What Do I Do?

[MissCheivious]

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I just don't know who to talk to about any of the crap that has gone on with my ex. We lived together for two years and the Thanksgiving before last, he threw me out (yes, on Turkey Day). Basically, I was being a brat. I'll admit that. I wasn't fully invested in the relationship because of my own personal problems and I didn't really make an attempt to make him happy. Anyhow, I moved in with my Mom and we were suppose to be "working it out". That kinda worked for about two months but we were fighting off and on and not talking. Finally, I decided to make it work FOR REAL. No more being selfish and blah blah. I went to his family's get togethers (which I rarely did before) and tried my best to not be negative about things that I would usually gripe about. About seven months into our seperation, we had a fight. We didn't talk for about a week and (as usual) I gave in and called him and apologized. Two days after the phone call, he came by and told me during the week we weren't talking, he hooked up with some chick at a bar. He said he wanted me to know because he thought someone may have saw him and her together and he didn't want me to find out that way. I was upset (to say the least) but forgave him and tried to forget about it. After that, it kinda went downhill. He withdrew big time and was hot and cold everytime I saw him. I just had a feeling he was hiding stuff and being sneaky. I asked him several times if he was seeing someone and on one occasion he told me that he was still seeing that girl "just for " because it was "easy and low maintence". When I got upset, he said he was just making it up. I knew it was a lie but it was a lie I wanted to believe. I don't know why I did this but I did. We were still fighting quite a bit at that point, mostly about how he never made an effort to spend time with me. The strange part is, he kept acting like there was going to be a future with me one minute, then acting like he couldn't wait to get away from me the next. I even went with him to his Grandmothers for Christmas with his entire family! After that trip, I told him I couldn't see him anymore thinking that would make him straighten up a bit but he did the opposite and agreed with me. About three days before New Years Day, his brother's g/f came by and told me my ex was seeing that girl still and he had brought her around the family while he and I were still "together" (right before the big trip). I was so upset and I called him at work. Another strange thing, even though we hadn't spoke since the trip, he came by even though he knew I knew about his little chick on the side. I confronted him and he admitted it but didn't apologize. In fact, he told me he didn't want to work it out because he thought I'd try to seek revenge by cheating on him. :rolleyes: I actually tried to forgive him again and he said no! We talked a couple more times and even saw each other but it was weird. Finally, I called him one Friday night because he said he wanted to get together and then when I called him, he played his usual routine of acting busy and getting mad at me for trying to get attention or something. That was the last time I spoke to him. About a month ago. His father was pretty sick and in the hospital and I called him and left a voice mail saying I was sorry to hear that and to let me know if there was anything I could do and he didn't even respond to that. I just don't understand him. Why act like you want one thing then do another thing which you know will destroy your relationship with someone? He said he still loves me but his actions don't back up his words. I know we both need this time to think about all that has happened and I know he's pretty upset that he got caught but what I want to know is there a future here? I know there's been alot of damage here and the whole "Once a cheater, always a cheater" thing but I feel like he did this out of insecurity. That's never a valid excuse for cheating but I think it's the case. Should I call him and attempt to work it out? Everyone has said he's probably embarassed that he got caught and that this "girl" isn't a relationship and that it's not real. I just don't know what to do. I don't want him out of my life but I'm not sure it's salvagable. Is this over? Is this hopeless? Please help!! :(

[eightball61]

Man....it seems like nothing works no matter how hard you try. After many attempts there has to be a time where you just hang it all up and say its not going to work. You both have tried so many times but each time it has gone downhill. At this point I dont know what to tell you. My opinion differs to what you may want but I suggest in starting off with someone new. All the signs show he is not the one or a relationship is just not in the field at this time. I see some red flags about him also.

I do think it improper for him to give you the excuse about telling you about that girl at the bar because he though he saw someone that knows you. He was scared and didn't want you to know and thats why he said something. There are way to many thingsd I dont like about him and this is just one of them. I am sure if you look deep enough you'll be able to see it also. Its your choice though on where to go.

[MissCheivious]

Thanks for your quick response. You're right, there are ALOT of red flags about him. In all honesty, I don't know if I want him back or if I want him back just so I can dump him. It's pretty immature but there it is. I agree that he only told me about the other girl to hurt me. I just don't understand the mixed signals from him but there's not many mixed signals anymore. He doesn't call. I guess I really just want to yell at him more than anything but what does that accomplish? :confused:

[eightball61]

I guess I really just want to yell at him more than anything but what does that accomplish? :confused:

I know closure can be nice but leave it be. If he doesn't call you then dont make the attempt and just move on. If he is meeting new people then you need to do the same. You & I both know that there is no realtionship here. All this is confusion and he has you by a thread as a rebound. Let him do what he wants to do. You want someone that you CAN have a good relationship with. Sure there will be duds but the process of dating is picking out the right one for you. The right one take time to find so dont hang onto this dud, just move it all on. I know you have that strenght.

