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marinesgirl
05-15-2008, 08:21 PM
As many of you will soon come to know my fiance's and my relationship is that of least to say stressful.
to make a tremendously long story short he's a mechanic and continuously wears my t-shirts and socks to work which ruins them. i've tried separating our clothes, setting them out the night before, making him wash his own, everything just short of dressing him myself every morning. so he wore a shirt that meant a lot to me to work. i told him that was wrong and was agitated and he instantaniously blows up. "you stupid , you told me i could wear this!" using more fowl language hurtful words. i combat his fowl language and yelling telling him he has no right to talk to me like that. he then stops and says "lets just stop talking before this escalates any more" so we stop, he turns up the raido and he then makes ANOTHER comment on how i make a big deal out of nothing and he doesn't understand. I told him because i have no t-shirts left and he's ruined all my hoodies and my t-shirts but never replaces them. so then he starts up with the name calling etc. i start to cry he says "cry, go ahead and cry, do you want me to cry with you? Well i'm NOT"
We then stop at our landlord's and he takes the keys out when he goes to the door. i move into the driver's seat because he was driving my poor old jeep like it was a race car. on his way back to the jeep he throws the keys on the lawn and sits down in the jeep. i told him to go pick up the keys but he wont and i end up getting them myself. fastforward to home couple hours later he's screaming in my face again and i go to shield my face from his spray and he throws my hand away. fastforward next day i haven't slept and i decide to stay home, mental health day. he calls me a stupid selfish for staying home. i then decide that i should go to work but he runs into my jeep and takes off when i told him to stop. so i cleaned my house all day and he comes home and says not a thing to me about it. i ask a couple questions he's screaming in my face again. couple hours later he orders food in and feeds me and seems like everything is ok now. no appology no nothing. then in bed he decides he wants intimacy... wrong that's a big negative. i then further explained why that was a no and all the things we need to work on. also that he has designated jobs around the house that he signed up for but has not been doing those either. He actually agreed however, that he's been slacking and needs to pick up that slack
well... so much for a long story short.
I've had quite a few come to Jesus talks with him about screaming in my face and calling me names and he seems to feel bad during and after those talks but then he lets his emotions talk instead of his real self

eightball61
05-16-2008, 12:33 AM
Did you know him before the military? If so, what was he like?

Either way his reactions are not a good sign. The jobs you both have are are stressful but yet helpful at the same time however it's still no excuse when it comes time to verbal abuse to you. This does pose risk for you and your relationship all together. This is him and remember marriage won't change that. A person can't change who they are but they can learn how to work with it. There's nothing you can do to change him. This is something he needs to see and work on himself. The only thing you can do is think about your wellbeing.

marinesgirl
05-16-2008, 03:16 PM
Yes, i deffinetly know i cannot change him. i'm not looking to change him and we're hopefully going to start counceling again within the next couple weeks. i realize marriage is not going to change him and he must choose to change. you're preaching to the chorus because this is all of what i teach people.
thanks for the reply!

Rich
05-16-2008, 05:33 PM
Quite simply....love doesn't do that. Love doesn't do what he does to you and you should tell him that specifically.

Tell him that if he truly loved you, that he wouldn't raise his hand to you, touch you roughly or yell (spray) in your face. That is not love.

He needs to also think before he acts. Not so easy to do, but IT MUST BE DONE.

Think before you do or say.

Hurtful words and actions are like hammering a nail through a piece of wood. You can try to apologize and pull the nail out, but you leave a hole nonetheless.

Give him that analogy too. Tell him that all of these holes that he's putting into your relationship are weakening it. If he's smart, he'll get it and see the bigger picture.

You shouldn't also feel trapped into accepting his behavior as well. I can uderstand up until a point because of the PTSD, but you're entitled to happiness and being treated nicely in your relationship. You don't have to stay.

marinesgirl
05-16-2008, 07:09 PM
Yep and I've explained that to him and he says he understands that. Which is why he agreed to go to couples counceling. i want to stay with him because he has made huge gains believe it or not, and i know that everything takes time. i love him and i'm not leaving. i joined this forum not for people to tell me to leave him but for support and to gain aquaintances to talk through some of my emotions. i don't believe in giving up so easily. i don't feel trapped and i don't accept his behaviors and thats why he's made progress.

Rich
05-16-2008, 08:00 PM
Not saying to leave. Just saying that you shouldn't be treated like that and don't feel that you "have" to stay.

Everyone reaches a point though.

marinesgirl
05-16-2008, 08:40 PM
i know i dont have to stay and he knows that too. this is why this time in our relationship is so important. i think because he's been going to therapy and liking it and is choosing to continue without anyone telling him to because he knows it helps. i reached that point a long time ago and did leave him for a while thats how his getting help evolved

eightball61
05-17-2008, 02:42 AM
you're preaching to the chorus because this is all of what i teach people.
thanks for the reply!


Why are you being so defensive towards our posts? As you said, you came to the forums to look for support. What kind support are you looking for? Are you looking for guidance? The truth/reality of this? or just a shoulder to cry on?

You've made it clear and you're not leaving. Our support to you is that you don't deserve to be treated like nor does anyone. I'm sorry but most won't support his behavior so the responses you receive will be ones you don't want to hear. We respond because we care...

marinesgirl
05-19-2008, 03:19 PM
Sorry if my posts seem defensive but that's not now i wanted them to be percieved at all. I'm looking for ideas and i guess guidance on how to deal with situations. I feel that i can and have made it clear to him that no, i don't support his behavior and therefore if he wants the relationship, which he does, he will need to continue to work on himself. We've come a long way believ it or not.
Has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone with combat PTSD? JW

On a good note we had a great weekend. He's really beat up, not from me!! haha We played softball for 4 hrs yesterday and he really got into it. I think it'll be good for him to have some place to hang out weekly.

P.S. please forgive me for seeming defensive

smackie9
09-03-2008, 07:11 AM
Sounds like having social activities plays a positive roll for him. I hope the therapy teaches him to respect you and your personal space. Him abusing your clothing is stemming from a deeper problem. Maybe something from his childhood or past where he didn't have control over certain things.