My affair w/ a married woman...

[Sarcasm666]

Not too sure why I'm writing this but I need to get this off my chest.

In the beginning of the summer I had started a friendship w/ a married woman who has a son (toddler)

Very quickly our friendship turned physical. And we were seeing each other every day. (her husband was away on business the entire summer)

After we started getting physical, she would tell me that she was scared that she was falling for me. I should mention that it wasnt only about , for the most part we did normal things. Run errands, help her w/ her son... Whenever I was around her son, I would make him laugh and smile... she said more than his real father ever did. Basically besides her, I made him laugh more than anyone else.

We loved each other, or so I thought, (she told me she loved me and vice versa)... When her husband found out, I thought I could just forget about her etc... but a few months later, I showed up at her job to get 'closure' and I asked if all the things she told me over the summer (I love you) if she meant it.. she said, "I said alot of things"....

After that I was devastated and went to a website (Craigslist, Missed Connections) to post about all the things we did over the summer (going to the zoo, beach etc..) but NEVER mentioned her name- just the activities. A few weeks later she IM'ed me asking if that was me posting those things (she went onto the website) and also asked me to stop. Apparently she read them all and her husband found them in the 'history' folder.

My question is, if she never loved me and 'said alot of things' why go looking for my postings and open them all?

Is it possible she really does feel that way about me but has to cut me out of her life by lying to me? Or just used me this summer??

**I know having relations w/ a married woman is wrong etc... but you can't help who you fall in love with.

[eightball61]

After that I was devastated and went to a website (Craigslist, Missed Connections) to post about all the things we did over the summer (going to the zoo, beach etc..) but NEVER mentioned her name- just the activities. A few weeks later she IM'ed me asking if that was me posting those things (she went onto the website) and also asked me to stop.




Love can make people do some pretty crazy things. You going to these sites to post about the activities you've both done together is just another way of you dealing with your inner pain.

She may have loved you at the time of the affair however reality came to her and now her true love went back to the man she married. You can love anyone or anything in this world bit as you see your feelings to her they differ to the person that you're "in love" with. The point here is that she may have loved you and the affair but overall she is "in love" with her husband. If this was not true then they wouldn't be try to work this marriage out.

If you cared about her this deeply then it would be best to follow her request and stop. You should respect her and her choices at this point. It sucks not having the proper closer and you may never get it.

You asked why did she look in all those posts....Well I know if I was her I need to view them all first to make sure that my findings were true and she probably did the same. I doubt she looked at all for a reminder of what happened because I'm sure she didn't forget.

It may feel or may not feel a little something for you however what you both had is done. She now made the choice to stay with her husband and make things work. She is now asking you to back off and stop and this is what you need to do.

[Rich]

Could be two things.

She used you for comfort while her husband was gone and we all say crap while being intimate that we don't neccessarily mean.

Two, she doesn't want to lose the financial security that her husband offers her.

Rest assured though, that once she cheated, that she'll probably do it again. Her marriage won't last because it's not true.

[Diablo]

Maybe not Rich. Some couples don't consider cheating as grounds for divorce because they both do it and don't get uptight about it. To the poster, I believe the woman was having a summer fling. You may not be able to control who you fall in love with, but anyone who can't slough off someone they're attracted to when they should is headed for real trouble. Did you expect it to work out just because you love her? You need to wake and smell the coffee dude. Married women having flings will tell the guy everything he wants to hear, just as guys playing women will tell them anything to get them in the sack. I believe that players do go too far, but that doesn't change the fact that you knew she was married and should have had a better understanding of what to expect. You can't plan on a future with a married woman. They almost never divorce their husbands and marry the guy they're having an affair with.

[Sarcasm666]

Maybe not Rich. Some couples don't consider cheating as grounds for divorce because they both do it and don't get uptight about it. To the poster, I believe the woman was having a summer fling. You may not be able to control who you fall in love with, but anyone who can't slough off someone they're attracted to when they should is headed for real trouble. Did you expect it to work out just because you love her? You need to wake and smell the coffee dude. Married women having flings will tell the guy everything he wants to hear, just as guys playing women will tell them anything to get them in the sack. I believe that players do go too far, but that doesn't change the fact that you knew she was married and should have had a better understanding of what to expect. You can't plan on a future with a married woman. They almost never divorce their husbands and marry the guy they're having an affair with.

