msn - and another girl

[starrynites]

Okay, I did something horrible. I was on my boyfriend's computer and I snooped around in his msn history. (I have vowed to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!) That aside, there is the problem:

I am my boyfriend's most serious partner. He has had a few before me but they lasted less than 5months. He remains close to all his ex-es maybe because their relationships were only semi-serious. There is this one particular girl that really bothers me. She is like his ex/friend. They were friends to start, they dated for less than a month, it didn't work out so they remained friends. But from their history on msn, I found out that he msgs her ALMOST everyday! It's more like HE msgs HER and sometimes she msgs him. I just don't understand. They talk about very shallow things like "i did good on my exams" blah blah. But I came across some msgs that bugs me. I found that he downplays me and him in front of her. For example, for valentines day she asked if he was coming back to town to see me and he said "might as well" even tho to me, he insisted on coming back to see me. And also, he may use the same comments to her that he uses on me. I originally thought they were cute to me, but he kinda uses them on her too. Maybe he has always talked like that... I don't know... :confused:

This girl, we have fought about a few times before so maybe that was why I snooped. I have this deep feeling that he was really into her and she was never really interested and thats why he still wants to talk to her.

So I beated around the bush, trying to talk to him about it without mentioning that I snooped. And he insists that theyre just friends and watever happened was the past. I asked if he stills cares for her differently and he said 'only like friends'. Overall, he tells me to trust him, theyre only friends, and it's in the past. I think he's so drained about that topic. I can't talk about it anymore. This is all me now. I gotta learn to trust! He's upset at me becuase we've been dating for 2yrs and she shud be history to us.



I know this may sound jumbled but here are the overall questions I hope to recieve advice from:

Is it normal for him and her to talk almost everyday? They haven't seen each other for months, they msn more than they chill together in general.

I feel that he has more to say to her than me. but he says he talks to me the most daily so thats why we can't always have something to say. Is he right?

Everytime he's on msn, I feel like he's talkin to her which makes me feel like crap. I feel like whenever I'm sleeping, he stays up and talks to her. (I'm an early sleeper) I can't tell him why... what shud i do?

How do I just let my guard down.. and just trust him?

[smackie9]

What I find most disturbing is how he down plays you to her. 2 years is a long time, and he should be moving on to a future with you. I find it quite childish that he's even still talking to her. He needs to grow up. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. Yes there should be trust in your relationship, but he is keeping this stuff from you. He isn't respecting you here. You are a couple now and there should be no secrets. I let my man look at anything he want, even my purse if he dares to go! LOL. :rolleyes: You can't hide this from him. Time to let it all out. If he gets mad, so god damn what. You have to stick up for yourself. No man is worth this much pain. You deserve happiness and a loving, trusting relationship. His behaviour is going against that. You don't want this relationship built on distrust do you?

[eightball61]

What I see going on is called somewhat of an emotional affair. He found someone close to to talk to and share things we can't with you. He needs to understand in order to make the relationship better communication is the huge key player here. He needs to communicate with you more often. Its hard now because he has adjusted into talking with this women.

Its been 2 years and "yes" he does need to move on but if she is a friend and there was no visible signs of internet nor having a cheating relationship outside the home I feel you have nothing to worry about just yet. He needs to calm the communication some just incase it does lead to that. You may have turn the tables on him and see what he thinks if you did that.

Snopping is wrong but now you know what you know you see to find a way to get him talking more with you about problems. Dont mention what you saw but stay away from it for now on. Tell him you want to communicate more and be able to get things out. By him a journal to write in and you do the same. Once a week you both can share it and see what you think and that can build up communication.

[bdtraders]

I agree with eightball 100%. Even if your SO is talkng to someone online then theres an emotional connection. My GF did the same thing to me awhile back via email and i found out, i then thoughtback to the weeks the emails were occuring and noticed how withdrawn she had been emotionally to me. I confronted her with it a few months ago and she came clean that it was wrong and that she was very sorry. My problem is that she still has his number on her contact list in her cell phone. I dont know if she uses it or not but I warned her once about the emails and if she burns me again then i will walk away with no turning back.

[starrynites]

I was thinking of that too. (the emotional affair) but theyve been talking before he has met me, and now they just continue talking. Is that okay? :confused:

[eightball61]

As I said its an ok thing but there is a line to what the talks are about. Follow my steps in talking to him and thats maybe the best you can do without mentioning you saw those texts.

[shelby644644]

Snopping is wrong...

Eightball - you told me my snooping wasn't wrong. I was doing something sneaky because he was!

StarryNites: Go to married/is cyber cheating/ and read my posts from page 8 onwards. I'm going through a similar thing.

A woman's instincts are her strongest defence and mine have rarely been wrong. I snooped because I was suspicious. Do not feel guilty about this - it's how we protect ourselves and if we were more honest about it you'd find that a hell of a lot of people do it. It's a shame that we have to but there you go... You either live in the light or remain in the dark...

