Seeking Advice

[LostManSadFace]

I decided to seek out a public forum in which to ask my questions because it is the only place I feel I will get honest advice. I'm a 24 year old communications admin, and have been together with my fiance for 6 years (1 year engaged). We met at college and had a fiery relationship for the first 2.5 years. It was very passionate and I was a very happy camper.

She got pregnant when we were 18, and through a very hard mutual decision, we decided to end the pregnancy. Ever since then, things have not been the same. She went from being a total fiend to never wanting it at all. I feel like she has with me only to appease my needs, because I never turned off. I don't know if it's possible for a man to turn off his desires. So our passionate love making in the past has turned into a once every 6 weeks exercise in boredom. I know that there could have been some kind of psychological reaction to the abortion, but in all of my reading, I haven't found any evidence that it happens. I know it is selfish, but I don't know if I can live the rest of my life without the passion that our relationship was founded upon. The reason I've spent the last 4 years trying to spice things up, and do everything in my power to make it work, is because I love her so much. She is one in a billion, and I'm happy with her in every other way. I just have needs like any other person, and I can only take so much rejection.

What can I do?:confused:

[Rich]

Was it truly both of your decisions, or did she more go along with your decision? I'm not accusing, just asking.

There might also be a subconscious part of her thinking that maybe she doesn't want to get pregnant and maybe have to go through that again, so she is turning off to .

Maybe the consequences of what was done eats at her, or weighs heavily on her and because is what caused it, she has turned off.

I think at this point that you and her should have an open and frank talk about what has been (or not been) transpiring in your life. Don't be accusatory and put her on the defensive. Just mention that you have noticed a change since then and you're wondering what's going through her mind. Hopefully she can be honest and forthright about things.

And yes, there should be passion in a relationship. Granted that it does lessen over time in a relationship, especially when there are kids, bills and the rigors of life that wear you down. But there should still be a spark. If she's kinda just laying there waiting for you to finish, then something is up.

Talk to her and get your answers.

[LostManSadFace]

We've had quite a few discussions about it. I've tried to understand what's going on in her head being as understanding as possible. She doesn't know why she doesn't want it anymore, and feels bad that our life has suffered so much. The decision was actually hers to begin with, and I was against it. But as we looked at the logistics of raising a kid in those conditions, it just didn't make sense.
We're very open with eachother verbally, but I feel as if she isn't being completely honest with me about her true feelings. She has sort of regressed into a child in my opinion. I take care of everything we do. Cooking, a few of the cleaning tasks, paying rent, paying for food etc. She won't shop without me, won't drive anywhere without me. It's like shes living in fear all the time. I don't know how to help her.

[Rich]

If things have changed and she doesn't know why, then maybe she should seek the counseling of a professional therapist. They can help get to the bottom of why she might be doing what she's doing and feeling what she's feeling.

[LostManSadFace]

I'll suggest it. But how do I suggest it without coming off like I think she's crazy?

[eightball61]

Offer to go as couples first then after some time mention you want to go by yourself and mabe she should do the same. Also, if it is the same counselor then try to explain your situation privetly to them and they may be able to help you in getting her a private session by their opinion which she may follow.

[Scubasteve]

It sounds to me like she is suffering from a form of post traumatic stress syndrome. I got that from when you said she has regressed to a childlike state.
That is what happened to me after I got out of a VERY abusive relationship. It is a horrible thing to cope with, especially when people can be very judgemental, even resorting to making fun of the person.

I think the idea of suggesting couples counciling is excellent, if it comes from a therapist it will not be as threatening.