Do I bother with this relationship?

[tess06]

Hey I live in Australia and am 33yrs old in three wks.many of the people in my commuity are having babies and getting married.Its happening everywhere, in fact Australia is a growing place . Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be single and 33, no children or ever married.


I am living back at my parents due to financial constraints.I have had trouble getting work but recently have found a part time job that may get me on my feet again but won’t start for a few months.In July of 06 I met a younger man of about 28 who seemed shy and very timid.ALOT has happened since that day we met.HE TOO has had to live with his parents on and off.He actually only works part time on his parents farm that they own and its in another state here in Australia its two and half hrs from where I live he comes back to
My city here and there.

His parenst pay him some measley amount to work on the farm I suspect because hes so alternative nobody will hire him outside of that place.He wants to be a movie director and brew beer, its all he cares about.Pie in the sky stuff… I think.The thing is this, hes back and forwards to the farm and since he owns no car he relys on others to get him there or a bus service.Mostly his folks.Our relationship is serious on the physical side and very emotional.Every time he leaves for two wks or less at a time I get very very upset.HE has established a relationship with me here but sees no point in trying to find a job that would land him back in my city PERMANENTLYhe resides for some of the time at his his parents second home here in my city and he pays no rent he just comes back to my city for appointments etc.You would think after a year of seeing each other he would want to be with me and find work where I AM.He has no intentions of getting a place together with me anytime in this century and talks nothing of the future.


Meanwhile people all round me are moving ahead with their lives.I believe I an attractive person and have been told I am although at the moment I could be thinner.I am getting older and the clock is ticking extremely LOUD.
He says I’m y and he loves me so much YET there is no commitment to me and he uses me to drive him around.he never likes to pay for stuff for me and hates sentimentality and anniversaries like birthdays etc which mean very much to me.My birthday is three wks away and I’m worried he’ll give me NOTHING and I’ll be let down.that may even force me to break it off.




ONCE again he has gone back to the farm with his parents and was going to be away two wks.But due to an appoint will come back after one wk.The thing is he would not do that to BE WITH ME, its so he can make his appoint.This guy seems like hes just going nowhere and has no plans.And he’s 29 yrs old. We have many common interests such as music and we grew up in much the same era and have many common memories.BUT I’m 33 in three wks most women have had three kids by then.I dearly want children and married life but it would appear my boy doesn’t.we have such a strong connection BUT there is no moving forward.We have had many dramas and things go on since we met I just don’t know HOW Much time I can waste here he just has no plans and seems intent of having the best of both worlds.And I seem to be the loser!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am beginning to resent him and his family especially as they seem to CONTROL his life and tell him when and where he should be on the farm.His plans are constantly changing and having to fit into THEIR working farm. There is no sign of this changing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do I toss in a 12mth relationship and just forget it???????? He says he wants to be financially independent and sound and we do go to couselling but I find it is not helping, it’s a waste of money.he’s quite happy to go to couselling and waste the money though.


Is there any hope in this relationship.It would sound to most reading this we are both immature and not steady on our own two feet, I agree, but our past circumstances do tend to
Have a bearing on where we are right now.WHY does he not see that being with me is better than being with his shitty parents.I kinda know… I”;m sure his mother loves cooking his dinners etc but I am aware he does everything else for himself though washing etc.

[coach]

It sounds as if your bf takes life as it comes, and that in some ways you find that enjoyable.

However, you seem to now be looking to the future with the kind of plans that he has little real interest in. Children need a home, and a hundred and one other things that require their parents to take responsibility and face up to all the practicalities of family life.

Can you see anything about your bf that suggests he understands that, or aspires to such a lifestyle?

Based on what you have written above, it sounds as if things are great when your mutual needs coincide, but things get difficult when there is no easy fit between your needs and his, i.e. putting it bluntly, he doesn’t exactly bend over backwards to meet your needs at the expense of his own. Most relationships require a little more than just give and take on a supply and demand basis. Very young children have needs that need meeting regardless of their parents ‘wants’, ‘desires’ and needs – that’s 24'7 – 365, for around 16 years.

Can you see your bf eschewing his needs for the sake of a young child?

Do you think he has any meaningful level of empathy with you and how you will feel if he forgets or "ignores" your birthday?

What is this counselling about?

