How do I tell him??

[nikol0304]

Well..heres my situation. I'm currently dating someone who I've been with for about 1.5 years now. Weve been through SO much together, including a miscarraige. Any normal person could almost guess weve been together longer than we actually have. Well my problem is this...we fight a lot. (Which is a problem in itself) but anyways..lately when we get into big arguements...we end up having ..Well- while were in the midst of having , he is constantly telling me how he wants to "go" in me, because he wants me to get pregnant so we can be together forever. Why is he saying these things to begin with, but my man question is how do I tell him that I don't want to have children until were married?!?! I think hes afraid of marraige again since hes been divorced already..but I just don't know what to do or say?!! I DONT want to have kids before I get married, so how should I tell him that? Especially if were in the midst of making love???

[eightball61]

Put yourself on Birth control....I mean he wants to have a baby but if he was that cruel then he could rig up a the wrong way. For some reason though he wants to get a family going but you have the right idea about being married first. Explain to him that you want to wait till then and in the mean time go to the doctor and get birth control. If an accident happens then seek the morning after pill.

I am hoping he is not the forceful type and will be understand but if you dont want a child then seek the right route to help prevent that. As a BF he needs to understand and respect your decisions. Maybe the miscarriage set things back in his mind some and he really wants to go forth and try again but he needs to compromise.

[Rich]

You guys need to get your heads on straight.

On your part, if you don't want to have kids right now, then you need to protect your self with a solid birth control method. Don't let an accident happen and don't have worries while you're having .

As for him, for some reason he feels that a relationship will last forever because of having kids. Obviously this guy has no clue about realtionships and what it takes to have a long lasting one. Are you sure you want to be with this guy long term? Seems like at a quick glance, that you'll be having issues for as long as your together because his thought process doesn't go very deep.

The fact that you fight quite a bit is also very telling. You guys need to resolve why you fight so much before you even decide to get married.

You're smart for not wanting kids until you're married. Be even smarter and don't marry this guy until you can work through the issues that are causing conflict.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[MissCheivious]

Honestly (and I don't want to be hurtful) it sounds like he's trying to get you pregnant so you won't leave him and that's not a good sign. That's insecurity rearing its' ugly head and bringing a child into that is not going to solve his insecurity about losing you. The best way I think to tell him that is to tell him straight out that even if you two do have a child together, that's not a guarantee that you'll be together forever. In fact, it WILL complicate things and making you guys fight more. Reassure him that you'll stay with him with or without a child but you want to have a child with him only if you're commited in marriage, have a bit of a nest egg, etc. That's the mature approach I think. Think of the child's well being BEFORE it gets here. About the bickering....well, some couples just do that. Two people can bicker all the time and be married for years & years. If it bothers you, try to figure out what starts the fights to begin with, if you find yourself beginning to argue, stop and tell him that this is what you guys always do and you don't want to bicker anymore. Try to communicate and just be happy! Hope this helps somewhat. ;)

[nikol0304]

I appreciate all of the caring words. However, I guess I forgot to mention a few things. I actually AM on birth control right now. So as far as me getting pregnant..I'm not worried about that. He knows that I am on it also..The thing is...is that he knows that its not the right time for us to have children, because even when he does go in me, he always insists that I use the restroom, even though he knows I'm on the pill. I guess I should clarify. My only question is...Why is he only saying these things after we get in big arguements while were having ? And how do I go about telling him I'd rather be married first? I know marraige is a big issue, and thats why I don't want to push anything. But again...thanks for all your input. I truly appreciate it.

[eightball61]

During a lot of times the mind wonders into a different world. After though things get brough back to reality. I too have seen many cases or expierenced some of my own where we fight after . I came to the conclusion that this happens because after you feel that much open and closer to your partner that you are willing to share anything or discuss anything. The porblem is it sets up for an arguement. shouldn't be the only reason to get open. As a couple you both should be open no matter what.

Now you are 19 and he is 28. You both are adults but he's been through more than you and more willing to start a a family because of his age. I am 22 and my GF is 17. I had to bring myself some to her thinking level and not push any because I know she is young like you are and just begining to experience what I have gone through. Its tough and he has to be patient and willing to work with it.

Why is marriage such an issue to him? You both have a lack of communication and it need to be shared. I can' tell you how to communicate because that just happens when you both talk. You have to be confident and stand up for your beliefs but at the same time try to see his view of things.

[nikol0304]

I appreciate you help eightball. I don't think he has an issue with marriage...I just think he is hesitant because of things in our relationship and because of his past marriage. Hopefully I can talk to him about this as I would love to marry him and start a family...at the right time of course. So again..thanks for your help!

[eightball61]

Thats right...its all about timing and he needs to know that. He needs to slow down at your pace some and it can only be done with that by communicating. Hopefully he will understand.