Am I shallow?

[bdtraders]

About 3-4 weeks ago my GF that I live with was going to loose her house . I had bene laid off and just returned to work but we got a few months behind on bills and house payments and her mortgage company wasnt willings to work with her. We tryed everything to get a loan but nothing worked. Our last hope was suggested by her sister to go to our preacher and talk to him. My GF refused and I went. (She didnt want him to know our problems). He was really nice and turned me over to a member of the church who was in the mortgage business and helped us save the house in under a weeks time. She was able to pull out equity in her home and pay off the mortgage company the past do amounts, in the mean time she also caught up on all the house bills. She gave her oldest son $500 to do whatever he wanted to do with his car (lower,lights,radio whatever). She also went and bought herself a new wardrobe and her other children other gifts as well. I told her that I needed new tires for my truck cause they are bald, I have spun out 3 times in the rain driving down the freeway, and that i was 3 months behind on my truck payments because of my layoff. My uncle paid off my student loan on his visa so now i owe him $2000 and i owe $900 on my cell bill that was shut off. She made comments about giving me $500 one time, then a few weeks ago made mention to giving me $1000. Every time i bring up new tires for my safety now that im driving to work again shes said find prices, so i did and told her. I asked her about it the other day and she said Yea yea yea we will take care of your truck but your phone and your uncle are your problems. Meanwhile she keeps going out all the time spending money. She had 15,000 now shes down to $4,000. All I want is my tires replaced and my truck payment caught up. She caught up her truck that was behind also and all the other bills nad has wasted allot of money on useless crap but shes sees it as her money to spend as she chooses. I look at it as we are a couple and its our money and she wouldnt have it or a house if i didnt handle it. (shes bad at handling money). What should i do, everytime i ask for money its like im asking her to give up one of her children. I want to get out of debt to like she was able to but i keep getting pushed aside. When my payday comes around i wont have anymoney for these debts cause i have to help her stay up on bills and the house payment (which is the right thing to do) but in the meantime she/we have this money to catch up on bills and she caught up on hers but mine are treated as if they dont matter. what should i do? piss her off more and bring it up again? i dont know what to do or say.

[inquisitive]

I would say it depends on the nature of your relationship. If your just boyfriend/girlfriend then personally I wouldn't be jumping in to help you pay off all of your bills. If there was a serious commitment, as in you plan on being together forever then I would say she should help out. My SO and I did not start "pooling" money, and considering the money we make as "ours" until we'd each made a commitment to the other that we want to be together forever. Neither one of us sees a future without the other. Now before my money was my money his was his. Even though we lived together. When I wasn't making much and he was he didn't pay off my bills and vice versa.

[smackie9]

You guys need to see one of those money management cousellors, sometimes offered free through your government, to help you sort all this out. Your GF has a big problem. Like a drug addiction, spending money is very stimulating, and your GF is out of control. I suggest she gets some counselling. She maybe going through depression at this time and spending money is an escape. Financial misfortune can be devastating to any relationship.

[eightball61]

And again.....You need to put you foot down...You are the one that went to the preacher and got the help and she didn't do a damn thing. No offense, but I really dont like this women. The more you put about her the more it just clearly shoes the power she has over you and I see the difficulties the more you explain the control she has. You should be entitled to that 300.00 or what ever it take to have new tires and maybe an oil change.

I am so sorry to say but its getting harder and harder to say what you should. I know you love this women but what is it that you really love? is it the pain she brings you? You need to put that foot down or else she will continue to on you.

[bdtraders]

i guess thats my worst fear that if i put my foot down she will say screw it and tell me if you dont like it get out, and that will kill me since i love her and her kids so much.

[eightball61]

Your afraid she may say "screw" it but are you willing to go through this and never do a thing about it? You need to put your foot down and if it does ruin things the bright side to that is there are many other girls out there that will be better hearted to you than she is. She needs to see her mistakes and if he doesn't then she will continue this role.

[bdtraders]

I agree, she had her episodes yesterday, but then last night was all loving when i got home, and said she would pay for my tires and my truck payemnts to catch up. Then this morning she had an attitude again, i DO need to put my foot down and feel im ready to, but should i do it when were not fighting and just say look listen.....or next time she upsets me then put my foot down?

[eightball61]

You do it when it feels right. I did mine on a good day and I shouldn't have but I still did it. This is something that is eating you up and will continue until you say something. Its hard to tell what the affects wills be but it has to be done. YOu know it has to be done and no change may happen until you say something. I can't say she may change but its a process we will have to monitor.

[bdtraders]

all my friends are saying i should throw my hands up and give up and at times i feel that way but i really want it to work out, i dunno. She told me last night to call and make an appointment for saturday and to let her know when i mad eit, so i called right now and they said just bring my truck in, so i called her at work and told her and when she answered the phone she was like oh hi...but when i said i calle dabout my truck she got all pissy and was like fine, bye. I dunon maybe im reading into to much of her

[eightball61]

You dont have to through in the towel yet....Set your mark first and put your damn foot down. IF you dont learn how to do this now then you may face against this again in the future. Put your foot down and tell her what you expect of her and what may happen if worse came to worse. What you allowing is a chance so you dont have to look back on it and say "wow I should have giving her a chance". This all-in-all will set the tone and the determination may be made then what will happen to the relationship.

