Need Advice Please

[JonHu33]

Hi, im new to these forums, infact I came searching for advice online to my problem and this seems like the best place, so let me begin.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year now. We deeply love each other, often talk about marriage, kids, etc. We both know we were meant for each other, like the perfect love ideaology. Howver, this past Sunday a friend of mine mentioned that my girlfriend may have cheated on me. (To put the scenario in context as well, I am finishing college as well as she, however, we do live quite far away and see each other on weekends when I can fly to meet her.) When I approached her about this rumor, she told me it was at a party where she got drunk and some guy forced himself on her, she said she never told me because she didnt want to hurt me, because she didnt want it to end what we have, this event occured around 4 months into our relationship.

As you can imagine, ive been heartbroken, and angry for the past few days, and utterly confused. I know I love her still, but I dont know what to do anymore, whether I can trust her again? Do i forgive her and go on? To me, I feel like the past 8 months have just been a lie now, as if they don't exist or mean anything anymore. She calls me and begs me to forgive, shes been crying endlessly and telling me she loves me and how sorry she is, and when I started to talk about leaving her she tried to kill herself, she said she couldnt live without me.

And Im just so distraught right now. The long distance thing has been tough, but we always knew we wanted to make it work, and now Im just lost. Of course, ive also been sitting here questioning my own self-worth, and what did I do to deserve this. I love her, I know I do, I know she loves me, but im just afraid if I let this go, if i offer forgiveness thatll I just get hurt again by her.

I dont even feel like the same person anymore. My girlfriend even said that I seem bipolar after she told me, because I go from angry to sad and then to happy so quickly. She is begging me for a second chance, and I dont know what to do, she has promised me a million times over that shell never hurt me again, that she will do anything I want as long I dont leave her.

Do I end it? Do I let it go? Do I try again? How am I supposed to trust her ever? So many different things running in my mind now.

Any advice would be appreciated. I would love to hear from people who have endured similar circumstances.

Thank you.

Jon

[eightball61]

You are in a relationship and you will need to trust her word. If you can't then just end it. Sure its a heart breaking event but if this is true about the guy then her steps should be to file rape. Even though she was drunk she was forced to preform an actiond she didn't want.

This is kinda a test though and bring this approach to her. IF this rape really did happen then she could be or may will be suffering some personal anxiety issues about the whole thing. She did come clean about it and that should be enough to believe her word. Its hard on you but also hard on her for this to happen. Offer support to her and explain how you feel about it. Try to guide her in the direction I gave you but if you feel you can't handle it then maybe you need a break.

[Rich]

Here it is again, the threat of suicide to hold onto something or somebody.

People who do that have deep emotional issues that need to be addressed.

Here's your simple way to see if she was telling you the truth or not in regards to her infidelity and it's what I posted to someone else who faced the same dilema.

If your GF is saying that she was drunk and someone forced himself on her, then she was date raped. It's that simple in the eyes of the law. Rape is rape and I don't believe there's a statute of limitations. I could be wrong but I don't know. Ask her if she said no to the guy and he still did it?

Tell your GF that if she was really forced upon to have with someone, to go to the police and file a rape report? I'm betting that she'll come up with every excure in the book as to why she can't do that and that she won't do that. If you really press her to do it, she'll finally crack and tell you the truth that she sort of was a willing participant.

IMO, your GF was drunk, was flirtatious and wound up having with someone. Afterwards she felt guilty about you, but nonetheless she let herself be with someone else. Why else would she feel so guilty and threaten to commit suicide? If she really was date raped, then she would be defiant. She would expect you to believe her and would be pissed at you for not. The fact that she is threatening suicide to hold onto you shows that she feels guilty about letting herself be with someone else.

As for your part, you can either forgive her and chalk it up to being young, drunk and or you can't forgive her.

There's no right or wrong decision that you can be judged on here. You have to do what you feel is in your heart. In the future would you ever be able to trust her if she said that she wanted to go out drinking with her friends? Would things be different if you weren't so far apart? Only you can answer those questions.

