Any advice for Aussie country girl please

[Rani]

:confused: Hi all, I only found this forum today and have been reading with interest the recent posts. I want to ask for advice but am struggling to know where to start because my post would be too long if I were to explain the whole picture, but I will try to keep it brief.
I am 37 and my de-facto partner is 44 and we have been together for 2 years and 3 months. I have no children ( by choice), he has 3 kids from 3 previous relationships. My previous relationship was my first and lasted 14 years. I ended it. ( it was doomed from the start, it took me that long to do something about it)
The difference between the two is like chalk and cheese which is why I fell for my new man big time. The honeymoon ended for me a few months ago and we split up for 6 weeks ( we have lived together the whole time and have now bought a house together) We are back together trying again in our new home. He is madly in love with me and really wants it to work, and I know he wants to marry me and he has made a huge effort to change his ways and be more responsible. There is a lot about him to love, especially how he can make me laugh! But why do I still feel like this relationship won't last. For a start I know I don't want to marry him. I know that I don't have commitment to this relationship and I feel that I am just going along with it to keep the peace. That sounds so awful I know. When we split up for six weeks four months ago we both went through emotional hell. It was so bad that I feel traumatised for life and I NEVER want to go through that again. ( It made my 14 year relationship look easy to end but it was far from it) Another huge factor in all this is another man ( just to screw things right up) I am not having an affair and I am not interested in one, but when we briefly split up I got quite close to a genuine caring guy at work who I have known for over a year. He knows I am back with my partner and knows the story. I really like him and he has confessed to being crazy about me. I said we can only be friends to which he said he would wait forever for me. I am not silly enough to go jumping straight into a new relationship ( I've learn't my lesson there) But it is so damn hard to focus on fixing my relationship, with him in the background and living in a small town. My man is aware of him and he knows he likes me and he has serious jealousy issues with it. So I guess what I want to know is how do you know if you should end it or just commit to the relationship and stop procrastinating. This consumes my thoughts every day and I feel I am wasting my life on it, and can't move forward.
Maybe I am just being too fussy, selfish or not tolerant enough. I keep telling myself nobodys perfect and I certainly recognise my flaws and try to work on them. We are two very different people, but we get along so well. We don't fight or argue and we make plans for the future. He is so happy and tells me often that I make him happy and that I am all he wants. I feel we shouldn't have got back together. Basicly he talked me into it and I relented, partly due to the fact that I just couldn't handle going through the property settlement and was worried sick that I would have a huge financial loss as he contributed nothing to the property and I had carried him financially since I met him. But as I said earlier he has seriously changed his ways and now pays the mortgage, and has a good job. There is so much more to this relationship that I can't put all in one post. Maybe I can do it over several posts. I know it's hard to give advice on such a small snapshot of our life, but I would appreciate anything. Other problem areas are his jealousy and his 8 yo son who lives with his mother but comes to stay with us on holidays.

[eightball61]

You seem needy but yet doesn't want to commit to anything more but just a relationship. This is fine because this is who you are however you need to find a partner just like you. For your current issue, you need to determine which guy you work it out with. It's not fair to either one especially when your trying to get a relationship back on track. If you find you're not ready for this then its the fear of commitment once again so be fair to everyone(including yourself) and don't try for something you're not ready for.

[Scubasteve]

You have answered all your own questions in this post. Good luck.

[Rich]

In cases like this you just need to trust your heart and gut. Whether you believe in metaphysical stuff or not, I believe that we all have life guides, or guardian angels that watch over us and try to help guide us to reach our fullest potential and greatest love of self. What is your heart/gut telling you?

You flat out have said that you’re staying in the relationship for practical and financial reasons only. If that’s truly the case and you’re not just saying that because you don’t want us to believe that you really want out because of the other guy, than know that your relationship is doomed to end anyway because your heart is not in it.

Often times we get signs from our guides and angels but we don’t recognize them. Have you ever done something and then you got a feeling within you, or in the pit of your stomach that you know that you made the wrong decision or did something wrong? That’s your inner truth and guides speaking to you.

Your guides and angels only want the best for you in this life time and for you to experience true love. Living a life in happiness and love is part of the reason that we’re all here.