[MissCheivious]

Thanks. I don't feel that strong right now but it is what it is. I haven't called him in about a month or so and that's a record for me and he still hasn't called so what do I expect? The hot and cold treatment was there for a reason and logically, I know this but my heart says something different. I guess faith is good for some things but putting faith in people is just sometimes way too risky. Thanks for your advice. I'll try it out and if not, I'll get a voodoo doll (just kidding...lol). ;)

[eightball61]

Forget the voodoo doll :D If you havn't spoken in over a month then officially consider it done. Time to leave it alone and begin the healing process so you can go out and date again. If he calls again just tell him that you dont need these games and you wish he never call again.

[Rich]

Your relationship was / is dysfunctional. You should leave it and move on.

Before YOU decided to "get serious" about your relationship, you treated your BF and it, half assed. Now your BF is treating you and it half assed.

IMO, learn from your mistakes and use the lessons learned in your next relationship.

If I can ask. What made you just decide to "get serious" about and towards your relationship? If you loved your BF to that level and wanted something long term, then you should have been serious from the beginning. The fact that you weren't shows that this relationship wasn't and isn't THE one for you.

IMO move on.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[MissCheivious]

Your relationship was / is dysfunctional. You should leave it and move on.

Before YOU decided to "get serious" about your relationship, you treated your BF and it, half assed. Now your BF is treating you and it half assed.

IMO, learn from your mistakes and use the lessons learned in your next relationship.

If I can ask. What made you just decide to "get serious" about and towards your relationship? If you loved your BF to that level and wanted something long term, then you should have been serious from the beginning. The fact that you weren't shows that this relationship wasn't and isn't THE one for you.

IMO move on.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com


I sorta agree with you. This relationship IS dysfunctional but it didn't start off that way (they never do, do they? :rolleyes: ). Basically in the beginning, things just moved really fast. ALOT of stuff happened to me personally (ie Quitting a job I loved, my parents splitting up, my father cutting himself out of my life) and I just shut down. I didn't treat my ex as bad as he's treated me, BELIEVE ME! I was a bit scared of hanging with his family because I don't come from a large family and well, that stuff intimidates the heck out of me and I would either back out at the last minute or just refuse to go. In all honesty, I've never had a b/f who was close to his family so all that was new to me and sadly, I didn't adjust well. Instead of my ex telling me that he wasn't happy with some choices I made, he held everything in until he broke down. As soon as he told me, I changed. It wasn't overnight but I realized that in order to have the relationship I wanted with him, I had to quit being so selfish and get over my social phobias. His entire family and even HE said the change was obvious. He was thrilled but then it didn't matter. Maybe it was too little too late but on good days, he didn't act like it. He brought this dysfunction on himself. I've been his doormat for the past year and I willingly did so. I wanted him to see that I would work for this relationship but then it got to be too much. Too gross and too risky to put myself in the position of being with him right now. I do own up to treating this relationship half-assed in the beginning but I also believe that if you love someone and you want to be with them, you don't punish them when they've made every effort in the world to change. He could've easily told me that he didn't want to work it out and that he wanted to be single. That's cool but he didn't. He played and played until he played himself out. I feel lost right now but I know I'll be fine and I know I won't make the same mistakes again with a new person.....Phew! LOL :)

[eightball61]

I know you are lost right now and most people would be. Just try to move on from it. ITs tough because your body is pulling you to talk to him. Its like having a cigerette craving :p but as we know its not healthy and worthy of going back to. Treat him like a butt and and quit. You are on your first month and the craving is coming back but keep your mind busy as a bee and take it from there. Join some local clubs or suppor clubs.

[MissCheivious]

LOL Ok, that's a BAD analogy because I smoke like a chimney already! ;) I know exactly what you mean though. I'm really hoping he'll just call or something so I can at least shoot him down but I know him and that's not his style. If he was mad about getting caught, he should've been over it by now. I know this cheating thing was a bit deeper than what it looks like. I think he wanted to sabotage us so I couldn't try anymore. I asked him that the day I confronted him and he just looked at me like I opened Pandora's Box. LOL Honestly, I don't think there's anything I could've done to stop this. He wanted to end this and his track record with relationships should've been a big red flag to me but I had the "I'm different" attitude. Maybe I'll call him today just to screw with his head. LOL Just kidding! :D

[eightball61]

i used to smoke myself so thats why I used that example. lol Anyway, just allow him to call but dont stick by your phone and miss out on things because you are waiting to shoot him down. Go out and become a bad girl. Go out with the girls and have fun meeting new fellas again. Date around to see who may be the best fit for ya ;) How old are you may I ask?