[bdtraders]

i agree totaly and yes im scared to do it, i ahve threatened to leave many times and actully did once, so now if i threaten to leave shes like ok bye, i dont know if its because she dosent think i will do it or dosent care. On my side if i do leave again for real on a second time cause she gets hot tempered and says fine leave then, i wont be back even if she begs cause i will be scared it will go back to this again. I guess im just really confused, the answers ar ein front of my fac ei just cant except them

[eightball61]

You hate to do it but you have to face it or else you are stuck like you are now. Its your choice on how and when you do it but remember you have to make a stand to her. Its doesn't mean to threat to leave but its more to how she treats you and what you want as a change. This will prove if you guys can make t work or not. You may be afraid to be alone but I think deep down you'll see its better to be alone for sometime than treated like this.

[bdtraders]

well i did it today, i had my stand with her and told her everything that bothered me, she said she didnt realize she was such a bad person and started crying and didnt realize our relationshipwas so f***ed up. I said it was all in all good but we both needed a litlle tweaking. She said she would try to workon it but didnt realize why i thought i wouldhave to leave. I told her that the problems were small ones that could be fixed but that I had bottled them up for so long that i was in the wrong for not calling them as they arose. I said i need to learn to be more stern with her andshe needs to watch her tongue and be more giving. It was hard to judge if she was really ok but she seemed mad, but she was crying also (good sign i guess). Anyway we shall see how it goes from here.

[smackie9]

Dear bdtraders, I'm going to take another shot at this. I feel that you GF has a behavior problem that could be brought on by stress, depression, or anxiety. You say one moment she's all loving and the next she has that additude again. Mood swings, a classic sign of depression. Do you not feel that you are walking on eggshells, one wrong move and she's angry with you, saying horrible things? and the next she acts like everything is great? Her going crazy spending money foolishly when you are having money troubles. It doesn't make any sense. Why did she do that? Is she the evil and selfish? No. You know her better than that. Her spending the money was an escape for her. I think she's so confused, I bet ya she really had no idea what kind of damage she had done.You putting your foot down has shook her up pretty badly. Talking to her may pull her out of it. But if it continues, I suggest she get some professional help. My mom is manic> growing up I remember her spending almost every dime my dad ever made. He swept the problem under the rug, so she continued, and she ended up divorced and an alcoholic. I wish my dad had put his foot down. I could be be wrong, but it's something to keep in the back of your mind.

[eightball61]

well i did it today, i had my stand with her and told her everything that bothered me, she said she didnt realize she was such a bad person and started crying and didnt realize our relationshipwas so f***ed up. I said it was all in all good but we both needed a litlle tweaking. She said she would try to workon it but didnt realize why i thought i wouldhave to leave. I told her that the problems were small ones that could be fixed but that I had bottled them up for so long that i was in the wrong for not calling them as they arose. I said i need to learn to be more stern with her andshe needs to watch her tongue and be more giving. It was hard to judge if she was really ok but she seemed mad, but she was crying also (good sign i guess). Anyway we shall see how it goes from here.

When I talked to my girlfriend she had the same reaction. You girlfriend stated that she "didn't know" and that was because she was so used of her actions and not used to getting called upon on them. To her things were going ok in the relationship and know that you made this known to her she now knows how you are feeling about the whole thing. Now you both need to work together to make the relationship worthy of going further. You are right and the relationship needs some tweaking. You both now need to build on that and work together.

I do hope thing take more of a positive turn here but I will remind you that even though she knows now it will take time for her to change some ways. Everytime you feel like you are getting hit dont be afraid to speak up because thats what will keep it on track. Like I said before I can't say what the outcome will be but I am glad you finally got it out.

[bdtraders]

Yea i finnaly go tit out, but then it seems like she distanced herself even more then before, i dont know if shes scared or what, but i calle dher on it last night saying she seemed more distant and she said she was just tired. We shall see, she always has an excuse for something. I know it wont change over night but we shall see where it goes, right now it seems the talk just pushed her back more even though she said when seh was crying she wanted to work on it. maybe its just me

[eightball61]

Yeah, It wont change over night and thats why you need to be patient but still call her upon things you dont agree with to keep her on track. She going to seem distance for a bit because things back fired onto her and now she doesn't know how to react. You can ask her whats on her mind but dont pound it out of her. She is going to need time to think about what was said to her and how to react to it. She needs time to think so dont cludder her. You did the right thing though and dont regret it. If you never done this then the confusion about her would continue for the longest time.

[bdtraders]

yea i know your right i gues si just feel bad cause i made her cry yesterday and tha ti hope i didnt screw it up more because shes actting more distant now. I know your right and hopefully she will see the light over the weekend. I know she is tired shes been working long weird hours the last few days and just needs rest. not to mention a wellbutrin refill. I hope just hope she sees the light.

[eightball61]

What you did was to help the relationship. You need to stop thinking so negative about the situation. You told her what you needed to. If you didn't tell her then she would have continue the path and eventually the relationship would have gone down the tubes. All you are trying to do is save the relationship and you have relief all that tension in a good way. You need to see the positive that this may have. Sure you took a chance but if you didn't say anything then this would have droven you out eventually...hang in there and see what happens.

[bdtraders]

Thanks so much for your help eightball61 and to everyone for that matter. I will take it day by day and see where it leads me. I guess the hardest part will be for me to remain strong and now speak my mind whenever she says or does something that really upsets or hurts me. As for other things in like any relationship i will just dust under the rug and ignore them because they are not huge issues. But when big issues arise that bother me I need to be strong and not scared to spark her attitude and tell her how i feel.
As me and her layed in bed last night we talked and se told me how much she does care about me and is thankful im in her life. (shes always very loving right before she falls asleep) I asked her if she was ok from our talk and she said yes, i said that i would love to go speak to our preacher about premarriage counseling if she would participate in it also, and she said yes i still want to marry you that will never change and yes i will do that with you. So ill take it day by day and see where it leads us. We have the kids this weekend plus my son from a previous marriage so i will see how she is, i know her 12 year old daughter is one of the reasons shes been edgy lately because her daughter has a way of getting under EVERYONES skin.
Well Day by Day and thank you all for helping me, and I plan to stay on here to try to help others and still use you all as a kind of supprt group for me and to keep me strong.

