we were just supposed to be friends

[Tornb4]

I’ll give you the background of our relationship so you can understand what’s going on a little better……

I was with my fiancé for almost 5 years off and on. During the ending of our relationship, while we were broken up, I had started talking to a friend on the internet for about 2 years, who was also going through a rough ending relationship. I finally met him Last summer in June. Started hanging out everyday. So we were basically there for each other. One night we came to his house after hanging out we got pretty intimate, well very intimate. After everything happened we couldn’t believe it. We lied on the floor with our clothes at our feet staring at the ceiling we promised that night we would never fall for each other. Well after that I moved in with him. I thought I was pregnant, I thought he caught on that I didn’t get my next period so I moved to another state and planned on never talking to him again. I knew he would be upset and I didn’t want to ruin his career he’s working towards, He found out where I went and called me we talked he was upset, and asked about abortion and I said no. I didn’t want to have a kid but I not about abortions. We finally after 3 months of going to the doctors and missing my period found out I wasn’t pregnant, he told me it would have ruined his and his daughters life more If I had his kid and never talked to him again. Well since than I had moved back, I’ve been over at his place almost everyday things got more serious. Since Dec.31, 2004 everything is screwed up. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even talk to him anymore, he still calls but we barley talk, because I’ve fallen in love with him, but I act like he and the fact that I’m in love with him doesn’t matter to me. Sometimes he can be so sweet, and yet times he could be such a jerk. I know he loves me too, but he very seldom will he really show me he cares. The bottom line is I want to be with him I love him, and I know we both feel the same way; we just won’t let it happen. I just can’t be in this situation anymore. His friends tell me he’s scared that if we hook up I’m going to find someone better than him, and the other way around. I guess he’s just scared to commit, also not ready for it. I’m not sure of what I want to do, He doesn’t want me to leave him alone, yet he doesn’t want to be JUST FRIENDS, yet he doesn’t want to have the label boyfriend/girlfriend…? This isn’t working for me.

[beesting]

I have friends right now going through similar situations... this world is very small... I mean it's the same problem but the details are different.

From the way you described your relationship, at this time, this guy does not seem like he is ready for commitment. If you say that, had you been pregnant with his child, it would have ruined his life... Because he is not ready for that commitment, then, yes, a child would probably be seen as a problem. In my opinion, having a child is a beautiful thing. It is a result of a special love shared between a man and a woman. A man in love would want to have that child. Perhaps he loves you in his own special way... Perhaps time for yourself can also make a difference, you know, like try to find out what it is you really want for yourself first... Maybe make the same suggestion to him... If he truly cares about you, he would also want the best for you and maybe meet you half way... Good luck!

[MissCheivious]

This is a sticky situation to say the least because you care for this man but he won't/can't commit. I can't imagine how painful it must've felt when he said that a child with you would ruin his life. Whether you wanted that child or not, that was an insensitive thing to say. In some cases, the small things people say are a big indicator of what they're really like. I'm not saying to judge him on this comment alone but it's something to think about. Another thing to think about is that actions speak louder than words. If he's not making any steps to commit (whether you guys had an agreement or not), he's not ever going to. Why should he? For the most part, you're giving him everything he wants without any responsibility. The part about "being scared" is such crap, I'm not belittling that but it's true. We've all been hurt, we've all been with people that screwed us over, that's a given in life. To use that as an excuse not to commit to someone who hasn't done anything like that to you is a cop out at best. I don't think you're lying when you say you know he loves you. I'm sure he does too and I don't want you to think I'm being negative here. The thing is, you need certain things from him that he's unwilling to give and that's unfair to you. You're being MORE than fair with him, it's about time he's fair with you. I know you don't want to lose him but in this situation, you should lay all your cards out on the table. Tell him what you want. You have nothing to lose. If you lose him as a friend, then he wasn't ever your friend to begin with. I think since he looked for you when you left and that you guys still have a continuing relationship now, it might work out in your favor. You'll never know until you try and like I said, if he wants to stop seeing you because you bring up a commitment, he wasn't a good friend to you to begin with. I know this is weird and if you don't feel like my advice would help you, don't use it. I think you have a good shot and getting the commitment you want. Good luck. :)

[eightball61]

What I see here is that "yes" he has fallen for you but you dont have the same feelings. You have said you loved him and want to be with him but everytime you both get closer you run. If you want something more to prgress here you have to stop being afraid and allow it to happen and fall into place or maybe this wasn't just meant to be. You need to make the proper decision on what you want him to be.

In your mind you see just friends but for feelings you are in love with the guy. There is nothing wrong aboutbeing in love but instead of running off you need to make an adult decision on whether you want more to happen. If you are still uncertain about the whole thing then try it out and see what works. Dont run unless you see it not working and at that point tell him what you think is best. I mean you are confused because you say you love him but then you say you feel like you dont want to talk to him. Instead of toying around try to make the proper decision.

