Smothering?

[Scubasteve]

Here is the low down. My mother asked me to post this for her to see if she is being unreasonable.

My father tends to be quite clingy with my mother. Every time she gets up off the couch in the evenings she gets asked where she is going. If she is in the shower too long then he stands outside the door and asks her what she is doing.
He won't leave her alone in the kitchen so that she can work on making supper without harrassing her. He insists that he is helping but he is just making her stressed. She begs him to give her room but he just won't.

They see each other every single day without fail and spend every evening together. My mother can't go shopping on the weekends, either alone or with my sister or me without him tagging along. When he does come along he makes her cut it short by hanging around and looking bored.

He has no outside interests other then my mother. She is beginning to feel very smothered and as if she cannot pursue things that interest her because he feels he will be left out.
She has spoken to him about it and it just gets too heated to continue with the discussion.

I have even spoken to him but he just kept saying that he did not get married to spend time alone. He says a relationship is not about that and he wants to be with her. He said he is getting older and wants to spend as much time with her as he can. What he is not getting is that it is not quality time.

My mother says she just feels like running away.

Thoughts?

[Karma]

In the past I've brought a boyfriend (2) tickets to something I thought might intrest him and told him that he had to take somebody & not me. This way while he's out she can get some me time.

She can also give him a project.. Build something, fix somethingl, clean something. This way everytime she feels he is being clingy just ask him... how's _________ coming along? did you finish well go work on it.

Or she can get involved in something she know he won't like to do.

Good luck to her.

[saveme]

Maybe you or someone should talk to your father? If this is a new trend there may be something wrong or he is afraid of something happening. By him saying that he wants to spend as much time with her as he can indicates to me that there is reason for him to believe that he will not be able to do so at some point.

I would have someone other than your mother talk to him about the situation and make sure things are ok. Maybe this will help him see what he is doing from someone elses point of view.

Hope things work out!

[Scubasteve]

The thing is my father has not hobbies or interests other then my mother. If she gets something that interests her he guilts her into dropping it or not doing it over the weekends.

I have spoken to him but he is being pretty bull headed about it. He is just so stubborn.

What I am looking for is for people to confirm that the situation is not healthy. That way he can see it from others.

[eightball61]

What I am looking for is for people to confirm that the situation is not healthy. That way he can see it from others.

Why? How does that help your mother out?

You orginally said "My mother asked me to post this for her to see if she is being unreasonable"

I thought your mother wanted to know if it she was being unreasonable not you looking to see if it's un healthy.


Your father is who he is. If he was this way from the start of the relationship then it's your mothers fault for not ignoring this side. If throughout the years he's developed this side then they may need profession help to better the marriage to where it once was. If this has been developng through the years it's going to take just as long to get him out of it but that won't happen until he see's your mothers side.

Goodluck to your mother and I hope it works out. The best you can do is be there for the venting sessions. Also, you really shouldn't butt into their personal side of the marriage either. Yes, your their daughter but it's none of your business...it should be left to a professional to help them out. & as you see anyway your talk didn't help.

[Scubasteve]

Why? How does that help your mother out?

You orginally said "My mother asked me to post this for her to see if she is being unreasonable"

I thought your mother wanted to know if it she was being unreasonable not you looking to see if it's un healthy.


Your father is who he is. If he was this way from the start of the relationship then it's your mothers fault for not ignoring this side. If throughout the years he's developed this side then they may need profession help to better the marriage to where it once was. If this has been developng through the years it's going to take just as long to get him out of it but that won't happen until he see's your mothers side.

Goodluck to your mother and I hope it works out. The best you can do is be there for the venting sessions. Also, you really shouldn't butt into their personal side of the marriage either. Yes, your their daughter but it's none of your business...it should be left to a professional to help them out. & as you see anyway your talk didn't help.

1) Because my father is stubborn and will only accept things if there are more then one or two opinions on it.

2) She asked me to post this because she is not as computer savy as she feels she should be and would battle on a forum. Things have developed and she now knows she is not being unreasonable.

3) My father has not always been like this. Things are getting worse and this will destroy their marrige if it continues.