God Bless
Mike

[eightball61]

:D Please dont leave us for good...I want to know the updates and how it all goes. You just made the first step last night and I want to know how it all goes. Just remember though that you need to keep things on target and stay strong. I am not telling you to fight with her but you do need to defend what you beleive in and compromise. This is all part of nature in relationships. Just hang in there though and try to work together. You will know what the outcome is when it all happens. try to stay postive though and work together rather than against....I wish you the best of luck Mike :D

[bdtraders]

One more question before i let this topic fade except for the updates.Going forward should i back off abit in the amount of affection and calling that i show her until she recipricates it? Yes she does loving things from time to time, but i constantly am the one calling her and showing her attention. Should i pull back a bit and let the conversation soak in and still eing loving but not as much as i used to me. Sometimes i think i might be to smothering but she tells me im not and she would let me know if i was.

[eightball61]

My suggestion is stay to the same routine that you have been on. You dont want to give her the cold shoulder. When I was telling you to hold back it was more in the sense of hounding her about the issue. You got it out and now dont say anything more until she starts up again and saying something then will just put her bac into place.

[bdtraders]

Gotcha, Thanks again.
Sorry to be so self consumed in my issues, how are you and your similar GF doing nowdays. Please IM me and keep me posted, your struggles are similar to mine and your advice and story has helped me in mine, i would love to see how yours is going and the steps you have to take.

[eightball61]

I been sneaking some of the updates into this thread as we went along but I will post as changes come. Things are going ok and we havn't had a big fight in a while. We have had some minor disagreements but thats expected in a relationship. I will keep you posted though and keep us posted with your also.

[bdtraders]

Well all in all the weekend was pretty good, only real episode was on sunday, she was aggrevated with the kids (so i think that was the root of it) and i asked her about a new kitchen table she bought and hadnt picked up yet and she said it "looks nice, thats my opinion and thats the only opinion that matters" and i said "excuse me" and she said you heard me and walked of. I confronted her and said that my opiinion matters and she needed to watch what she said and i walked off. About 30 mins past and she came up to me and said she knows my opinion matters but reminded me that i had told her that she could decorate the house anyway she wanted cause i didnt care, and if i did i would let her know. I told her she was correct and we both apologized and i said i know your frustrated with the kids and she said yea, we then went out to dinner later that night just me and here and she really opened up talking about how she needs to learn to let me help her with things and to not be afraid to let me in all the way, and that sometimes when she needs help her pride gets in the way. I was like wow, and we discussed it. So just one minor episode but shes definatly working on it. I just need to remember to stay strong, keep a level head and not want to give up so easily when she irritates me (because she is working on it).
Ill keep you all posted.

[eightball61]

I was like wow, and we discussed it..



Wow :D This is great news....like I said though she will notice her wrong doing but will take time for her to change her regular routine. She may not completely change but being able to talk about it together and work on it is a great step. You both have accomplished something great here. I hope this continues and please keep us on this progress...She may go back to her old moments but remember and dont hold it in. Point anything out at anytime so she can stay on target....

[bdtraders]

So far so good, she gets moody at times, but all in all shes changing i hope for the best.

My only insecurity andmaybe someof you women out there can ease my mind, but here it is. My GF has a female friend she has known for over 10 years that lives near where she workds and they frequently go to lunch together. Her friend is and had expressed her feelings for my GF that she would love to be her GF. My GF told her (at least thats what she told me) that she wasnt interested and that she perfered men. When me and her started dating she waited a bit to tell her friend we were dating but then eventually told her she had met the man of her dreams. ( i was sitting there when she sent the email). They still hangout and her friend sends her daily text messages saying she loves her and they go out at lunch alot. She buys GF alot of gifts which kinda bothers me cause im not as rich as her friend. I expressed this to my GF and my GF said that they are no big deal and that her heart still belongs to me.
My issue is why am I so insecure about this. It seems as if she will text her friend back more often then she will me.
Am i being totaly insecure or should i be worried? Am i being stupid? i dunno

[smackie9]

I wouldn't feel comfortable either. I myself, wouldn't accept gifts from a friend like that. It is a strange arrangement. I don't know your GF, but do you think she's just using her? Enjoying the attention? Women are not homophobic like men are. Who knows. Leave it alone. It could be nothing.

[eightball61]

Insecurity can hit for many reasons and many are unknown. I will say that I am an insecure guy but I learned how to look on the brightside rather than the negative to get me through. Insecurity can ruin relationships and mine was indanger because of how bad I was. We as people will get hit on all the time with or without a relationship. She has a friend that likes her but she stated her ground. You need to trust her word on that and just accept the friendship. I know its tough but she still is coming home to you everynight.

[bdtraders]

Thanks eightball, I agree she is coming home to me everynight. It really hit my nerve the other day because her friend called her and said that the Tiffany jewelry her friend ordered for her would be in the stor ein a few weeks. I felt low. I cant affrod that stuff myself and I felt like a loser cause her friend was getting it for her. MY MISTAKE FOR ASSUMING!!!! I spoke ot my GF on sunday over a nice lunch outing and she told me that she (my GF) bought the jewelry herself but the local store didnt have it in stock so her friend offered to go down to the store for her and place the order to have it shipped to this closer store. My GF also said that she dosent care that I cant afford to buy her material things like that, cause thats all the are are material, wha ti giv ein love and caring to her and her kids is much more then any jewelry or material thing.