[Rich]

This is why I'm such a big advocate of young people dating a number of people before deciding to settle down with one person. People should consider settling down until they're at least 25, 26 or 27.

There's so much on the job learning to do and going out with one person and getting married, just doesn't get it done. Afterall, how many of us can say that they know an old married couple who are each others first loves. Those are few and far between. Go out and date. Go out and date a lot.

Take what you've learned in this past relationship, along with your other past relationships and use all the lessons learned to form that one, great long term relationship when you finally "find the right one".

And remember, relationships are not only judging, getting to know and learning about the other person. They're also about learning about yourself. What you can do better. What you can change. What you can do differently. Bring an excellent person to your next relationship and hope the other person is at the same level that you are and brings the same type of person. :-)

[Rich]

shouldn't is what I meant to say there

[MissCheivious]

i used to smoke myself so thats why I used that example. lol Anyway, just allow him to call but dont stick by your phone and miss out on things because you are waiting to shoot him down. Go out and become a bad girl. Go out with the girls and have fun meeting new fellas again. Date around to see who may be the best fit for ya ;) How old are you may I ask?I'm 26 and I'll be 27 in April. Yikes! LOL I've been the bad girl (sorta) and I don't want to do that again. It's crossed my mind to go out and have a fling but right now, I'm just not into it (so to speak). Besides, I'd just be doing it out of spite and that's pointless. If the bugger does call, I'll create the illusion of dating someone else which is just as good. I'm partly feeling like this isn't completely over, he's too egotistical to let me NOT call him. He wants to be the rejector and HE wants to be the one who moves on. It's weird but I know the jacka** and he's like that. LOL

[eightball61]

lol Males are a funny species but then again so can't females. This guy just should you what not to date in the future. When I insisted you go out and have fun I really meant just enjoy the single time. I am sure you had the bad girl days but there is nothing wrong with living a little. I am 22 and I had my free time to live a little in the break in my relationship and things worked out fine. You are still young enough though to have that feedom you deserve.

A man will come your way though eventually. It will take time and I am sure you rather be with the right one rather than the wrong one. Keep your hopes up and date around and pick the lucky winner ;) From what I see here you do havea great personality and you'll find a respectful man that will see that.

[MissCheivious]

lol Males are a funny species but then again so can't females. This guy just should you what not to date in the future. When I insisted you go out and have fun I really meant just enjoy the single time. I am sure you had the bad girl days but there is nothing wrong with living a little. I am 22 and I had my free time to live a little in the break in my relationship and things worked out fine. You are still young enough though to have that feedom you deserve.

A man will come your way though eventually. It will take time and I am sure you rather be with the right one rather than the wrong one. Keep your hopes up and date around and pick the lucky winner ;) From what I see here you do havea great personality and you'll find a respectful man that will see that.Aww...thanks for that. That's really sweet. I hope you're right! I feel like crap right now but I'm looking forward to shedding a couple of pounds. The heartbreak/stress diet is always fun! ;)

[eightball61]

Oh your welcome but I will call agood trait when I see one. ;) Just go abouts your own thing right now and whats healthy for you. Keep busy and do things for yourself and things that will keep you happy. We are here a lot so feel free to post any updates or thoughts.

[MissCheivious]

