To commit or not to commit?

[Shazla]

I met this Aussie guy overseas, lovely guy. He has all very good qualities you want in a man. Initially there wasn't a great attraction, we were friends which overtime ended up in a relationship. From the start I was unsure about our relationship because it lacked that spark, attraction, but overtime I grew to love him cause he is a beautiful person and I truly think we are great companions. The issue is every 6-8mths I feel trapped, I think maybe he's not the one, that I'm not deeply in love with this guy enough to commit. We have spoken about it and he is very supportive. He believes love is like a fire, its firey to start with but then it can burn out. He believes what we have will last.

If I'm having doubt sometimes, is this a sign to leave, or is this something we all go through every now and again. There's other things that may contribute to my problem, like we moved to a place where we have no friends, so we may spend to much time together, and I have had some employment problems in the last 6mths. I'm 29 now, so I'm thinking about married and kids, which we both want, but are we right for one another.

Am I just wishing for that romantic to die for love that may be so very rare. We don't talk much about marriage and kids, we don't tell each other I love you everyday. We do sometimes but not everyday. I love him, but we both know we aren't passionately in love with one another. Do you think you need to have this love with someone to commit?

[Rich]

Every great relationship needs passion. The trick is that over time passion fades and that a couple needs to work very hard to keep that passion alive.

On the other hand, if that passion was never there to begin with, then the relationship won't last.

You need, want and have to be ually attracted to your mate. A great deal of a relationship is what takes place in the bedroom and having that closeness and passion. If the bedroom is boring, then it will negatively affect the relationship.

If there's no strong physicall attraction to keep your eyes and thoughts soley on your mate, then there's a tendency to look elsewhere.

This guy sounds like a really good, quality type of guy. Unfortunately, you'd like a bit more. If you stay with him, then you'd be settling and ultimately you won't be happy in your heart.

Move on.

[Shazla]

Hi,

My partner has put on a bit of weight since we first met, and I do think it seems shallow, but maybe if he tried to take better care of himself I would feel more attracted to him. I watch what I eat, exercise and look after myself, I think its important and healthy to do so in a relationship, sometimes I think he doesn't care about his appearance and I think its selfish.

We have been exercising together lately and he is trying. I wouldn't say our life is boring, like any relationship we go through stages where we go weeks without to really good . Is this just though or a love connection? I have felt a love connection during once in my life, the rest of the time its just , doesn't mean it isn't good though.

I would never cheat on my man, I might look or flirt a little, but that's it. I think its healthy, makes you feel good and builds your confidents, as long as you know your limits.

I have a lot of thinking to do. I have spoken to my partner about this problem and we have decided to take a break for a couple of weeks so we can make some important decisions. I would like to stay with him, to me its way to hard to leave cause I do love him, but whether I'm in love is the question.

Thanks for your input, I will let you know how I go. :(

[Rich]

Ultimately it's all . When you're making love....it's a act. But there is a connection that you feel when you're in love with a person.

For me, I get more excited and aroused when I feel "that loving" connection with my wife. When we're moving as one, taking it slow, kissing, looking in each others eyes. That's what's more exciting to me, than just . To me, is . Of course I'm in my 40's and that wasn't my view when I was younger.

Experience, time and maturity change people. And it's not shallow to see that your partner got fatter and it turned you off a bit.

It's the same as when a woman has long beautiful hair and it exentuates her look and hotness. Then she gets married and after a bit cuts it really short. What the heck is up with that??? That's not the look that her husband bought into?

Now, people will say that you love the person for who they are and not what they look like, but I say in reality people buy into the whole picture and when part of that picture changes for the worse, then it DOES negatively affect the relationship.

Relationships aren't just one thing, they consist of many things (my 33 ingredients for success that I write about) and when you start having more negatives then positives, then the relationship heads down hill towards ending.

[Shazla]

Thanks for your wise words Rich, its great to have your opinion. Ha ha, that's true about women cutting their hair, I have thought about cutting my hair a few times but I don't have the guts to do it. I think women just get bored with the same look and want to try something different and wild.

I think I'm becoming more distant from my partner now, and I feel like I really want to just get away from him. I almost feel like I want to dislike him and get angry to make the whole process easier, but I know that's not fare on him.

I just resigned recently, my job didn't work out. Which is why I decided to move home when I finish work so I can give myself sometime to think about my relationship. So I'm going to try and not think about my situation and enjoy my last week with my partner before I head home. I think a few weeks away, speaking to family and friends will help me decide what I really want.

I just hope I stay strong enough through all this to make the right decisions. Thanks for your help again, very much appreciated.

[Rich]

I often use the analogies of owning houses and cars to equate being in relationships and one analogy is that you need to constantly do preventative maintenance to keep them all in good, seviceable and long lasting shape.

Another analogy is that if you own a house and you out grow it, you buy another, bigger house. You have fond memories of that old house and all the things that went on it, but you know in your heart that moving on to a bigger house was the right thing to do. That it had to be done.

It's the same here. You've outgrown this relationship and it's not because you "hate" this guy, it's just that you're ready for bigger and better things. This relationship served a purpose in your life and you'll often look back upon it, but it's time to move on. It has to be done.

No hard feelings, just a life progression.

[Jamaicangirl]

I often use the analogies of owning houses and cars to equate being in relationships and one analogy is that you need to constantly do preventative maintenance to keep them all in good, seviceable and long lasting shape.

Another analogy is that if you own a house and you out grow it, you buy another, bigger house. You have fond memories of that old house and all the things that went on it, but you know in your heart that moving on to a bigger house was the right thing to do. That it had to be done.

It's the same here. You've outgrown this relationship and it's not because you "hate" this guy, it's just that you're ready for bigger and better things. This relationship served a purpose in your life and you'll often look back upon it, but it's time to move on. It has to be done.

No hard feelings, just a life progression.Relationships should be cherished, hence I think its very wrong to compare a house/car and relationships...sad!:(

[Rich]

Lots of people cherish their house and cars as well. But that's besides the point.

I think that you missed the point that I was trying to make.