4) Butt in? Excuse me? My mother has come to me in tears asking for help. I have tried numerous ways, including talking to my father about it. I came here to get opinions, the reason? See number 1.

Eightball, please keep your personal feelings about me out of this and deal with this as if it were my mother posting.

[eightball61]

Eightball, please keep your personal feelings about me out of this and deal with this as if it were my mother posting.


I'm sorry to hear you feel this way however I don't have any personal opinions about you. You feel this way because I have bunch up all your posts together(as I've to others in the past) and responded with my thoughts you didn't care to hear. Here, I responded as if I would to anyone. Just like if my parents came to be I'd be there as a shoulder to cry on and offer advice(i.e. seek professional help). Remember you're no doctor(neither are we) and your talks will not change him(as you see). You may be close to your family however this is not something you can fix.

[Scubasteve]

Sigh! You are not getting it.
My father sees no NEED for it. He thinks what he is doing is ok. I need people to read the issue, and say whether they think what he is doing is ok or not!!!!

[smackie9]

I hear ya scuba......this is the reason why so many people their age end up getting divorced. Too old and stubborn to change.

[eightball61]

I need people to read the issue, and say whether they think what he is doing is ok or not!!!!


Obvious it's not ok however this is the state of mind he has fallen into. There has to be a deeper issue to why it got him here & this is why I am mentioning no one here nor you can to anything to open his mind. The only one that can is he. I do get it however pointing out the true fact that something over time got him to this point that only can be defined through marriage therapy. It could have been he has given up on something/life, a routine he fell into, something your mother has done, ect. It can be anything and fingers can't be pointed to anyone because the past is the past.

If your mother fears divorce is in the picture then this is the point where she can't beat around the bush to him. She needs to be honest and tell him she unhappy about the marriage and wants to seek help. This isn't something couples want to hear but it's the truth and the truth can hurt however it also has it's benefits of opening a persons mind.

Please keep in mind I'm not trying to battle you here. I'm answering as if I would to a new poster. You can call me hard headed if you like however as to anyone else I'm just trying to offer a helping hand with a realistic approach.

[Scubasteve]

Thank you eightball, you have finally answered my question instead of trying to belittle me.

[dmitch77]

Do you know BOTH sides? Perhaps your father is weary of your mother cheating on him and that is why he is being so clingy...that would explain why he asks what she is doing all the time...ie. being in the shower for a lengthy period of time etc... Perhaps he is so desperate for the "quality" time that you were speaking of and doesn't know exactly how to go about getting it that any time with her, to him, is quality time. Not to say that anything he is doing is right or wrong because I don't know both sides of the story, his point of view and your mothers, I am only hearing what YOU are saying, not what THEY are BOTH saying. I think that they do need marriage counseling and that your father needs to figure out something he enjoys OTHER than spending all of his time being a leech to your mother, but they clearly need to work on their relationship to bring back the spark of feeling like their time spent together is "quality" time, at least on your mother's part.

Don't forget, the more stand-offish your mother gets with your father, the more clingy he will become in fear that if he stops clinging to her that they will grow even more distant apart and he obviously doesn't realize that he is in fact encouraging the distance by clinging to her so closely. You and your mother need to both understand your father as well and not make him out to be the "perpetrator". People generally have reasons for their behaviors and perhaps your father just needs to get it out, maybe you should encourage him into marriage counseling with your mother and perhaps some counseling of his own to help him free himself of his emotional baggage.

But as everyone has stated, we are not professionals, so please take everything that we say with a grain of salt. The ONLY people that I would take legitimate advice from would be a professional. Good luck and I hope everything works out :)

[Scubasteve]

Do you know BOTH sides? Perhaps your father is weary of your mother cheating on him and that is why he is being so clingy...

Excuse the f*ck out of me! My mother has NEVER cheated on my father. :eek:

[eightball61]

Scubasteve,

dmitch77 never claimed your mother cheated. dmitch77 mentioned your father may be weary or in other words may fear she may have or will. This is an insecurity issue not a claim that it happen. dmitch77, offered a point of view not an actual claim with facts. Everything we offer as advice on the boards is from a personal point of view so there's no need to act sooo defensive. On the the flip side, if your mother has cheated hwo would you know vs. not know? That's not something parents typically share with their children.