Well actually, I do have an update. I called my ex yesterday. I don't know if it was a big mistake because now I know that he DOES have a g/f. He told me he commited to her. Needless to say, I wasn't happy but the weirdest thing happened. He said he needs to see this commitment through even though he still loves me. I asked him if he wants to try to work it out and he said he can't because he made this commitment and the right thing to do is see it through. He sounded really weird. At first I was upset and my initial reaction was to try to talk him out of it. His new g/f ended up showing up over there and he said he had to call me back. Another weird thing, he did! About two hours later. I decided to take a different approach and tell him he's doing the right thing with this chick (yeah right :rolleyes: ) and that I hoped we could be friends. He said he'd really love that. We agreed to meet once a month because in all honesty, we still really like each other. He told me he doesn't love this woman (by the way, he's 31 and she's 41) and that he rushed into this to get over me. Now, why would he tell me this crap? He seemed really sad when he called me the second time. He kept mumbling about the mistakes and having to do this. WTF? I don't want to sound naive because yes, this is the man who lied to me and cheated but what would he gain from telling me he didn't love this woman? His father told me he thinks he's doing this to punish himself because he's mad at himself for being so hurtful to me. His dad said he's not happy with this woman and he doesn't know why he's doing this either. Odd...anyway, I feel crappy knowing this chick is spending the night (yes..I did a driveby :o ) but...well, I don't know. I feel kinda good that he sounded so bad. LOL Everyone is saying this relationship of his isn't going to work because of the age difference and the fact that he's not invested. Again, I'm not naive but what does anyone else think? We're suppose to get together soon and I'm thinking if I'm around but not around all the time, it might push those two apart. I don't plan on being "the other woman" because I do just want to be friends at this point. This could be a disaster so I'm hoping someone might be able to tell me if it sounds like he's lying or did he just back himself into a corner? :confused:

[eightball61]

Calling him gave you the closure you needed. He is now officially an ex. for a reason. This did hurt but yo will soon realize how much he isn't actually worth it. I don't think calling him was a huge mistake because you heard what you needed to hear.

Its time though to though away his number and start off for the better. It may take sometime to date again but just live life as it comes. You are still young enough to venture out and start something new and have a new happy relationship with someone again. This man taught you all the reasons not to be with someone like him. Use that experience as a lesson and work off from that.

[MissCheivious]

Calling him gave you the closure you needed. He is now officially an ex. for a reason. This did hurt but yo will soon realize how much he isn't actually worth it. I don't think calling him was a huge mistake because you heard what you needed to hear.

Its time though to though away his number and start off for the better. It may take sometime to date again but just live life as it comes. You are still young enough to venture out and start something new and have a new happy relationship with someone again. This man taught you all the reasons not to be with someone like him. Use that experience as a lesson and work off from that.Ok, but what do you think about us trying to be friends and all the stuff he said?

[eightball61]

You can try to be a friend to him but I will add in my opinion I thi k it will be to hard. I am sure you are not going to want to hear about him and his new committed love. This is what friends do...they talk about this stuff. This is one of the reason why many people can't continue a friendship after a relationship. If you think though you can't seperate those past feeling then try it out but it will be hard.

[MissCheivious]

Oh yeah, no doubt. I think it will be hard but I think it's something I need to do just to get past it. I have a feeling he won't be talking so much about her. I know him pretty well. We have 1,000 other things to talk about but I'm sure there will be awkward moments and stuff. I don't know, it's a while off before I'm suppose to see him so who knows what will happen. I think I gave him some stuff to think about. Thanks for your help. You rock! :D

[eightball61]

IT will be hard as you see and I am willing to bet he may not mention your calls if you do stay in contact. I mean if you were with him would you want her to call if she was the ex??? I think not. Its best just to move away from the wholeheadache but its all up to you on where to go with it.

[MissCheivious]

Ah...I knew you'd say that. ;) It's a headache, that'll I'll admit but like I said, I wouldn't mind being friends with him. If anything, being around him in a non-girlfriend way will make me either pine more (NOT possible :rolleyes: ) or make me see that we can like each other but that doesn't mean we should be together. Who knows, it might not pan out. He might not ever call but we'll see. Either way, I can't be let down because I already am. That sounds a bit worse than I meant it too. LOL

[eightball61]

I know you are down some about the whole thing and the human mind is an odd thing. I mean you will go through some phases of anger & hatred, then sadness, and ect. You can only go so low before you get pick righ back up to the right direction again. You better off to know that this wan't going to work now rather than latter. Just take a breather and talk to me:)

[jackie4553]

Well.....I think that you love him and might want to be with him but.......Does all of this make you a better person, a happy one????? Going back and forth takes away from the "Faith" that it will work out. It adds to the dysfunction....Its SOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOO hard (i know im going through it now) to move on but all you can do is take it a day at a time and treat it like a wound that takes time to heal....It might not be what u want to hear but dont sell youself short (there is a dream guy for you) work on you and get a better job, save for a new car, lose weight, go to school -learn something ......anything........this will help take your mind off things and will also make you more appealing to a better guy!

[b00bah]

good advice ;)

Keeping busy helps to take your mind off things so why not do something productive.


....or you can just sleep all day like me :)

[MissCheivious]

good advice ;)

Keeping busy helps to take your mind off things so why not do something productive.


....or you can just sleep all day like me :)LOL That's actually the most helpful thing I've heard! ;) Too bad I can't sleep. The breakup diet is pretty fabulous too. :D