Do I expect to much? Please Help

[bdtraders]

First let me thank you all for taking the time to read this and for giving me feedback. My story starts last April when I started dating my current girlfriend. At the time I was living with someone else as was she. I moved out into my own place in August because me and her were “so much in love”. She continued to let him live with her until 2 weeks before my lease was up. I moved in 2 weeks later and have lived there ever since. Here is my problem, when we were seeing each other she was very affectionate and caring, she would call me to see how my day was and to tell me she missed me. When we were together (if not everyday then every other day) she would love to touch me and would cuddle up next to me. THEN I MOVED IN!!!!!!! I moved in and it all changed, she still tells me she loves me when I say I love you to her. She seems very distant, and at times I question if she really loves me or not. She says that she can’t imagine life without me and that she fears that I will meet someone better then her and leave her. I tell her that won’t happen because I am very much in love with her. This is very true, I love her a lot and really want things to work out but she has stopped being as affectionate or loving as she once used to be. After I first moved in to her place I discovered that she was talking via email to a guy she used to work with that now lives in another state. He was telling her how much he loved her and she did tell him that she was seeing someone that made her very happy, but she was also telling him she wished they could have had something and if he ever came to town to call her. To this day his number is still on her cell phone contact list. When we were dating she talked about wishing so bad that we lived together cause she missed me so much, but now that we do, it seems like I am the last of her concerns. I know that I suffer from self esteem issues but sometimes it feels like she is a totally different person when she’s with friends and family and her kids. When me and her are not alone but with friends or family she treats me how I want to be treated, but when we are alone just us and the kids she treats me like my opinions don’t matter and she can take it or leave it (the relationship). Sometimes she bites my head off for any little reason. Her kids that live at home have told me its not me that she needs to chill out and that I am a nice guy, her sister and ex-husband have even said that they see that she seems much happier now that I am in her life. When we are apart at our jobs or where ever I am the one that 9 times out of 10 calls her to just say hello or I love you or miss you. I feel as though I am constantly craving her attention and her love now days. I do love her and her children very much, don’t get me wrong when its god it’s good but when it gets bad it horrible. Is this normal? Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me. I already left one time and I went back because she wanted us to work things out, she was so happy I came back but things slowly went back to normal. Here are my questions, and if you have any questions for me ask me I will answer them to make it clearer for you.

#1 Does she really love me?
#2 What can I do to make her treat me better and respect me more and realize that shes pushing me away?
#3 Has anyone else been in a similar relationship and survived, and how.


Thank you all.

[eightball61]

First off to make this clear you can't make someone do something.....Ok, now the problem that I see lies with her. I am willing to bet that her words are true on wanting to be with you but she is so mixed up because with this other guy contacting her is makes her feelings all messed up. She praises and feels insecure about you ever leaving and that maybe because she wants to have someone by herside at all times.

At the begining of the relationship you stated that you and her were living with other people and my question is did you have a GF and she had a BF at the time?

She seems very confused on whether about settling or not. It seems she is the type that needs to have someone by her side at all times and if she is not getting the affection some place then she goes to seek it in another place. Though you stated she is the one that is being distant so thats what I dont get :confused: You both will have to work on this together.

Does she know you know about the other guy?

[Rich]

IMO, each of us loves in our own way and maybe that's just the way that your GF loves you.

What you need to keep in mind and this goes for everyone who dates or who is engaged, that anticipation plays a big part in a relationship. That when we are not living fulltime with our partners, that we look forward to being with them and we anticipate our next get together. Anticipation adds excitement. Excitement gets our juices flowing and adds spice to our relationship.

What happens though, after people move in together or get married, is that the anticiaption goes away. You are now living together 7x24 and there is no anticipation of seeing the other because you're always together.

This is what people mean when they say that the excitement went out the window. This is why it's so important to replace that excitement and anticipation with something else if you can. Well, not if you can, but you must!

This is the biggest eye opener and hurdle that new couples needs to realize and to work through. When that special feeling of anticipation is gone, it can feel like a let down or that something is missing from the relationship. Couples say that all the time, that since we've gotten married or moved in together, that it's just not the same. Well, that's true and now you know why. The anticipation is gone!

A goal is to replace that excitement with a different kind of excitement and work to keep those butterfly feelings in the pit of your stomach, if you can. It's very hard to do and it takes a lot of work. A lot of couples can't do it and the relationship continues to slide down hill. People think that you get married and it's by FM that you just live happily ever after. That's so far from the truth but that's the fairy tale that we're all raised to believe. It's the biggest reason for divorce and it's why I do what I do.