[eightball61]

My GF also said that she dosent care that I cant afford to buy her material things like that, cause thats all the are are material, wha ti giv ein love and caring to her and her kids is much more then any jewelry or material thing.


& you know what??? She is right about buying stuff because that doesn't buy love. This is just another example to the positive approach that I am mentioning to you. You are still thinking on the negative side of things and things like what she stated you are missing and not getting. Try t pick her words out more and feed off from the good rather than trying to think for the negative.....does this make sense?

[bdtraders]

oh i totally agree, when she said that i was like WOW, it opened my eyes. But your still right, i do at times (guilty- raises hand) think on the negative, i jus thave to condition my mind to stop the negative thinking, any suggestions.

[eightball61]

I wish I had better suggesting on how to control your mind but that is all in your doing. The only thing I can suggest is store the good comments in and everytime you think negative try to look for positive things from the past. I have done that and it makes me calmer. Or you can try writing those through out so you can go back and look upon them.

[opti3]

Do what my boyfriend and I do, never share. We do everything separate with our own money. Except for going out to dinner and stuff like that. If he wants it, he buys it, if I want it, I buy it. I pay for my stuff, he pays for his. It is so much easier. We share a house and I will pay for the phone or electric, and he'll pay the house payment. We divide up the bills and there is no complaints. You are each your own person. Even if you were married, you can still have separate accounts and spending. My parents have done that since they got married and it works great for them. I know I will end up doing the same thing. That way, no stress financially.

[eightball61]

We share a house .


Yes, you both do share...You share a house and responsibilities. Relationships take the effort of two people and you both found a good way to share things and have succeeded quite well. You may find at times you both may have to come together and share money but you have a good system that works. Keep it up :D

[bdtraders]

Ok my GF has been in a awesome mood the last few weeks since our "talk", shes had her moments but they soon pass. I called her this morning to let her know that the kids got off to school ok (she likes to know) and she was all lovey dovey and really caring and we talked and joked and spirits were high.
I left the house at 945am when her sister came over to use our computer and i went an ran errands that she aske dif i could do for her to free up her time tonight,(before i went to work at 11). When i got home from running the errands i called her and she sounded defeated and very non-loving. I asked her what was wrong and she said noting seh was fine, but i could tell by her tone of voice and the way she was talking that something was bothering her. I hung up with an "well im here for you baby i love you" and she said " yup, bye" and hung up. Lately shes been very loving saying i love you all the time. I went to work and spoke to my mom about my grandmother whos not doing well and decided i would go see her tomorrow on my day off. I called my GF and she sounded bad again, so i asked if she wanted to join me and she said yea after she gets her nails done. I asked if she was ok and she said she was depressed and i said about what, she stated she didnt know just felt depressed. I said well i love you baby and im her for you, she said i know, i said well ill let you go so you can get back to work and she said ok, i said i love you again and she said yup and hung up. Not the same GF that i have known over the last few weeks. On sunday we had an awesome day and i gave her a ring that she was balling in hapiness over, she showed everyone, all her family and friends , then showed people at work yesterday. Now todays she started out on cloud 9 now shes like defeated. I told her to just look at the ring and it would make her smile, and she said uh-huh with no emotion.
I dunno, am i making a mountain out of a mole hill? How can she be on cloud 9 then on cloud -9. How can someone be depressed without knowing a reason? isnt the reason going through thier mind thats why they are depressed. I dunno. Is it just me and i should just leave her alone and ignore her the rest of the day until she gets out of her mood.
I dunno.

[eightball61]

She just having one of her spells. My GF had it the other night and I stood strong the whole time and she realized her wrong doing. You need to continue to point out her flaws. If she is depressed then she needs to see a doctor so she can work through it. You can help her but not baby her.

[bdtraders]

yea thats what a friend of mine said, she said that my GF will get over it and that i shouldnt take it personaly. She said that I should tell her that i care (i did) and ask her if theres anyhting i can do for her ( i did) and if she says that theres nothingi can do then leave her alone and go about my own day, that i showed her that i love her and i care so that if she then gets mad and says anything about im leaving her alone i can say,no i told you i love you and asked if there was anything i can do.
she said i should stop taking things so personaly. I told her i just feel like i should always be able to make her day better and when i dont i feel like a failure. my friend said NO you were there for her, she wasnt receptive to leave it alone and let her come to you when shes ready again otherwise you will only piss her off.
So on with my day and I will await her call or see her at home later tonight.

[eightball61]

You take things personally because you are like me and you care. There is nothing wrong about caring. She say you need to do this and that but what about her. You can only change for her if she changes for you. This is a two way street....You can't be the one always bending over for her or else she will win you once again.

I learned this from my girlfriend and I do everything for her but now I am in the stage I only change when she shows me change. Don't turn it into a game but you are just showing that you are here to work with her rather than not working with her. If she wants corporation from you then she needs to do the same.

[bdtraders]

I guess what bothers my the most is how I am. I want to change myself so bad, I hate feeling like a failure when i cant make someone happy cause they are having a bad day. I know we all have bad days and i cant change that, but i hate the fact that i take everything to personal. If i could change one thing about me that would be it. I know people will say "then change" i wish it was as easy as that, but its really not, sometimes i have my good days and sometimes i fall into a rut and cant seem to climb out till i reawaken the next day fresh and new.

[eightball61]

Try writing in a journal...I may have mentioned this before but give it a try. Write down all your accomplishments you made and anytime you feel down take a look at it. You can also maybe seek some counseling to give you a better outlook to life. As a start though try the journal idea and start looking for more positive things.


ps. the only thing that makes you a failure is when you give up.....so you are not a failure.

