beesting
02-23-2005, 11:11 AM
I am here of course, probably, in similar situations as everyone else who joins this forum... I'm trying to heal a broken heart...
My story is kinda long since it lasted almost 6 years. I met him in my last semester from college (February 1998). From the beginning, he and I were very good friends. I've known his family for years, but he and I never crossed paths. About a month after he and I met online, he asked me for my phone number... just as friends, nothing more. I refused, of course because I didn't know him well enough to see if I could trust him not to be a serial killer or stalker. I asked for his instead. It was a Friday evening, and he was initially sleeping the first time I called. I waited a couple of hours and called him back, with the intention that if he doesn't pick up, I will never call him back. Unfortunately, his sister made him pick up because she felt bad that I had called twice already (darn her!). Anyway, that first day we talked... We talked from 9PM to 4:30 AM... non-stop. I teased him about guarding his heart against me because I have a habit of guy-friends falling in love with me... hehehe... I never thought he would take it seriously because around my birthday (may 1998) I found out he has fallen... HARD, from my understanding... He was 19... I was 25... Yeah what a mismatch. I tried to scare him away, tried every trick up my sleeve to try and push him away or turn him off... It didn't work... He and I continued to or at least struggle to try and continue being friends but his feelings grew stronger for me... I had a huge crush with someone else at that time, a crush that has been ongoing for about 2 years prior (1996). I'm a late bloomer you see... I was afraid of getting hurt so I always manage to keep my feelings hidden. Then one day I found myself constantly thinking and worrying about my guy (my ex). I found I could not easily ignore him anymore. I began to entertain ideas about being a couple. At that time, his feelings were so real, or I thought they felt so real that I was swept up by it. After a year and a couple of months of friendship, I decided to have a go at a relationship with him. He was 20 and I was 26. He was my first relationship ever! My first Kiss... first date... first everything but there was no consumation of the relationship all this time... I sometimes blamed that part of the relationship for it's failure. I am a practicing Catholic and so was he. We respected eachother enough to try and hold off. It was rocky in the beginning because like all couples, we had baggage that we both brought into the relationship. I had elderly parents whom I was the primary caretaker for (mom-70s, dad- 80s), newly grad nurse (boards, new working relationship- from nursing assistant to RN), new position as a girl friend (I didn't know one thing about being a grilfriend). I didn't even know how to say "I Love You" to the oposite . On his part, after the first couple of years, he was adjusting with college life and having me as a GF. Unfortunately, his father died in March of 2001. He then had to drop out of school and help pay for the bills. His mom barely makes 30k per yr. he worked at the airport by this time, PT. Luckily, his managers knew about his situation and let him have a FT position. It was in our third year together ( a little after his father died) that things seemed to finally settle between the 2 of us. I remember making a comment about how we were no longer fighting or arguing as much. Arguments in the beginning stemmed from his jealousies and insecurities to my being unreasonable and we were not seeing things eye to eye ( maturity levels). I should have bailed out then. But since the 3rd year was showing signs of improviing, we kept pushing. After his father's death, I decided to take on PT position as a nurse, mainly so I can spend more time with him, care for my parents at home and be there for him because of his loss. I think the main reason why it was going so well was because we did make more time for eachother. He used to take me to his job, when the airport wasn't so chaotic, before 9/11 and I would wait for him and have lunch with him during his breaks. At this time, he had dropped out of school. He knew he wanted to finish something, so we discussed other possibilities... I encouraged him to attend the local community college and take classes while he was trying to find out what he really wanted to do. At this time he also had 2 other sisters who were enterring college as well. Without a father, it was hard for them. It was on our 3rd year together that we began to discuss more about marriage. I was scared. I told him that we needed more time and that he cannot just get married now, when his family needs him most. So I told him to concentrate on what he needed to do at that time. In August of 2002, he proposed to me. I said yes, but on the condition that he finish school first and get stable. He wanted to marry in the fall of 2003. I refused. I pushed for a 2006 wedding, but he did not like that idea. So we both settled for a 2005 wedding. It would have been this April. Anyway, he finally finished at the top of his class with an associates degree in construction technology. He now works as a city employee. Me, on the other hand, had left