Personal time in relationship?

[Lamprey2]

My girl & I live together. For the most part, everything is really great: I love her to death, she loves me too. We spend all our time together basically. However, there's one snag, and I don't know whether I'm in the wrong or not.

I have a hobby: I like to play computer games. Before we were together, I'd play an hour or two each night, and on the weekends. As a single guy I went out a lot and also worked a lot (going out takes priority over video games because, frankly, it's more fun) but despite that, I'd spend an average of 20 hrs or so a week playing on the computer. Most of that on the weekends if I happened to have one free.

I do have a fairly large circle of friends, own a house, make around $100k, and I'm in my 20s. Overall, I don't think it's really affected my life much or turned me into a deadbeat, but one can't be objective in these things so I don't know and won't make a judgement.

Fast forward to now: I rarely get to play and I miss it :( I now play computer games an average of 5 hours a week or less. A few weeks ago it was nearly nothing, but two weeks ago I spent half of Sunday in front of the computer which pissed the girl off. That, in turn, pissed me off: we do live together, but I pull my weight. I've changed, or tried to change, my habits as far as putting clothing back instead of leaving it on the floor, I try to help when we clean, when it's dinnertime I help with cooking, and I'm usually the one doing the dishes. We both work so I usually get home around 7pm and we spend time together until we go to sleep, weekends we spend together. We talked about it and she tried to compromise, saying I'm allowed to spend up to 3 hours on Sunday in front of the computer. Maybe I'm nuts, but to me that's just not enough. It feels like charity, and it's no fun if I know that she resents it.

Last weekend I spent no time in front of my computer at all as we went out, cleaned the house, & went hiking. Monday night I stayed up for two hours after she went to sleep, and she did make a testy comment about it the next day. I bought a new video game today and let her know how excited I am and that I'm looking forward to spending Sunday playing it; she emailed me back saying "my day just got worse. thanks."

The bottom line is, I want personal time. I love her and I love spending time with her, but I also want time to myself doing something I like to do and always did. She, on the other hand, wants me to spend time with her and doesn't understand how I can want to be with her but not want to spend all my time together.

Am I being selfish here for wanting a 1/2 day a week to myself, or is she for wanting me to spend it all with her? How have those of you in serious relationships adjusted to this? I'd like to know if this is what happens to everyone (i.e., are all women like this) or do some allow their guy his own time? If I'm to be with her long-term, do I need to just give up & conform to her wishes because they're reasonable and I'm not? Or should I fight for personal time now, before we settle into a pattern of my not having it and it's too late to change the status quo?

[Scubasteve]

You are not being unreasonable. Take that from a woman. I think she should not get uptight if you stay up after she is asleep to play, as long as it is not affecting your life. As for the weekend thing, I am not sure, does she have hobbies? Can't she do something while you play games?
It is always possible that time can be negotiated if you want to do something together instead on Sundays.

To me it sounds as if she is being unreasonable.

[Lamprey2]

Thanks Scuba. However, I'm sure to her it doesn't sound like "I love you and like 'us' but need 'me' time too", it sounds like "I'm getting sick of you and would rather not spend time with you". So how do I communicate this so that she understands, not so that she agrees to avoid a fight but harbors resentment?

[Scubasteve]

Tell her that this is just something you need and that if she forces it away you will feel like a piece of you is being removed and how that is not fair. Ask her how she would feel if you insisted she stop doing something she enjoys.

[Howard]

You should allow free time for yourself sometimes,She shouldn't have to smother you most of the time,It should be equal.

[Rich]

Try explaining to her that it's a hobby, like playing golf, reading books, building jigsaw puzzles, building model planes, etc.

We're all entitled to our hobbies or to do things that we like. We're all individuals with differing tastes and likes. As long as you're not addicted and avoid her, then work out a compromise.

If she's not willing to compromise then there's a bigger issue here in that she doesn't respect your feelings. She feels that computer games are a waste of time and she's putting her feelings before yours. That's disrepectful.

What if you collected butterflies as a hobby and spent alot of time doing that. Would she prevent you from doing it if she didn't think that was a legitimate hobby as well? All hobbies are different.

Just work out a compromsie. Mature, loving adults should be able to do that.

[Lamprey2]

Update: we did end up working out a compromise that works for us both :)

[Rich]

So, how many pairs of shoes is she allowed to buy? lol

[Lamprey2]

So, how many pairs of shoes is she allowed to buy? lol

Haha, it didn't end at quid pro quo, actually :)

She's ok with my spending 6 hrs on a weekend alone, be it watching tv, playing computer games, whatever. We spend the rest of our free time together (unless something comes up). We usually go out together, I invite her to my outings and she invites me to hers, unless it's a boys' night which I go to alone - happens once every few weeks, nothing regular or frequent. I think that's not a bad agreement, personally - works for the both of us.

This past weekend I spent about an hour on Saturday on my own and then during the remainder of my "free time" I watched some DVDs with her (ones I like). Then on Sunday I spent maybe 3 hours by the computer. I guess what I needed to be happy was not as much alone time as the knowledge that I could have it when I felt I need it, along with the knowledge that she understands and is able to bend on it for me. I hope I'm not sounding too selfish. It also makes me a heck of a lot more willing to bend on things she wants, haha.

[Howard]

Update: we did end up working out a compromise that works for us both :)


So now You And her are on good speaking terms?

[Lamprey2]

We never got in a fight to begin with. No need to fight to change something :)

[Howard]

We never got in a fight to begin with. No need to fight to change something :)



That's fantastic,What are your plans with her to go shopping?