Weird situation with gf and her past

[bmcdaniel]

I'll try to get the gist of this into as short a post as possible... might be hard...

So I started dating my girlfriend a year ago wednesday. We both are divorced, and trying to build a new life. Things have been great but for one problem. And we're both beyond all that rebound stuff, fyi.

When she was a kid, she lived in scotland and loved it. She moved to the states because her dad was in the military. She was seperated from her boyfriend by the move. Well, they stayed in touch for a while, then fell out of touch, the got back in touch, etc. They each went on to get married, occasionally corresponding. She was married 12 years to a guy that treated her like crap. Apparently there was something between her and this scottish guy that kept her having a fantasy that no matter how bad things got with her current husband, she always had a fall back plan and could go to scotland, her dream home, where she could run to and be with this scottish guy. Well, now that she's divorced, her and this guy started talking more in the last few years (before me). About the time we started dating, he decided that he had to come see her. So he came here in january, told her that he still loved her and wanted to take her to scotland and be with her. Well, she said no, she had a life here, and she didn't think she could be with a man that ditched his wife and kids like that, even for her.

Well, he came back again in June, and the same thing happened, only he got her drunk. When she didn't call me like she said she would, I went to her place and found him there, feeding her wine, while drinking none himself. He was totally polite, and he called a cab to leave. Well, while we waited for the cab, my gf passed out, and he decided that he had to kiss her and love on her, so I had to throw him off after he dove around me to get to her... literally. If it hadn't been for the kids and her sister upstairs, it would have been a fight, but I kicked him out, and he was gone.

So, for the last 5 months he's been texting and emailing her constantly telling her how much he needs her and loves her. It irritates the hell out of me, but I put up with it for a while. When asked why she won't get rid of him when she tells me she doesn't want him, she says it's hard for her to let him down like that because the "idea" of him and the safety that has provided her mentally for so long is hard to let go of. So now, she's gone to scotland to deal with this issue, this fantasy that she's used as armor for so long, and put it behind her... and I'm biting my nails because she feels that she has to see him to do it, face to face. Personally I think the guys a creep. But she says she has to do it because she wants to make sure that if her and I take the next steps in the relationship, she doesn't have this fantasy floating around in her head anymore, and that to make him leave her alone for good, it's got to be in person, and not via email or phone. She says she has to do it so that she can make sure she gives me 100% of her heart, that this time, in this relationship, she wants to do it right.

Is it possible that someone can latch on to a fantasy like this, so hard, that it's that hard to let go of even if there's something wrong with the guy? Is this a woman thing?

It's driving me crazy because in every way we mesh so well, we make a great team, we love each other, we read each other very well, we have a great time... I mean, this is like the relationship I've always dreamed about... except for this one freakin guy in which the fantasy of him and what he could give her had kept her sane through a 12 year marriage and she's having a hard time letting it go....

Am I crazy? It's been so hard because her not nipping this situation earlier has caused me some trust issues, though she tells me what he says and shows me stuff he sends sometimes. Most of the time it pisses me off to read it, so she doesn't show me a lot of it.

Sigh.... thoughts?

[smackie9]

I find it strange someone would carry a torch for that long. People change, and I can't see things being like they were for them. Yer gf might be a little on the crazy side, or real immature. If this is the way she is treating you, placing you low on her priority list, I would look at it as a sign to get the hell out! She is crazy and selfish. Your first reaction is to blame everything on him, when it's her that should be to blame. If she really cared about you she would have told the guy no, and that she is in love with someone else and would like to be left alone. End of story.....but she didn't now did she. I know my words are harsh but you are in love and love clouds your judgment. I'm looking at the whole situation here and she has no respect for you or your relationship. She would rather toss it all away on some creep. See what I'm getting at? Stop being the nice guy and end it. Maybe someday she will know better.

[Rich]

I can see it from both sides. But alot of what smackie says is true.

In a perfect world she would see this guy for what he is and know that what she is holding onto is a fantasy and fantasy only. But this isn't a perfect world and your GF isn't perfect.

I'd let her go do what she needs to do, but I would have told her before she left that if she goes to bed with this guy, or has with him in any fashion, that you two are unequivicolly over. I wouldn't have stated it as a threat, but would have been very matter of fact about it. I don't care if the reason is that she got drunk and he took advantage of her, I would still end the relationship as she should have known better. Bottom line is that she wants to bang this guy and satisfy a 12 year ual fantasy.

Your GF is holding onto a fantasy of what this guy used to be like and what it could have been. It's obvious that he has changed and isn't this "great" guy that she used to know. Unfortunately she can't see that and needs to be hit in the head with a brick to see it.

Hopefully on this trip she gets hit in the face with that brick and the fantasy ends. She will have had with the guy and it's up to you with how you want to deal with it.

Her common sense should tell her that if this guy can up and leave his wife and kids for her, that he could also do that to her. But she's fixated on a romantic fantasy about him and until that is quenched, she can't move on.

I'm guessing that after the that she'll come to her senses and know that her future is with you, but who knows. And who knows if you'll accept a girl that had with another guy while you two were together.

What if in the future you two are married and she gets a secret admirer at work or something. You two have fights periodically and this secret admirer is constantly filling her thoughts about romantic nights and life together? Will she want to experience that as well? Where does it end?

It's obvious also that your GF isn't happy with her life or herself for if she was, she wouldn't have went. She's also not of the belief that a bird in the hand (you), is better than two in the Scotland bush. She's searching for something better and that should be a red light for you.