the hospital ( for back-related problems) and took on a desk job for a prestigious pharmaceutical company... It was a drastic change as well as pay cut... When we gopt engaged, our problems started again... I began to blame the reason behind his busy schedule as well as mine. On and off we broke up but not to the point that we wouldn't talk to eachtother. It would last a day and we would be back together again. Then it became worse as the wedding date got closer. Last year around this time, I found out that he was having second thoughts... I didn't find out about it until just before we broke off our engagement, which was back in August. I began to notice that most of our fights would involve just me trying to be with him all the time. I became a nagger to that extent that it got to his last nerves. But all I wanted was to be with him still! Even to the last day. When we broke up in August (at this time we had booked the church, reception place, photographers, priest and I had my dress), I thought I would never see him again. A couple of months later, he and I began to talk again and hanging out, but we were both hurting from the break up that we both decided to try and take things one day at a time. We tried to be just friends... but the feelings were still strong. Finally, a few days after Christmas, I found out he was talking alot with another woman from MD area that I was so hurt by it that I decided to completely drop out of the picture. I confronted him about it and all he told me was that he was talking to her as a friend and seeking some advice... Of course I believed him, but at the same time, I noticed a change in his demeanor, like he knew that it was really over between us... and this is where I am right now... still pining away and still wishing for something that seems out reach right now... Deep down in my heart, I know he has developed some feelings for this woman. IT HURTS! I thought he and I would always be together. I guess we both hurt eachother beyond that point.... I am wishing for a happy ending... but I don't believe that happy ending would include him this time and it breaks my heart a million times over to accept this. It has been 6 weeks and 3 days since we last spoke. I sent him a Valentine's prayer about unconditional love, he never responded. Although the very next day, I saw him online for the first time, showing himself on YAHOO IM. He normally limits his internet appearance to AOL. It was in YAHOO where we first met. I did not say hi to him. I WISH I HAD... I WISH I COULD HAVE HIM BACK AGAIN>>> I WISH!
But I know I have to move on since he seems to have moved on. How can he have loved me so much but yet be able to be with another woman in so short a time????
My story is kinda long since it lasted almost 6 years. I met him in my last semester from college (February 1998). From the beginning, he and I were very good friends. I've known his family for years, but he and I never crossed paths. About a month after he and I met online, he asked me for my phone number... just as friends, nothing more. I refused, of course because I didn't know him well enough to see if I could trust him not to be a serial killer or stalker. I asked for his instead. It was a Friday evening, and he was initially sleeping the first time I called. I waited a couple of hours and called him back, with the intention that if he doesn't pick up, I will never call him back. Unfortunately, his sister made him pick up because she felt bad that I had called twice already (darn her!). Anyway, that first day we talked... We talked from 9PM to 4:30 AM... non-stop. I teased him about guarding his heart against me because I have a habit of guy-friends falling in love with me... hehehe... I never thought he would take it seriously because around my birthday (may 1998) I found out he has fallen... HARD, from my understanding... He was 19... I was 25... Yeah what a mismatch. I tried to scare him away, tried every trick up my sleeve to try and push him away or turn him off... It didn't work... He and I continued to or at least struggle to try and continue being friends but his feelings grew stronger for me... I had a huge crush with someone else at that time, a crush that has been ongoing for about 2 years prior (1996). I'm a late bloomer you see... I was afraid of getting hurt so I always manage to keep my feelings hidden. Then one day I found myself constantly thinking and worrying about my guy (my ex). I found I could not easily ignore him anymore. I began to entertain ideas about being a couple. At that time, his feelings were so real, or I thought they felt so real that I was swept up by it. After a year and a couple of months of friendship, I decided to have a go at a relationship with him. He was 20 and I was 26. He was my first relationship ever! My first Kiss... first date... first everything but there was no consumation of the relationship all this time... I sometimes blamed that part of the relationship for it's failure. I am a practicing Catholic and so was he. We respected eachother enough to try and hold off. It was rocky in the beginning because like all couples, we had baggage that we both brought into the relationship. I had elderly parents whom I was the primary caretaker for (mom-70s, dad- 80s), newly grad nurse (boards, new working relationship- from nursing assistant to RN), new position as a girl friend (I didn't know one thing about being a grilfriend). I didn't even know how to say "I Love You" to the oposite . On his part, after the first couple of years, he was adjusting with college life and having me as a GF. Unfortunately, his father died in March of 2001. He then had to drop out of school and help pay for the bills. His mom barely makes 30k per yr. he worked at the airport by this time, PT. Luckily, his managers knew about his situation and let him have a FT position. It was in our third year together ( a little after his father died) that things seemed to finally settle between the 2 of us. I remember making a comment about how we were no longer fighting or arguing as much. Arguments in the beginning stemmed from his jealousies and insecurities to my being unreasonable and we were not seeing things eye to eye ( maturity levels). I should have bailed out then. But since the 3rd year was showing signs of improviing, we kept pushing. After his father's death, I decided to take on PT position as a nurse, mainly so I can spend more time with him, care for my parents at home and be there for him because of his loss. I think the main reason why it was going so well was because we did make more time for eachother. He used to take me to his job, when the airport wasn't so chaotic, before 9/11 and I would wait for him and have lunch with him during his breaks. At this time, he had dropped out of school. He knew he wanted to finish something, so we discussed other possibilities... I encouraged him to attend the local community college and take classes while he was trying to find out what he really wanted to do. At this time he also had 2 other sisters who were enterring college as well. Without a father, it was hard for them. It was on our 3rd year together that we began to discuss more about marriage. I was scared. I told him that we needed more time and that he cannot just get married now, when his family needs him most. So I told him to concentrate on what he needed to do at that time. In August of 2002, he proposed to me. I said yes, but on the condition that he finish school first and get stable. He wanted to marry in the fall of 2003. I refused. I pushed for a 2006 wedding, but he did not like that idea. So we both settled for a 2005 wedding. It would have been this April. Anyway, he finally finished at the top of his class with an associates degree in construction technology. He now works as a city employee. Me, on the other hand, had left the hospital ( for back-related problems) and took on a desk job for a prestigious pharmaceutical company... It was a drastic change as well as pay cut... When we gopt engaged, our problems started again... I began to blame the reason behind his busy schedule as well as mine. On and off we broke up but not to the point that we wouldn't talk to eachtother. It would last a day and we would be back together again. Then it became worse as the wedding date got closer. Last year around this time, I found out that he was having second thoughts... I didn't find out about it until just before we broke off our engagement, which was back in August. I began to notice that most of our fights would involve just me trying to be with him all the time. I became a nagger to that extent that it got to his last nerves. But all I wanted was to be with him still! Even to the last day. When we broke up in August (at this time we had booked the church, reception place, photographers, priest and I had my dress), I thought I would never see him again. A couple of months later, he and I began to talk again and hanging out, but we were both hurting from the break up that we both decided to try and take things one day at a time. We tried to be just friends... but the feelings were still strong. Finally, a few days after Christmas, I found out he was talking alot with another woman from MD area that I was so hurt by it that I decided to completely drop out of the picture. I confronted him about it and all he told me was that he was talking to her as a friend and seeking some advice... Of course I believed him, but at the same time, I noticed a change in his demeanor, like he knew that it was really over between us... and this is where I am right now... still pining away and still wishing for something that seems out reach right now... Deep down in my heart, I know he has developed some feelings for this woman. IT HURTS! I thought he and I would always be together. I guess we both hurt eachother beyond that point.... I am wishing for a happy ending... but I don't believe that happy ending would include him this time and it breaks my heart a million times over to accept this. It has been 6 weeks and 3 days since we last spoke. I sent him a Valentine's prayer about unconditional love, he never responded. Although the very next day, I saw him online for the first time, showing himself on YAHOO IM. He normally limits his internet appearance to AOL. It was in YAHOO where we first met. I did not say hi to him. I WISH I HAD... I WISH I COULD HAVE HIM BACK AGAIN>>> I WISH!
But I know I have to move on since he seems to have moved on. How can he have loved me so much but yet be able to be with another woman in so short a time????