I wonder if I'll ever be happy...

[BootlegBaby]

I have a severe case of *the grass is always greener* syndrome, and it's really making my life miserable. :(

A little about me; I was a single mom at 23 (no messy story really, it just didn't work with her dad). At 24, I met who would become my husband 5 years later. I never wanted to get married...it was more or less a parental pressure/wanting security for my daughter kind of thing/him convincing me that I was *the one*, etc. One year and one week after saying *I do*, I found out he also *did* with his 22 yr old assistant. I was devastated...more out of arrogant anger (How dare he do this to *ME!!*) than actual jealousy/hurt, but it did take its toll.

A few years later, I met a guy and after dating only 3 months, I found I was pregnant again. I'd like to add here that BOTH TIMES I've gotten pregnant I was using some kind of birth control...pill with the first, Depo with the 2nd...but I digress...ANYWAY, I was with this guy for about 3 years. He was really great...attentive, great sense of humor, sweet and kind. But I felt tied down, so I ended it.

For months afterward I dated different guys (none seriously) then realized one day I was really lonely. I wanted that security, that intimacy of being in a relationship. So I found a likely candidate and tried to make it work...but something somewhere had shifted. I found myself incapable of really *being there* with him. Again, he was a good enough guy, totally into me, even proposed (with a FABulous ring I might add)...but I again found myself miserable, feeling suffocated. Broke up with him...

Are we seeing a pattern here yet? ;)

Fast forward to now; again, after dating for a while, I'm involved with yet another really great guy. This one is amazingly loving, kind to my children, talking marriage, buying a house, etc...and I'm so depressed I can't stand it. I don't want to hurt *yet another* nice guy. I do realize I've been incredibly lucky to never have gotten involved with any serious assholes and that most women would give anything to have met even one...don't think for a minute I don't appreciate how lucky I am. I also realize this problem I have is totally some serious personal defect...I don't put the blame for it anywhere but squarely on my shoulders.

I joined this forum and posted this today mostly just to get feedback...am I termally screwed up from the ex? Am I unable to commit due to it? That's what the conventional pop-psychology would say even though it's not really how I feel. But there's got to be some explaination, no? Any ideas? Suggestions? Anyone else out there have the *grass* syndrome?

Thanks for listening... :)

[monkey]

i feel for you. please don't blame yourself. it sounds to me like you need to learn to love yourself. don't get into a relationship for the convenience or the benefits (ie:company, father etc.) wait, be picky, the right guy will come along and knock your sox off. spend time with yourself, your kids, your family and friends. be yourself for a while and figure out what it is that you really want. i beleive that until you really love yourself you can't accept the love of another. this is just my wacky oppinion so don't take it to heart if you don't agree. in any case i hope you find true love and happiness. good luck. :)

[Rich]

I don't think that you have the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome because you have the opportunity to feed in whatever field that you want. There's nothing holding you to your own side of the fence.

So that's not it.

So what can it be?

You mentioned being lonely and wanting the security of having someone. Maybe you're approaching your relationships from a point of view of the person filling a need, rather than of you REALLY wanting be with them and spend the rest of your life together.

It's hard to say. You have your kids and all your love and attention is going their way. Maybe it's just your heart telling you that, deep down that you really don't want to be with anyone yet.

Maybe these guys just haven't pushed your passion, desire or wanting button. They're nice guys and can fill the position that you're sort of interviewing for, but your heart is not in hiring anyone yet.

Your mind is on finding someone but it sounds like your heart isn't quite there yet. They both need to be on the same page.

My advice is to really reflect on what it is that you're heart is looking for and to keep moving along until you find it.

Your heart and soul isn't in it yet.

Good luck

Rich

[BootlegBaby]

Wow.

"You mentioned being lonely and wanting the security of having someone. Maybe you're approaching your relationships from a point of view of the person filling a need, rather than of you REALLY wanting be with them and spend the rest of your life together."

That's totally how I've felt all along. And as for my attention being on my girls, I think that's a HUGE part of the issue...I look for partners who are good for THEM possibly even moreso than for me, y'know? I guess I figure there will be time for the fireworks and passion and all that after they've left home and the need for stability and security is lessened. It seems dreadfully unfair to everyone involved to continue on with this current pattern of behavior, but then you have the people who say "If the mom's not happy, no one's happy"...*sigh*...it's just all so confusing.

I will say you're very good, Rich. I've read your answers to many posts here, and in my opinion if you're not being paid for your advice/insight, you're being robbed. :)

[Rich]

Hi Bootleg. Nice to see you back here.

You need to look at it like this. If you do a good job at picking someone for YOU to love, that you want to be with and who has good characteristics, then they will by default, be good to and for your kids. Case in point is that I don't think that the man of your dreams would hate kids? That you'd want someone who loves children and family. Right?

Just remember that your kids will be gone one day and then it's only you and your partner. If fireworks never exisited, they won't appear then. Trust me on that. And why wait so long for fireworks. Fireworks are cool! :D

If I might ask, why can't you be happy as you watch your kids grow? Wouldn't that be awesome? It's not selfish of you to have or want that by the way, either. All hearts desire to be happy. It's what our souls desire each day for us.

As you can tell, you've gone about it the way that you have up until now and your heart is not happy. I guess you're getting the feel on your soul level that maybe there's more and you need to change your approach.

Trust your heart. Go find someone that rocks your world and who you WANT to be with. Guaranteed that a nice person like that will also be nice to your girls. And believe me, your girls will LOVE to see mommy happy, smiling and in love.

Think of the example that you're setting for them now in terms of relationships and what to expect or want from a man. Wouldn't you rather show them what true love is all about and how happy a person can be? That when they see that, that they'll want to look for that as well?

Thank you also for the compliments on my posts.

Five dollars, please. lol

Rich