cheated

[ello]

cheating story advice needed!!!! Quote: Hi! I am new here so I hope that I am using this site properly! I could use some good advice.

My boyfriend and I were together for about three years and moved in together quite soon. I am 24 and so is he.
About a year ago his parents split up due to his father having an affair (he is still with the woman) and things seemed to be really upsetting my bf I don't know if this has anything to do with our problem. At the same time I was very busy in my last year at University and most of my time was devoted to my schooling.
One day I came home from school, and I received a call from my bf saying that he had won a trip in a contest and asked me if I wanted to go. I told him that I didn't know because I was so busy in school, etc, and he told me he needed to know right then because the company needed to put names on the plane tickets.
This started an arguement that got out of hand and I told him "fine I am not going" basically and that was the end of the conversation. He told me when he got home that he had put his brothers name on the ticket, and I was angry. He hadn't even really discussed it with me, and I felt that he should have put my name on anyway. (I probably shouldn't have)

Anyway, we were both acting really stupid, and we fought really bad until the day before the trip. He discussed this with his family and it made things worse. HIs mother said that he can't not take his brother, and went on to say rude things like he didn't know what love was, he is too young, etc, and that he needed counselling. I was furious at this point, I felt that this was really not thier business to discuss especially without me present, and the fighting got worse to the point I finally told him to lget out and take his things.
(this is a short version believe it or not.)

He ended up going and when he came back from his trip he came over and we talked. I felt terrible, and he said to me " I thought you didn't want to see me anymore." WE talked and decided to work things out, but he was acting strange.
A few days later he confessed to me that he has slept with someone else. It was really hard for me to deal with, but I had a hard time for awhile, and I moved out. This was about 8 months ago.
He says that there are no excuses for what he did and I know that he is having a hard time with his too. He says that he feels that he has never been this low his entire life, and this is something that he is totally against, and he doesn't really know why he did this except that it happened only once, and he felt like he was liked at a time when he felt no one did, and he says that he really thought we were over.
He has been trying to do everything he can to make it up to me for the last 8 months, and I have had other relationships before for long periods of time and I was never as happy as I was with him. He always treated me like a princess, and this was the only time he has ever caused me grief.

I am so confused. I am sure he has learned agreat leson from this, although I don't know if I can forgive and forget this. I know I acted terrible, and treated him badly as well. but I don't think that is an excuse (he says its not as well. ) What do I do! ilove him! sorry for such a long message. If you need more detail please ask. It may be missing some detail cause I am trying to keep it as short as possible, so you can ask any questions.I am aware that my behaviour was bad as well. Please help me!

[guhbuhjuh]

Hi ello. Honestly, I think if you love him as much as you say you do, and he feels as bad about it as you say he does. You should forgive him and get back together with him and move on from there. Don't let someone you love get away like that, because you may regret it later on. From the looks of things, you two love each other enough to work things out, everyone makes mistakes and he was in a vulnerable and confused time just like you. Forgive him. Talk to him about it, move on. Live happily ever after :).

[Vanya]

Look if he cheated on you because he is angry there is the possibility he will do it again. It gets easier to cheat after the first time.

That doesn't mean he can't be faithful. I think you should tell him you will consider being back with him if he will go to couples therapy with you. He needs to learn how to not react like that. And you obviously need some communication work if you want to weather the emotional storm that is caused by cheating.

[DanielStandish]

Girls think that guys never cry - they're wrong. Guys cry all the time - in their heart. When a guy knows that he has broken a girl's heart, he cries too. I don't think females realize what guys go through for them. We feel every tear and hear every angry word. We have feelings too. I think that if he is feeling really bad about what he did, you can trust him not to do it again. Once he experiences a broken heart, it will leave a scar forever - a scar that will not be easily revisited. Therefore, I think you should trust him and give him another chance. I know this because I've felt this way before too, and I know that it is usually very hard for the girl to forgive even the most minute mistake. Just remember that he's not perfect. I know that if you forgive him, he'll forgive you, and you'll both be happy with each other again.