You can view it like this. Say your BF or GF is this nice shiny hot rod car that you get to drive a few times a week (your dates). You get a sense of excitement from the anticipation of looking forward to driving that car. Well, what happens now after you buy that car, it's with you every day and you drive it everyday? The excitement sort of fades after a bit, doesn't it? You take it for granted. It's not as special anymore.

It's the same thing with relationships and then being together full time. And it's why dating will always be a lot more fun and exciting than getting married and living together with someone. This is why two people need to be connected together on so many deeper levels for a long relationship to work. You need to find excitement and reward on deeper feelings and not the less shallow ones. Most couples have a hard time doing that.

Now, getting back to your GF. IMO it seems like she treats you like an object somewhat. When you were apart, she craved you. Now that you're together, maybe she feels that she "has" you now and doesn't need to do the same things. Maybe you were that nice shiny car that was fun to drive, but now that she owns you, it's not the same thing. She'll take you out, polish you up, treat you nice and show you off to her friends, but then when you're back in the garage you're sort of a forgotten comodity.

IMO, what you need to do is to sit down with her and explain exactly what you explained here. Tell her your feelings on the way that she treats you. Both at home and when you're with family or friends. Ask her to honestly say why she does it differently at times.

The fact that she has some feelings for another guy and would want to be with that guy when he comes to town, is a bit disconcerting. I'd have issues with that myself, if the girl that I was going to marry kept another guys number. But if I'm just dating a girl without the talk of marriage, then I can't say squat about any numbers that she might or might not have. What level is your relationship at? Are you talking marriage?

Maybe she wants you around because it's better than being alone, but she is keeping her options open. Who knows, maybe it's like she has her stringer of 5 keeper fish that she likes, but will keep catching fish and will keep the bigger ones if she catches any. That's called culling. Is she culling you? You're good for now but if something better comes along?

Just sit down with your GF and express your feelings. It's your relationship to. You're entitled to your feelings and to be treated like you treat her. If you get to the point that you see that she can't or won't treat you the same way, then the choice is up to you to either stay in the relationship or end it.

She sounds like she might be a bit like the controlling
type as well. Is she? Some people might also feel that if they're bringing more to the relationship material or finance wise, that they have more of the say. Maybe she feels that her opinions matter more than yours and doesn't give you the same level of respect. Which is totally NOT, how a great relationship works. If that's true and how she feels, then you need to work with her and correct those thoughts, if you can. If you can't, then the choice is up to you.

Good luck,

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[bdtraders]

She is a bit controlling, and she tell sme that shes not talking ot him anymore since i told her about a month ago i found out what she was doing with that guy. As far as sitting down and talking to her i have done that also and she insists there is nothing wrong with her its just me being over sensitive, even though her kids even agree she needs an attitude check. I think shes bipolar cause she will be crabb ylike this morning then she will call be on the phone and be all loving. I dunno, everytime i get fed up and tire dof her BS shes starts being all nice again? what to do what to do. her kids know she treat sme differntly cause they mention it but they beg me to stay cause they love me.

[Rich]

If you notice mood swings, like she either lives in a zero or a ten world with no in-between, then maybe she needs to get with her doc and have something prescribed.

Pregnancy can change a woman's body and hormone levels. Might be worth investigating.

The kids probably see you as a calming influence in their somewhat stormy home life. Does mom yell at them a lot?

She's either all loving and calm, or raging right? No in between?

Who knows, maybe they want you around because you become the target instead of them. LOL

I say that tongue in cheeck.....but who knows.

Have her talk to her OB/GYN about her "moods".

Rich

[eightball61]

The important thing here is that you dont want to get her children envolved with both of yours issues. Now, she could be bi-polar but without her being DX about it from a doctor we'll never know. When she see you made she changes because she doesn't want to lose you. She uses the power of authority so she knows you'll stay. The problem is that its making things more difficult than better. I do hope shes not talking to that guy anymore but the only way for her to change this is if she makes the change. She has to see what she is doing. I mean she does but goes back to it. This is a personality disorder of some type but there will be a day that you'll just give up all together.