You were betrayed and only you can forgive...... or not.

Also consider that she put your health at risk. Who is to say that the guy she had with didn't have a ually transmitted disease? What if she gave it to you? She didn't have the respect to give you the opportunity to not have with her again until she was tested. What if you have aids now?

This isn't nice to think about, but this is what our actions expose people to when cheating occurs. can be a deadly game.

The choice is yours.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[inquisitive]

I agree with Rich. If she was raped then she would have nothing to be sorry for and everything to be mad about.

[eightball61]

I agree with Rich. If she was raped then she would have nothing to be sorry for and everything to be mad about.


Oh I agree with that also and again Rich pointed it out better than I did. If she was raped then she would be suffering so much other effects.

[lover1]

I think you should try to make it work. Everyone does something in a relationship that they wish they would not have done. I am sure you have done something and are ashamed of it. I don't know if you are religious or not but God does not weigh sins differently; a lie is as wrong as a murder. We need to stop puting more enfaces on certain things. I know it doesn't sound realistic but it is the truth. Yes she was wrong for not telling you and i know that it is more hurtful when you find things out from someone else but just sit and think of your faults. My point is if you love her as much as you say you do especially since it is long distance, then you should try to make it work. But it will not work unless you approach the issue with an open mind and be in the state of forgiveness. Just remember love conquers everything.

[Rich]

IMO love only conquers all if love is the only thing to base a relationship on. But unfortunately, it's not.

I can love my dog to death, but if it keeps turning around and biting me, then I'm getting rid of it.

There are so many things that go into a good relationship. Honesty, respect, fidelity, commitment and trust are only some of those.

If she does not file rape charges, then the chances are that she was a willing participant in the "get together".

By doing that she wasn't faithful to the relationship. She's not being totally honest about what happened. She broke the trust that existed and she's obviously not as committed to this relationship that he is.

I do agree that love does overcome a lot of things and it keeps you in their battling, when most other times you would not. So the choice is to work to find out HONESTLY why she did it and her feelings on their relationship. Then it's his choice to either keep it going or to end it.

IMHO, she's young, still growing and experiencing life. That even though she's in an exclusive relationship, that deep within she knows that she's not ready to get tied down and was having fun. She was ually turned on and wanted to have some fun.

I think that she should be honest in her feelings and not be in a committed relationship if she still wants to "see what's out there" and to have fun. There's nothing wrong with that either, in wanting to have fun while you're young. Just don't hurt someone else by doing it, that's all.

Rich

[lover1]

I understand everything you are saying but I was saying that true love on both ends can conquer anything. If they do not have true love then no it will not work. In response to what you were saying about the dog you said you could love your dog to death. Tha does not mean that your dog loves you to death. That is my point about true love it has to be mutual.

I was just trying to get him to see that he probably has done some things before too. He might not consider them to be as bad but he will never know that until she finds out. So maybe they need to just sit down and talk about everything that is on their mind. Nothing will work unless both of them are completely honest and open.

[Rich]

Understood.

Yes. Openness, honesty and communication.

[JonHu33]

Just as an update, after reading what everyone has said, I approached her again with the subject, however this time I pressed what were the circumstances of the account, was she willing? Was she forced? She swears to me the whole thing was forced, she even said if it would make me believe her she would file a report. She said the only reason she didnt is because she didnt want it to spread that this happened again(yes, again, she was raped when she was 15), she didnt want the kind of attention that comes when you report something like this.

Of course this could all just be a bunch of bull as well. WHat are your thoughts? And for those interested I decided to forgive and have our relationship move forward again, I love her, and even if she may or may not love me Im going to give it my all.

So ya, what do you think? Is it truthful?

Thanks.

Jon

Edit: Just incase you wanted more info to perhaps get a better feel of the situation. She also gave up drinking alcohol completely and going to any party that would present itself as putting her in this situation again, the day after it happened about 8 months ago. So I do give her credit for that atleast.