[AlexCrystal]

DAMN...is it just me or does it seem we have all had this exact same problem????????? This internet "cheating" so to speak.
I think it's wrong...(you can read my situation on past threads..close the same thing)...anywho.....if it bothers you then he shouldn't talk to her...I don't care if they are just "friends"...I strongly believe that NO MAN JUST WANTS A GIRL AS A FRIEND....if he wants a friend...go call his male buddies....A GUY IS ALWAYS THINKING SOMETHING MORE THAN THE FRIEND CRAP.

[Rich]

Guys can be friends with girls but the ual tension thing needs to be played out first though.

If you're friends with someone of the opposite and then become intimate with them, you then get to see another side of that person. If you decide after becoming intimate that this person isn't who you can see yourself marrying and you break it off with them, you can still be friends if you both desire to remain so. It's called maturity.

The thought process should be...."hey, we gave the closeness thing a shot and we both realize that we can't see marrying each other, but we like each other as friends and would like to keep that".

There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with having a friend that can offer the same point of view as your SO, but without having the emotional glasses on. Things look and feel different from both inside and outside of a relationship and getting that view point is helpful sometimes.

[AlexCrystal]

The problem is...more times that not...at least ONE of them still feels something for the other. They might not come right out and say it...but it's there. I think it's rare for BOTH to at first be attracted to each other, have ..then decide to remain friends. How many countless stories have we all heard about "my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex"...or vice versa.

[SALly]

But definitely every situation is different. I have a male friend. He is only a friend. My hubby doesn't care and doesn't think I would ever do anything ual with him. And he doesn't care if he is out with me and other friends. There is just nothing there, other than we are friends. We email each other too. So I disagree with the statements that something will eventually ually happen.
With all your problems and questions, you have to go by what you feel in your heart. One guy might be having a relationship with someone else and lying about it, one might seriously just be friends. You've got to figure that out and do what you feel!
What about all of us always talking on this forum. Does that mean we are going to meet up and have ?? I know that is extreme, but I don't think having opposite friends is always a bad thing.

[AlexCrystal]

I think my comments would only fit in if the DID have together...but the mere fact they "date" shows there was physical attraction.
The difference between Sally's friend..is that is what he has ALWAYS been (a FRIEND)...at least that's what I get from reading it (never dated).
I would be cautious...bottom line.

[SALly]

DAMN...is it just me or does it seem we have all had this exact same problem????????? This internet "cheating" so to speak.
I think it's wrong...(you can read my situation on past threads..close the same thing)...anywho.....if it bothers you then he shouldn't talk to her...I don't care if they are just "friends"...I strongly believe that NO MAN JUST WANTS A GIRL AS A FRIEND....if he wants a friend...go call his male buddies....A GUY IS ALWAYS THINKING SOMETHING MORE THAN THE FRIEND CRAP.
I just don't approve of the "no man just wants a girl as a friend" statement. There are a lot of "nice" people still out there. Not everone is a monster!

[AlexCrystal]

We all have different opinions here....and that's okay. But I still think she should proceed with caution here.

[inquisitive]

My SO and his friends, all say the same thing. That they never truly are "Just friends" they're always thinking of in the background, and it always starts that way. In my opinion a man or woman that is in an exclusive relationship has no reason to meet a member of the opposite to become "just friends" with. HOw does that start anyways?

[eightball61]

What I believe in is having the friends before the relationship. I get very cautioned when a partner seeks a friend of the opposite after dating someone else for a while. It could be just a friend thing but why all of a sudden do they want to hang so much?

[inquisitive]

What I beleive in is having the friends before the relationship. I get very cautioned when a partner seeks a friend of the opposite after dating someone else for a while. It could be just a friend thing but why all of a sudden do they want to hang so much?

My thoughts exactly! As long as the "friend" isn't an ex lol.

[Rich]

Your partner should be your best friend and if they aren't, then you have problems.

[eightball61]

Your partner should be your best friend and if they aren't, then you have problems.


very true.......

[AlexCrystal]

Amen Brother Rich And Eightball :)

[Rich]

Best friends with intimacy. Isn't that an awesome feeling and relationship to be in? :D

[SALly]

BEST friend, yes that should be you SO, but what about just friends....
So when in a relationship you should not have any friends of the opposite ??? Is that what you guys are saying?

[inquisitive]

Close friends? No. Acquaintances yes.

[AlexCrystal]

Friends you had BEFORE the relationship...ok....making a point to go make an opposite friend DURING the relationship...I think is a no no.

[eightball61]

Close friends? No. Acquaintances yes.


agree ;)

[Rich]

Like stated. Before the relationship, no problem. Making one after in a relationship? One would have to wonder why.

[SALly]

OK sounds fair enough.