please help

[holdembert]

my wife and i have been together for over 20 years, we have 2 sons 15 and 18 years old.
here is my problem, my wife has been working 15/16 hours a day, well last night she called to say she woukd be home late, because of a celebration dinner (they won a national award for production) (she is a salaried supervisor)
when she got home at 10:30pm i told her that we needed to talk.

my problem is that she is being overworked. she did not like to hear that, she said that i don't understand her job and that she has to be there to do all of the paper work at the end of each shift, and that if anything ever happened to me she could survive. she also said that if she came home after 8 hours she wouldn't be doing anything anyway, we do all of the cleaning and cooking it seems all she does is come home eats sleeps then goes back to work. she even offered to sign divorce papers if thats what i wanted, it feels to me that i don't have a marriage anymore. please help.

[eightball61]

she also said that if she came home after 8 hours she wouldn't be doing anything anyway, .


This right here is a red flag to me about how much of a denicated worker she is to the job. Sure most people work 8-10 hours a day but when you are in a salaried or managment field you are required to stay till the work is done but with this quote above it shows me that she doesn't have to stay. She chooses to stay out of goodwill. I can see why you have a problem here and I am very unsure on how to correct.

I put it in those terms because she has to change and be willing to come home more to be with the family. Many marriage after time to fall because when children or work gets involved then its just like your married partner just becomes someone that you live with....sorta like a roommate. Maybe you both need to get the spark going again but then the only real way to get that accomplished is with her help. You can try marriage counseling or maybe some of the other personal thing like a few times have a nice dinner for her when she get home and/or denicate time to eachother to share every night.

You both need to have a more indeth talk and maybe making the nice dinner one night and after when you both spend alone time you come out with your thoughts on regaining what may be lost.

[inquisitive]

I'm sorry for your heartache, but is there something else going on that would make her want a divorce? That seems quite a drastic reaction to you wanting her to work less, and be home more!

[Rich]

IMO there's so much more that can be said about your marriage in regards to how those 20 years have been lived, that it's hard at this point to say what you can do.

How was your marriage over that time? Was it loving? Did you do things together? Was her life just all about the kids (not really with you) and now that her kids are grown she has nothing to do? Was she not happy but just stayed married to you for the kids sake and now that they're grown she'd rather have out?

There are so many questions and it's only going to be some solid and honest reflection on your part as to why you are where you're at. Be honest with yourself as to what happened over the years and why.

Maybe you and you wife need to go away to a retreat somewhere and come to some honest conclusions about your marriage and where it's to go from here. Her work is an excuse to not be home because there's no reason for her to be there. There's nothing at home for her to want to be there and you have to ask her why that is.

Maybe if you can honestly fill us in on how your marriage was, we can help you a bit further.

The bottom line is that both people in a marriage need to want to make it work and right now your wife is more apt to toss it aside. You need to ask her if she really wants to end it or if she wants to try to work it out. If she wants to work it out, then go away and really talk.

If she doesn't, then ask her to be honest in why she doesn't so that you don't have regrets or questions. After 20 years she at least can do that for you.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[smackie9]

She's a workaholic. Mostly you hear that it's the husband working long hours. Instead of protesting, why not ask her, what is she getting out of this? Is she working towards an early retirement? A better lifestyle? Sit down and just tell her you are concerned and not angry with her. Let her open up.