[Scubasteve]

Firstly, read what he said, secondly, you don't know my family situation. My mother is the most honest person I know. My father knows for a fact she has never, and would never, cheat on him.

[eightball61]

You're right however you posted about them for a view and opinions are welcomed.

Of course, family would be considered the most honest people to their children however even though you know them you don't know them by their every moves and/or thoughts. Family comes as the most honest people and that's why when you hear something tragic on the news the family members speak out saying"he/she would never do a thing like this".

I'm not accusing anyone in your family for cheating. I'm simply stating they appear to you one way when in reality they can be a whole different person. For example, I take my parents to be very honest people and never dreamed on one cheating on the other but it happened. They kept it hidden but I found out by an unmarked tape that I saw.

In conclusion, people can appear to be who they are but the question always stands is that who they really are...It's a judgment call not factual.

[Scubasteve]

My mother tells me everything. End of story.

[eightball61]

My mother tells me everything. End of story.

& my mother & father did too but some stuff is their stuff. I see you're still in fantasy land and one day you'll be welcomed to reality but until then good luck to you :)

[Scubasteve]

Thanks for all your invauable advice Mr Know It All.

[eightball61]

Glad to be a help as usual ;)

[eightball61]

Question?

Why is it that when you ask a question that you always get defensive about responses(not just mine). You're looking for advice/opinions but then you can't accept anothers opinion nor advice. You came here, remember??? Why agrue?? Life is too short. You should try to put a smile on your face once in a while.

[Scubasteve]

I argued over the asumption that my mother cheats. I argued with you because you were clearly baiting.
I do not argue with the mature members of this board. I don't come here much anymore because they are far and few between.

[eightball61]

I don't come here much anymore because they are far and few between.

Exactly, you're not hearing what you want to hear & that's why you have choosing this path. There's a lot of great members here that post & respond. Weekly we see new members choosing this board because they like what they read....Realistic advice.

Battles between us only have occurred because of you knocking other posters and as well just not getting it. If want to down the maturity level of these boards you need to look at yourself as a clear example. Again, you get angry because you're not getting what you want in which it ticks you off & as well you've put down another poster because of spelling issues. Is that maturity???

Come on really it's time to grow up and stop blaming others for your faults. I mean has it ever occurred to you to why the other regulars no longer try to help you??? Think about that one real hard!!! I still respond to you and others because I like to "try" to help. I'm byfar a professional but people that come here just want an honest opinion and maybe a shoulder to cry on so it's not fair to them to be ignored.

[Scubasteve]

Eightball, worry about others.

By the way, it is the INTERNET! I do not get angry, upset, emotional about you at all. You do not exist in my life.

[dmitch77]

Scubasteve, you humor me. First of all, if you had actually read my post and were able to understand it then you should have clearly and easily been able to depict the fact that as eightball stated, I was never accusing your mother of cheating on your father, I was merely suggesting reasons for his, as I believe you said, recent behavioral changes, which whether or not you want to believe that people in fact DO have reasons for sudden or drastic behavioral changes. From the way you are writing it is clear to see that he has not been like this for very long or at least their entire relationship. Just curious as I don't recall you posting or not, but how old are you anyway? No offense to you but your actions and the way you speak on here would suggest you're between 15-17 years of age, if that is true then you clearly have no room to talk when it comes to relationships, and I am just going to say anyway that from the way you talk you have absolutely no real experience as far as mature relationships are concerned. So when you come on the internet asking questions to human-beings where most of the people on here who are offering advice have experience with mature relationships then you need to not get so defensive about what people are saying and you need to perhaps start jotting down some of these people's advice.

The thing that has been MOST suggested on here is for your parents to get into marriage counseling and to leave YOU and any other outside friends or family out of their relationship, by not doing so your mother is only making the relationship worse, not better. These forums are not for immature kids to come on and ask a question of whether or not your mommy is vindicated or wrong in her way of thinking about your father, that is NOT for any of us, nor you to decide, humans do not have the right to judge others, that is the job for only one being in this universe and that is God.