I recommend for you to sit quietly and to meditate on both men. Then trust the feelings and signs that you’re being given. Get your logical mind out of the process and trust the “inner knowing” and feelings that you get.

I often say this on this site to many posts. There are always two choices that we have when faced with decisions to make in our lifetimes. Those to choices are love and fear. Think of your feelings when you say those two words to yourself. How do they make you feel?

Love is light, open, airy, uplifting and a warm feeling that you get. Fear on the other hand is darkness and a depressing heaviness.

You should always choose the path of love because that’s what God intends for us all. I’m not a born again, or preacher, so don’t get me wrong. But if you believe in a higher power and that we’re all a part of that higher power, then love is all that there is. If God equals true love that transcends, then if we live our life by always choosing the path of love, then aren’t we living a Godly life and the life that we came here to experience?

You’re facing a decision and choosing to stay with a man more out of fear of finances and the negative consequences of leaving, rather than staying because you love him. You’re making a decision based on fear and not love.

When faced with choices, always choose the path of love as that will ultimately lead you to inner peace and happiness. There might be some rockiness along the path, but ultimately it’s better for you.

And quite actually from your post, one can already see that your inner guides have told you what direction to take and your soul and inner being knows what this is, but your earth raised, logical and practical mind is over-ruling it.

That is, over ruling it for now. But in the end we all want and strive for peace, happiness and love and ultimately make the choice to pursue it. In effect we just waste precious time in an empty relationship when we can instead be feeling love.

Trust your heart and soul and act on those feelings.

[Rani]

I'm back again and to elaborate some more. I take aboard what you have all said. I am in this relationship partly due to practical and financial reasons, which I don't think is a wrong reason, only if it is the only reason. I do love him, he has a very special place in my heart. Am I lying to myself or is it possible to love someone but to feel you can't spend the rest of your life living with them?
Rich, you ask what is my heart/gut telling me. It is telling me that I shouldn't be in this relationship. To be honest I would like to be able to live on my own for some time, but its not possible because I couldn't afford to. I guess it is obvious that I'm a practical sort of person. My head tells me not to cause unnessesary heartache and stress.
Even though my man has made such a huge effort to change and hates the way he used to be and how he took me for granted I still feel resentment deep down. Shouldn't I be grateful for the change and give it more of a chance? I tell him often that I appreciate and love the change in him, but am fully aware that he takes this as everything is going great.
8Ball, I don't think that I am too needy, though it is natural to have certain needs in a relationship which goes both ways. I always considered myself a strong-willed and confident person, but I can't find one ounce of strength to end it! My man is constantly needing reasurance from me that everything is going ok. He can be clingy and childlike.(which I found cute in the beginning) Silly me!
I have put this down to his mum dying when he was young. I feel responsible for his happiness. I know that is so wrong and stupid, but I can't bear to see him hurting and to end it all on a gut feeling would rip his heart out and mine doubly for feeling his pain, which is what happened when we broke up earlier.
As for the other man I have asked myself many times if he is influencing my thoughts and all I come up with is that if he was to leave the country and not come back, I would still have the same gut feelings of an uncertain future with my man.
Thanks again for all your thoughts.

[eightball61]

8Ball, I don't think that I am too needy, though it is natural to have certain needs in a relationship which goes both ways. I always considered myself a strong-willed and confident person, but I can't find one ounce of strength to end it! My man is constantly needing reasurance from me that everything is going ok. He can be clingy and childlike.(which I found cute in the beginning) Silly me!


You're needy in a way that you need someone to help you through life...such as financial reasons. You may not see this side to yourself however remember when you split up with this guy for a while you got closer to another but yet you stated this breakup was an emotional hell. If this time was so bad then why get closer to another guy & now still communicate with him while trying to fix your current relationship. There's nothing wrong with staying with him for this reason however if he is unaware then you're just leading him on which is wrong.
If a single mother with children can make it through life and todays financial issues then you can too.... You just need to be strong and work for what you want.

[Rich]

Two choices. Either blow up your relationship with your man and start it over again only with his new attitude towards you, or stay for practical/financial reasons all the time knowing that you will leave him at the first acceptable opportunity that arises. Which is what will happen. Basically you'll be using him.

