how can i get my mind out of the gutter or is there for a reason?

[dclarolh]

I am so confused. Me and my man have been fighting. I have been asking him all these questions lately. Why does suck? Why do we barely have it? Why don't u seem into kissing as much as you say you are? Why don't you do a damn romantic thing?

Then he turns around and says he is so tired of all the questions. In my mind I think I am just trying to figure things out so I can fix these issues. I am trying to communicate, but he takes these things as if I am beating him down. Then he gets mad ans starts arguing. Not only that when I ask him these question I get a different answer everytime. So I work with that answer, get to the point where the question should be solved and it is not even a true answer.

It is so confusing.

Then he turns it all around on me, saying all I care of is and cries, which is the last thing I ever want to see him do. I do everything for him. Seems he doesn't put too much effort into anything and it's always blamed on me. It is really destroying me. I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of jumping off a dam cliff. Even though I won't. But in the midst of arguments I feel that way.

If im wrong, then I am lost. If I am right, how the hell do I get the correct input to my questions. How do I get the right answers?

[Rich]

Questions, when put the wrong way, can come across as accusatory. When someone feels accused, they get defensive and argumentative.

There are many reasons why both men and women have a decline in ual wants. Actually they're too numerous to mention here on both sides.

You sort of both need to go back to ground zero and start over again.

Communication is key and for whatever reasons the communication road in your relationship took a wrong turn. You need to both get it back on track.

You need to ask your partner for some dedicated time so that you may both speak honestly about your relationship. No TV's on and no needing to run off to someplace.

Explain to your partner that you feel that you're relationship is slipping away from you both and that you don't want that to happen. Explain that you would like to have an open and honest dialog about what feelings that you're both not expressing that's causing the friction in your life.

The hard part is that you BOTH need to be able to speak open and honestly about each other and the relationship without a fear of a big fight or reprisals (getting back at them).

Take it from the point of view that your relationship is coming to an end if nothing is done. Which, quite honestly is where you're both heading. True that you might stick it out a bit longer, but with all the hard feelings and nothing changing, then your relationship will end because either one or both of you will get sick of it and walk away.

So if you take the approach that your relationship is ending and you have nothing to lose by being honest with each other, then maybe you can fix things. That is of course that you BOTH want to fix things. Maybe he wants out. Maybe he's bored. Could be all types of feelings lie beneath the surface.

Speak, talk and most importantly...LISTEN. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason and that's so we'll listen more then we speak.

Listen intently, listen openly and listen to the whole thought. Do not interrupt each other to argue a thought without letting the other finish the sentence.

Effective communication stems from effective listening.

Blow it up, lie both your cards on the table and see if what you have is worth building again. Only make a promise to each other to do it right the second time around.

There is NO rule that says that a couple can't start over again to do it right a second time. The hard part is letting go and not bringing up the past.

Here's another one of my car / relationship analogies. You can't effectively drive a car if you're constantly looking in the rearview mirror because you're probably going to crash into something in front of you. The same goes for your relationship. If you're constantly focused upon and bringing up issues from the past, then your relationship is probably going to crash because you have no vision for your future.

You both need to let go of your egos and do a do over. Just ask each other what you both didn't like, would like to change and how you would like it to be, then just make a commitment to each other to do that.

[dclarolh]

thanks, check your PMs.

[Rich]

I Replied to your pm

[eightball61]

Rich has given you great advice here.

The other thing that I see here is that your man does not communicate which is a huge problem and to why you both fight a lot. This is not the first thread that you have made about the arguments. Please understand that I'm not throwing this in your face however there is something deeper to look at here.

We see the arguments are leading on because of two probable things....

1. He doesn't communicate well.
2. He doesn't accept fault well.

I'm not saying that all fights here are his fault but your recent approaches of being blunt just isn't sinking into his head well. You may need to take another approach in getting your words or feelings out. If its a subject about then instead of making it a chore and asking him to do certain things you should take control. Example....If he's sitting watching TV then dress into something y and approach him,get on him, nibble on him, kiss him where he likes to be kissed, ect. After time though does go down and never is like it used to be however a couple can still be creative when time comes to enjoy it rather than make it into a chore.

Another issue for the arguments could be stress. From your last thread you both have been fighting because of not being able to afford the new house after making the move. From what I recall he wants to go back, right?

He may be under a lot of stress and you really don't see it. Guys are known for dealing with issues within. This can cause actions that I have seen you describe in all your threads about him. The stress of this could put a major dent in your relationship if its not taking care of the right way. It's hard to determine a right way for you because as a couple you both need to talk things out and come to some kind of agreement. The agreement may not always be in your favor nor his but that's how you both learn to work with each other rather than against.

In a brief summary, what I'm trying to say here is that you need to find a new way to get your feelings out so that he'll talk. Heck he may be the type that won't ever talk and if so things won't last. The old ways of bickering and being blunt just doesn't do it for him. Try a new approach of not being as blunt. Let him see a new and happy side of you. Let him get adjusted to that side and as time goes then try to talk. You may find that he is more open.

I hope all goes well :)

Please keep in touch with us. :)

[ChristinaMH]

I personally am a very defensive person, and it affects a lot of relationships I have with people. Your guy could also be very defensive, and when people like us are asked questions we don't like or don't like to talk about, we usually come back with a retaliation instead of an answer, or an answer that gives the quick way out and tells you what you want to hear.

Try to be nice and open with how you feel without giving him the impression that you're attacking him or it won't get anywhere besides to another argument. NO SARCASM.

Tell him nicely that he should try to put down his guard a little, and that you just want to talk to try to solve things out. :]

[dclarolh]

tried that