[bdtraders]

Ok so yesterday her and I were both off work and she was very very moody. I asked her why she was cranky and she said it was PMS. The day wenton and she treated melike crap all morning along with her daughter. She treated her son fine and gave the animals alot of loving. Her sister came over and her entire attitude changed. She started being very nice while her sister was there.Needless to say her sister left with the kids to give us alone time and that seemed to make it a little better. Then a few hours later it went back to me being ignored. I asked to talak to her and she got pissed off,so we started talking and i mentioned that i love her alot but sometimes she treats me very distant, she got all pissed off about that saying that she told me she was pmsing and to get over it. I said it just wasnt today its been for awhile. She said no it hasnt. Needless to say she walked away and didnt want to talk anymore. I went for a drive and talked to her sister and her sister asked if she was taking her medication (she does take medication for her moods) I said to the best of my knowledge she does. I told her sister i just didnt know what to do, that i cared for her very much and love the kids as if they were my own but i needed love in return. Her sister said that my girlfriend tells her often that she loves mem so much and how she is so lucky to have me in her life and that she has never meant such a loving man in her life. I asked her sister why she cant just say those things to me then. Her sister didnt know why either but reassured me that my girlfriend does love me but needs to knock her shit off, cause she sees that she treats me bad at times also. I went home after that and apologized for upsetting her earlier and told her i love her ( ok call me a wuss) and then wrote her a 1 page letter telling her why i love her. I gave the letter to her kissed her on the forhead and went and took a shower. After my shower i went to bed she took a shower came to bed and layed ther for 10 mins in silince before she said I love you and put her hand on my chest. This morning she went to work and I called to see how her day was and she said fine, I said i love you babe and she got irritated and said yes i know i love you to. I said ok well i will elt you get back to work and she said ok and hung up. I honestly dont know what to do. Her sister is blunt honest about everything and wouldnt lie to me tells me her sister does love me alot but cant understand why she treats me this way. I cant tell my girlfriend to go seek a doctors help cause she wont. I know that she loves me but i need more affection.Shes so scard im going to cheat on her or find her replacment but i dont want that all i want is her. But with the way she has been treating me sometimes i think maybei should leave and find someone who will treat me better. I dunno, I love her so much.

[Rich]

Do you know what medication that she is on? Can you find out? Do you know where she keeps it.

One option, if you know where she keeps the pills, is to go count them. Then check everday and see if that number is decreasing.

As the last resort simply tell her that you love her, but that she just doesn't get it. That you're at the end of your rope and are on the verge of leaving. That that's how serious this problem is between you.

If she still says that there's no problem, then break up with her. Maybe if she knows that you'll actually leave, it might change her tune.

You can't stay in a relationship that your heart is not happy in.

Follow up on the meds though. See what kind it is and do research as to when that kind is prescribed.

Also, ask her why she acts like crap to you and then when someonme else comes over....she acts totally different?

You might just have to leave though.

[eightball61]

Shes so scard im going to cheat on her or find her replacment but i dont want that all i want is her. .


Look my girlfriend was the same way and you could read my threads. To make a long story short though I just got sick of it and I had a talk with her. It was hurtful in many ways and we both cried over it but I had to be blunt about her iness. I told her that its ruining the relationship and I am just getting sick of it. I poured my heart to her like I never did. We did take a break but things seem to be heading in the ok direction.

The approach that I am going to give you may be the only option for her to realize this befores its too late. This may/will cause a fight but you need to just lay it all out. Dont milk it anymore.....

my GF was y around me but nice around friends. I pointed this all out to her and I told her I want us to work on something more positive or I am just gonna have to leave. She too is insecure and doesn't want me to leave and is afraid I may meet someone else but when I laid this out she got to see my point to it and didn't want to lose me. ME & her are taking it day by day but there are still little episodes but the fights have calmed down and there is more happiness.


I hope this makes sense...

[bdtraders]

Just to give a little more information cause i know people asked yes when we first started going out she was living with her current boyfriend and I was living with my current girlfirend. Needless to say our relationship started off on the wrong foot. We were both in bad relationships and that is how we cam together. I am 32 and she is 36. I have called her (notice i have to call her) several times today to see how her days going and she has seemed ok. I have talked with female friends of mine and they dont understand why she is being that way. They suggest for me to back off and focus onme and see if she changes, to stop being so loving towards here for a change. Eight i read your posts about you and your GF and it sounds really similar other then the ages and the fact that i have always shown her the same amount of affection. As we used to fight in the past i would get upset and storm out of the house and say im leaving but would always come back. The last time this happened i actually rented a uhaul moved but she begged me back and i really missed her. I came backand needless to say it was great for awhile. Now it seems to go back to the distance and anger. I have tried in the past to talk to her and have told her how i felt and her response was always "well what do you want to do, I love you and want you in my life but it seems like im not giving you what you want" and my reply was "but you once did". She will change for a bit and then boom back to how it is now. Heres the facts that i know ( or choose to believe)
I love her, she loves me, i doubt she is physically cheating on me during work hours cause everyone at her work knows me and they think we are a great couple so they would tell me if they suspected anything, she dosent have time when she gets home cause she has the kids. As far as still talking to the guy on the phone or emails, i havent seen any and all i have seen on her phone is his number in the contact list. She tells me she hasnt talked to him since last year when i confronted her about him. Ill check her pills tonigh rich and let ya know and so i can know. I love this woman very much and her children, and i know she loves me cause everyone tells me she speaks highly of me. (She used to trash her ex to everyone whe they lived together,so i feel lucky for that.) She used to never tell him she loved him or nothing but i can always get an I love you out of her if i say it no matter where she is, sure on occasion she wont say it back but thats expected i guess. Well I guess i have rambled on enough, i have bought her a card telling her i love her and want to work on things with her and want to it to be the way it was so we will see how that goes. I will see how it goes tonight when i get home and will go from there. I dunno should i start giving her a taste of her own medicine (which i dont want to do, cause i dont want to play games) or should i just be blunt and start WW3.