Also, were not that young in terms of having a solid relationship in which we want(or atleasted wanted to be married into someday), I am 24 and she is 23.

Just a few bits of info that might clarify the situation more.

Edit, again: I forgot to mention earlier, I thank you all very much for your advice.

[eightball61]

Your position at this time is to trust what you want to trust. .

[inquisitive]

That sounds very genuine! I can understand her not wanting to go to the police. Since there was alcohol inolved it's easy for a lot of men to make the lives of the women they rape hell. At least she said she would go to the police if thats what it would take, and she won't put herself in that position again. I think thats important. I'm happy for you that you are able to move beyond and trust her!

[Rich]

I guess it basically comes down to what YOU believe and WANT to believe.

To me it doesn't sound right. If she was really raped at 15 and this happened again, I feel that she would really be an emotional and mental mess right now. So much so that she probably wouldn't want to trust or be near ANY man, even you. She would truly be frightened of all men. She would cringe or pull away when you touched her ually.

But who knows, maybe you have that one in a million GF that can put two rapes behind her pretty easily and not have those rapes affect her mentally?

IMO, the fact that she's given up drinking more leads one to believe that she knows that the drinking led her to having with that guy. Not that it was rape. She had with that guy because she was drunk and rather than not drink to excess anymore, she's instead promising to stay away from booze all together. Which by the way, she won't, IMO.

I guess if you wanted to, you could call her bluff and have her file a report. My thinking is that she still won't and will come up with another excuse. Which is what I said in the first place, wasn't it? And if she really was raped, wouldn't filing a report more protect other girls on campus from this guy more than just making her look bad? That's just my thought. Right now there's a ual predator out there that rapes girls when they're drunk. Or is there?

Bottom line is that you've chosen to forgive her and move on. And that means to move on. Asking if we think that she's telling you the truth will still keep you on the subject. If you're moving on, then you really need to close the book on this incident and never bring it up again because you'll never totally trust her because you'll have your doubt. For your relationship to work you need to totally trust her.

Good luck,

Rich

[inquisitive]

Not to argue with you Rich, and not to say that she was for sure raped. But I do understand her not wanting to go to the authorities. She was drinking so was he. It's a he said she said. He could very easily make her look like the bad one. Also the authorities are not always helpful with rapes and alcohol. If she pressed the issue she may have to go to court about it and tell all to everyone. Her ual history would be brought up, and she would be made to look as bad as can be. She sleeps around etc etc.

[eightball61]

Not to argue with you Rich, and not to say that she was for sure raped. But I do understand her not wanting to go to the authorities. She was drinking so was he. It's a he said she said. He could very easily make her look like the bad one. Also the authorities are not always helpful with rapes and alcohol. If she pressed the issue she may have to go to court about it and tell all to everyone. Her ual history would be brought up, and she would be made to look as bad as can be. She sleeps around etc etc.


Then in that case call it as a lessoned learned, seek some therapy because she is a rape victem, and he should trust her word.....but we dont actually know the whole side to this. I been drunk many times in my life and I understand we all act differently but when someone says no it does register to me. She could have gotten away or screamed since she was at a party. Anything can go to this but my thoughts differ about the rape and I am to believe there is another side to this whole story.

[Rich]

It's not arguing, Inq., we're both just expressing our opinions. :-) Which is what these forums are all about. Give multiple sides to an issue. Make people think.

Either way it's a moot point because he's chosen to forgive, forget, trust and move on with the relationship.

I just feel that her saying that she was forced upon when she was drunk, was probably willing, wasn't in control and maybe said yes, maybe said no but can't remember, is wrong.

What if JonHu was the jealous, vindictive and revengeful type of boyfriend and tracked this guy down and beat him to death? What if all this guy did was pick up a chick at a party and had with her? Hell, that was my youth and why I went to bars. Not to rape girls but to pick up and hopefully get laid. Honestly, I didn't give a shit if the girl had a boyfriend, was engaged or was married. I was just looking to get laid and so are 99.9% of all college men.