So stop it with your childish ranting and raving, go tell your mommy that you think that she and your father should get into marriage counseling, where your mother and father will be able to let one another know each other's problems they have with one another and so on and so forth and the counselor will give them guidance and help as to how they need to go about dealing with THEIR issues amongst themselves with absolutely NO outside interference, including you. (a marriage is between 1 man and 1 woman, NOBODY ELSE!!!!)

One day, when you fall in love and get married and so on and so forth you might actually grow a brain (as far as relationships are concerned, not demeaning your intelligence) and realize that we are all offering helpful advice to you that not only will help you with letting your mom know what she should do with your father (marriage counseling and MANY places including churches offer it for free) but also you can learn a lot from the people here for your own relationship needs/problems.

Take care and I hope the best for you and your parents.

[eightball61]

You're wrong about that because you do get angry. Review you past replies not only to me but others as well. Yes, words can mean differ to a reader however when you use specific anger language(I'm mature enough not to quote as it against the sites rules) that you have it clearly shows your state of mind.

Also, as you quote "You do not exist in my life" clearly shows the immaturity side to yourself because again as you qoute "it is the INTERNET" & I shouldn't even be a matter to you, right? Right!!!

[Scubasteve]

Nope, not angry. I did in the past become angry at your pettiness, but I have realised that you do not exist so therefore do not matter.

[eightball61]

Then why do you keep responding if I don't matter???

See you just don't get & sad to say you never will unless something tragic happens in your life and then maybe you'll realize what reality vs. fantasy is. If you can't handle reality then why ask??? We can't help those that won't help themselves.

You're the type that spends life with their mouth closed and allows others to walk all over them but when it comes time to a little place called the internet you let it all out. Shake your head no but I know because you remind me of myself a few years back & I'm open to admit it. I've always kept my mouth closed because I thought it would better things overall but then with the help of these boards & people around me it all helped me realized that I need to face reality to move along in life.

Call me bashing you but in reality I'm trying to help you realize what I take from your words as an outsider.

[eightball61]

Your silence reveals the truth & this is why you should have never stopped seeing a professional. Seeing the professional was not only to help your relationship but also to better yourself too. Call me Mr. Know-It-All as you have before but I believe you need to replace the Mr. with Mrs. Know-It-All for yourself.

This is what I mean, when your trapped in a corner you duck to the ground so you don't have to face whats blocking you. You have every right not to listen to me or even us here however as you recall you came to us...So why did come anyway??? Were you hoping someone can relate to you and sob with you??? How do you get resolution/help out of that???

Having one that you can relate to can help you out somewhat however this is your situation and that was there's. Every situation is different even if they relate the outcome will always be different. This is why when your having an problem they tell you to face it because putting it on the back burner only allows it to stay around longer.

Good Luck :)

[Scubasteve]

You ask why I keep responding then get upset when I don't? Mmmmmmmm
Strange. LOL!

You could not be more wrong about my personality. But then again, I should not tell you that, seeing as you know me. LOL! Silly man!

[eightball61]

I am a silly man infact if you knew me better then you'd also agree as well.:) I simply responded to you in not responding to me because you always say "you don't matter to me" or "I'm no longer replying to you" but then you do. Usually when someone makes a statement like that they stick to it but for some reason I do get to you. You may say I don't but infact I do because if I didn't then why do you still reply???

Your actions speak for themself. Sorry but I state the facts and that's why you can't stand me. You live in fantasy land with your boyfriend and aswell as your family. You guys ignore and hide the truth when it's spoken to you. You can say that's not true but again I will state the facts...You boyfriend lies about his love to cover something hoping it will brush you back, your mother can't make a stand to her own husband, & you ignore facts when brought to you here like when calling us immature and I pointed out your immaturity faults as well especially lashing at members about grammer errors.

I'm at lost now!!! What is it that you want from us??? Remember you came here for help but then you present to us that you know it all and you have taken all matters into your own hands like stop seeing a professional. Generally when someone ask for help they hear out the opinions...some they like some they don't however they try to take in bits of the advice to help better that situation. Have you done that??? From what I take you haven't so again what is it that you want??? You ask us but then you don't want to hear it??? & if you say that you do hear it then why always fight everyone??? You do and the facts are in your responses in all your threads....Read for yourself.