Honestly, I didn't expect it to work, I knew what it was and was FINE AND OK with it... since I'm being HONEST, she was my 1st time, and I figured I'd get some experience w/o becoming attached. She didn't have to tell me that she loved me to have the physical relationship, she just said it out of the clear blue sky. And the last day before her husband came home from his business trip, we were sitting in the car together and she was crying her eyes out that she didn't want to go back w/ him.

And to be clear, she knew very well my feelings on marriage/families etc... (I'm not a big relationshipy guy), but she told me many times, "youd make a great husband/father" her son ADORED me, the kid thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and when I ran into her AFTER she told me to get lost and stop contacting her, I was making faces at her son and having fun and he couldnt stop laughing (as usual)... she said, "you're the only one that makes him this happy" and just sighed

So to say that she was looking for a fling is very short-sighted on your part. I appreciate the time you took to read this and give me your opinion but be fair for a minute.

[Rich]

Diablo-

Couples might not divorce right away even if they're both cheating because of, 1: Their social status and how it might look to their peers, and 2: because of the children.

But most always wind up divorcing because people reach a point in life that they achieve, or want to achieve enlightenment. They view life as something greater and want fulfillment on the inside.

An unhappy marriage is unfulfilling to the heart and soul. People cheat for a reason. They're looking to fill the hole in their heart/soul with another.

There comes a time when that fulfillment means more that keeping a false shell of a marriage.


Sarcasm, she probably does have feelings for you but became nasty to you as a defense mechanism for turning you away. It was easier to do it that way then being honest and emotional with you.

Right now the fear of leaving her husband and the financial uncertainty of divorce is more powerful then getting happiness in her heart/soul. A lot of women face this and every women is different in how long it takes before they finally get the courage and confidence up to leave.

She feels trapped in her current marriage and somewhat escapes by cheating when her husband isn't around but cannot bring herself to fully escape by divorcing him.

Could go one of two ways. One is that you can offer her a safety net and be her new life line financially if she leaves her husband, or two, that she feels that she can make it on her own without her husband. It's one of those two solutions happening as to when she'll finally leave her husband.

If you're not ready for marriage and specifically marrying this women, then option one is out.

Getting divorced while with children is a VERY hard thing to do. Give her space to work through her feelings with no pressure.

[Sarcasm666]

thank you rich...Not sure about the offering her a better world financially, her mom recently came into a huge inheritance and she is pretty much set...

the whole thing about emotions rings very true... the whole time we were together (the whole summer), she was emotional w/ me... she would look up at me and say, "I'm scared that I'm falling in love with you"... and there was one time we had a big fight and I handled it very immaturely and stopped talking to her for a week, she called me / emailed me / IM'ed me... anything to get a hold of me crying her heart out.
- and the ONE TIME i try to get closure after it was over, she just said, "yeah I said alot of things this summer" and asked me to stop contacting her. I REALLY believe she was doing that as a defensive mechanism, just as I shut her out when we had that fight... and now she has a family again and I can't be in her life but I just wanted closure.... So her last day of work, she IM'ed me asking that I stop posting on Craigslist about our summer (I never used names or anything specific) just talked about what we did.... and I got tired of IM'ing, so I just called her and basically got my 'closure'... for 45 minutes I got to say everything that had been festering since I couldn't talk to her anymore. I poured out my heart to her and it felt a little better. She didn't give me any type of response, but I figure she can't forget what we had. And without sounding like a total girl, I lost my virginity to her and yeah I have feelings that don't just go away and not a light that can be turned off on a whim

[Diablo]

So to say that she was looking for a fling is very short-sighted on your part. I appreciate the time you took to read this and give me your opinion but be fair for a minute.