I just feel that either you were raped, or you weren't. Don't say that someone forced themself upon you as a way of covering up your guilt of getting drunk and having out of a relationship.

My apologies to Jon's GF is this isn't the case. But I just feel that she got drunk, fooled around with this guy. Probably didn't really want to, but never screamed or said no and now she's just saying what she said not to lose Jon.

I'd love to hear updates from JonHu as time goes by as to the status of this relationship. I have my thoughts on how I see this playing out but will keep them locked in my crazy head. lol

Rich

[inquisitive]

Never thought of that eightball - yelling or screaming since they were at a party should of put an end to it, but there has been occasin when it didn't...

Rich I definetly agree that if she just got drunk and had she should come clean and not cry rape. That is what makes it hard for women to go to the cops when there is any amount of alcohol involved. The women who cry rape as an excuse to their bad judgement.

I too would look forward to updates as time goes by!

[eightball61]

Yes, anything is possible but with all this adding up her story does not make sense. I been on relationship boards through the net for a few years now and I have seen many times where the other partner claimed rape because they were afraid to lose thier partner to cheating. My mind is stuck to the fact that there is more to this story. Sure she could have been held down but the opportunities of her screaming, kicking the male in the balls, or fighting way through could have happened/been done.

If there wasa struggle I am willing to bet that she would be bruised or marked by it and as far as we know she isn't. The other thing is what was she doing is this room alone with another male when she is taken. I am a DJ and I see many girls that are not single and go to a club to get drunk and have fun but they go as a group and stay as a group. If she went to a party then where were here friends?

see what I am getting at?

[inquisitive]

I do definitely see what you are getting at!! I hadn't thought of it before, but I do remember reading about Paul Bernardo raping a girl in his bathroom on the floor with her friends in the next room, drinking, smoking dope etc. and they just ignored her. It was rape though.

I know it's highly unlikely. Just trying to see the positive side :)

How she ended up in the bedroom, why there was no screaming, fighting etc. is suspicious though.

[eightball61]

But if there was a fight (which most rapes have) she would have marks from it. I see your point and its all possible but I am sticking to what I see. Anything is possible and its great to have two sides like this.

[JonHu33]

Well, as much as I would love to check for bruises, marks, etc. I can't as they would have healed by now. You have to remember, this incident occured over 8 months ago, and I just got word of it Sunday. So some things I cant determine. And I know you all have said earlier that your glad I have moved on, etc. I just ask still more so, because I find all your opinions helpful, for my own mind. I have told her I want to get over this, as long as she has been telling me the honest truth. I believe Ive been getting half-truths, upfront I want to believe them, inside I am willing to buy them.

Tonight, I didnt get a chance to talk to her, but I left her a voicemail basically explaining what Rich had said earlier, she needs to file a report or come clean. I told her as much as I want to take her word, that I can't. I am willing to forgive her even if it was drunk and she blatantly cheated, and I am going to be there to help her if it turns out it was rape. The most she has offered me so far is "I drank too much, I didnt know what I was doing, I cant remember if I said no or not, but it was all forced, every bit of it."(In so many words) Also she cited that "I couldnt breathe, beceause he was holding my head down."(This is in regards to oral . By the way, apparently no actual ual occurred, only oral, which in some odd way makes me feel somewhat better.)(She also stated she passed out in the middle of it.)

The above facst she admitted to me on Sunday by the way, they did not surface just because I am pressing the motive for the actions now.

Now, you dont have to be a Harvard graduate to see (yes, even with my biased opinion) that she sounds like shes giving me conflicting reasons and explanations of what happened. Again, this is for two reasons I can think off, 1) she is straight up lying to me, out of guilt, remorse, love?, etc. and 2) It in fact was rape, and she is emotionally struggling to cope with it.