[Tornb4]

Well these past few days i really havent been trying to talk to him, i did tell him i wanna be with him and if he doen't want it to be that way, than we can just be friends. He says little kiddish thing to just throw it off, than try to make me happy. He's trying to avoid having to talk about the situation. Yet after that i quit talking with him.... Well i've been staying with a freind for a couple days he's been calling me and talking to me on here, and i think he misses me.....
Don't know what else is going through his head.....
Whenever he wants me to call him back i won't and he'll call me back.... Last night he called and wanted me to stay the night, and this morning he called and wanted me to go to breakfast with him, and i said no..
He said well call me while i'm there, i said ok...

I think the main reason were not talking as much is because he's putting testorone in his body, It really makes him really mean, and i don't like it, and i told him i didn't wanna be around him while he was on it a long time ago and he thought if he started i wouldn't know, well he finally told me why he was being such a jerk, This morning he told me he knows he's messing everything up and he's gonna stop. I thought that was very different coming out of him, and it's a good thing he's quitting. I just hope he's done forever.....

[eightball61]

Where do you want this relationship/friendship to go? or how?

[MissCheivious]

Testerone? Like steroids?

[Tornb4]

I want to be with him, Forever in the future, i might have a chance i might not. I don't think it's right for me to wait on either. My other bestfriend that i've known almost my whole life thins we are perfect for each other and they never liked each other at first but she tells me she only wants to see me with him.... Don't know why... Yes like Steriods, he likes to hit the weights alot... I don't know he's just jerk when he takes it and than when it wears off you can totally tell in his persoanlity......

[eightball61]

Steriods are illegal and if you dont want to be caught up in that then I dont blame you for not wanting to be around that. Now that you stated that you want to be with him you need to contain yourself and stop running away at times. You both have problems that need to be resolved before thing take place but it can easily be done if he can change and you make the change in wanting to stay with him. I know words are easier than actions but you both need to have this good talk and you go over what you accept and want and he should be able to do the same. If you both can work that together than try it all out on a clean slate.

[MissCheivious]

I don't want to be a downer here but do you think his drug use might have something to do with his behavior? That's a dangerous drug and I'm pretty sure one of the side effects is uncontrollable anger and mood swings. Is this something you want to deal with? It's a big thing! Anyway, if you've tried to talk to him about the C word and he changes the subject, why not say, "Hey, I asked you a question?". It doesn't have to be in a mean way but more in a joking way. Since you guys are good friends, you should have some sort of rapport. Another tactic could be just to drop it and see if HE brings it up. Say some negative things about relationships and see what his reactions are. Just a thought. You know him better. :)

[Tornb4]

yeah, thankyou... I'll let you know how it goes....

[eightball61]

I don't want to be a downer here but do you think his drug use might have something to do with his behavior?



Good observation here and that could be true because drugs can switch personalities to people and it varies on the individual....its about working together though and lets prey he can let that drug go....Tornb4 please keep us posted on your moves, ok....take care :o

[Tornb4]

Thanks i will keep you posted. Yes i think it has alot to do with his personality and the reason he's mean sometimes, but i'm not sure if it's the reason he won't settle down with me. ???? Who knows but i'm gonna talk to him soon, Don't know when would be a good time, after he quits, before, Who knows? Well also If you have any info on how or when to accually sit down and talk to him face to face.... I'm just nervous, you know rejection is my worse fear, IT very seldomly happens, but when it does. I just don't like it, I have panic attacks i know that would just make me freak out... Not crazy just more nervous...
But i'm willing because i need it off my chest..

Thanks so much...

[MissCheivious]

You'll be fine. :) Talk to him when it's most conveinent for the two of you. You know him best. Basically, we can only give you guidelines and our opinions on what we think because we're not emotionally invested in it and we have a different point of view. Take what all of us say with a grain of salt. The one thing I've learned is that no one but the two people in the relationship can actually know what's going on. No matter who you tell or what you do, that's all that matters. What the two of you think. I know rejection sucks (been there one too many times :rolleyes: ) but, nothing ventured, nothing gained. That sounds really stupid now that I've typed it but, it's a bit true. You'll never know until you try and the worst thing is not knowing. Good luck! :)

[eightball61]

You will be fine...You will have to trust his word though that he quit. I think talking about it soon though would be a better benefit because it could keep him on track on what he needs to do to stay with you. Just try to be patient though and lets see what happens from there. Remember...dont give up until you find no hope.