[bdtraders]

once again thanks eightball

[bdtraders]

Argghhhh I dont know at times, my GF is really loving at times then she backs way off. When she backed off last night iasked her what was wrong, she said shes just scred im going to go back to my ex-wife. I said no way, she said that until the divorc eis 100% final she will be scared and thats why she backs off. I told her that if she backs off cause shes scared to loose me and shes treats me like crap when she does that cause she gets moody all she is doing is pushing me away. I cant make the divorce be final any quicker, i have to wait the 6 months, that sit, but thats not good enough. She cant except that i want to be with her and only her, period. Needless to say we got in an argument over the phone and I told her all shes doing is pushing me away and hung up. I dont know anymore. I migh tloose my job cause of cutbacks this friday, my grandmother is dieing of congestive heart failure in the hospital, my aunt dies 2 months ago, my family dosnet except me and her as a couple, then the one person i am supposed to lean on for support (her) give me crap...I dunno im at my wits end

[bdtraders]

I just dont understand why i need her to love me so much. Everytime my phone rings im hoping its her and its not, I text or call her throughout the day to tell her i love her and she might do it once. How can I just back off from her, sometimes i feel so strong and I leave her alone but other times I feel so unloved by her so i say things to get her to say she loves me or misses me and when she dosent say those things i get even more depressed. What can I do, im going crazy at times.

[eightball61]

Its hard getting something so fresh off your chest but going back to her will prove that she won. Use the break wisely that you both are on and work together onw hat each of you want.

[bdtraders]

Problem is we arnt on a break. When ever we say screw it I always talk to her and convince her that we should be together, and she agrees and says she was just being stubborn. The thing is if i do stand up sometime and say screw it and move out it will be the second time i have had to pack my stuff and move, and im tired of that game, im scared that if i leave again that would be it, cause i love her alot but im tired of that game.

[eightball61]

cause i love her alot but im tired of that game.



I bet you are tired of this whole....I know I would be...Thats all part ofmaking a stand for yourself. I did read your post from your other thread but I rather continue my thoughts here rather than all over the place.

Making a stand means you point out what she is doing and what you dont like. If you dont like these games and threaten to leave then just leave. My girlfriend threw my ring at me many times. The last time she did that I did leave. As I was leaving she grabbed me and told me not to go. What you need to do is make the stand and leave if you tell her thats what you are going to do. You hate these games but by not doing what you say you are going to do you are feeding the situation and again she wins.

Relationships are not meant to be a game. I know you love her but if there is too much difference going on there will be a time where you just have to hang up your coat and say thats it.

[bdtraders]

Your very right eightball (funny how i always say that). I guess my fear is that if when she said it was done and if i went home and packed that be cause she IS so stubburn she wouldnt stop me.
Her sister has talked to her and told her that she needs to stop being so stubburn and allow herself to be l oved and to accept that all guys arnt me and i am not going to hurt her like they did. She also told my GF that if she dosent knock it off I am going to leave. My Gfs response to her sister was that she dosent deserve hapiness and that she knows i am way to good for her.
I try to show her and tell her that im not, and that she is special.
Didnt it kill you when she threw the ring at you? That killed me, it was a very bad hurt and i will admit i cryed like a baby.
But i guess my worst fear is, we get into a fight, i stand my ground and she either tells me to leave or i leave and i walk away from something that might feel so wrong but in my guts feels like it will get better someday. I dunno, all my friends are shocked im still here cause with other GFs i had bailed by now and never had shed a tear. But with her its 100% different. Im not the same strong person and something in me tells me to not give up, yet othertimes it tells me to give up, its like a battle within myself.
Funny thing was when we got home the other day and she had given my ring back, i said fine ill pack my stuff and get out today and she said you dont have to do that, your jobs near here. Then she changed the subject back to how i had embarrased her. Just thought it was strange that she gave the ring back and it was over but i could wait to move out?
but your right i do need to stand my ground no matter what the outcome is. Im currently reading a book on boundaries right now also, (when to say yes or no ) and i also have started keeping a diary, even though sometimes i miss days. Should i let her read my diary entrys or should i keep them private?

[eightball61]

Books may help you give you insight but just like here everything is in word form. You are the only person that can make the situation what you want it to be. If you keep going back she has won and if you say nothing she has won again. The other fault I see here is that you need to keep others out of it. This is both of your issue. Its ok her sister is saying something but let it just be through thier disagreements and do not allow her to but into both of your problems.

Your girlfriend sees the problem but fails to do anything about it. She is very hard headed and it will be hard to get through her. The only way is keep making the stand but there is only so much that you can do before you wave the white flag. I almost did that but I am trying it out one more time....its all in your hands.

[bdtraders]

are you scared like I am that it might not work out, and your back to square one. Im 32 not getting any younger and really want to settle down and be a family with someone.

[eightball61]

32 is not old...Sure you ain't getting younger and so so ain't I but you are still young and wise enough to make a proper decision for yourself. I feel that me and my GF and wwork this out because I know our situation but if it doesn't work and things go back down the tubes like they were then I will move on because there is no point of me going through life and being unhappy with someone. I want to be happy with the person I want to be with and share the rest of my life with and if I can't get it here then I will look.