[Scubasteve]

I never said I would not reply to you in this thread. LOL!

What I was looking for was an objective opinion, not a thread for you to bash me in. I have in fact matured a hell of a lot in the past few months and will concede to my errors. But as for living in fantasy land, nope. Sorry, I don't.

If you want to have a thread to bash me, why not make one. It won't bother me in the slightest. I just got tired of you tarnishing, what was for me, a very important thread. I have received advice from two other very good forums on this topic. I now know to leave this forum alone because you can't wait to have a go at me.

If it makes you happy hun, go ahead! I am glad I add some spark to your life. ;)

[eightball61]

I never said I would not reply to you in this thread. LOL!


This thread or another thread doesn't make any difference. Overall you made it blunt that you will no longer respond to me. In reality(key word) that means from that point and on foward. That's not from my personal point-of-view...that's the logics of your statement.

What I was looking for was an objective opinion, not a thread for you to bash me in. I have in fact matured a hell of a lot in the past few months and will concede to my errors. But as for living in fantasy land, nope. Sorry, I don't.

Please point out for me(so I can better understand) where that I have bashed you? Keep in my stating facts to you about you that you've mentioned to us here don't count, personal opinions to facts don't count as well, responding back to you after being bashed first doesn't count, and standing up for other posters here on the boards don't count.

What I'm looking for is direct qoutes from me to you. In other words, like if I ever called you an idiot(which i never have and never will) for no reason that would count.


If you want to have a thread to bash me, why not make one. I don't go that low but thank you for the offer.


I have in fact matured a hell of a lot in the past few months and will concede to my errors.

Where??? Don't you recall this post just a few days ago directly from you to another poster "Excuse the f*ck out of me! My mother has NEVER cheated on my father"???

This person was new to the forums and just offering her/his point of view and opinion. They never directly called your mother a cheater. The key phrase was "Perhaps your father is weary of your mother cheating on him and that is why he is being so clingy".

Never did once the poster make a solid claim & you blew off with your quote "Excuse the f*ck out of me! My mother has NEVER cheated on my father"


If it makes you happy hun, go ahead! I am glad I add some spark to your life. ;) [/QUOTE]

My spark is to try to help people.

[smackie9]

Wow this has been quite entertaining.......more entertaining than the hate mail I get from time to time hahahaha!

[eightball61]

You get hate mail??? I'm sooo jealous!!! lol

[Scubasteve]

Glad a distressing situation that has caused my mother loads of grief could have turned into something so entertaining.

It has been uncovered that my father is in the early stages of Alzheimers. Hence his strange behaviour.

Take all the shots you want at me now eightball. Tell me my reality is blurred. I hope nothing like this EVER happens to someone you love.

[dmitch77]

Scubasteve...no offense, but you seem like an attention-seeking teenager, much like how an "emo" acts, lol. It is funny that all of a sudden it is "uncovered" that your father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. First of all and no offense to you, in the short period of time that all of this has come up, I am guessing that something like that would only be a medical "suggestion". There is usually quite a bit of medical testing that has to take place before they can just say..."You have Alzheimer's" ie...cat scans etc... Anyhow, if indeed you are telling the truth it will then prove what I was saying that there IS a reason for you father acting the way he is and that it proves what I said about there always being a reason for drastic changes in social behavior patterns.

For some reason though I just get this feeling that you might be making a lot of this up to gain attention for yourself, my bad if I'm wrong, but your behavior is leaning more towards the attention-starved person.

Good luck with everything and I hope everything works out for you and your parents!

[Scubasteve]

I do not need attention from this board thank you. I came here after a long absence at my mothers request to get opinions. My father has been under the care of a cardiologist for the past year and a half for his heart problems. The cardiologist sent him to a physician two months ago.

The physician has been conducting various tests because of some of the things that my father mentioned to him. We found out on Friday that it is indeed what we feared the most.

Oh, by the way, I am 27. Hardly a teenager.
Thank you for the well wishes.