What are you hoping to get from it? What is he hoping to get from it?

Are you hoping that the counsellor can change him so that he meets all the ‘if only’ points that you have on your checklist?

My advice is to have a real heart to heart with your counsellor at the next session about why you are attending at counselling and what it is you and your bf hope to achieve.

Counselling is at root about change – it may be about adjusting to loss, it might be about improving a relationship, or a 1001 other forms of change, but change of some form is the goal, otherwise, it probably is a waste of money. Making personal changes is usually hard work and can be very stressful at times – often people are challenged to come out of their ‘comfort zone’.

Counselling can also be about staying exactly where you are!

I think you need to explore the tacit contract that underlies this counselling – is your bf committed to an unwritten and unspoken ‘contract’ that says: “I’m happy to attend counselling, as long as I don’t have to change!”- i.e. move out of my comfort zone!

Also, what does your counsellor think is going on?

My thoughts are that you have a lot going for you in this relationship, but basically you and your partner want different things. It may be that you bf doesn’t really know what he wants for the future, which leaves you hanging on a thread of hope?

But realistically, what you are talking about requires a huge amount of commitment and focussed energy to make it work. He definitely doesn’t seem to fit that criteria?

The bottom line is that: ‘you want him to want what you want’, and it seems he doesn’t, but for him to say that would seriously mean him facing the risk of losing you?

I can appreciate it may be very hard to do, but I think you need to take the ‘bull by the horns’ at your next counselling session and ask: “whose agenda are we working to here?” Is it his, or yours, and can it ever become: “our agenda”?

You are "bothering" with this relationship because you live in hope that it will turn into what you are looking for?

If you are concerned about time passing you by, then I think you need to seriously explore your sense of hope?

If the future is not so important, then why not make the most of what you have while it lasts?

[tess06]

Thankyou for responding with such an indepth and very intelligent response.

First question you asked.In reality he wants to do the right thing but financially
I don’t think he s anywhere near being able to be a father or want to be anytime soon
Or want that responsibility,he has said so.theres no chance he will be a father we use protection and I am on contra.But he still worries he may get me pregnant totally laughable if it wasn’t so ridiculous and an insult to my intelligence.What doe she think will happen an immaculate conception.ANYWAY…any intelligent person would know a girl in her 30’s without kids will be seriously looking at the future.In reality he should never of kept this relationship going and I guess I shouldn’t have either.the age gap of 4yrs is alot when the girl is in her thirties.Guys may not even think of having kids till late thrieties.Long way off for him………… not too far for me.Thats the problem.

Second one I would say he is too immature to even think about looking after a young child’s needs.And he rarely bends over backwards to meet my needs YET I do for him.that pisses me.its taking a huge toll on me.

I think he thinks that birthdays and anniversaries are a crock of shit.that is very ignorant.

The couselling well, long story.He has been attending it for a while and then decided we should go when things hit a tough spot.Hecousellor believes I get triggered and I have established that I get triggered by rejection.And when he leaves for the farm or says no to something I get very very upet and see it as rejection and apparently it is stemmed from” childhood”
And parents.Thats all well and good but I think its all bullshit.He TOO has issues and triggers apparently and he sees the couselling as a way we can sort ourselves out.The cousellor says, and it really annoys me every time I go there that we can’t “take on” the other person’s issues.We are supposedly in a relationship.What?? we ignore ethe other person’s probs. It shits me.I am hoping to cope better with his stupidity at times, but him I have no idea what he wants from it.And no its not about checklist at all.I dunno what ist about I am doing it to try and keep the relationship going or in healthy shape.The cousellor believes we both have triggers and we need to work with it and try and deal with it.

Yes I agree its taking huge energy from me and I’m nearly burnt out and I just don’t know if he puts in that level with me.At times I think he does, but not consistently.Yeah all l I am doing is HANGING on to a thread of hope.its running out fast.

