What hurts most

[Pamelina]

This neighbor I had an "affair" with doesn't seem to want to be friends or even particularly friendly.

Friday I was leaving and he went to the mailbox avoiding me like. And Sat he arrived home in his truck and I was taking garbage out. His "you don't exist" attitude so upset me that I decided to just go back inside my place til he was in his. Well, then I got the garbage stuck in between the door and the screen door and it spilled. :(

I am so uncomfortable and hurt over this. I don't want to move, tho--that seems a bit extreme and I am awful busy rite now, so it would just be too much to even think about.

Here I was dating and intimate with this person and now he has decided I am nobody--an unperson. If I didn't have the calender and lotion he bought me, I swear, I would think I musta hallucinated the whole relationship. There's just an unreality about the whole crummy exp.

I know our relationship had some difficulties: I am a nite person and he is very much a morning and day person; I'm a planner and he was very spontaneous; he has an awful ex-wife that I felt skittish about and he has to see her regularly for visits with their son--and he was always talking about her problems--made me worry and wonder why; I'm a computer person and he does nothing at all with computers, etc. And I was online various times when he tried to call and on toppa that I told him to call before he came over :o (because I have a biz in my home making stuff I sell and it's intense and can't be interrupted at certain crucial moments). So I guess the whole blessed thing just didn't work. But I think we could have set it up better--figured out a little schedule for when we were both free.

I have never been treated this way--not for a really long time. (Had basically a one-nite-stand 12 years ago that I was so hoping would work out and it didn't--but I only went out with that person 2.5 times and he live kind of far away from me, besides. That I can understand.) Every other relationship I've had end always did so in a much more gradual, predictable way. And I had some kind of a voice in things.

I just wish I had called him weeks ago to ask for some clarification--but I didn't. I couldn't have made it easier for this person to pick me up and then drop me if I tried. This I can't explain either. :confused:

[MissCheivious]

Awww...you didn't do anything wrong. The worst thing you did was like someone who seems like an assh*ole. ;) I'm sure he's a perfectly lovely man but I think anyone who acts like someone doesn't exist has some emotional problems. Think of it like this, at least you weren't dating him for say a year and then he acted like this. That would've sucked but it would've hurt much more. Don't make excuses about how you guys are too different. Something drew you two together initially. Nine times out of ten, men don't want to change their habits, whatever they may be. I swear, I think they fear change (in fact, one ex of mine said that!). Everytime you see him, say hi. It's not a desperate attempt to make contact with him, you're being the bigger person here and not playing some high school game like him. If he doesn't say hi back, don't worry about it and walk on. The best thing you can do is appear happy. Everyone wants to be around a happy, positive person. Even if you have to fake it for now, do it! There's a saying that I kinda go by (and I totally stole this from Janice inson :p ), "Fake it 'til you make it". It's simple and you can do it. :)

[Pamelina]

Thanks mc, I don't know--I think he cannot stand me. And it seems I'll be the only one saying hi to empty air.

I have to go in and out of my apt and I am not stealing up the back stairs like some kind of g'damned thief just so I won't walk six friggin' feet away from his door.

This is just gawdawful and I am even more hurt now tonite. I'm gonna talk to the manager here about this awkward sitch from hell--she and I are kind of friendly. Maybe she can say something like, "Pamelina feels bad and just wants you to know..." whatever. But that probably won't help either if he's got it in his mind that I don't deserve s***.

I never had anyone despise me and act like I was garbage simply for going out with them and then they up and decided never to call again without any real semblence of closure.

I am just miserable sitting here typing this. What a disaster this relationship ended up being.

[MissCheivious]

Oh God! Don't have your manager say anything about you! That will look weird. Look, if you really think he can't stand you, consider it his loss. If he got so worked up about one little thing you said and then acts like this, would you really want to be with someone like that? I know you had the best intentions going in but sometimes (and I hate to say this), some people are just jerkoffs. Plain and simple. If he's all uppity to you, he's going out of his way to make sure you know he doesn't like you which can only mean one thing, he's silently begging you to talk to him so A). He can shoot you down or B). Get you to come to him so HE doesn't look like a jackass. Either way, rise above it. He sounds way too complicated! SERIOUSLY! After like a month or so he acts like this? Run for the hills, woman and don't look back! Go out and have fun! Who cares if you have to walk by his place to get out. Don't mess up your rountine to please him. That sounds like what he wants. He wants to affect you. Don't let him! Take my word on this, he only wants a reaction out of you and that act, in and of itself sounds lame. He's a game player (who isn't! :rolleyes: ) so either play his game and possibly get back with him or run!

