should i break it off...

[amorphousblob]

sometimes i feel like our relationship is like a movie. here's the basics of the story. sorry it's kind of long, but it might help you understand my situation a bit more:

he didn't like me at first, but i did. after getting to know me, we became good friends, but i lost feelings for him along the way. (he called me his sister bc he felt that i liked him but he didn't feel the same). i stuck that mindset on me and accepted him as a brother, but slowly, he started to like me. however, some problems came up with him and his friends, and he took it out basically on everyone, and refused to talk to everyone, including me.

i was very hurt and started to dislike him. i lost all feelings for him, including the little "maybes" and the "he's kinda cute. i think i still like him, just a little bit".

along the way, some problems also happened to me, and i changed for the worse. i didn't see people the same way anymore.

a few months later, we finally see each other again, and he realizes that he misses me. he constantly tries to talk to me. out of politeness, i talked back. sometimes i still enjoyed our good ol' conversations, but it wasn't the same as before. i could feel a slight resistance and apathy toward him.

i could sense he started to like me more and more, but i never planned on dating him. i couldn't see much of a future with him, and i still felt some resentment toward him. however, i didn't avoid him when i should, and faced an awkward situation. he really pushed it and asked me to be his gf.

i refused at first, but i felt guilty to see him hurt. i truly valued his friendship and didn't want that gap like before. i decided to give it a try since he would be my first real bf.

however, i felt it was too rushed, so i dated him, then told him i wanted to be friends. but i felt bad, so i gave him another chance and waited longer. again, i didn't feel it was right, and said to stop, but this time i started to like him more and don't know why i stopped it. but i felt bad again, and decided to give it another try. finally, i have been able to be with him for 5 months.

however, i felt like i got rushed and pushed into a relationship i'm not sure of. i usually take things very slowly with guys, which is why i wasn't even in a relationship yet. but with my current bf, he rushed it to gf right away without even dating. and he has already declared that he wants to be with me forever. i started to like him again, but it was different from before. sometimes i wonder if i force myself to like him, because i'm trying to have that feeling i once had when i first met him. maybe i want to rekindle that fire, and pretend the awful gap never happened.

he is a very sweet person. he gives me massages, doesn't take me for granted, and always wants to see me. sometimes i feel like i love him, because nobody is ever that sweet to me. i can't trust anyone like that. i tell him a lot of things, and we are very happy and have honest laughs sometimes. but i also feel annoyed of him out of nowhere sometimes. i don't feel like i'm truly happy with him deep down. i feel bored of him sometimes. and sometimes i feel like i might be happier if i'm single.

if i break it off, he will just think i'm seeing someone else. but the awful truth is, i like to be alone. i don't think i can handle a relationship right now. but at the same time, i don't want to hurt him. i feel like we got together at the wrong time. maybe it would've been better when i'm closer to being ready to settle down. but i don't plan to settle down until 10 years later. i don't know if we'll even last that long...

[coach]

My advice is to take your time, don't be rushed, and if you really want a break, than tell him that, and explain how you feel.

Having mixed feelings towards someone you are emotionally involved with is pretty commonplace: allowing someone to get close to you means that sometimes things can get a little confusing. Maybe emotional stuff from other relationships gets stirred up, or perhaps little insignificant idiosyncrasies of the person annoy us because they relate to another time, maybe another place, and perhaps another person. Being intimately involved with someone carries risks - will they hurt me, will it last forever, will my feelings change? .. etc, etc.

Trusting someone usually comes through getting to know them, finding out how reliable they are, whether they are predictable, etc. But then sometimes people who have all that say: "this is boring... where's the excitement?"

So relationships can bring dilemmas along with all the other advantages they offer.

From what you write, I get the impression that there is a lot that you enjoy in this relationship, Ok, he may not be the guy for you long term, but so what? Be honest with him in the sense that 'who knows what the future holds?'... don't lead him up the garden path, while at the same time sharing the positive feeling that you do have for him. Then if he stays in the relationship, he knows where he stands.

But then if you want to be on your own for a while, then tell him. It probably will hurt him, for a while that is, but he will get over it. But then do you want him to get over it? Life can get so complicated at times!

Being me, I wonder why you feel unsure of being able to handle a relationship per se, but then I fully appreciate that you may not want to go into that.

If it's that you feel pressurised because his feelings seem stronger than yours, then I would say be honest with him about how you feel, and then if he wants to carry on, enjoy what you have while it lasts.

Being trustworthy means you can't always say the things that people would like to hear, or offer the reassurance that they would like to receive.

If he is trying to push you into something you feel unable to aspire to, remind him that a dream remains a dream until it is truly shared by both people! Real relationships tend to be a lot more complicated than the romantic ones we see in the movies, although it's very easy to miss the script when you are deeply smitten.

[amorphousblob]

Hi Coach,
is it normal that sometimes i feel he is lame and corny. sometimes i feel he is trying too hard to be funny. but there are other times where he can truly crack me up.

but i also feel like there's a lack of communication between us. we talked more when we were friends. now, we talk less, and the only other difference is, we get to touch each other. other than that, i don't see much of a difference.

i feel comfortable enough with him, but i've experienced other situations where i could talk with someone.

sometimes when he says "what are we doing tomorrow", "will i see you tomorrow", "do you want to do something", i feel like saying no most of the time. ... i feel bored of him sometimes bc he won't talk and it makes me frustrated. i never experienced this problem when we were friends...

[smackie9]

You should never feel guilty or obligated to avoid hurting their feelings.......because in the end when you try to like them and it doesn't happen, you end up hurting them even more. You need to look at yourself more on how you deal with situations.....being honest with someone isn't such a bad thing. I have a feeling he knows it's not working....that's why he is avoiding getting into a conversation with you, because it's gonna end with you saying "I don't think this is working out....."

[Lady Love]

Let me first say my opinions don’t always mesh with the majority but I believe that is what makes us unique.

I don’t think you are being pushed or rushed, I think you lack the ability to be assertive. You seem to know what you want from a relationship yet it appears you are talking yourself in to one you are not interested in for the purpose of making someone else feel comfortable. At all cost you must make yourself happy because if you are not happy then you are unable to make others happy. I believe you know what you must do; the thing is how are you going to do it? There is no better way than to be direct. If he’s truly your friend then your friendship will survive it. It most likely will not feel good at first but it will get better as times go by.

[coach]

Have you told him that you would like more in the way of conversation?

If you feel there are enough pluses in the relationship, maybe it's worth trying to improve things?

If not, the fairest way may be to tell him that you feel the relationship has run it's course.

No doubt he will be upset, but he will get over it given time.