[bdtraders]

Rich

I read in another guys post a letter you wrote for him to give to his GF for being a jerk. You see i write my GF alot and she seems to be more responsive to that then when we confront each other face to face. Can you PLEASE give me advice or a good letter to write to my GF that will tell her how much i love her and want her and the kids in my life but if things dont change and i dont start feeling more loved i will have no choice but to leave. I dont want for it to come across mean or threatening i just want it to open her eyes.

thanks

[eightball61]

I dunno should i start giving her a taste of her own medicine (which i dont want to do, cause i dont want to play games) or should i just be blunt and start WW3.


The post that I mentioned before this one about being blunt so she can see the true side of whats going on helped for me. I am not saying it will work for you but it was my last choice before a breakup. She did open up her eyes and realize the pain that I was going through on this.

Sure my GF still has her ways and I dont expect a total change but she does catch herself now which shows me that she is making effort to this. It was a very hard thing for me to do but it was the right thing. It was very hurtful and she cried about it but realized where I was coming from and with her love she wanted to change rather than hurt me.

If you allow this then its telling her that its ok. I can't say for sure what will happen out of the whole thing or if it will work but you are coming to the last straw to say something. Its either you take an approach to make it known for this will continue to happen. You are in a relationship and its completely ok to express how you feel and whats the effects are on the relationship.

[inquisitive]

I agree with sitting down, being blunt and letting her know how her actions are hurting you. If you can't do it face to face, or don't want to write a letter but you have to be as blunt in the letter as you would in person, if not more so.

One thing I want to add. If my SO called me constantly at work to see how my day was I would get really annoyed. I don't know what type of work your gf does but it could be you're interrupting her work day and thats why she gets upset.

[Rich]

I think you just pretty much wrote it in your last posting.

It doesn't have to be an elaborate letter.

Just speak from your heart. Letter are good because people actually read them. Often times when we talk to people and they're hearing things that they don't like, that they start forming responses in their head and they don't listen to the whole message.

In the letter express your love for her and her children. Tell her that you also love yourself and that you want to be happy. Explain to her that her actions don't make you happy and that you don't feel loved.

Explain that you would very much love to continue being with her but that her actions are driving you out. That you can't live your life anymore with how she treats you. That you treat her with love, respect and warmth and that you expect the same feeling in return.

Just don't threaten or anything. Just be honest in your thoughts and feelings. The bottom line is that she doesn't respect your feelings and that if things don't change, even though you really don't want to, that you're going to leave her.

Tell her that you'll work with her on issues that bother her about you, but that you refuse to be treated any further like how she treats you.

Good luck

Rich

[bdtraders]

Last night on the way home from work i stopped and got her a christian greeting card. It had a verse in it that was very good. I wrote in the card tha ti lvoed her and hte kids very much and wanted our life to be like it was when there was love all around and no one felt unloved. I told her that i never mean to make her feel unloved and im sure she dosent either but at times we are both probably guilty of it. ( I like eight said we so that she wouldnt feel fully at fault) I gave her the card when i got home and she smiled a smile i hadent seen in a long time. She left the room and came back with two ring boxes one for her and me and said that she has just got them on the way home, the rings very engraved with the same verse that was on the car, (weird to say the least). The rest of the night was awesome, today so far has been awesome also, i will keep you posted.

As far as the medications she on Rich they are Effexor and Wellbutrin. Guess what both bottles are empty!!! I will wait a few days and some how remind her that she needs to get a refill.

I will keep everyone posted, thank you and please pray.

[eightball61]

I will keep everyone posted, thank you and please pray.


Please do let us know what more happens out of everything but if the mood changes again I express you try the steps we have suggested to you.