[eightball61]

I have never been treated this way--not for a really long time. :


Right..and this is why its so hard to let go. You mind has not yet been able to accept that you may have been played or not. You mention about the affair and this is why I know think its best you have to just try to see some of the positves or maybe write some down to keep you reminded. The other thing that makes it hard it that he livesz next to you and you can't beleive that you both dont talk that much being so close. You have to try to trick you mind to accept that this wasn't meant to be. As I said it will be hard to get over with all these flaws like him living close to you but this is a test to see how strong of a person you are. You just need to learn to move on and maybe take things slower next relationship so you can see what that guy is all about.

[Pamelina]

Oh, I know you're right about being really cautious, eightball, and taking things slower next time. Actually, I'm not the one who put the pedal to the floor with this--he did. I was sick for a week after our first date and he still expected to see me--I had to say I just can't! It was almost as if he wanted to travel thru it and make the conquest as rapidly as poss. So I wasn't a person, I was an experience.

I hate being rushed, too. No one should push and apply pressure about anything to a new friend. But lemme just say this, some men do the most clumsy things in relationships because have never learned any different. No one expects or teaches them otherwise and they get to be aggressive and like a bull in a farking china shop their whole lives-- simply because they are men.

And mc, the only reason I thought of telling my manager is because I've been here almost 7 years and she's almost like a den mother. But I won't ask her to talk to him--that would fall flat anyway I'm sure.

But I don't want to change my routine anymore. Imagine a person carrying something heavy having to take the longer way into their apt? Forget it.

Another thing I could do is leave a tell-off message on his answering machine just to say what I think but that sounds kind of stressful to me rite now. Like another difficult hurdle to go through. And who's to say he'd even listen to the whole speech? Might cut it off soon as he heard my voice.

[eightball61]

Another thing I could do is leave a tell-off message on his answering machine just to say what I think but that sounds kind of stressful to me rite now. Like another difficult hurdle to go through. And who's to say he'd even listen to the whole speech? Might cut it off soon as he heard my voice.

One way or another you may be wasting your breath on this. As I stated in your past post if you wanted to talk to him then go knock at his door. On the flipside though you know the route I am gearing you to take. Its a tough one but some love is just not meant to be. This is th whole game of relationships..."most you lose out and at least once you win". That one time you win we call that the lifelong partner.

Basically, he became just another guy you tried somethign with but didn't work out. Don't give up on this though and go out there and look for the man you have dreamed about. Every male is not the same but as long as your cautious and lay your cards right then after a few dates, a**holes, or whatever you may find that lucky man. Its not an easy process but some fit us and some don't...the key is though not to give up hope :D

[Pamelina]

Agreed. :)

But I do think the waste of breath would not be on my own self for finally venting--just on him and his limited, rather mean little mind.

Thanx!

[beesting]

Hi, Pam,

I was looking for your post and I finally found it... so here goes...

For me, when I have something that doesn't seem settled in my head or my heart, I have to do something about it. Again, you don't have to do this, but I am just sharing a piece of advice from my perspective/ and or experience. For example, if there was something I feel that I needed to straighten out or even attempt one last time to try and salvage something of a relationship, like friendship, I will still try to comfront that person... I don't know you as a person, however, to me many of us go through a process when we all need closure... I think if that one last attempt has not been made, we would always wonder "what if's". Whatever you do decide, Pam, I hope it is what you felt was best for you to do... Good luck! Keep us posted!

[MissCheivious]

I agree with beesting on this. It's all about closure. Everyone needs it. I almost think women need it more than men. :p I totally understand that but, in some cases (and this might be one), you get no closure or any explanation as to why someone changed for the worse. It's frustrating at best when something like that happens. The best thing I can tell you to do is just go on about your life and maybe the chance will present itself to talk to him. After awhile, he'll start to feel really stupid for acting the way he is right now. That's a guarantee. When your ego gets in the way, it usually takes a bit more time for good sense to prevail. If you can (and if you're ready), go out on a date. Make sure he knows you're going on a date somehow. Bring the guy to your house or have him pick you up just make sure Mr No Talk sees it. It sounds petty but hey, I'm a petty girl! ;) No one is above jealousy and if he sees you going out and having fun, that will jolt him. I'm not saying it might make him talk to you or want to get back together but, it's enough to make the cogs in his brain start turning and see that you're over him and his childish ways. Who knows, on this date, you might end up liking the guy and you'll forget all about your neighbor. It's just a thought. If it's not your style, don't do it. If you do, make sure you're not obvious about it (I know you won't be ;) ). If anything, that bit of revenge will be fun and though it's not closure, it's fun to make someone who's made you miserable squirm just a bit. :)

[Pamelina]