Just as a side note. The first rape that occured to her was by an ex-boyfriend she had. During that incident, she did not inform the police, but did tell her parents and did have a restraining order placed on him because he was dangerous(he was violent with her in their relationship before the incident).

So ya, let the thread continue. You have no idea how helpful this has been in looking at my situation from so many different angles. Also, if you feel you want to say something to me that you dont want to post here please feel free to send me a Personal Message or email me at jonhu33@aol.com.

Rich, I saw earlier you said you had personal beliefs about where you see my relationship going. Please feel free to post your thoughts or send them to me. Any advice and thoughts are helpful.

Thanks.

Jon

Edit: I read in more detail what was said. and need to include some more info. The incident didnt occur in the house at the party, it occured outside in the back. The guy apparently was smoking marijuana and had asked if she wanted to join her for a smoke. From there I get a story that she doesnt remember what happened, she just tells me it led to this mess.

And yes, if this was rape, I would kill this er, because of what he is, a sick rapist. If its not, then I owe him no malice. I used to be that way too, pick up girls just to get laid, its not a new idea, but rape would be different.

[Rich]

Jon-

I guess at this point that you pretty much know where things are at. Seems like the more you press her, the more she keeps couching her responses and bringing the incident more towards a regretful ual encounter rather than a rape thing.

She pretty much has said what happened. She drank alot, then did some pot and things went from there. She's remorseful of the incident.

At this point it's up to you to accept what she's saying or not. Sometimes we all do shit when we're drunk that we have no recollection of doing. It's called youth and inexperience. This is how we all learn our limits or what have you.

Not that it matters but IMO, typically pot smokers are mellow folks. The forcefulness of a ??? I have a hard time buying that. It always cracks me up about women who say that men forced them to give them a blow job. JUST BITE THE ING OFF!!!! Just chomp down on that thing and the guy will be in so much pain that you could slowly crawl away and he won't come after you. If a girl was to just bite the guys , she could run away. Hell, when you're getting head and tooth snags, it hurts. Could you imagine someone biting down hard on it? Unless the guy is holding a gun to her head, then the chance to get away is there.

Plus if the guy was stoned, she probably could have kicked his ass. Just picture Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Dude. lol

Seriously, either way though. Hopefully she learned a lesson and won't put herself in that situation again. I do feel that she'll drink again though, so that promise is empty.

Not knowing this further information, My thoughts on your future relationship (and these are just MY thoughts) was that even though you forgave her, that you really didn't totally and the doubt would always be with you. I just felt that this issue would always be a major bump in your relationship road and that you wouldn't be marrying this girl. I felt that you would break up eventually.

Something is also fishy about that other rape as well. Put yourself in the fathers shoes. Your 15 year old daughter tells you that she was raped, ually molested or forced upon by someone....and all he did was get a restraining order against this guy. As a father, that's not what I would have done. You're not getting the whole story there either.

I don't know your situation, but it seems like your GF has a problem putting herself in bad situations. Is it the people that she hangs out with? Was it her upbringing? Booze and drugs? Not a good combo.

If you'd like to keep dating her because you like her, then go ahead. I would just look for repeating patterns. Some people just keep repeating the same things over and over because they don't learn.

Good luck,

Rich

[eightball61]

Even though it was 8 months ago my reaction is how did she react up until the time she told you? Did she seem distant? disturb? irritated?

[inquisitive]

Eightballs questions I think are right on, and I agree with Rich on the forced BJ. I'll be dammed if some guy thinks he can force me to give him oral , no matter how drunk, and stoned I am. I'll not only bite it once I'll bite it again for good measure, and then get my SO to kick the shit out of him (well maybe not but it would be my first reaction). I think if you're able to put this behind you she needs to understand she needs to earn your trust back, and that it'll take a while. We've all done stupid stuff drunk, and I know that when you combine pot in there it's easy not to remember what happened. But as a woman she needs to be more careful of what she is doing where. Smoking and drinking with you, her BF, and having etc. and not remembering is not so bad. It's safe. Going outside at a party with some guy drunk and stoned is just obviously not a good idea.

