Afraid of an adult relationship?

[Planescape]

Hi there

My g/f is 19 and I'm 22, we've been going out since April 1st last year after knowing each other for a while on the internet. We were a long distance relationship until September when i moved to university quite near her. From then on she was going to college in the same city and was staying 4 - 5 nights a week. Things were ok but we were a little snappy at each other because we were in one room a lot of the time. So she started to stay on alternative weeks and we still spoke on the internet through msn and with webcam. Around mid to later october I started to have an interest in someone else and I neglected my g/f a little bit, she noticed I wasn't as I had been and made a few comments over time but I knocked them back and told her not to worry. She was still telling me she loved me and wanted to see me. Over Xmas I went back home and only saw her one weekend, I spent a lot of this time thinking about what I wanted and noticed that she was a little distant when she came over and over new years. Around this time I decided that I should sort it out as we had been really happy and this other person wasn't enough to throw it all in.

We saw each other as normal when I returned and then about a week in she said that she wasn't sure if we should be together because she was being mean to me. Said that she hadn't been talking to me as much and that she was being distant. Said she didn't want to hurt me but hadn't been feeling quite right for a while. Over a few conversations we've had since it appears that shes not sure if shes ready for an adult relationship. Said she doesn't want to break up with me but doesn't want us to carry on like this. Shes become more distant online and we barely touch when we're together because she doesn't feel comfortable.

Shes also had something else on her mind which has been causing her problems and making her push everyone away though that may have passed now.

She was talked a lot better online last week and better in person but she said that that was because we were more like friends. We had a talk on thursday and I told her to stop torturing herself over her past problem and with us that I loved her and if any part of her still loved me then she should listen to that. Since then we haven't spoken much, she wasn't online for a couple of days (never happened before) and shes been talking the bare minimum since.

I know pretty much theres no real chance to save this relationship but I need any more ideas to try. Its just a sharp change over Xmas as beforehand she was still very much in love with me and afterwards it seems to have changed. Around october time we hit about 6 months and that became her longest relationship.

Any ideas on how to get over fear of an adult relationship?

[bdtraders]

From a guy that did his ex wrong trust women know when your being sneaky behind their back. You admitt pushing her away and now you want her back, that for one really hurt her im sure, you need to except that.
#2 give her some space, just be her friend. Tell her you will just be her friend also and that you will always be there for her if she needs someone to talk to. Then back away. Send her an occasional email to say hello just checking on you, but give her time to sort out her feelings. If it was meant to be, it will be if it wasnt then be her friend (or not) but move on with yourself.

[eightball61]

I have to agree and space is the best thing at this point. You had your chance at the beginning and you became distant to the interest of someone else. Now she is is becoming distant and wants a break. You need to accept and respect her wishes. She has told you and now you have to give her the space and what she needs. If you want anykind of chance with her back then you need to act more like a friend when you talk or hang with her. It will be hard but you need to seperate those feelings or else you will just end up pushing her further back. A great example is that she is not talking much to you know because what you said over the net.

From what I see though you both are not ready to date at this time. You should both just take this break and use it wisely and just build a friendship. It will be hard like I stated to seperate those feelings but it needs to be done or else you both will just part ways for good.

Having an adult/steady relationship takes a lot. Its not a free-for-all ride...I mean the couple has to compromise, be honest, trust, and work together for a good future. You need to have all these makings to make an adult relationship work. I am not knocking you in anyway and this is just a reminder on what you need to look out for when you are ready to enter an adult relationship. Do you see what I mean?

[Planescape]

I didn't tell her that I had an interest in someone else though I did say that I was distant and I apologised, she said she was just being paranoid and that I hadn't done anything wrong.

I think I'm ready for an adult relationship just was being stupid, but it looks like she isn't and I don't particularly want us to be just friends I might just have to live with that.


I suppose i'm just trying to work out where this came from, if she really has been having doubts for a long while or if its just recent. I know there was an interest in someone else (see we're really not doing too well here) and I'm guessing that had a lot to do with it in january. Though that appears to be less of an issue now.

[eightball61]

I think I'm ready for an adult relationship just was being stupid, but it looks like she isn't and I don't particularly want us to be just friends I might just have to live with that.





You have to have two commitited people though to have the relationship work. You say you are ready but she isn't. There is nothing you can do to pull her in unless her mind wants to start things back. Relationships are not as easy as Hollywood makes it to be and you can't play a guitar and sing to her hoping she will take you back that way. Right now you are have to accept the decision and live with that like you stated. You pushed back before and now she is pushing back with the lack of security.

Give it time like we stated....I can't say what the outcome will be but just be a friend if you get the chance to talk to her. Give her the space needed and dont push her about the future. Like I said that will get her annoyed and she will just push away for good. You have to accept her pace and if you find things getting nowhere then thats your cue to move on. Ita ok to wait a while but don't waste opportunities doing that either.

[Planescape]

This is probably one of the biggest problems, we are still together and she hasn't made a decision about whether should stay together or not. Realistically I should push for a decision but then I don't want to as I think she'll respond badly to that.

Its ironic though, first girl I fall in love with for a long time and shes having doubts about us. Always the way. :confused:

[eightball61]

As I said...Don't push but you "both" need to talk about this is a public environment face to face. You need to know where things stand now and for the future. You need to know her thoughts and she needs to know yours. Talking about this over the net has done more confusion than good and therefor you both need to talk over a cup of coffee.

[Planescape]

Sadly i've picked a girl who doesn't like talking in person and finds it far easier to talk online. Its strange i've been trying to work out where she got this idea that we were in an adult relationship, there was never any pressure put on anything like that. Probably just the length of time thing.
I won't push her, i've spent the last month and a half not pushing her, just occasionally nudging her trying to find out whats going on. My friends have nigh on demanded that I 'Draw a line in the sand and make her either come up to it or go away' but thats not the way to go with her. I've asked if she wants to come over and watch a film with my friend and his g/f tomorrow, might add later on just as friends or that we'll keep it light or something, main prob is that she'll need to stay over.

Here goes.

[eightball61]

Sadly i've picked a girl who doesn't like talking in person and finds it far easier to talk online. .

My girlfriend was the same thing and still is from time to time but she knows its better taking this route because more gets accomplished. If your girlfriend wanted to make something work out of this then she would try everything in her best interest to get that done. IF you both really wanted something to work out here then you'd both find out a way to do it. She needs the space though and giving it to her is the best start for now I suppose.

[Planescape]

Thanks Eightball do appreciate the advice, hope things will improve but who knows. Good luck with your other half.

[eightball61]

Don't give up on this though ok...Please keep us noted on this and try to make progress with the comfrontation rather than the net.

[Planescape]

Hey don't worry I' won't give up on this, as I said I'm actually in love with this girl and thats something i've found hard to do before. I'll keep you posted and i'll hang around the forums maybe I can help someone out too.
Keep on rocking

[eightball61]

Stick around for updates but remember what we have talked about in this post....as a hint: "in a relationship it always take 2 to make things work".