I've done it again

[zakalwe]

Last year I split from my partner of 4 years. I met her when she was in the depths of depression, with no place to live, no job, lots of friends, but no-one to really be there. Add to this a love of partying and biuality, and its quite an explosive mix. So I was attracted. We became lovers and after a time, she shared my home. It took a year for her to come off the anti-depressants and sort herself out, and all the while she tore into me and we lost sight of the goals in a relationship. Now she is getting married, buying a house and trying for children with a guy she loves and respects and I am so happy for her.

After we split - I hurt. I knew it had to happen, but I hurt all the same. I needed to find the things in my life that make me happy - so I joined a climbing club and began spending my weekends out climbing with new friends - and it worked. I achieved calm and stability and threw myself into it even more. I dated on the internet - which was fun and weird...Then I met Kate. Kate blew me to pieeces in an instant. She walked into the room and time stopped.

I'm shy, and not a great talker with the fairer , but I chatted and we stayed up late and I finally got her phone number.

We called. We went on one date and asked questions of each other about life's goals (we are both 37 and still alone and kidless) and it seemed like we were an ideal match, so we went for it. Me because I wanted her - her because - well, I'm not sure. I know she didn't fall for me immediatly, she began after we had been together for a month or two.

I moved from my appartment and she asked me to move in with her - she lives 100 miles from me and Although retiscent, I agreed - she said it was daft to spend the money on a place when I could give it to her.

I made sheds in the garden, changed fuse boxes and ran my business 100 miles away. I travelled 800 miles a week. She made plans to redecorate the bathroom, remodel her closet and fix up her car and I agreed - she inspired me so I didn't mind. I cooked, she cleaned and moaned about me making a mess. I missed my friends and found that I was loosing my identity. So I went climbing a couple of times without her and she hurt. The last few months were quite sour. She thought I had stopped loving her because I was wondering if she wanted a lover or a construction worker. I stopped doing the things we'd talked about. She wanted kids, but I wasn't sure if she wanted me and so didn't want to try...and I love . I became distant she became angry. We talked, but she didn't listen.

The last straw came over new year. I went away on new years eve to climb frozen waterfalls, she went to a bar with her friends. I deiced in the week I was away that she was the one (which I knew) and was going to move my business (which I'd previously found scary and frightning) and go for it - one of us had to break the cycle and start showing the other that we cared...She decided to end it.

I opened my heart and got salt poured in.

I can't stop loving her and have tried to reconcile. She says she cant trust me anymore. My question is:

Is it possible to regain someones trust? And is it possible for me to retrieve this? And should I? Is it me who cant have a relationship, or am I just meeting the wrong girls?

[eightball61]

Sorry to hear about the heaty break that you went through with her. To answer your guestion though but you can trust someone again. It may/will take some time for you to get over her and thats the key. You have to be totally over her in oder to start something with someone new again and learn to trust.

There are many trust worthy people out there but when getting into a new relationship may be a rough start. Just be open minded and try to accept the new partner for who they are and build from there. Take some things slow but at the pace you like.

I do hope this helped some and that you can take the right steps into a new relationship. Take care

[Rich]

To answer your question, you 'll love again. But you need to do more.

IMO, your relationship ended because you both didn't communicate properly. You both weren't open and honest with your feelings about the relationship, each other, what bothered you or where you wanted it to go.

A lesson for everyone to learn out there is that, in a relationship, both partners have questions about the other and the relationship that need to be resolved. And when there is little to no communication, then each partner tries to fill in the blanks and answer the questions with what they see or feel.

Typically in life, most people exude an exterior that doesn't accurately reflect how they're feeling or what they're thinking inside. So more often then not, one would come to a conclusion on something about somebody, that isn't accurate from outside expressions alone.

I know that it has happend to me quite a few times where someone assumed something about me that was totally opposite to what I was thinking or feeling inside. That once I expressed myself, then they knew the true me and my feelings on things.

My exterior is cold, unappraochable, unwelcoming and that comes from growing up in NYC, riding the subways and not wanting to be messed with. While inside I'm funny, out going and pretty friendly. So, I know that about myself, that I need to express my feelings to my partner all the time because my outward appearance makes it look like I'm pissed off all the time.

What I'm trying to say is that you don't want your partner to come up with answers about you or your relationship from your outward expressions or attitude. You always want to be on the same page with your partner so that there are no misunderstandings.

It sounds like you had some issues that you were working out in your head about the relationship and your outward expression or actions gave your partner the opposite answer to what you came up with. Seems like she evaluated your relationship on the vibes that were given off and decided to just end it.

I think that if you both had spoken honestly about your feelings about each other and the realtionship, then it wouldn't have ended. Or at the very least, ended like this.

The lesson here is that all relationships need constant tweaking and or fine tuning to be successful, happy and long lasting. The only way to tweak and to fine tune is to be open, honest and to communicate freely and often. Don't take for granted or to let things go.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[MissCheivious]

Hi! I'm really sorry about your breakup. To me, it sounds like you did everything right. You're obviously a strong person and you need to have your own interests and idenitity outside of being a couple and that's a good trait to have. Any partner should be supportive of whatever it is you want to pursue (as long as it's not self-destructive or relationship-destructive ;) ) which is why it's kinda weird that your ex got mad because you went climbing. That might be insecurity or jealousy on her part and that's normal but she should know that you're going to do things without her and that doesn't mean you love her any less. My advice is to try to call her. I'm a hopeless romantic even after the debacle I'm going through now but I say if you want someone, go after them! But there are a few things you should do BEFORE you call her. Wait a bit (maybe...say..a month), during that time, do your normal stuff. Focus on your hobbies and work out. That helps. :D Then after that month, call her and set up a casual date. If she says no, DON'T get mad, be breezy! lol It's easier said than done but you can do it! If it's been a month since you've talked to her, I say go for it and call her tomorrow if you want and set up the date. I'm a big believer in "you have nothing to lose". Really, you don't. When and if you do talk, DON'T bring up the relationship and what went wrong just yet, if she does, go with it and try not to be judgemental or defensive. Reconciling is hard but I think anyone can do it if they're patient and willing to put in the time. Good luck! :)

[smackie9]

Dear Zakalwe, That is what dating is all about. To see if you are right for a future together. You felt that she was perfect for you when you first met. As time goes on, the differences start to surface. You realized that you both have different expectation, that is all. She didn't use you. She's looking for a handy, loving husband that wants a family. You only fitted part of that profile. And you, missing your friends, work 100 miles away, etc. That's why things started to fall apart. Lesson learned. Keep looking for that perfect woman where you live this time. It's a start. LOL.