[JonHu33]

Thank you for your honesty all. Where to begin....Well, first when I pressed her to do the report, she went crazy with me, got very very angry, screaming things like "why wont you belive me?" and "how can I make you trust me?" Then she kind of just didnt talk to me for about an hour till she could cool down. Afterwards, we talked a bit, she still doesnt want to file a report, which leads me to believe now that she is lying to me, but oh well, ill bite the bullet and go with it. I want to trust her again, and I think in time I can, like Inq. said she needs "to earn your trust back, and that it'll take a while."

Next, eightball asked how she reacted after the incident. Leading up to it, we were perfect, I think in my original post I cited us as a perfect couple in that fairy tale type of love, you know, the passion you only read about. Things were great, I mean, of course we had our little spats every now and then, nothing major, and mostly because being 2000 miles apart is stressful, so you kind of just want to argue sometimes if you have nothing to talk about. We never get irritated with each other, especially in person, we were as close as we could get. Only once this surfaced did things change. I think her heart is genuinly in the right place, but her mind is holding her back.

I asked her earlier, if she was ready to be with only me for the rest of her life, if she was willing to make the scarifice to commit to just me. I gave her all day to think about it, and she told me she was. She still regrets her actions, and its that regret that tells me it wasnt rape. But as I said earlier, Im moving past that issue, now Im going to work on rebuilding my relationship.

As to her upbringing. She comes from a very rich and good upbringing. Her parents are great people, have never harmed her, she has wonderful siblings, etc. However, a little background, we met when we were 18 in highschool. When I met her then, her home life was much different then her friends/relationships at the time. She had a series of horrible boyfriends that did abuse her ually and physically. The type of people she associated with was a crowd that spent most its time drinking and partying on the weekends, just the wrong crowd, she was in a downward spiral.

Now im no angel, but I also prided myself on being a moral and good person, sure Ill drink a few at a party, but I dont go to them looking to get smashed, vomitting and feeling like shit isnt much fun to me. When I saw her, when I saw what she was living, my heart went out to her. Just talking to her you saw she didnt like her situation, she clinged to horrible boyfriends because she was afraid to be alone, they made her believe she deserved the punishment they dealt her, just sick people. Well 6 months after we met, I had become her best friend, and very subtly, I had distanced her from that life she had before. She no longer drank in large amounts, she quit any type of drugs, etc.

I believed I had succeeded in changing her. And so college came, we said out goodbyes and always kept in touch(and I mean like talked to each other for atleast 6 hours a day, sometimes longer). Well, so we started dating about a year ago, because we knew it was something we both wanted for a long time. Throughout the relationship she never did anything terribly crazy, nothing like you hear most college kids drinking every night and partying like its 1985 lol. She did her party thing, but laid off the booze, plus I always had friends at her school keep an eye on her, they always reported to me she did nothing bad. So in time, I let my guard down and gave her full trust.

I think what helped lead to this situation is a number of things. The party she was at was infact a sort of formal thing, people were in dresses and suits, kind of like a homecoming or prom thing. The guy turns out to be somone she thought was sort of an accquaintance, Ive heard stories about him before, that he seemed nice, but was A) a loser and B) horribly ugly, she never hung out with him, but had no reason to fear him, multiple people told me this, not just her. I think the alcohol definatley inhibited her thinking, and she put her guard down. I believe somewhat like Rich said, that she just got drunk and ed up. However I believe that it was something more like she got drunk, started to up and midway through realized what she was doing and didnt want it, but couldnt stop or as she told me passed out from combined fear, remorse, and alcohol, you know lots of emotion flooding her. I believe this, because as I explained earlier, her past was filled with people that made her believe she deserved the shit they did to her, that she was lower than them and they could rightly do whatever they wanted to her.