[bdtraders]

Thanks Eightball I will keep you posted, like you i will try to think positive not to make it worse but if her attitude changes my only other action is to have that hard talk with her. I leave it in gods hands and take it day by day

[bdtraders]

we so far shes been ok, she got a little irritable last night because i took a shower without her, you see we normally take showers together and i normally have to sit around waiting for her to come back from a smoke break before shes ready to get into the shower, well i have started to just do what i want to do when i want to do it, i dont call her at work (once just to show i care) and the last couple nights when she has went into a different bathroom to somke and read (for ventilation reasons) i have just started the shower and got in and out. She seemed awesome till i did that last night then she seemed a bit mad but i didnt askher what was wrong or anything just layed in bed after my shower and read my book. she got out and told me she loved me and one thing led to another. :) We both are at work today and i will call her about half way thru our day to see how she is, she mentioned this morning about maybe we can go out to dinner tonight so all seems good. I think the fact that maybe i backed off her some even though she said she likes it that i call her alot at work and tell her i love her alot seems to have made some differnce. but time will tell.

Still no refills on he Rxs though

[eightball61]

Thanks for that update :D I really don't have too much to add I think :p Anyway, I will say she is just like my GF and i can relate to the attitude. She gets irritable when things are not her way or when something (like the shower) is done normal. She has to except changes first off. changes are a big part to life and if you can't adjust to change then you have a hard time trying to make it or be happy.

I have a hard time with change but eventually except the fact and move on with it. I call my GF during my breaks and I let her go a minute early to go to the bathroom she gets mad. Its kinda like the same thing about the shower thing. It used to bother me but now I am just to the point that she has to get over it.
I do care for her a lot and willing to do anything for her but when I need something done I will do it.

The biggest problem I am having right now is communication with her some. Se will tell me story about her day and when I tell her about mine she will say things like "i don't care" or "i dont want to hear about it". Its like she doesn't want to hear me talk. I feel like she is with me because I am a warm body to her and the only person that cares about her. Can you relate?

Though latley I have been blunt to her and she sees my arguement about her reactions. She knows I am not trying to change her but trying to adjust and cope with her attitude. When these little things pop up with you then you need to call it as you see it like I am. This is the only way for her to realize whats going on.

[bdtraders]

I agree , i think our GF are both cut from the same mold. I just got off the phone with mine to see how her day was going and she seemed real happy, then she said whats your problem, i laughed and said nothing in great and she said whatever, i said well i will let you go and she said ok and hung up on me. I hung up and laughed, normally i would call back and say "whats the matter" but i just chukled and said whatever. I have looked at it this way, i bend over backwards for her and her family and friends know it, i will give what i want going forward and call her on things like you said as they arise, i figure next time she gets moody at home i will just say that she needs to go refill her prescription and walk off lke she walks off half the time. I made my nice guy phone call for today, its on her now or i will see her at home in 6 hours.

meanwhile check this out, my ex called me this morning just to say hello and asked how i was doing, she said she found a great new guy but often finds herself comapring him to me, she says he just a awesome guy but that at times she still misses the bond that we had. Weird? I told her i apologize for cheating on her and leaving her for the GF im with now, and she said she has no hard feelings and said who knows maybe we will be back together again someday, i laughed and said i will just concentrat on today and figure out tommorrow when i wake up in the morning. hmmm what a day its been so far.

[eightball61]

We are both in the same boats as you see right now. I will have to say that you should limit yourself on talking to your ex on who you cheated with and work on things with your current girlfriend. I don't know if she knows you spoke to her but if she does then it could make things on her attitude and insecurities that much worse. You need to elimate the potential fighting hazards but still work on things at the same time. I don't know if this makes any sense to you but does to me. :D

[bdtraders]

Yea i totally agree on talking with my ex. The weekend all in all was ok she seemed in a fair mood, at times she got moody but i ignored it and moved on. At one point she got all pissy and i hung up on her, she tried calling me back but i ignored my phone. She sent me a text message saying suit myself and when i got out of my mood to let her know. I called her back and explained to her that i wasnt in any sort of mood except for a loving mood for her, and that she needed to take a close look in the mirror when she says people are in moods. She paused and said she was sorry and that she was in a mood cause she was out of her medication. She got one of the the effexor or whatever filled yesterday but still hasnt got the wellbutrin filled. All in all it was a good weekend, I just need to learn to ignore her when she gets moody at times.

[eightball61]

I just need to learn to ignore her when she gets moody at times.


True but hard to do when you care so much and it bothers you a lot. Recently I have been just throwing it back in her face like today she said something about my break being shorter and I said I grabbed something to eat. She had a smart ass remark about it but I said when I am hungry I am going to eat. Basically I am at the edge where I have cared so much I beleive I have allowed her to control me and be there for her at al times and now I am taking a different approach and she will have to get used to it.

