Having An Affair

[Madworld]

I am new to this site. I am posting this in the remote hope that someone has something positive to say to me!..let me explain. I have been married for 10 years and have two children of 4 and 6. I started having an affair three months ago. I am the kind of girl who took her marriage vows seriously, frowned on anyone who ever even considered infidelity and honestly believed that I would never go there.

In short, the attraction was amazing from both sides. One text message led to another and one meeting let to another. He is also married with three children of 6, 5 and 1.

I have questionned and questionned myself as to why I let this happen. I have read website after website which warns against this....it's not fair on your husband....it's going to end in someone getting hurt...what about your children....are you willing to risk everything....etc etc etc. And right they are too.

But I have fallen in love with this man. And he has fallen in love with me. It is an impossible situation. We haven't discussed where this goes next, I think it's an area we dare not delve into. There's just so much at stake and so much hardship to cause. In a perfect world I would either leave the affair or be true to my husband and leave my marriage. I seem to be caught in headlights, unable to move, and unable to do either of those things. What the hell is wrong with me?

Please don't reply with judgemental words. I know. I know because I always judged others. Just wise words would be helpful.

[SALly]

Hey girl, I've been there. There's not many people on this site anymore. But I'll help ya out in any way I can. I understand what you are going through, i've been there myself. I can't say it's right, but what's done is done and all you can do is figure out what you really want to come of it all now.

[Madworld]

Hi Sally. Thanks for your reply. It's nice to talk to someone who's been there. I daren't look too far ahead at the moment, I've just no idea where I'm going. All I know is that I'm not willing to give him up at the moment.

My hubby and I have been through our fair share of problems, and it's not been good lately, but things are improving. I'm not sure if I still love him or not. How can I? I'm fairly sure I'm in love with someone else. But whilst I'm not willing to give up the affair, I'm also not "ready" to be found out or "ready" to leave my whole marriage behind. That seems such a major, major step.

I guess in the back of my mind, I know this can't go on forever. At some point, like you say, some decisions have to be made. I guess I'll just have to hang on in there until a bulb lights up in my head and I know what to do.

Any further advice?! Thanks for listening.

Madworld

[Diablo]

Madworld, children being involved makes this a bit of a sticky wicket. There really is no easy way out. However, this relatiuonship is doomed to fail. You're both married and have kids. I would advise to bite the bullet and end it. It only leads to disaster.

[smackie9]

Well these things do happen. For one reason this affair is an escape from your present life. Dealing with marriage and children can really wear on someone, even make you think "is this how I want to spend my life doing? Is there more to life? what am I missing out on?" Having an affair is like a detour....which most of the time leads to a dead end. The emotional high you get from it can be oh so addicting, like a drug addict, you are willing to risk everything to have it. Something has to give. You are on here for a reason......you are at the point where you need answers. You have to start asking yourself......do you want a future with this man, and does he want one with you? Most cases the man does end up picking the wife so beware. You can end it and get couples counseling to find out what went wrong and why. But it sounds like you are at a crossroads here. Choose wisely.....weigh the pros and cons.......keep in touch.......I'm here listening :)

[SALly]

Very good advice! So true. I've been there and it was just 'the affair' that i loved and not necessarily the person I was having it with. It could have been anyone and I would have felt I loved them (although I didn't really realize that at the time). It was the excitement, the newness, someone so excited about ME...all that shit that ends up missing when you've been married for a while and have kids. You have to figure things out on your own. Only you can decide what you really want. Lots of people will have an opinion and lots of people will know what you "should do" but only you really know what's best for YOU. I took years figuring things out. Some people thought I was crazy but it's what worked best for me. I took time, worked on myself and making sure I was strong and well... before I made an big decisions.

[Rich]

Mad World-

You have to think about your marriage and what you truly want out of life. You also really need to get to the bottom of WHY you cheated.

Every marriage goes through doldrums. The dwindles with kids and the burdens of trying to make a living and paying for everything.