Also, earlier you all asked where her friends were, well on this particular night she was with my best friend and his girlfriend, playing third wheel. Well being a good night, those two left her there without saying anything to her. They said while they were there, this guy was coming onto her heavy and everytime she just pushed him away, told him to off, stuff like that, so in some sense she did fight him off at first. So again, this adds a bit of confusion to the situation, like how could you be fight the guy off and then end up with him? CONFUSING!

Just as a side note to the rape issue. I am like you Rich, if my duaghter was raped I would be livid, I would have the er killed, I dont know why they never pressed it, and its not place to ask, I wish i knew, but I cant. As another thought, she has a younger sister who is now 16, however, when she was 12 she too was raped. She told me this and come to find out Im one of the only people that knows she was, she hid it from her parents, from everyone. Something about those girls makes them believe they deserve the shit they take in life, I know its a common characteristic among rape victims to not want to go to the police, to blame themselves for being raped, hell...just watch an episode of "Law & Order" and youll learn that hehe.

So ya, kind of long post, lots of info in it, please read, anaylyze and digest, this has been great help for me, seeing the problem through a different view, its like better than therapy lol

As you said Rich, I will definatley look for repeating patterns, and I will keep my guard up in keeping my eye on her, and hopefully in time I will regain some semblance of trust in her.

Also, can you all please offer me some help in rebuilding my relationship. Things I can do to strengthen it, make it last, etc.

Thanks.

Jon

[eightball61]

Next, eightball asked how she reacted after the incident. Leading up to it, we were perfect, I think in my original post I cited us as a perfect couple in that fairy tale type of love, you know, the passion you only read about. Things were great, I mean, of course we had our little spats every now and then, nothing major, and mostly because being 2000 miles apart is stressful, so you kind of just want to argue sometimes if you have nothing to talk about. We never get irritated with each other, especially in person, we were as close as we could get. Only once this surfaced did things change. I think her heart is genuinly in the right place, but her mind is holding her back.




This is what I thought I was going to hear when I asked this..Maybe she didn't say anything because she was afraid to at the time but she still would have had other affects like lack of nor wanting to be touched. Those are classic signs of someone that has been raped. Personally I am sorry for approaching it the way I did but I am still believing there is more to it. You can just chose to ignore these thoughts but this is what I see to the whole thing.

I mean I can't imagine someone being raped and then ok for the next month of affection, attraction, self-esteem, ect on what just happened. You can take it the way you want to take it and you are trusting her word like a good BF would. I prey that nothing elsed happened to what I think but only the future will tell the trueth.

[Rich]

I'm confused. :confused: Is anyone else? :rolleyes:

Not to belabor the rape issue, but what happend again and where?

I thought this took place in like a dorm house in a back room or backyard? Something like that.

Now she was at some formal with a bunch of people and somehow went somewhere closeby to give a guy a . Only halfway during the she passed out?

So....she was just lying outside of a formal gathering somewhere, in a dress, passed out? Did she come around by herself and go home? Did someone find her? Did shre leave the party with the guy and go back to her room with him and pass out?

I'm sorry if it's just me, but I got lost there with the chain of events and locations.

So her cheating...or being forced upon, was only an incomplete ? That was it? Is that cheating?

And BTW...did I call that one on her not wanting to file a report and giving you all reasons why not? Now you unequivically know that it wasn't a rape or anything like that.

And what are the odds, that two sisters would be raped 3 times? What the hell kind of a home life are they living? Parents are rich and the girls had a good upbringing? With their daughters getting raped at 12 and 15????? I don't think so. I wouldn't call that a good upbringing. And no police reports being filed????? :confused:

Obviously their parents did not do a good enough job of giving their little girls self confidence, security in who they are and the ability to see right from wrong.

If your GF hung out with a bad element and couldn't see what was going on and let guys treat her like shit, then she lacks self confidence and a bit of common sense. That you can blame on the parents.

Being rich doesn't neccessarily mean a good upbringing. Raising a child to be intelligent, have common sense, know the difference between right and wrong and to have self confidence are the basics to a good upbringing.