Its hard to ignore the moodiness as I pointed out and I feel its not going to get your far. You see its affecting you now and ignoring it will just put it on the back burner and eventually you just get sick of it all. She may be on meds for certain stuff but she has to continue if she wants to control this. Its not about you and not about her....its about the both of you.

[bdtraders]

I agree, she does like to be in control alot, i actually just got off the phone with her (she called) and she sounded all pissy. I know she has tol me before that when shes like that it has nothing to do with me cause if it did she wouldnt call me, so i just aksed how she was and he said fine and i left it at that. I am going to post a new topid right now that kinda deals with that. As far as throwing it back in her face i guess i am just scared (wussy if you like) that it will just start another fight when things have seemed to be going ok, I hate starting fights?

[eightball61]

There is nothing wrong with totally ignoring it but make it known every now and then. My GF was pissy at some times today and once I ignored it and another I pointed it out. She tried to make her side right but she gave up. She knows I will call he on it and also not put up a fight or I am out. I do care for her a lot but I am not going to continue fighting over stupid stuff all the time.

You need to do the and not allow her to gain back in control. You still need to make it known when needed. Just dont let all things slide. Its ok to ignore it off and go in the other but maybe do it in a way she knows its hurting you. Don't make a game out of it but when I sense she is getting mad I just shut up and tend to be quite for a while. She hates it when I shut down but knows the affects her attitude has because I do that she yells or blames me for nothing.

[bdtraders]

Yea i hate it when shes in a bad mood and she makes it seem like im the one with the mood, especially when shes at work on the phone and says whats your problem why you in a bad mood and i know theres people right there, it makes me feel like they must think i am the moody one.
She ha sit stuck in her mind that shes "gods gift" last night she walked out of the bedroom and turned around and i said " I love you" and she said " no you dont" so i resonded back unlike myself who would have normally said "yes i do" i instead said "yea your probably right" and she looked a tme and said" oh well your loss" and closed the door, she came back in 10 minutes later and said" i know you were joking" and i said "oh ok" she then cuddled up to me and we went to sleep. What i dont get is she can be a smartass to me all the time but when i do it she gets weird and at times mad. Needless to say she confuses the #$%# out of me.

[inquisitive]

From personal experience (me being the moody ) reacting to it like you did in your last post is a good idea. A letter is a great idea, and talking is too.

You can't put up with it because if you do she won't stop. Basically it'll be "working". I didn't respond well when my SO talked to me about it, but once we were done talking and I was alone I did a lot of thinking and realized he was right. Things didn't get better immediately but they did get better, and now they're amazing!

Good Luck

[eightball61]

Confusion does suck and thats why you need to get a grip and work things out for yourself. Include her in but do things for YOU.

[bdtraders]

I guess thats were alot of the problem is. I attempt to do things for myself or stand up for myself from time to time and she gets all pissy like what are you doing that for or why the mood change, so i slowly go back to being a wimp and constantly showing her all the attention and not getting love in return. When its great its great when its bad it frustrating to say the least. I often feel as though she loves me deeply and dosent want me to leave but also she wishs i wasnt there, if that makes sense. Sometimes she makes comments that seem off the wall like we are only friends, for instance yesterday when we were leaving walmart she looked over at me and said "Thanks for choosing to spend sometime with me Michael" sarcasticly like i never want to spend time with her. its stuff like that that that throws me into confusion. I responded back saying "Thanks for allowing me the oppurtunnity to be a part of your life". and she just looked at me and it all seemed to go back to a happy normal. She called me this morning and told me our dog scares her so i need to get rid of it because she dosent feel safe with it anymore and with it around the kids, i said fine ill take it to the shelter tommorrow when im off. I asked if she was ok and she said no, and i asked what can i do and she said nothing she was just shaken up cause the dog scared her. I said ok well if theres anything i can do let me know. She said she had to go cause she was leaving for work and hung up. I sent her a text message to please call me when she get to work because of the storm were having and she didnt respond. I called her a few minutes ago to get her schdule so i could work my schdule around hers so that we have people to watch her kids and she seemed all moody again. I am chosing to not call her back cause i dont want to bug her and annoy her more, but i have to tell her my schdule so she will know when she needs the sitter to watch the kids. I sent her a text to call me when she is free and i would give her my schedule. Its like im damned if i call her damned if i dont. I already know the next thing she is gonna complain about is that i am not taking any days off during the week this week to watch the kids, because i wanted to spend a full saturday and sunday with my son when hes over this weekend. But im sure she will be upset because she has to spend more money on childcare now because my love for my son. We shall see. I love her to death but it has to be her way or its wrong. Its funny she thinks shes the greatest thing to ever happen to me and makes reference to that ALOT, but in all honesty the woman I was with before her that I cheated on was much much better. Oh well ive rambled on long enough, had to get stuff off the chest

[eightball61]

I attempt to do things for myself or stand up for myself from time to time and she gets all pissy like what are you doing that for or why the mood change, so i slowly go back to being a wimp and constantly showing her all the attention and not getting love in return.


