completely devastated

[Pamelina]

Began dating a man in Dec. Fell madly in love with him, despite all my exp and common sense. He stopped calling in January and I'm not sure why.

Here's what happened: family said don't call him because you'll look desperate, but one family member said do call for closure--just don't sound sad or desperate. But I was a mess, so I sure never could follow through with that plan.

I made the classic mistake of mentioning some kind of commitment to him on our last phone call but I didn't mean living arrangements or walking down the aisle together, I just meant--oh, I don't know what I meant now. Just to make the relationship a little
deeper, I guess.

I just feel awful. I have cried, prayed, bent people's ears about him, even consulted a psychic--everything but the direct approach. I should have called him and gotten the lowdown a long time ago or him telling me to take a hike, whatever. It's been five weeks.

One day a couple of weeks ago I saw him. I left my place and he came out of his and walked to the edge of the stairs looking at me. I just froze and then mustered up a bewildered smile and a hello. I thought that would have broken the ice but he still never called and I should just gone ahead and done so that night. But you guessed it--I didn't.

I don't know what my problem is. I have never been this passive, stupid, and confused with a man. But I am not ready to give up on him--against all that looks hopeless with this.

What do you think?

[MissCheivious]

Well, first of all, don't feel stupid. You're not stupid, just a little freaked right now. It's natural. I think every woman analyzes their relationships and their actions regarding them. I know you probably feel pretty helpless and anxious right now but you're overthinking this. So you said something about commitment! Big whoop! This is easily remedied. CALL HIM! Act like nothing is wrong. Don't even mention not calling him or how he stopped calling you and certainly don't mention the big C word. Use this initial phone call just to restablish contact. You can judge by the way he talks to you on this phone call if he'll be willing to see you again or talk again. He might be freaked out right now but once YOU act like it's no big deal, so will he. If he acts like you're bothering him or is passive, you've got your answer too. You might be embarassed at first but you can get past this. Just make sure you don't call more than once a week (if you don't get a hold of him) and if you do decide to leave a message or whatever, don't call him after that. Once you leave a message, assume he got it and don't follow up on the call. The ball will be in his court after that. Basically just be cool. Men like confidence and (to a degree) women who go after what they want. Of course, use good judgement ;) . Being too agressive or too shy can be a bad thing too. Practice what you'll say and just call him. Either way, you'll get an answer and who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised. Good luck! :)

[Pamelina]

:) Wonderful and thorough advice, there, MissChievious. Gonna try and give it my best shot.

A person just has to time the call or whatever contact right, though. Act when you get that feeling that says, "Go! do it now." I only kind of had it one nite so far in all these weeks and he wasn't even home after all. And I don't know whether or not my number showed up on caller ID or not--not sure if he has that Then I went over to someone's house to try and make it from there with a little support alongside me and that really didn't work out--too much noise and distracting stuff going on in the background. Sigh, but maybe it was for the best at that particular moment.

Thanks!

[eightball61]

Sigh, but maybe it was for the best at that particular moment.


This may be the answer and things may just not have been meant to be. Now, a lessoned learned from this is its good to listen to others and family but remember you go with your gut feeling. I have always said getting closure could do more harm than good but if you wanted to try to get things rolling again then maybe give him a call to see what he is up to or maybe invite him to coffee on night.

You also mention you saw him a few weeks back at the stairs when you came out and I am wondering if you live in the same complex?

His side of things are hard to determined and things could have freaked him out when you talked about the future but you are just seeking more than he may be. He may not be ready for that type of relationship but then if you ever get the chance to have a good talk with him about things again then just tell him that you dont want to rush things but you want the relationship to grow. If you both side different then you know its not meant to be but until then we will just never know.

[Rich]

Can you give us a little bit more information about your relationship? you said that you started dating in December and then he stopped calling in January.

All through there are the holidays and most relationships go through wierd stuff around then. Gifts, expectations and family all play a role in that wierdness.

Can you tell us about your dates, how you guys acted towards each other, how old you are, if you had any fights, how the was was (if any) and anything else that might help us to see what might have caused him not to call?

Maybe you guys just didn't click? You seemed to fall head over heels, but obviously he didn't.

A little more detail would be great.

Thanks,

Rich

[Pamelina]

Yep, he's a neighbor--two doors down. And as dogged as I've been about him and this whole friggin' thing, I am beginning to run outta steam here. A person can only carry a torch so far, you know? :rolleyes:

And on the dates he absolutely mesmerized me with his eyes. He was fantastic to kiss. (My last BF had these thin, cruel sort of looking lips and just wasn't near as appealing to me that particular way--or any way, for that matter, lol!)

The started out difficult but certainly got nicer after the first few efforts. There was some real chemistry there, I thought. And he said so and so did the psychic. Freaked out maybe he was, but I'll never get a chance to explain I just meant a nice, gentle sort of lite commitment--not hopes of walking down the aisle in 6 mos or rearranging either of our own personal lives.

Communication was hard because he was so used to his wife after umpteen years of marriage. Especially the more personal kind. I found it hard to discuss any sort of "us." Guess there just wasn't one for him.

So I guess I am flattered that he was attracted to me at least--I am older than him by a few years. Maybe he didn't really like that--although I am only 2 years older than his ex-wife.

I will sure post if there are any breakthroughs on this. Thanks for caring!

[eightball61]

There are way to many possibilities withthsi one and we could stretch it to as he may have use you or the common thing that I see is there just was never a connection. You both live rather close but act like you live 200 miles apart. If you wanted something to go again and try it out then just knock at his door. If this is just a memory you want to fade away then just let it be.

What is it that you want out of this whole thing?

I am trying to point out what you are looking for so we can help guide you into that direction.

[smackie9]

Dear Pamelina, Be patient. He may just be a little scared and not ready for a serious relationship. Things happened too fast and it could have been too much for him. It is a big change for him being single, so don't push him. Stay in his life, but give him a little space to adjust to his new way of life.