I need some advise please! I am moving out :(

[corolla]

Hi
I am in a difficult situation with my still boyfriend and although we have decided to end the relationship, I would like some advise on how to handle things.

I have been with him for 2 years [2 great good years]. 1 year living with him, beginning as a “temporary” agreement [I did not have a job]. After 3 months I got a job, and he suggested I stayed here. I was happy to stay and began wondering if this was “the real thing” because I felt really happy with him. He said he was also very happy with me, and living together. I always felt he was afraid of commitment because always mentioned that he was happy that we took the relationships step by step. So I never brought out the subject, until last summer when I told him I wanted that we began to think about the future. He said he was not sure, that he was very happy “today” but couldn’t commit to more. At the same time he said he wanted us to continue and see what happened. I decided not to insist but we agreed he would think about it.

Then last month after a 2 week holiday on his own, he said he had though about the relationship and that he though maybe it was better to split up.:( He said that he was simply not sure he wanted this to be a long term commitment, and therefore thought it was best to end the relationship now. He said he loved me but that he was not sure he was “in love” and that he wanted to be in love. I was very sad and cried a lot and he was very supportive. At the same time he suggested we continue as a coupple at least until the beginning of next year. He has continue saying that he loves me, but that maybe not in the way he thinks he has to love a woman to be committed [at the same time he says that he is not 100% sure about the de3cision, but that things it’s the best thing to do]. Some days after he began to talk about going together on holidays next year, which made me feel a little confused. He also has continued to talk as if we were going to be together next year, but when I asked him if he has changed his mind, he has said no, that he thinks the best think is to finish the relationship.

I have to say that all the time this has been a very warm, supportive, and loving relationship, I have always trust him and have been very in love. On the part, we like each other and are very attracted to each other, kiss, hug and make love a lot, but our relationship has always been more loving than .

Anyway, this decision has hurt me a lot [I really cannot understand why he doesn’t love me] and cannot describe how upset I have been and how unbeliable I found that he doesn’t want to be with me. I feel very happy with him, and honestly think this relationship has been very positive for both. Anyway, I have been trying to be strong and make up my mind to move out at the beginning of next year.

Then yesterday I did something I had never done before. I went through his mobile phone. I wanted to know if he had text to his frinds about it. But to my greatest surprise, I found something else: 3 messages to a girl… [I am 38, he is 33 and the girl is 20!!!], they were flirting. In one message he told her “ I was thinking about you” while I was doing this [job thing]… and “not only there” [ etc.]. then he suggest they meet for drink next week to catch up, and she agreed. One message was from about a month ago and 2 just from last week.

I felt shattered, but I dindt tell him anything. I didn know what to do. I didn’t want a confrontation, and I didn’t want to recognize I had gone through his mobile. So I just ask him if there was someone else. He said no.

After that I decided I am moving out as soon as I can [between 2 and 4 weeks].
:(
But before, I want your advise. On how to handle everything. Specially the thing with the messages I saw. Until now we still behave as a couple in every sense [friends, kisses, love, , etc.], so I feel he is cheating! And that makes me very angry.

A part of me wants to tell him and confront him, but I am afraid he feels I betrayed him [although that’s what I think he did] by looking through his stuff.

Then, until I found the messages I had though that it was a good idea to move out and have time to think about stuff and maybe continue to be incontact. Now I simply don’t know what to do.

Thank you very much in advance!
Corolla

[chillwill]

to be honest it sounds harsh but he's getting rid of you for her. he ran into a younger women and he cant think straight. the positive of this is that he did try to break it off. even though it hurts he could have been like a lot of other men and just kept seeing you both. he didnt want to hurt you further by saying he met someone new.

[draconis]

You have closure. You know he is moving on and so should you. He might have been great while you were together but that is not the case now. Leave with the happy memories yo have and don't look back.

draconis

[corolla]

Leave with the happy memories yo have and don't look back.

draconis

Thank you for your comments. This bit that I quote reminds me of what I wrote on my diary a week before I saw the text messages to this girl... "move on, never look back, no regrets". I loved him and trusted him as I had never had before; I did everything I thought was good for us, but obviously it didn't work.

Now I am sad, but know I need and want to move on.

thanks :)

[eightball61]

As you've been experiencing, you'll go through multiple stages. i.e. depressed, shocked, happy, angry. All these are natural and apart of trying to move on. You both had many great memories together and won't be easy to forget about those 2 great years. Those times of your life will always be charished in your heart and memories. As time pass's though then so won't these feelings and before you know it you'll be over being depress, shocked, and angry. Keep your head up and we're here for you :)

[Rich]

Please don't feel that you "betrayed" him by looking at his cell phone. He betrayed your relationship.

At this point your relationship has simply run its course and is over. Like mentioned in the other posts, he has found someone else to take your place and is moving on. Please also do not have anymore with this guy as you never know what you might catch from him now. Don't let him give you an STD as a going away present.

I'm guessing that he met up with this girl on that vacation that he went on.

I also have two schools of thought on living together prior to marriage and that is this. If you just decide to live together as part of the relationship, then chances are that it will be harder for the guy to commit to marriage beause why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free.

I do believe in living together if two people have gotten engaged to each other. Living together puts two people together 7 x 24 and you get to see "every" side of the person that you're planning to marry. It's an eye opening experience and reality check.

You have learned a valuable lesson here and that is that when you're living with someone, that the relationship attains its own level, just like water.

Typically when you're dating there's the anticipation and excitement of getting together and being with the person that you're somewhat seperated from. When you live with someone 7 x 24 then there isn't that seperation and anticipation anymore. You have to do other things to keep the relationship exciting.

That's the lesson you're learning here. When in your next LTR, don't let complacency creep in. It's a very hard thing to do and it's why alot of people cheat. People want excitement sometimes and if they don't get it at home, then they look elsewhere. Always make an effort to keep the relationship exciting.

You mentioned it in your post that you more made love, then had . In a good marriage or relationship, you need to have both.

In this case, bite your tongue until you find a place of your own and are moving out, then say to him as you're leaving that you found the text to the other woman and that you're hurt and disappointed in him.

Leave him with that thought. It'll make him fee llike crap and it will also let him know to not bother come knocking on your door when the relationship with the other girl ends, which it will. His relationship with this 20 year old won't last, so take solace in knowing that.

Just say to yourself that you're a good woman and partner and that if he doesn't want you and appreciate you, that you'll go find a man that will. Also be thankful that all of this happend now instead of when you might have been married and had kids. That should give you some relief. Be thankful.

Move out and go find a man that feels for you, like you feel for him. Go find that spark.