Am I materialistic ?

[tommy]

I've been with my girlfriend (with two small childs) for the past 5 months. During this time her and my birthday both passed. On my birthday she gave me a cell phone and was added to her plan as a family member. She didn't have to pay anything for the phone. I've also been paying my share of the cell bill every month. I suggested that I pay my share before she could suggest. On Valentine's day she gave me some lush soap. For her birthday I gave her roses (dozen I think) plus a $60 gift certificate at a womens store. For Valentine I sent her roses again with chocolate. Every time I go see her (she lives 3-4 hrs drive away) We end up going out for dinner for which I end up paying. I usually don't ask her to pay and usually suggest that I will pay thinking if I don't what she might say or think about me in the kind of person I am. She did pay for dinner once. I have told her that I don't like going out too often considering its expensive ($80 for all on two occasions). I've purchased Christmas items for both kids and same for their birthdays. She has admitted twice that she is cheap if that means anything. She doesn't make alot and is a single parent raising two small childs. When we met she made the first move. We met only one month following her ex left the city. Prior to that she and her ex were separated for about 1yr but were still communicating with each on a daily basis. Is she on a rebound or looking for someone to support her and the kids ? I know this not the same question I was asking but I'm looking for some direction about this relationship. Do I love her ? No definitely not head over heels but I am fond of her she is relatively easy to get along with her. Also I have told her I'm not ready to become an instant dad and don't know if this will happen with her or someone else. I have also told her I don't feel perhaps the same way as she does toward me. I am not exactly sure what are true feeling for me though she has said she loves me on a regular basis.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.....

[bdtraders]

In my opinion you decided to spend money on her, thats on you. You made the point to say that she is a single mom with two kids, they are her first priority when it comes to money and i think you understand that. You also made the point to say that you told her you dont want anything serious and all that, well if i was her i wouldnt drop $$$ on you either. Not to be mean but if my GF flat out told me that she didnt feel the same way about me as i do her when it came to feelings and love i wouldnt waste money or for what its worth time on her anymore. If you just want to be her friend be her friend, i just hope your not just using her for ...right? Cause that would be wrong. Just my opinion take it for what its worth

[eightball61]

This is kinda a hard one....I mean you should know if you love her or not. We can't tell you your own feelings you need to know what they are if you are in a relationship. Second, I don't think she is just looking for someone to support her. I say this because after all this time there would have been a lot more visable actions to this assumption.

What you are doing is something what a normal person would do while dating or at the begining stages of dating. You both only see eachother so often because of her distance. If you both lived closer it be different and the relationship would be going more fast paced to settle. You are having mixed feelings because the relationship is not going anywheres. All you both right now is non dating terms and not other approaches will happen until you both do get closer.

If you are questioning this stuff then you need to see how valuable the relationship is: you need to see if this is someone that you can see the future with and/or moving closer to get more serious about the relationship.....

[tommy]

Thanks for all comments.

Let me say a few things about myself. This is my second relationship last one lasted 5yrs and was very unstable. I got into the dating scene when I was 30. Don't ask why but there is a story behind this. My first GF was overweight and this was a big issue for me. We met over telephone dating system. Don't ask why but thats it all came about. was good and we did live in the same city. However it seems that she was ready for the whole nine yards and I wasn't. I was going thru things in my life and a relationship should have been the last thing for me. It was a mistake and I should not have let it start.

Now to my current. I have to say the is GOOD no complaints. One thing I have never brought up the topic of in either relationship in the beginning. So whenever my present GF would bring up (and I mean explicit hardcore stuff) just to grab my attention I would be gungho when I had plans to see her. She is nice and easy to get along with we met over the phones not thru dating service. I work in a call center so you get the picture. Please no lectures on professionalism/ethics in the work place. I told my manager and i'm still working there.

I have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to be in a situation where I am a second father to any child. I didn't think about this when we first started but only have come to this conclusion after seeing what the separation is doing to her 6yr old. I've started falling for her two kids. My feeling for her are that I do like her alot but don't have the level of excitement I think I should have. We never have time for ourselves when I see her. This is sort of another issue for me. In the begining it was new and exciting when we would talk and see each other (not often) but not so much anymore.

I hope this sheds some more light on this relationship. Please be frank about any suggestions or thoughts.

[eightball61]

I have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to be in a situation where I am a second father to any child. I didn't think about this when we first started but only have come to this conclusion after seeing what the separation is doing to her 6yr old. I've started falling for her two kids. My feeling for her are that I do like her alot but don't have the level of excitement I think I should have. We never have time for ourselves when I see her. This is sort of another issue for me. In the begining it was new and exciting when we would talk and see each other (not often) but not so much anymore.

.

This is where all your problems lay and you need to read this paragraph over and over to see what I am seeing. Dasically you love her and her kids but you are not ready for that role. Basically you want someone to start fresh with and have kids of your own and you want someone to have good whatever with. Its not a problem to have the wants and needs but you need to figure out what you want because if she is not the one then its not fair to her that you keep coming around.

[tommy]

Just for last sort of update I finally decided that I just wasn't ready to enter into a long term ever-lasting relationship with my girlfriend. I told her this and we have agreed to be friends. My decision was based on not only the fact that I wasn't ready to be a father but also ready to take on the role of an instant step-dad. Anyhow for now its a friendship relationship for which I am relieved. Though I have to be honest I do miss her kids as much as I miss her.

Siging off on this post thanks to all advice.

[eightball61]

Though I have to be honest I do miss her kids as much as I miss her.




You may miss them but remember you said that you "don't want to be in a situation where I am a second father to any child". You miss the company of them but you are not ready for that stage of father hood nor ready for anything long-term. Your decision is the right one for you and I do wish you the best and please keep us posted on any updates if you have any.

Thanks
8-ball

[tommy]

Well my last posting was based on over a week back. However since then I still keep in touch with her about how she and the kids are doing. She wants to keep in touch on a daily basis but I told her I cannot promise I also explained to her that I don't have strong feelings toward her and would like to pursue romantic relations with someone else. She still tries to keep in touch via email and always ask when next I will be calling her. At this point all I know I have taken an interest in another girl and no longer have romatic feeling toward my now ex-gf. please see my other post.

http://www.relationshipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=387

[eightball61]

http://www.relationshipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=387

I have posted my thoughts there but for now though but move on from the whole thing. You said it yourself and you are not ready for that type of relationship yet.

[tommy]

I don't know for some reason after reading my post for this thread I'm starting to feel guilty. The reason it seems that way for me is because it reads as if the only reason I left this woman is because she had kids. Well that was the foundation of my reason but there was the fact that she was cheap admitted and expressed by herself several times. Also it was her personality which was not as conservative as mine. I believe I am a conservative and modest person. I would like to see hopefully the same qualities with the woman I'm going to be with for the rest of my life. Anyhow I just had to get that off my chest. Many thanks.

[eightball61]

\I believe I am a conservative and modest person. I would like to see hopefully the same qualities with the woman I'm going to be with for the rest of my life. .


& thats why this past relationships didn't work. You have certain characteristics you are looking for in a women and you didn't see it here. The kids are not a reason to go back. Move on unless you see something about her that you like.