[Tornb4]

Ok well he invited me over tonight, and i'm going over there. I'm going to ask him to sit down with me and talk.... It's gonna suck! but I'll get through it... I just know when we sit down he's gonna say no i don't think we should be together.... I'm not gonna know what to do. I guess except just to say well i just wanna be friends than...???? Also i asked if he used since i've talked to him and he told me he did the steriods again this morning, and i don't like it but he won't lie to me for some reason and i guess thats a good thing. I told him and you want me to come over....Why?.....

[eightball61]

Its going to feel sucky but once you get it all out you will feel much better. Hopefully you both can come to terms tonight rather than see things differently. Please keep us posted on his thoughts and how it went. Just try to calm down and if you need to write things out to use as notes then try it and see what happens.

[Tornb4]

:confused: :confused: :confused: Well since than i had talked with him about it. What i've gotten from trying to understand him. Because he won't come out and say things and when he does he'll only tell me few things here and there. This is what i got he likes me, I'm his best friend, I'm basically not pretty enough ( I'm not a super model), like he could get one... but.. thats what he's looking for. super skinney good looking trashy stripper look i guess. I'm cute in the face i look young which i am and i'm 5'2'' i weight 124lbs i think thats a good weight. I really think thats his main reason i'm not good enough for him and i think thats very sad. I mean we sleep together and still do, obviouslly i'm good enough looking for that and i'm always with him everywhere he goes, I don't think if he didn't think i was attractive he wouldn't be taking me out in public with him. The other day we were talking and i was having a breakdown or something i couldn't quit crying don't know why just upset i guess, I miss being happy and having a real boyfriend. He told me he said you know i love you, it's just the wrong time. Thats he only time he's accually ever opened up to me..... Well 2 week ago i went out to the bar, which this was after i had asked him if he would be with me and told him how i felt, but before he told me he loved but it was just the wrong time. Him and i met up at the bar. He wouldnt talk to me or even acknowledge i was there the whole night he told me he was leaving to another bar, i said ok talk to you later. Walked around danced ran into one of my ex's from like years ago and he's so good looking and we never slept together, there was no ending to our relatonship he went away on a job found out i got back with my ex and he quit calling me and i never knew why till now.... Anyways to get to the point we started talk he leaned over and kissed me and i couldn't stop myself it was like we were in a movie it was so romantic and I loved every min of it. He hug'd me and caressed my body, he made me feel wanted and i havent felt that in a while. Well i walked to the bathroom and the guy Ryan that i've been having troubles with but my best friend happened to be standing across from where we were and while i was walking to the bathroom there he was right in front of me with his arms crossed and i said " hi....... You just seen all of that huh??!!! He said yup, i said sorry. He was mad at me for a couple days always trying to make me jealous of him. I told him this over the computer and he didnt say anything...... " Look i just wanted to say.... We are just friends and i'm not sure of what you think of us being just friends but, Your always changing your mind or playing mind games just filling my head with shit making me feel good so i don't leave you alone. When it comes down to it there are lies, I know your serious about when you say you don't wanna be with me. You undecided on what you want and it's not my responsiblity to sit around and wait... You know.. I can see your very uncomfortable with the situation but Ryan i need someone in my life. someone who makes me happy, I think i might have found that person. Who knows but i'm willing to take chances. A good friend would be happy for me. You had your chances and you blew it, I'm sorry that your upset there is nothing i can do except to just be your friend." Well were still friends and he told me today he's been talking to this girl but she just got married and he told me who it was and it's the guy i'm talk, It's his ex-girl friend, isn't it a small world...gosh.... Now this new guy told me he was leaving out of state and he went to the bar obviouslly he didn't go and was at the bar is telling people he's sleeping with me and were not and he's 28 and i think thats kinda imature and i don't know why he would even do that, on top of that he told my best friends brother which we live together, well staying together..... he knew i would find out than calls me 4 days later and i was at work and i havent called him back... I like him i just think i need to ask him what he wants from me, cuz i want a relationship and thats all i'm looking for.... Sorry it's so long but alot has happened to me...??? I'm misserable... ???

[eightball61]

Has he changed the past ways? like the drugs?

You both still seem to have some other problems arising and this needs to get solved if you both want stuff to work out.

[Tornb4]

Well Ryan yes he's finally done with his drug problem, but He's changing like usually when you get older you quit partying and grow up but he's just the opposite and i think it's time for me to quit trying and move on...... Thats why i was thinking about trying something new with this new guy... I just don't understand why he would tell people we were sleeping together, i talked to the person he told that to and he said it was like he was bragging about it and i don't know why he would say something like that i havent slept with him and don't plan on it for a while. We have been talking on the phone for ever since the night at the bar and i think i should probablly ask him what he's looking for before i let it go any farther, and Thank You for sticking with me and giving me advice, well your opinions... Please write back thanks... Ryan and i will stay friends forever but i don't think that we will accually ever be with each other.....

[eightball61]

Try something with the new guy then...if you signs are saying move on then move on and see what else is out there for you.