This is a big problem and I too was there and finally gave up and started to make a stand for myself. You need to set the tone. Don't be afraid to put your foot down. I am sure you are afraid to lose her but what do you think things will be like if you never put your foot down? I had t put my foot down and I was shaking for hours after that because I never really stood up for myself but it did feel good to do and the results were good.

[bdtraders]

yea im scared to put my foot down cause im scared that she will blow her lid and it will be over. Did your GF blow her lid when you did that and did she finally come to her senses? I am willing to do that but im just scared, weird cause i was never like that before until i fell in love with her. Also how long was your GF pissed about your sudden mood change until she started to change.
Thanks so much Eightball, you have already started making me see changes in myself the last few days, but your right i need to put my foot down and piss her off if thats what it takes. What did you do to put your foot down, i know you talked to her but did you just change period and she had to deal with it, did she think you were being moody like my GF does.

[eightball61]

When I put my foot down and poured it all out my girlfriend started to cry because she saw all the hurt that it was causing me. Other times though when I do point it out she gets furstrated and I think its because its not easy for her to change. You are not asking your GF to change. What you are asking for is respect....

Putting your foot down is not a mean thing. What you are trying to do is fix something rather than making the future outcome worse. All you want is a little more respect. She probably will get pissed at the fact but she will be fustrated because she doesn't know how to deal with everything coming to her. HEr mind will sort it out though if she wants to make the change. The process can be a waiting game.

[bdtraders]

sometimes i really dont know anymore. This morning she left for work at 6am and i lef tto take her son and friends to high school to work out. I got home and went back to bed. about 30 mintues later i could hear her other kids up yelling and screaming and playing. I wient to the living room and they had destroyed the morning news paper and were having paper fights. She called right about then and could here the frustration in my voice. I said what happened and she said the cats did it, i said ok but the cats might have done some of it but the cats cant make paper balls and throw them everywhere. She said their kids whats your problem, I said the same problem you have when you try to sleep in. She said fine tommorro wi will get up early pack the kids in the car and go away so you can get your damn beauty rest. i was speechless, she makes it sound like its all may fault and that i expect to much but when the shit happens to her she gets all bent out of shape.

[eightball61]

You have to remember though if you want a change then you will have to control your temper and try to be calm also. Its doesn't matter if it was the kids or cats....It was just a newspaper. For less than a dollar you can go to the local store and get another one...Now as for her making thing your fault this is crushing you and you see it. How much more can you allow it?

Have you seen the movie Anger Management?

You need to look into anger managment some if you can't express yourself. I will day after you do it once then you are home free. You still have to control the anger and dont let it over power youbut you need to just blow up at her. I can't believe I just suggested that but what else will work?

[bdtraders]

i wasnt mad at the thing just frustrated like anyone would have been. I didnt get angry until she started telling me that i was in the wrong. NOw she just called and said that everytime she calls home im in a bad mood i said no im not im always in a good mood, she said whatever fine 75% of the time. It like she make sme look like a bad person in front of her co workers. I told her thats not true at all i am always upbeat and happy ask anyone the kids anyone, she said well you are always moody, i said you know what forget you im done and hung up on her.

[eightball61]

Your getting moddy because of her. This is all building up into you. The same thing happened to me. The only way to let lose from this anger is to let it out. I felt bad when I did it but man it felt good. :D You are in a relationship and you need to express yourself. This is what she is doing and if you dont like how she is doing it then your suppose to say something so you both can compromise that out. If this is going to be an ongoing war then there only so much you can handle but get the practice of expressing yourself now.

[inquisitive]

It sounds like your GF has a bad way of expressing herself. When she said about letting you get your sleep for example. She is doing something nice, but saying it in a rude way.

It sounds like you may be putting a lot of blame on her as well though. For you to say that you are "always" in a good mood and upbeat whenever she calls can't be right. For example you just said she could hear the frustration in your voice when you answered, and then two minutes later you're telling her you're always in a good mood. Do you want to apear to always be in a good mood?