[dmitch77]

27? Wow, you should really try acting your age more often then, no offense. What you feared most?!?!? So are you really telling us that you guys had an idea that your father might have this disease and that he has health problems and you SERIOUSLY came onto a relationship forum to ask questions about your father's clingy behavior towards your mother?!?!? Heart problems??? Maybe he's afraid of dying and trying to spend as much time with your mother as he can...it sounds to me (if everything you are saying is true) that you and your mother are completely against your father for some reason, you guys are more F'd up than any of us thought in the fact that in light of all of your father's "health" and "mental" problems that you are on here trying to say that your father is doing all of these "wrong" things to your mother and it's driving her crazy!

You and your mother need to be MORE understanding and supportive of your father, you guys need to help him...

But I'm still going to stick by what I said, I think you are making all of this up, your story is completely incoherent, makes absolutely no sense at all, new things keep being introduced. My personal opinion, YOU have mental issues, and perhaps you should see a doctor, I'm not trying to offend you...I'm only being honest and I'm sorry if you get offended by that, but then people only get offended by the truth right?

[Scubasteve]

Thanks for your support at this difficult time dmitch77. Again, I hope nothing like this ever happens to you and your family.

[dmitch77]

You go from wanting to know if your father's behavior is wrong or right to wanting support? As you said, you guys knew about this months ago, and WE need to be the supporting ones? YOU and YOUR mother should be supporting your father, rather than being on here arguing with people. IF it were my family and I was YOUR mother, I would be spending every waking minute with your father and you as well. I'm done with these childish mind-games Scuba...

I STILL think you're lying and I STILL think you an attention-starved person who deeply needs some help from a professional, perhaps counseling, medication, a psych evaluation?!?

[eightball61]

Take all the shots you want at me now eightball. Tell me my reality is blurred. I hope nothing like this EVER happens to someone you love.


Scuba, you always say I take shots at you but then you haven't been able to prove that I down you for no reason on these boards. The only shots I so-called take is throwing the reality of what you tell us back at you. I've never once downed you out of the blue. I've only taken shots when being downed myself by you, you putting others down, ect...

This isn't a game but I want you to realize the reality of that's not who I am. Everytime I tell you to prove something you can't....You totally ignore it & lash back with either "I hope your happy" or "you don't exists". Again, it's like when you’re backed in a corner you find the easiest way out instead of facing reality.

Now you've found through a physician that you father IS ill & to be honest I quite sadden to hear. My great grandmother went through this and it was sad so I again I know where you're coming from. I'm not going to lash you because you or even a family member is ill. I will through give you a reality outlook if I find in your wording that your mind is being blocked.

We're all here to help and guide...not to lash out just because of the sake of doing it. You even said that you've received better advice from other boards but then you keep coming back here. There's something about this board that draws you in. Deep down you know it but you can't see it yet. One day you'll soon realize that we are truly here to help.

We're here for you & your family :)

[smackie9]

Ok my turn......it was me who said I found it entertaining. Entertaining because of you two bantering at each other and not the topic at hand. If you read my comment you will see that there is no mention of your parents situation. I see you get easily offended and make the comment to be a insult to you. You spend a lot of time turning comments around and go out of your way to try to make that person look bad.

My advice to you is to just be supportive to your mom AND dad. And to stay out of your parents affairs. You pick sides and act like a school girl. Getting too involved with your parents marital problems is causing more damage than you will ever know. Just be a shoulder to cry on.

Now that your dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She should go to proper counseling on how to deal with this disease. There is also plenty of info on the internet. Knowledge is power. Here is a great site that gives advice on how to care for someone with Alzheimer's http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/alzheimers/AZ00026 At the bottom of the page there are other links that will be helpful.

[eightball61]

I STILL think you an attention-starved person who deeply needs some help from a professional, perhaps counseling, medication, a psych evaluation?!?


She was in therapy for her current relationship. It first started out as individual therapy then moved to couples therapy. Last I knew, they were in couples therapy and her individual therapist basically showed her the door with a bottle of anti-depressants.

To get full insight you should also catch up on her thread title "ouch". This should clear up some unanswered questions that you may have.

Hope this helps. :)