[bdtraders]

Well I dont know what happened the last few days, Something clicked inside of me that i have been focusing on myself alot more and not on her so much. In the process she has started acting more affectionate and doing things she normally dosent do to catch my attention (ex: did a nice y dance after she got out of the shower last night.) Funny thing was when she was done danicing she tryed "testing" me i feel in trying to push my buttons like she does sometimes to see how far she can take it, by getting all stern and saying, "wow no comment if you dont appreciate the things i do for you then i will stop", where normally i would answer "what baby no i appreciate it, dont act like that come here baby". But last night when she tryed that i said " if you cant tell i appreciated that by the smile on my face then make sure you turn on the overhead light before you leave the room so i can read my book", at that point she shut up and go tin bed and well ya know :D . I dont know what happened to me , i still care for her alot but i have stopped acting like she effects me when she makes bad comments, and she shuts up. She even called me a few hours ago to see what time i will get off work and I said "i dunno 630 or 730" and she said "oh well can you get off at 630 that way i will wait a bit to cook dinner and you can be here to eat it with me and the kids" I said yup and that i had to get back to work. which shocked her cause she usually says she has to hang up first.
More update to come later as they happen, good or bad

[eightball61]

After my talk with my girlfriend something clicked also. I do care for her like I did before but I am not putting up with that treatment and I have been more expressive to her in the past....

The same thing happened to you here. This is the transition I been waiting for. You still do care for her but you are just not putting up with the test anymore. You do a nice thing for her and she plays a test on you. Your reply to that was very good rather than "baby come here". She needs to know that she can either accept the fact that you do love her and respect her rather than test you for it.

Just keep doing the sweet little things to her but if she decides to test you then dont go soft. Thow it back in her face on how you were doing something nice for her and how she ruined the moment by being y. She needs to be called upon these acts to realize that you are no longer taking this.....& one day you may just have the final straw with it.

[bdtraders]

I think my GF is a little insecure about her sister also, to funny. I got home from work yesterday and me and my GF were going to go pick up some dinner for the family. Well she was on the phone and seemed mad and said to the person on the other end "Fine, we will call right back". When we got into my truck to go get dinner she dialed a number and handed me her cell phone and said "here talk to your other woman, she needs computer help", i was like "huh" and she said her sister. I helped her sister over the phone with her PC problem then hung up. As we drove I remembered a conversation we all had when we had dinner together on wednesday, I really like this one rock band that my GF hates. Well I during normal dinner conversation that when they come to town i was gonna go and my GF said "well im not i cant stand them". I said thats fine, i can go with her sisters husband, cause he enjoys somewhat similar music and he said the he wasnt really interested in them but his wife was (her sister). Her sister said yea she loved that group also and that we could go together. I said sounds cool and i would let her know. Then my GF said " I am joking, you know i would go anywhere with you". LOL

It didnt click till last night that i think she is a bit insecure of her sister. As i think back now she has acted weird, or got very quiet anytime we all go out as couples and me and her sister have normal conversation. Me and her sister are just friends through her, and she is happily married.

[eightball61]

As I said earlier in the post but I thik she is being this way because she doesn't want you to leave. The problem is she is going about it the wrong way. Being jealous over everything is not the key.

[bdtraders]

yea i have been scaring the hell out myself lately, I love her very much, but sometimes i feel like in he mood i am now i wish she would start something and break up with me again so i can show her that im serious about walking. Sometimes I sit at work and wonder what it would be like to be with someone that i didnt need the reassurance if they trully cared about me or not. I love her so i dont know why I am all of a sudden having these feelings of wanting something else, if she stayed her loving self how she is sometimes i would be satisfied. I dunno my own mind is starting to scare me. At times I know feel as yes i love her with all my heart, but if she was to say forget it again i could really care less. Thats scary to me.

[eightball61]

You wonder about doing something else because you are just sick of it. You love her but just sick of the insecurities. My relationship almost ened at the beginning because I was that way but it has all turned around to be my GF now. As I said before stop threatening to leave and just leave durning the next fight. I did that and it just showed that I am serious. I am was really sick of the fighting and I argued alot more rather than being soft-toned and I would just leave. It hurt her but made er realize what she was doing to me was not right and I am getting sick of it. Now, you GF may not just care when you leave and if thats the case then dont go back.

[bdtraders]

Well my mom called me on Saturday while i was at work to notify me that my 90 year old grandmother who has been in the hospital , was becoming lethargic and her blood pressure had dropped. I called my GF and told her that I was scared (my grandmother and grandfather who passed in 89 had raised me the majority of my younger years). My GF told me that I needed to knock it off because she was 90 years old and what was i to expect. That comment killed me and we totally got into it over the phone. Needless to say I left work early and went home to confront her face to face. I told her that she was pissing me off and was pushing me away, she said whatever and that she always knew that she was not what i really wanted. I was like WTF, what do you mean your not what i wanted, I have givin up so much for you and i always show you that i want you. She said that she didnt think i really wanted her , i was like why are you doing this to me right now, my aunt died in november now my grandmother and your making issues about how i feel about you. She said oh well. I said fine i will find someone that does care about my needs and she said ok bye. She told me that that comment really hurt her and i said the comments she made hurt me to, and that i was sorry i said that but it was like when she gave me the rings back. That pissed her off more and told me not to throw that in her face. I said whatever and drove off. I guess her sister came over to say hello to her and my GF told her what happened and her sister layed into her also about she needs to watch her mouth and be there for me, or the best thing that ever happened to her was going to walk away and never come back. (Her sister called me last night and she told me what happend and told me she was sorry for my loss) I called my mom while i was out and my mom said my grandma was still the same with no change. Sunday morning my mom called and told me that she had passed away at 330am. My GF gave me a big hug and told me she was sorry and if there was anything she could do. Her kids also gave me big hugs and said they were sorry. We went to church then went to work. When we got home from work she had bought me a card and it was beautiful and she wrote in it that she would always be here for me and she was sorry for being stupid sometimes. What shocked me was she also bought a card for my mom (they dont get along). last night as we lay in bed she told me she was sorry for being stubburn and stupid sometimes and that she is very scared to loose me and shuts down when we fight cause she dosent want to feel any hurt if i leave her, so thats why shes gets like that when we fight. I told her to watch what she says and we wouldnt fight. I also told her its not always her that at times when shes moody i have to learn to not take it personally and think its over me, but to let her be and let her get over whats bothering her. She laughed and sad yea thanks for noticing that.
The funerals on friday and i guess im just worried now cause she will be there, so will my mom and my ex who my GF cant stand will also be there. (she was a part of my family for 8 years so i think she should be there). My ex asked would it be ok if she gave me a hug at the funeral because she just feels bad for me, and i said i really dont know how my GF would take it, i dont want to upset my GF. (WOULD LOVE YOUR VIEWS ON THIS).
So that was my weekend drama this weekend.