Nobody says that you can't go back to the beginning, collect $200 and start over again. It's ok to do that you know. You and your man need to have an honest talk where all of your feelings are expressed and then you both decide to clean the slate and try again. It's all just a mental thing. You need to let go, open your heart and try to fall in love again. Go on dates and have fun with each other.

The hard part is to not bring up the past and just totally let it go. Start fresh.

On the other hand if your heart is just not in it, then your man will pick up on this and fights will take place more and more. Intimacy between you two will dwindle and dwindle. A point will come when you are then forced to leave him.

I've been where you are. After awhile you say to yourself, what the heck am I doing? I'm wasting my life and going nowhere. I want to feel love and be with a person that I love and who loves me. I want to enjoy coming home. I want to be excited when I hear my wife come home instead of feeling dread.

Trust me, I've been in a marriage where the spark had died. My own personal belief is that once a spark is dead, or that the initial attraction that drove you two together disappears, that you can't get it back. It's hard to view that person inthe same light anymore.

Life isn't easy and it's filled with tough choices. Sometimes you need to take three steps back to go further down a different road of life then the dead end raod that you're on now.

[smackie9]

I think you are not ready for a full blown lets get married relationship. You just ended a 14 year relationship only to jump right back into a committed one.

I think you are feeling more scared about being trapped again. All you are doing is being honest with yourself and there is nothing wrong with having a change of heart. If you are not really ready to start a life like that again, well don't. It is more fair to end the relationship now, rather than down the road married and being miserable.

I think you need to just date and experience the single life for awhile. Enjoy your freedom to do whomever you want without any ties.

[Rani]

Thanks again guys. My mind has been working overtime. I havn't had the courage to talk to him yet. He reacts very badly to things he does'nt want to hear. I'll keep you posted, but could be a while.

[eightball61]

Thanks again guys. My mind has been working overtime. I havn't had the courage to talk to him yet. He reacts very badly to things he does'nt want to hear. I'll keep you posted, but could be a while.

If you do decide that it's best you have sometime for yourself then be cautious when telling him. I fear for you if he reacts badly to things he doesn't want to hear. I'm not saying he will take anything out on you but you still need to be cautious just-in-case.

[smackie9]

Whoa him reacting very badly to things he doesn't want to hear? That's a huge red flag my dear. That's a real good reason not to get involved with him anymore.

[Rani]

Sorry, I should have made myself more clear. He is not at all violent. He reacts badly in that he throws a tantrum, sulks and worst of all makes me feel like the worst person in the world. He will say things like " where am I supposed to go", " I'll have to tell the boss that I'm leaving" , " I won't be able to stay in this town, because I won't be able to handle seeing you" and on it goes. If I just listen and don't say anything he thinks I don't care and If I make suggestions he says that I must have been planning it and want him gone fast. He can't see that I am shattered too and If I remind of that he says " why are we breaking up then". He would never hurt me physically.

[eightball61]

Sorry, I should have made myself more clear. He is not at all violent. He reacts badly in that he throws a tantrum, sulks and worst of all makes me feel like the worst person in the world. He will say things like " where am I supposed to go", " I'll have to tell the boss that I'm leaving" , " I won't be able to stay in this town, because I won't be able to handle seeing you" and on it goes. If I just listen and don't say anything he thinks I don't care and If I make suggestions he says that I must have been planning it and want him gone fast. He can't see that I am shattered too and If I remind of that he says " why are we breaking up then". He would never hurt me physically.


Mental abuse still hurts as being physically abused. Don't oversee it just because he doesn't hit you...."there's no excuse for abuse".

[smackie9]

Oh totally!

[Rich]

You're not his mommy. He's a big boy and will have to do what he has to do. It's not up to you to plan out his life.

Don't let him guilt you into staying.

In life, people like the "comfort factor" and will always fight stepping out of the box. Sometimes people need to be pushed into growing emotionally, mentally and physically.

He'll be alright. The will to survive is pretty huge in the human being. He'll land on his feet once he's been pushed out of the plane and either needs to pull the parachute cord or crash and die. People figure out what to do.