Yes, I do worry about the future as I am 33 and time is passing by very very quickly.I think coz hes 29 he just doesn’t “get it” and sees no need to worry of the future.I think I’m a great catch and will improve as the year goes on starting a new job etc etc.And it reality he wants little of what I want.Ist really sad as we get on so well generally and we do have a lot of affection for each other but seem to want total different things.Why did I meet a guy like this only to realize he wants nothing of what I want and now it seems we are doomed???its just not fair. I think for him to come out and say in a really dominant voice I want little of what you want, he must, in the back of his mind be thinking I could walk away and I think for me to say I want more commitment, future etc he could easily walk as well!!!! It’s a vicious circle and I’m starting to realise it could all end very badly.i just am at a loss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I broached the more commitment and he broke up with me for a week. And when I said I’m happy with the way things are he decided to give it another go, that’s 3 months ago.I will never be able to mention commitment with him. Unbelievable hey??

[coach]

My comment about a "checklist" and the "if only" phrase, wasn't any kind of criticism - it was just an attempt to recognise that you love this guy, and “if only” he wanted what you wanted, then life would probably be great?

Although, there would still exist the question of whether he has the maturity to cope with such a lifestyle.

This relationship sounds exhausting because (another metaphor) it's as if you two are in a boat and your partner is happy to let it drift where the currents tend to take it, while you are paddling with all your might to take it in a particular direction...?

Your frustration is causing you a lot of tension and my guess is that at times you get pretty angry and upset and this produces conflict within you and within the relationship...?

One option would be to "go with the flow" and just enjoy the trip - maybe if you were 23 rather than 33, you would be happy to do so...?

But as you are 33 and feeling the way you do, where do you go from here...?

Do you carry on telling yourself that: "if he really loved me enough then he would learn to paddle and start rowing in a coordinated way with me", or do you accept him as he is, and make a decision based on that...?

I do wonder about the role of the counsellor as "Cox".

If you both wanted the same things and the problem was one of stability and coordination of effort, then maybe a counsellor could help. But it seems to me you want different things for the future. A lot of which probably boils down to personal values and how you see your individual futures stretching out before you. It may be that your bf doesn't even want to look beyond next week, but in a way that is in itself a statement about personal values.

It's a hypothetical question, but what do you think your bf would write if he posted on this board?

Might it be something like: "I love this woman to bits but she just keeps rocking the boat when it doesn't point in the direction she wants it to take, and she blames me for that!"

I do wonder whether your counselling may be making things more complicated than they are?

The hard reality perhaps being that your bf has a lifestyle and an outlook that just doesn't fit with what you want for the future of the relationship. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He could just as easily argue: "if she really loved me, then she would accept me as I am!".

I realise that what I write may sound "easy to say" because I'm not "on the boat" - but I do appreciate how hard it can be when you find you have an emotional connexion with someone and 50 percent of the relationship is great, but the practicalities of life just don't fit together to make something that adds up to a joint future.

If you find things just keep going around in circles with the counselling, think about the analogy with a boat and what it takes to steer on a pre-determined course.

Issues from childhood can affect the way relationships run, but issues in the 'here and now' over what people want for their lives also make a huge difference to the way people behave.

Your bf may be committed to you in his own way, but perhaps not to a lifestyle that he doesn't want, or perhaps justifiably feels he can't handle, and so he is left feeling conflicted over wanting to keep what is "good" while trying to avoid what he doesn't want or can't handle? His way of dealing with this conflict may be to leave the ultimate decision to you - especially if he is the kind of guy that 'takes life as it comes' and walks the path that fate unfolds for him.

I wish you the best of luck, whichever route you take.

[tess06]

Yeha once again a great response very wise.
Its funny you knwo him exactly.... he is so like what you are describing.

he;s go with the flow and he'd write yes she is rocking the boat coz its not pointing in the right direction.

And YES its frustrating and yes maybe he is leaving it to me to make the ultimate desicion and maybe he wouldn't care if i left.It would be "another go with the flow moment".How anybody can live like that I dunno.

Just had a bad convo with him. on phoneI said how frustatrated I am and how pissed off i feel.He said he can't do a thing about anything.And thats just really mediocre stuff.

I know that travel to see him in my car alot and its tiring me out and he couldn't care less.I don't get to stay permanetly with him even this far into the relationship???? Christ i know people who shack up after 6mths who are emotionally close and love each other and they are committed.WHY on earth is he contnuing the relationship.NO wait i think i should be asking that.

Once again you've been great.I'm really unhappy i'm in this:mad: situation at 33.

it sucks.tell your daughters to find a greta relationship in their 20's its too late in your thirties.:confused: :(