Take the newspaper thing and you trying to get some sleep, her saying: "fine tommorro wi will get up early pack the kids in the car and go away so you can get your damn beauty rest." was not the best way to say it but she was acknowleging what you need. You didn't tell us how she turned that around to be your fault.

[bdtraders]

no i will be the first to admitt im not always in a good mood, im human, but i guess its one of those you had ot be there to see how angry she was on the phone.
Anyway she called again right now and i said that i didnt feel i am always in a bad mood all the time as she staed or 75% of the time for that matter. She said yes you are and you have alo tof problems, i said well im suprised you want to be with me if i am so screwed up , and she said yea your right i gues si dont, i said what you want to break up up and she said yea get out, so guess ill be moving tonight after work. Why cant i find someone to love me?

[inquisitive]

Well I know how hard it is to express yourself in words/not in person. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but if she was making you feel bad then it was for the better. You need someone who is going to make you feel good about you.

[eightball61]

You need to stop having these talks over the phone. You need to exxpress this all in person rather than using the phone. Just wait till tonight and her kids are gone to bed then save a half-n-hour for you both to talk about this. Dont talk about the future talk about whats going on now and what you both wasnt to change. Don't always use the term "i" and "you". Try using the approach as "we" so you both can see that you both are working on it together.

[bdtraders]

yea i am goingt o try that andmaybe suggest some sort of counseling for us. I just dont understand why she was so eager to call it quits and wants me to move out. I spoke to her sister and she said that she has to knock it off and get some real help and that she sees that her sister needs help also. Needless to say i wont be calling to see how her days going today and im sure she wont contact me either. Shes not the type of person to easily call back and apologize about anything. Even her sister admitted that she wont, she will keep it in and ruin what she has then admitt she was wrong it what she did. This really sucks, i dont want to be at work right now, i want to just play the wussy role and go somewhere and cry. I want my life to be normal. I dont know what to do anymore, im seriously feelings like maybe i am a bad person and i am the one thats always wrong, even though everyone says its mostly her. I love her so much, but im really tired and at times i just want to give up, but i love her and the kids so much. And i know if i tell her exactly that her response will be "so give up, your choice" shes not the type to say "no please i love you to much to live without you". I dunno, cant i just dissapear.

[eightball61]

You both just need to have that talk tonight. Dont call her sister or anyone anymore. If she calls again say you like to speak tonight rather than over the phone. If this ends as just a seperation then just accept it rather than fighting and throwing things into her face. But keep you grownd and standup for what you beleive in....You can't continue to allow her to control you like this. You both have issues that needs to be resolve and its either do that together or not work on it at all.

[bdtraders]

thanks eightball, i feel torn right now cause i love her and the kids so much and i will have that talk with her tonight. I am so scared she wont want to work on anything and that she will say it was just a fight cause she started her period and to let it go. I guess it scares me because last night i wrote her a letter telling her something about my childhood that i had never told anyone before and she told me she was sorry that happened to me then today acts like she can care less about me. Im scared that maybe she dosent love me anymore even though im sure she does. I know i have my self esteem issues and my issues of being loved and have alot to work on about me, but im scared that this woman i love so much wont want to work on herself any to save us. As each minute goes by i just want to call her and tell her i love her with all my heart but i knowi cant do that. that would be wrong and i should stand my ground. Im so scared, i feel so alone , im so scared about whats gonna happen tonight. I wish she would call me and just say i love you and that she was sorry, but i know that wont happen. She would rather loose me then admit wrong.

[eightball61]

You may feel alone but you have to waver this situation. Would you rather be caught up for the next 20 years in a relationship like this that can get worse and will be to late to fix or would you rather find someone in those 20 years that you are compatible with?

You have to face it....You can't hide. I hid for a long time and didn't do me any good. I often think how much things may be different if I said something much earlier in my realtionship. You need to say something or you lose out all the way around. This is your time and your chance. I mean you have to realize if this talk doesn't work out then the relationship was not just meant to be. It happens...after so long in a relationship many people come across that things were not meant to be...its all up to you.

[bdtraders]

thank you. i wish i could just get past this feeling that i want to call her, all these thoughts run through my head that i know are stupid ( like she is done with me and making out with some guy at work now) i know its insecure and stupid but im so screwed up in the brain now because of all of this, i dont know if i will ever be sane again. i think i am slowly loosing my mind.

[eightball61]

You not losing it so grab a pice of paper and get your thoughts out.

[bdtraders]

You not losing it so grab a pice of paper and get your thoughts out.


ok im lost grab a piece of paper? maybe im such a wreck right now that i just dont get it right now, please forgive me for sounding stupid.

[eightball61]

Get your thoughts on paper to keep you mind on track.