[Ricksta]

Of course there is no excuse for what he did and it makes no difference how you behaved because relationships aren't supposed to be about revenge. However, I think it would be naive for you to accept his justification of not knowing what he was doing when he made the choice to have with another woman. That is the bottom line here.



If he truly loved you, then he wouldn't have even considered associating himself with another woman for ual involvement. I am aware that you love him and that forgiveness is an important part of life, but why should you take his cheating when you would have never done that to him in the first place?



What about you? You were giving him 100% while he was having with another woman.



Myself, I personally believe that life is all about love for without love, there would be nothing to live for, but yet love comes in many different ways and it is time for you to acknowledge yourself and love yourself first without compromise.



You are an independent young woman with so much to live for and you must always keep in mind that you will make it through to the end with or without him. Remember that you matter, too, okay?

[ello]

yeah, well I guess i feel partly to blame because of how mean I was. But then I think that what he did was so much worse. His friends think it's my fault and mine think it's his. I am sure that doesn't matter, but sometimes i think it's important to see both sides. Although I just don't understand his reasoning what he did. I know he loves me, and i am sure he didn't know what he wanted at the time. I guess that's why i feel partly to blame. But then, there must have been a reason i acted that way as well. I was really mad and felt that i had a right to be.

[buster]

Make YOURSELF happy first, the rest will fall in to place if it is meant to be

[Ricksta]

yeah, well I guess i feel partly to blame because of how mean I was. But then I think that what he did was so much worse. His friends think it's my fault and mine think it's his. I am sure that doesn't matter, but sometimes i think it's important to see both sides. Although I just don't understand his reasoning what he did. I know he loves me, and i am sure he didn't know what he wanted at the time. I guess that's why i feel partly to blame. But then, there must have been a reason i acted that way as well. I was really mad and felt that i had a right to be.

I understand where you are coming from here, but life is all about choices and he made the decision to have with another woman and that was wrong and although people make mistakes you still have the responsibility to take care of yourself, which is why it comes down to the fact that you have a choice to make.

Either you choose to forgive him and trust him again or you move on. It is that simple and it is all about you right now. You have got to make a choice or else you are going to be in the relationship without genuine happiness.

Blaming and defending has no role in this stage because this is your life and it is vital for you to make a choice for yourself. All I can tell you is that your feelings matter so much.

[ello]

_First of all, thank you for your replies.

yeah, i know, but it really is confusing. There is even confusion on weather or not he did cheat since i technically broke up with him. But to me that doesn't really matter, I think he should have settled things with me first. Can i ask, what would you do in this situation? How do you think you would know you were making the right choice?

[Ricksta]

Of course he should have settled everything with you first. I mean after all, you are his girlfriend and it is important for him to not give up on you so easily. If he truly loved you, do you honestly think he would have made the choice to sleep with another woman right away, what you? I find that to be totally inconsistent because that is just something you don't do within several days, mind you!

I know it hurts and I know that the situation is confusing, but what you have to focus on is your life. I cannot tell you what I would do because this is your life and only you can make the best decisions for yourself and the last thing I want is for you is to have regret over a decision that someone else made. I will tell you something though.

In every healthy relationship it is vital for trust to exist in the solid foundation you build together and when you love someone you have got to make her feel like she is home. I cannot tell you how important it is to think about yourself because words will never be able to describe such, but all I can tell you is your heart matters more than you can ever imagine and for all the effort and heart in love you have sacrificed and given you deserve nothing but the best and nothing less.

You don't need to suffer any longer... trust me, you did nothing to deserve this suffering and your love shall never be forsaken.

[rani2]

OMG!!! give HIM another Chance!!! I no extactly how that feels to be in his position and GOD i hated myself every single day!!! And trust me if u did get back together u wudnt regret it!! im back wif my gurl and we just had to work thru things and i had to regain her trust again but as i said we "worked" (worked being a KEY word here) thru it all and in the end it actually brought us closer together and actually made the both of us realise wat we had to lose ya no?

Gosh i hope dat helps....

[babylon]

In my opinion, and it's only my life experience, is that if someone cheats whether in the beginning or later on, a relationship will never work out. The trust is gone.