apazeia
04-23-2008, 10:21 PM
Hello, I'm on my first LDR and as such I have some ideas I wanted to bounce around. Some are obvious, some perhaps not... but I have days when I'm going a bit crazy.
Some background info:
We turn 6 months tomorrow; and in all his time we have spent 10 days together in February for Valentine's when she came to my country. I'm going over there in June for her birthday, another 10-12 days or so.
My girlfriend has a kid from her first boyfriend who bailed out on learning he was becoming a father, back in 1986, she was 19. She then spent the next 10 years dating around, hating men, and trying to get even by sleeping with as many men as she could or something to that effect. She did have 3 or so steady boyfriends, whom she was faithful with, but in between it was a free for all.
When we first started dating, on our first night I stated my intentions, that I'm not into fooling around anymore (I'm 36), and she did the same, she told me she's done with the partying, and we started going steady. There were some other guys interested in her at that time, the "Mr. right now" type, but she assured me she never fooled around with them, opting for a real relationship. BTW She is 30 years old, her kid is 12.
I have some recurring thoughts, dumb or not, such as:
1- She has mentioned a lot, when professing our love, that she loves me completely and that she will wait for me... at first it sounded just plain romantic, but now it she makes a point of saying "... and I WILL wait for you" every time. Now, is this OK, or am I imagining things... that she's REALLY missing and struggling with this?
2- When she goes out with her friends to party and dance I become a bit paranoid about some dude saying I'm too far, I wouldn't know what she did, to just do it, etc. etc. Of course it is normal to worry I guess, and she has told me many times guys can say whatever but nothing would happen since she says 'no'. But then again, she is bound to hide things to avoid upsetting me... She does tend to -not- tell me when some guy on the street approaches her, which happens almost daily. I understand now that it's quite normal to not share these small things and I should not make a fuss out of it. OK OK I get it...
3-Having had meaningless for so long, how does she have a sense of the exclusivity and special-ness of now with me? If cheating were to happen, can it be like scratching an itch, a completely physical event with no remorse or sense of guilt?
4- Is "in-your-face" cheating with a known friend (reverse psychology to minimize suspicion) possible, or does it take a very sick and dis-associated mind to do it?
5- She is quite interested, on the other hand, in my day, what I did, who I spoke with, where I'm going and why, etc. She has had a bunch of potential steadies cheat on her so she also needs to build her trust.
Well it's all about trust in the end, mine, hers. I know I can't have a crystal ball and see what she sees or what she thinks at all times... we both want this to last forever. It's just that her "wild past" has got me thinking so many things: she's had more fun than me, she's done all sorts of things, that I better not bore her... I'm not moralistic, I guess it's about me not having had all that wild fun... of course she won't tell me how many men she slept with... only there were one-nighters with people she just met, and a couple of times when she was 19-20 she slept with 40-somethings. She does not like oral much, and at first I had to bite my tongue not to say "yeah and what about all the other times when you did swallow...?"
Well I'm rambling now hope I made some sense.... thanks.
Some background info:
We turn 6 months tomorrow; and in all his time we have spent 10 days together in February for Valentine's when she came to my country. I'm going over there in June for her birthday, another 10-12 days or so.
My girlfriend has a kid from her first boyfriend who bailed out on learning he was becoming a father, back in 1986, she was 19. She then spent the next 10 years dating around, hating men, and trying to get even by sleeping with as many men as she could or something to that effect. She did have 3 or so steady boyfriends, whom she was faithful with, but in between it was a free for all.
When we first started dating, on our first night I stated my intentions, that I'm not into fooling around anymore (I'm 36), and she did the same, she told me she's done with the partying, and we started going steady. There were some other guys interested in her at that time, the "Mr. right now" type, but she assured me she never fooled around with them, opting for a real relationship. BTW She is 30 years old, her kid is 12.
I have some recurring thoughts, dumb or not, such as:
1- She has mentioned a lot, when professing our love, that she loves me completely and that she will wait for me... at first it sounded just plain romantic, but now it she makes a point of saying "... and I WILL wait for you" every time. Now, is this OK, or am I imagining things... that she's REALLY missing and struggling with this?
2- When she goes out with her friends to party and dance I become a bit paranoid about some dude saying I'm too far, I wouldn't know what she did, to just do it, etc. etc. Of course it is normal to worry I guess, and she has told me many times guys can say whatever but nothing would happen since she says 'no'. But then again, she is bound to hide things to avoid upsetting me... She does tend to -not- tell me when some guy on the street approaches her, which happens almost daily. I understand now that it's quite normal to not share these small things and I should not make a fuss out of it. OK OK I get it...
3-Having had meaningless for so long, how does she have a sense of the exclusivity and special-ness of now with me? If cheating were to happen, can it be like scratching an itch, a completely physical event with no remorse or sense of guilt?
4- Is "in-your-face" cheating with a known friend (reverse psychology to minimize suspicion) possible, or does it take a very sick and dis-associated mind to do it?
5- She is quite interested, on the other hand, in my day, what I did, who I spoke with, where I'm going and why, etc. She has had a bunch of potential steadies cheat on her so she also needs to build her trust.
Well it's all about trust in the end, mine, hers. I know I can't have a crystal ball and see what she sees or what she thinks at all times... we both want this to last forever. It's just that her "wild past" has got me thinking so many things: she's had more fun than me, she's done all sorts of things, that I better not bore her... I'm not moralistic, I guess it's about me not having had all that wild fun... of course she won't tell me how many men she slept with... only there were one-nighters with people she just met, and a couple of times when she was 19-20 she slept with 40-somethings. She does not like oral much, and at first I had to bite my tongue not to say "yeah and what about all the other times when you did swallow...?"
Well I'm rambling now hope I made some sense.... thanks.