I've seen women do what she does with a different man every summer. Also, people will differ in their opinions on this and I call 'em as I see 'em. Don't like my advice? Then apply someone else's. You may think that I'm being unfair, but there will come a time when you'll appreciate people who'll say what they're really thinking instead of telling you what they think you want to hear. I might be wrong in this situation and her new inheritance gives her the freedom to divorce, but usually in this situation, the woman is having a summer fling. If I'm wrong about that, it wouldn't be the first time I was wrong about something, but you should not contact her at this point. For whatever reason, she told you to hit the road, so the ball is in her court, not yours. You're just going to have to see if she contacts you later. If you contact her, this will blow up on you.

[Sarcasm666]

I know not to contact her... its over with... if she wants to get in touch w/ me, she knows how - I doubt she ever will again, but what Rich said, gave me hope and there is nothing wrong w/ that.

It could VERY WELL have been a 'fling' for her, but I was there 1st hand to see how genuinely upset she was... it didn't seem like I was just a 'fling'...

[Rich]

There could be feelings there on her end as women aren't as cold as men and often fall on a deeper level.

You don't really say how old you are, but i'm guessing 19-22 year range. I'm guessing that she's older then you.

Hey, be grateful that for your first time that you had a mature woman to guide you and to "show you the ropes". That's pretty cool.

Like me and my friends used to say about older women back in our younger days, "they don't tell, they don't swell....and they're grateful as hell."

Loved older women. For the most part no drama. She wanted , I wanted and that was it. I wasn't looking for LTR back then.

You'll never forget your first but be honest with yourself. If you're going to get married, would you want to marry a divorced woman and raise someone else's kid?

Not saying that you wouldn't do a good job, love the kid and possibly have some of your own with her. But would you want the baggage.

Wouldn't you want a girl with the same clean slate as you to start a life together.

If so, then don't dwell on the breakup or not still being with her. Go out and go get some more poo tang. You have experience now.

[Sarcasm666]

Hey Rich, actually I was 27 at the time, she is 7 years older than me...and yes, I cant see myself going out w/ girls younger than myself, all of a sudden I'm more attracted to women over 30...

I was talking to a friend yesterday, and agreed IF me and the woman got back together.. I would have to put up w/ her baggage like her husband etc... So it would be awkward times 10,000.

[adoodle]

What you call love, she may call a fling... and heres the thing, even if she were to leave her husband and be with you, she may be a cheater, who will do the same thing to you,s he does to her husband. I think you should just let it go..........
or mentally and emotionally keep it for what it is... a fling and no more.

[PrincessB]

I've seen women do what she does with a different man every summer. Also, people will differ in their opinions on this and I call 'em as I see 'em. Don't like my advice? Then apply someone else's. You may think that I'm being unfair, but there will come a time when you'll appreciate people who'll say what they're really thinking instead of telling you what they think you want to hear. I might be wrong in this situation and her new inheritance gives her the freedom to divorce, but usually in this situation, the woman is having a summer fling. If I'm wrong about that, it wouldn't be the first time I was wrong about something, but you should not contact her at this point. For whatever reason, she told you to hit the road, so the ball is in her court, not yours. You're just going to have to see if she contacts you later. If you contact her, this will blow up on you.

I have to agree with Diablo. I too know many women that pull this with different guys. They fall in and out of love more than they change their bedding, but is that really love? I think this woman was wrong to take your virginity and that you were preyed upon by a lonely wife that was using you to add a little excitement. It may have seemed real and true but women are masters of manipulation and only expect for her to come around when she is lonely and bored.

It is hard to lose your virginity to somebody you believe loved you and then face the reality that it didn't mean the same to the other person. Diablo and I may be wrong but that doesn't mean that our hunches are unfounded. You may never know any better than either of us and so I will advise to move on and stay away from emotionally unavailable people.

Sorry, I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. That's for your friends and family to do and I assume that's not what you came onto this forum for. I don't mean to be cold or harsh but I believe sugarcoating it gives people false hopes or expectations, which ultimately is harsher than the truth.