If you can (and if you're ready), go out on a date. Make sure he knows you're going on a date somehow. Bring the guy to your house or have him pick you up just make sure Mr No Talk sees it. It sounds petty but hey, I'm a petty girl! ;) No one is above jealousy and if he sees you going out and having fun, that will jolt him. I'm not saying it might make him talk to you or want to get back together but, it's enough to make the cogs in his brain start turning and see that you're over him and his childish ways. Who knows, on this date, you might end up liking the guy and you'll forget all about your neighbor. It's just a thought. If it's not your style, don't do it. If you do, make sure you're not obvious about it (I know you won't be ;) ). If anything, that bit of revenge will be fun and though it's not closure, it's fun to make someone who's made you miserable squirm just a bit. :)[/QUOTE]

Oh, it's my style--glad to see somebody else whose mind travels this way!! :D But finding somebody to "fill the position," if you will, is another matter, mc. I have run into some of the worst bachelors in this city at bars and churches, etc.--very good reasons why they're alone and available. The kind of thing where you finally excuse yourself to visit the ladies' room and you leave the building--practically peeling out of the parking lot in relief!

And my ex-husband is not an option--too needy and too far away, anyway.

[MissCheivious]

I must admit, I'm pretty good at doling out advice just like this to someone else but, when it comes to my own love life (or lack thereof), I stink! I'm having trouble "filling the position" too and it's a crappy situation to be in because you want to do something but there's not much you can do. My only advice is guess is to just go out with ANYONE! lol Not very good advice but there it is. If I could, I'd do the same thing but then again, I'd be thinking of my ex the entire time and how fun is that for someone to deal with? :rolleyes: I don't know what else to suggest and saying you just need to move on is trite. If we could move on, we'd all have done so by now. The heart is a weird thing, I tell ya! Logically, you know that closure isn't something you might ever attain but the drive part of the brain (which has no logic, ironically enough), just keeps telling you to go and pursue this. I think misery is a big factor too because if you think you could just do this one more thing, you won't feel so bad. Ugh!!! It's a vicious circle!

[eightball61]

This is just a piece of my mind but closure is something that we all dont get and thats why I mentioned my approach. I have alway been the closure seeker but in my experience it has either done more hurtful damage than good. The other thing is you may never get the closure from him nor anyone. SOme people just dont talk at all and there is no point in wasting valuable life time in trying to seek something you may never get or may just create more hurt. I would mention writing a letter and just sending it but where he lives close to you he may come back and try to reply with something you may not like to hear...its up to you but these are my thoughts.

[Pamelina]

eb, I think I could probably rest assured that he wouldn't reply--I don't think he'd give a fig. It would just be for me; my own dignity and self-esteem objecting to the shaft.

I think it's just awful too, that he snobbed me in front of his boy last time. What kind of message does that send a 12-year old just beginning to be aware of the opposite --that some of us are to be treated like garbage for no special reason? I could see if I'd been someone with a criminal record, rotten, or goofy in some way.

I could go on about how unjust this was but you've all heard me loud and clear already, lol. But life is unfair enuf--look at the whole tsunami disaster--it's just seems too bad to me that we can't fix what should be fixable or at least smooth it out a little.

Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned but I believe in trying to have graceful relations with people--or at least a little constructive communication. It doesn't take that much to do.

I also think women are still discriminated against in romance--put in our places. It's almost the classic "meet a woman, butter her up, take her to bed, and then send her on her not-so-merry way routine." And I really think that mindset will never change with some men. Thank God this doesn't happen to me as a rule--could be why I'm so outraged. :mad:

And I would almost go out with anybody halfway decent rite now--but on the up and up, not leading them on or anything.

[MissCheivious]

LOL You're too much! You're probably right about women being treated like crap. Again, I think it's a position that we sometimes put ourselves in. Most women think men think like we do. THEY DON'T!! We think if someone gave themselves emotionally & physically to us, we'd respond in a good way but some men (don't want to bash them all ;) ) don't think that way. They see love & kindness as weakness, not a gift or anything you should cherish. Hate to say it but nowadays, most women are that way too. It's socially acceptable to be rude and a "player" these days. I agree that manners and common courtsey have fallen by the wayside. You've done all you can do and you're right, he's not setting a good example for his son at all which is another good reason that he's not in your life. Hang in there, you sound like a smart and funny woman and you will meet someone who knows how to treat you right (you know this! :) ). Chalk it up to his loss and don't be above some petty revenge. I'm not PC at all so I say a flaming bag of poo on his doorstep would get the message to him. LOL He's crappy so why shouldn't his shoes be? :D Of course I'm kidding...don't want anyone to sue me for burning down a building with a bag of poo. :p

[eightball61]

The only thing males and females have in common is we are mammels. Along side that we are different and every aspect and we will never know eachother really good. I wish I could tell what a women think, act, ect :confused: impossible though...