Stepfamily situation?.. This is where conflict is in my marriage

[isabella7w7]

I've been married 5 years and I have issues with my husbands son. I also have issues with my in-laws, as they are buddies with my husbands ex wife. They have never accepted me. I have 2 children with my husband and they are my life. I do not care about my husband’s son whatsoever, I'm not mean to him but I have no interest. He is 18! My children are 3 and 10 months old. I focus on them but have such anger when all attention is focused on my stepson because everyone feels so bad for him. He is spoiled and very irresponsible.

I do not want to raise my children the same way he was raised, hence the family problems.

I can never talk about my stepson with my husband because he gets defensive. We get NO WHERE. I'm just at a loss all the time.

[darren95al]

I'm so sorry you find yourself struggling like this.

Your stepson was what 13 when you married? Did you try and take on a "mother" type role? Or did you take on more of a 'friendship' role with him? I have taken the friendship approach w my step-kids, and it seems to be working, even to the point their mother sometimes calls me seeking advice
on how to handle various situations. I finally suggested she purchase these books and read them, I don't know if she has as she still calls occasionally just not as often, but I put it out there for her, and it's up to her to do the rest.

I would recommend Dr Max’s Family and Marriage Blueprints: [URL="marriageblueprint"]marriageblueprint[URL] “A New Concept In Marriage Counseling” It is the only marriage counseling method that includes men in the counseling as equal partners in the marriage.

[Fallenangelrach]

hi Isabella,

I'm 18 also (but a girl) and my dad re-married last year. I have a brother and my step-mum has two sons; 12 & 8.
Marrying into an already bonded family can be very hard. You have to make the effort with everyone instead of just your partner or it all gets stressful and can affect the primary relationship.
I understand you might not want to raise your children like your step son has been raised but your step son is a human being as well and he has to live with this as well.
Try not to totally block him out. I don't see it as a healthy approach to "have no interest". This will hurt your husband.
You'd feel hurt if you married with children from another relationship and your husband did not take any interest in them.
Try and make an effort with your step son. It'll help in the long run.

[Diablo]

People disagreeing on how to raise the kids can be a real problem. I'm not sure how to advise you on that, but to the single people reading this, have a handle on whether you and a potential spouse agree on how to raise kids before you marry the person. You have said that the 18 year old is irresponsible and you certainly don't want your kids turning out that way. This is not a problem with an easy answer, but you should at least try to get along with your step-son. When you marry someone with kids, the kids are part of the deal. He may be 18, but he is still part of the family. You shouldn't have to raise him and he would probably resent you if you tried, but you should try to get along with him.

[piratesmate]

Isabella,

I too am a step-mother to my husband's son but his son is only 10. We've been together five years now.
I find it extremely hard to not voice my concerns over the way my husband is raising his son. His son has gotten into trouble almost on a daily basis now at school either by pushing a kid, talking in class, etc. He is near getting expelled.

His son also has a severe lisp, tongue thrust is what the dentist said. I can't do anything about helping with his lisp because his mother has one and my husband doesn't think there is anything wrong with his speech!
I have been a good mother to my step-son, probably a better one than his own mother is.
What is hard is not being able to raise him as I did my own three daughters.
I cannot discipline him, etc. And that makes it difficult for me because also my step-son knows I can't and so therefore will do things that aren't right at home knowing his father won't do anything about it!

The 18 yr old does sound like he needs help and so does your husband with the relationship.
What does your husband saythink about how his son behaves? Does the step-son help around the house? ARe you the maidslave? (like I am) Are you aruging with the 18 yr old?
What other issues are there?