[Rich]

I think that you're just going to have to accept that you and your GF are going to fight. Fight a lot.

She is not going to change.

Do you really deep down inside want to live a life like you're leading now? Only actually it will be worse becasue you'll be together 24 x7. Many more chances to argue over things.

As for your ex at the funeral, let what happens, happen. Don't worry about it. If your GF blows a gasket at a hug, then really, is this the type of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If you stay, then just know that you're life will be a series of calms between fights and the fights will be pretty regular.

Good luck

[bdtraders]

Yea i have alot of thinking to do, we already live together so we are together 24/7 when we are not at work.
I dunno sometimes i see a light at the end of the tunnel because i see the little changes that she has made so far and i hope that one day a bigger change will happen.
But to that I dont know if im just fooling myself and being narrow minded and stupid or if it can really change fro the better sometime down the line.

[Rich]

That's an aweful lot riding on "hope".

People are who they are and for the most part don't change.

If they do change then they most often revert back when things get comfortable and they don't think that they need to work for the relationship.

Good luck.

[bdtraders]

I agree people are who they are, but I also firmly belive that if people want to change they can change. I along with others I have known have changed quite a bit in the last few years. So i belive people can change, will change, i hope so. Could I get burned if she dosent change, yea I can, but I have faith that she wants to change, like I said shes changed some since I have met her and when we can actually sit down and talk open heartedly during good times, she realized her faults and speaks to me about them and tells me she wants to change and to not give up on her but its been 36 years for her being like this and not trusting a guy and scared to get hurt again, but she will try but needs me. I know she loves me with all her heart, i also know shes never felt a love like mine before and that scares her to death that if she gives herself (some control of her life) to me that she is setting herself up to be vulnerable to be hurt. She realizes i would ever intenionaly hurt her, and like i told her this satuday, you can choose to live in fear of me hurting you and shut down and be mean and loose me or you can let me in and be happy and take it day by day. If you choose to live in fear everyday you will be miserable everyday. But if you let my love warm your heart and let go like i know you want to you will see that I wont let you fall and ever be hurt again.
I have faith, not only in her, but in God that he brought me and her together for a reason, and even though all me and her have been through its for a reason. This is the first time i have not walked away from a woman when she really hurts me or upsets me, before i have every time. But for some reason, I feel as though shes the one i shouldnt give up on and let go.

[eightball61]

There are a lot of people that firmly believe that there partners will change and it never happens. Many get caught up in this with abuse, verbal abuse, ect. You are heading in that direction if nothing changes. If you see no change then you have to make that change to better you.

[Rich]

I'm glad that you have faith and trust. That's good.

And exactly my point. You're GF has had 36 years of living like she has. She is set in her ways and her way of doing and reacting to things. If you feel that she can change, then stick with it and just know that you're in for a lot of fighting still to come.

Also know that it's not just ok for an alcoholic to know that they have a drinking problem, but that they need to work to change it.

Your GF knowing that she has issues and making an honest and valid atempt to try and change them are two different things.

I wish you luck.

Rich

[bdtraders]

Yea we shall see, I can see she wants to change and we made an appointment for counseling so we shall see.

My grandmothers funeral is tommorrow so all my family will be around her and she admitted to me yesterday thats shes scared cause she wants to be there for me but she hopes they dont start anything cause she dosent want anything to happen.

we shall see

[eightball61]

Yea we shall see, I can see she wants to change and we made an appointment for counseling so we shall see.



By both of you agreeing to the counseling and going is a huge step to the right direction. If this doesn't fix it then nothing will and you will know your relationship will forever continue as a battle. You BOTH have to remember that you have to be open minded to another persons ideas and follow what they have to say. If you BOTH dont then you BOTH allowed things to fail on a try.

I hope thing go well at the funeral tomorrow. Keep your head up though. Its not been a good time for you but hopefully things start looking more positive here for the future ;)

[bdtraders]

Well went to my grandmothers funeral yesterday and most of my family introduced themselves to my GF. After the funeral they had a lunchen and me her and the kids sat at a table eating, my family sat at another table, my mom stopped by the table and said hi to my GF and asked if we wanted to come sit at thier table, i said no we were fine (just cause the kids were being a bit loud). My GF then got upset a few minutes later and started crying saying that my family was ignoring me because she was there. I told her how do you figure. She went out to our truck and I went out with her. I asked her to come back inside with me and she said no because if she wasnt in there my family would talk to me. I said it was fine that i just needed her support and my family didnt do anything. She said no which upset me then she got mad cause I was getting upset. She finally said "fine lets go in then" all pissed off and we went back inside. My exwife was there and gave me a hug and asked if i was ok and told me she loved me,i said thanks and said love you to and my GF lost it. When we drove to the burial she started saying why am i with her if i still love my ex. I said I will always love her i just dont want to be with her, i love her like a friend now. She was all pissed off. When we went to bed last night she apologized for making me upset yeaterday but said she still thinks she was in the right by going out to the truck. I said thanks for the apology but i dont agree with the truck part cause you should have been there fro me no matter what cause your all i need.
One foot closer to the door, im at my wits end, i love her with all my heart and i know she loves me but im gettng closer and closer to the door.