Your marriage also lost the "excitement" that you both felt for each other in the beginning. The trick to keeping a marriage healthy and exciting is to keep making dates and having alone time together. This is hard when you have kids, but you have to get a baby sitter and make dates with your husband.

You're supposed to grow closer as friends and partners when your married. You're supposed to want to be with the person that you're with and do things with them.

You and your husband drifted apart. You both put your marriage on cruise control and it's falling apart.

As I have noted many times on this site, a relationship is like owning a car or house in as much as you need to keep doing preventative maintenance on your relationship (cards, gifts, weekends in a hotel alone together, etc.) just like you do on your car and house.

What happens if you don't do upkeep on your house or car? Chances are that they will run down and start breaking down.

You're at the point in which you need to decide what it is that you want to do. Stay with what you have and fix it, or go with this new guy.

Keep in mind that this affair is exciting and you're looking at it with rose colored glasses on. Take those off and look at the reality.

Your marriage lost it's excitement because of the mundaneness of every day living and if you leave your husband and get married to this guy, the same thing will happen.

Of course when you only see someone for a few hours a week or month and it's only and excitement (thrill of possibly getting caught), then of course it's fun and alluring. If you marry that guy you'll be with him 7 x 24. Plus now you're talking about alot of children, child support and pissed off ex's that will make your lives hell....do you really think that it'll be as exciting as it is now with this guy? HELL NO!

So the question is, do you want to repair what you have and rekindle that flame with your husband, or do you want to go through the hell that is divorce and maybe have that exciting with this guy for awhile and then get right back to where you are now, but only with this new guy. Everyday life sucks the excitement out of every relationship and the excitement that you feel with this guy now will fade.

Another problem is that if you both leave your marriages for each other, then in the back of your minds you will each feel that the other will cheat again if the marriage goes down hill. Do you want to live like that? Having that worry and thought all the time?

If your marriage ends it should be because of the merits of the marriage itself and not because of another person.

[Silly]

If the affair is going for 10 years, how long more will this affair last. This is a situation where the man seperate from his wife the the woman still with her husband.

[Rich]

Having an affair is exciting and addictive. You might think that you love this guy, but what you love is the passion and excitement. How can you say that you truly love this other guy when you haven't been together in real life situations other than in a bed somewhere.

Try to project down the road with this guy and see things in reality. Will you still feel the same way about this guy if you're with him everyday and are faqced with the same day to day crap that you're dealing with today? Only add more crap to your plate in the realities to having two pissed off ex's with children to bring back and forth to visitation and child support and all of that mess.

You can't view your relationship with this other guy as a real life relationship right now as it's just . The fact that you don't know what to do (stay or go) also shows that you "truly" don't know this man enough to make a commitment to him.

All relationships have issues. You need to truly evaluate your marriage and all that is wrong with it. Write down the pros and cons and see what's what. I can show you unequivically where your relationship is strong and where it's weak, but you need to do it for yourself from an objective point of view.

Take a step back and view your marriage as a whole. Envision being in a forest and all that you see is trees and no way out. Now picture yourself floating high above the trees and you can see the whole forest and how far you have to go to get out. That's what you need to do. View your marriage from afar.

What is it that your husband isn't giving you that you need. ? Emotional support? Intimacy? Communication?

Once you truly understand why it is that you cheated, you can than try to see if your marriage can be repaired so that you're getting what you need. If your marriage can't give you what you need, then look to get out if you have to have what ever it is that you need and can't go without.

You should never leave a relationship because you met someone else. In life you're always going to meet someone smarter, more attractive, fun to be with, etc., than the person that you're with. You just will. And if you're going to meet someone better, then will you always want to leave?

You should leave a relationship because it's not working and for that reason only. The reason to stay, or to leave should be based soley what's going on with you, your husband and the marriage, not some other person.

Then the question is, did I try long enough and hard enough to save my marriage, or did I just give up because I had a way out?

IMO you have nothing to lose by having an honest conversation with your husband about your marriage. I wouldn't tell him about your affair, but I would get to the bottom about what makes you unhappy and see if things can be changed around.