Either the parents surpressed these girls and now they're rebelling or they gave them free reign and didn't give enough parental supervision.

How does a 12 year old girl get raped and they don't know about it? Unless it was a family member at a get together, which happens sometimes, they should know where their 12 year old is. I know where my 11 year old daughter is at ALL times because as a parent of a girl YOU WORRY ABOUT JUST THIS THING HAPPENING!!!

All that I can say Jon....is good luck. I know that no family is perfect and that we all have some levels of dysfunction, but somethings not right where young girls are getting raped with no police intervention.

Either the parents are fools and they taught their girls to be ashamed and to cover up the truth, or they didn't do a good job of raising their kids and the girls were ually promiscous at early ages and then made up stories about getting raped when they were caught having . At the very least the girls put themselves in bad situations that active, knowing parents wouldn't have let them be in.

It just sucks that you're in a relationship where you really can't trust your partners wherewithall. Hopefully she can grow out of it but it sounds like there are emotional issues from her childhood that might have to be professionally worked out.

Either way, I wish you good luck. Part of having an awesome relationship is to being able to trust your partner in EVERYTHING. Right now you can't. Hopefully you can get there. If you can't though, you're always going to have arguments and they'll all be based on trust issues like going out with friends, working late or going on business trips. How would you feel if your GF got a job that required a lot of travel with male co-workers? You know, going out of town and staying in hotels. Co-workers have dinner and drinks together after work when out of town together. Then they're staying in the same hotel with rooms often times right next to each other. Do you think that you could get to the point where you wouldn't have one iota of concern of her faithfulness to you if she were in that situation?

Just things to consider and think about.

Rich

[inquisitive]

I have one thing to add. Since you are now believing it wasn't rape but more of a changed her mind in the middle, but it's too late type of thing. Does she know this is what you think? In order for her to earn your trust she has to know that she needs to earn it. Other wise she could end up doing something completely innocent that looks like it's bad and you'll take it the wrong way but she won't know why. I think it's important that you talk to her, and tell her that you forgive her for what happened but that you need her to work with you on the relationship.

[JonHu33]

Sorry this has to be quick, gotta catch a plane. To Rich, her parents are good people, but somewhat distant, work aholics. And no one knew about the 12 year old rape, like I said, not even her parents she told. The event was at a party after the formal thingy, like an after party, at someones house, where she went out back, and passed out in the middle of it(I see why your confused, its completely how i feelt when she told me about this.)

Inq., yes i have told her, she was hurt, upset, sad, but she confirms she is determined to make me trust her again, so well see how things pan out. And she does have self-confidence issues, she always thinks poorly of herself, and I always bring her up, its a thing ive been working on over time, I dont think she needs like professional help, just somone like me to support her, because she never really had people encourage her.

Sorry this sounds so hasty, but I have to go, I will digest this a bit more and give a better reply when I land,sorry, must go.

Thanks

Jon

[Rich]

Jon-

Good luck and hopefully you can make it work.

Just keep in mind though that a relationship is like a building. That it needs a solid foundation to withstand all types of storms and stesses. That both of you need to be strong on your own.

What happens further on in life when you can't support your GF like you're going to do now? At some point, if you get married, your efforts will go into your career and raising your children. You're going to need a strong wife who can stand on her own and who can help you. You won't be able to support everything by yourself.

I would recommnend doing these self confidence courses with your GF. You can go places that will work on developing self confidence. Like walking a tight rope between trees and stuff like you see on TV.

It might be worth the investment. Just thought. Good luck.

Rich

[JonHu33]

Hey all, back again. Spent my weekend back home, with my girlfriend. Things went well, we didnt concentrate on the sad parts, we kept active, and acted just about as normal as we could with recent events.

We exchanged some gifts. In her gifts she included a silver ring and a note saying it was a promise ring to never hurt me again, which made me feel good. All around I give it an A.

Thanks

Jon

[eightball61]

Its good to see you had a good weekend but keep us posted.