[eightball61]

Wow your situation is a mirrow image of my relationship ;) My GF is the same way by thinking bad rather than good and turns everything around. I too got in a fight today but stood my ground and now things are ok. You have to just be firm...I ask my GF what will it take for me to prove my love? I gave example by cute things i do for her, how I bend over for her, how I tell her "i love you" 100 times a day ect. She did turn my words around by me throwing it in her face but I ask her again what will it take to prove my love for her.

You case is the same thing...I told my GF to go witness another relationship because things will be the same. I explained that people fight and things like that are normal. I told her we are normal and thats why I am with her. I see no faults except to these stupid fights over stupids things. I am hoping a change can happening and you are in the same boat.

[bdtraders]

Yea shes been fine today i was on my way to work and so was she. I called her cell phone and just said "just called to say i love you and i hope you have a great day at work". She called back shortly thereafter and asked if i was mad at her. I said no why, she stated caus emy message sounded as if i was upset at her. I said no just called to say i love you. I asked her the same thing about if she knew how much i trully love her and she said yea i know you love me and i said yea but do you realize how much, she said yes and she gets scared cause she thinks i will leave her at times when we get into fights. Your story sounds just like mine, we can have our great days and then somedays are down right bad and her words are hurtfull. I know thats how she is and i have to except that par tof her that when shes scared or hurt she gets very defensive and lashs out. I just get scared myself. I know she loves me cause she does show it, i guess im just scared of loosing her.
Like i have said many times before I have never worked or stayed in a relationship this rocky at times before I have always bailed and walked away, but something i dontknow what keeps me going back for more and fighting for me and her. I wish i knew what it was, if any one does please let me know. Why dont i just give up like i have so many times before, whats makes this any different?

[eightball61]

It could be different for many reasons but I dont know the real answer. We are not Cleo and we cant pick your mind out. Only you can seek that real answer out of yourslef to why its so hard to leave. She has insecurities and self-conscience issues. this may be somting that you may never be able to get her through for a change. Some people are just this way naturally. If this is the case then you have to make a decision to as if this is something you want to have for the rest of you life if you plan to marry her.

[bdtraders]

Well me and her went to church yesterday and during the sermon the preacher said "in any relationship you should give 100% but expect 0%" I had heard that many times before and so had she but it really hit her. When we got home from the easter festivities at her sisters she asked me if we could go in the room and talk about something. I said sure and we went and talked. She apologized for the way she behaves and said that she wants noting more in her life then me and she knows at times she is very hurtful to me and pushs me away or does things to upset me and she is very sorry. She said that she is so relaxed around me that she takes it for granted most of the time and she really loosens up, she loosens up so much that her day to day irritants that she bottles up are let loose on me, and she realizes that is wrong and wants to change but needs my support. I told her i will try to help her buy 99.9% needs to come from withen herself. Shes a really tough woman and very seldom crys (VERY SELDOM) but she was crying when she was talking about loosing me and saying she was so sorry for the things she does and she really wants to stop. I told her that she has changed but she still needs to learn that when somethings bothering her to come to me and talk to me about it, get it off her chest, i might not understand, i might not agree, i might not understand but i will always be there with a closed mouth and a open ear to listen to her worries and problems.
We both agreed again that when she does get upset I need to realize its not about me 99.9% of the time and to not take it personal. I also have to realize that I am not superman and cant fix all the things that others do to irritate her.
I told her I get scared sometimes to scold her kids cause i dont want her to get mad at me and she said thats one of the things she really loves about me is the fact that she doesnt have to be the bad person all the time in thier eyes, that before with her other BFs and EX she was the one that always laid down the law with her kids and everyone else never did anything, but I do and if they are getting out of line I step in.
Babysteps going forward, taking each day slowly.
I pray that it gets better, she recognises the problems and seems like she wants to change, but time will tell. I do remain hopefull cause I love her with all my heart even though the BS levels reach high levels at times (you feel my pain eightball :D )and I love her children as if they were my own.

[bdtraders]

been pretty calm the last few weeks in our household, we had a minor tiff last friday but it was resolved. We then spent most of saturday out and about but always holding each other. Spirits have been high and we both have pretty much done what WE wanted to do and its seemed cool. All in all pretty quiet, guess inside (i know its wrong) i mightbe waiting for the bomb to drop, but i try to block it out so we all remain in a good mood. I have let alot of small things that used to upset me go, cause they are not worth the effort. Me and her have talked and I have pointed out things to her that before has pissed her off but i reworded them and it made he agree and laugh, such as i said last night the we are BOTH stubburn and bull headed and need to be thankfull for what we have and she laughed and said yea we are.

Hows homelife for you and your SO eightball, hope its going good.

[eightball61]

Hello bdtraders :)

I am glad you posted and update. I am glad thing are going well and I hope they continue. You both have had your little moments but that's normal for relationships. I do hope things continue on this past and I wish you both luck :D


My relationshp has its moments like yours but its typical. Things are looking great and I hope they continue. My goal is to continue sticking up for myself. I try not to think about what happened in the past and I try to aim for a better future. So far that has been working and I hope it continues :p


Thanks again
8ball