Chances are that your hubby has some crap on his mind too about things that he would like that would make him more happy and you might be suprised about what is said. Bottom line is that you both need to be totally HONEST about your feelings and about what is bothering you.

Just keep in mind that once kids come, that between married people does dwindle. Babies and kids take alot out of you both (if you're sharing the work load) and that you're tired when you go to bed.

As a couple you both need to be cognizant of your marriage and your commitment to always make each other happy and to love each other. When kids come along the marriage and loving part goes on cruise control and most often the marriage suffers for it.

You both need to make an effort to kepp the spark alive while raising your kids. You can't just focus on the kids. You need to continue to focus on each other as well.

Don't let your spark die because once that it is gone, then it most likely won't come back.

You married each other for a reason and hopefully it wasn't because you got pregnant. Go back to what brought you two together and make a concerted effort to get it back and make it greater.

If is the issue then you need to be honest about that too. Sometimes becomes boring. Talk about it and spice things up. Be open about things.

I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that if you truly can't put into words why your marriage is failing, then who is to say that it won't happen again with this guy if you married him.

Evaluate, identify and correct.

[draconis]

Madworld ~ First I will say I am against cheating, period. I think it is fair that you either.

A) Let your husband have an open relationship were he can sleep with who ever he wants.

B) Come clean about the affair.

C) Divorce your husband and wait for this guy to do the same and when you are left with nothing you can realize that your husband meant much more to you then you ever knew.

draconis

[Scubasteve]

Play with fire, you get burned.

How would you feel if your hubby was cheating on you. How would you feel if your mother was cheating on your father? Nuff said.

[Verzen]

Convince your husband to have with another women while your in the same room. I'm sure he will go for that. Most guys will. Then you will feel what it's like to be on the other end of the stick.

[illiniphase4]

Sorry, but it sounds like you need some judgemental words... no one comes to a site and says something like that unless they aren't really looking for advice, but just looking for someone to tell them what they want to hear.

You're a deer in the headlights because you allowed yourself to be. Unlike a deer, you knowingly walked into oncoming traffic...

You've already cheated on both your spouse and children emotionally... are you willing to take that next step and ruin whatever you may have at home and allow this other person to do the same with his family?

More importantly, have you once stopped to ask yourself whether you'd have lost the spark with your husband had you put the amount of effort into communicating with him that you are putting into this other guy? And have you even spoken with your husband about any issues the two of you are facing and given him the chance to put forth that effort as well? I think you owe your husband and children that much at least.

[draconis]

Convince your husband to have with another women while your in the same room. I'm sure he will go for that. Most guys will. Then you will feel what it's like to be on the other end of the stick.


No not all and most relationships couldn't handle it either.

draconis

[eightball61]

No not all and most relationships couldn't handle it either.

draconis



I know I wouldn't be able to.

[Verzen]

No not all and most relationships couldn't handle it either.

draconis

It was sarcasm.. =P

[draconis]

It was sarcasm.. =P

Oh, sorry I missed that.

draconis

[voodoogs]

madworld - a males perspective. i have been there and on the other side.
my partner went through the same thing. i realised it was due to my failings in the relationship so i do not blame her for it. we have kids too and we all know that is what really counts. you need to step away from this other man for as long as you possibly can and work on what you have with your husband. tell this man that is what you need to do. he will give you the space if you ask for it. be with the kids and your husband and try (really try) to make it work - one last shot if you will - you owe your family that! if you decide that there is no hope (you will know when) then leave him.. it is really that simple. you will be happier. your husband and kids will eventually forgive you. eventually. good luck, i know how it is.

[ChillGuyFl]

Just read through this thread to help with my own knowledge, just have to say rich, smackie and draconis jeez you guys have such great advice its amazing.

[smackie9]

That is so nice of you to say ty:)

[Rich]

Thanks for the compliment.

It would be nice to hear from madworld and see what's going on.