Need Advice PLEASE!

[jstar]

Hi guys, I'm new here, and I desperately need advice. I've been in a serious relationship for 4 years with someone who I truly love. We lived up north until recently - we moved down to FL (closer to his family) and bought a home together, with the goal of eventually getting married. Well, ever since we've moved down things have gone down hill. He has a brother who is a confirmed bachelor and a BIL who doesnt respect his wife at all... they live 5 minutes from us.

Well to make a long story short, he's been hanging out with his single brother and BIL every week and is now planning on going to Daytona Bike Week with them - without me. He is going away all weekend and didnt even invite me. Also, I mentioned I didnt feel comfortable with him going since it really gets wild down there, and he totally disregarded my feelings and said "I have to trust him." Im really hurt and I feel that he is starting to exclude me from his life now that he is close to his single brother. He goes out with them every thursday night - they go motorcycle riding and go to bars. He used to include me in everything, but now it seems he wants to hang out with the boys more.

I have no one here ( my family/friends are up north) and I made this move to be with him and his family, and now I feel really alone.

Also, we were supposed to be engaged by now, and he hasnt even popped the question. Every time I bring marriage up he changes the subject. I have a gut feeling that he is starting to pull away from me.. wanting to enjoy the single life with his brother. I am 29 and ready to settle down and he is 26. I just dont know what to do anymore. Should I stay or go?

[Rich]

IMO you should sit down and have a conversation with him.

Tell him your feelings and about why you did things. Moving down to FLA and such.

Ask him if his feelings have changed about getting married. If they have, then leave him. If they haven't, then tell him that what he is doing is pushing you away and that it needs to change. If he doesn't change then you know that he's not serious about being committed to you and just you.

[jstar]

Thanks Rich. I have asked him about the marriage issue, and he's told me that he doenst feel completely ready right now, that we have too many "issues" work out. I feel that he is giving me the run around.. buying time and not being completely honest with me. I am usually a very happy person, but lately I have been so depressed over this situation. It seems as though my dreams are falling apart, just like that.

[eightball61]

I agree with just being blunt and tell him what you want to compromise with and how you feel as a person about this whole thing...

This whole situation is based on trust and you need to have some. You both do need to compromise though if you both want to work this out together. I mean right now being with his single brother he is catching up on old times but also liking the thrill. This phase will probably die down but we just can't say for when.

Its all going to take a good talk though and you know that. You have tried but what you need to do is make it more seroius and put your foot down. This doesn't mean you have to restrict him on going but express how you felt about not getting invited or talked to about this before the final decision was made. Sure this is his brother and all and he wans to spend time but you both are trying to build for the future and his little thrill right now is holding that all back.

[eightball61]

I have asked him about the marriage issue, and he's told me that he doenst feel completely ready right now, that we have too many "issues" work out. .

If the issues are finacial then I see his point but there is no big deal with putting a ring on your finger if it didn't have anything to do with the money. Putting a ring on finger has to deal with the security for marriage but doesn't mean you both need to get married right away or face all the challenges of planning it out.

[jstar]

Its not a financial issue because I told him I didnt need a ring. I was willing to set a date and have a very simple wedding, if that. The issues I think he is referring to is that he might not be ready to commit to me. I would marry him in a heart beat but he doenst feel the same. I dont know whether or not to give him an ultimatum and move on with someone who would want the same as I. This whole situation has left me with a very low self esteem, asking myself whats wrong with me? Men always flirt with me, and tell me that I'm very attractive, but I feel like I'm not good enough. After 4 years, he is still not sure of me. What to do?

[eightball61]

As I stated in my last post I do think this is a commitement thing and with him moving back he is experiencing play life again. This move has now been more to his benefit than yours. You did him a favor and moving closer to HIS family. He needs to be tending to you and yoyr needs also. Its your choice though but if you are too soft then he may continue this path for sometime. I am not telling you to restrict him and that the last thing you want to do if you want to keep him in your life. What you both need to do is work together and trust. It boils down as you need to trust him more but he has to be more respectful of decision making.

[Rich]

I think that maybe the writing is on the wall. If you can't just up and leave, you might want to start positioning yourself to go.

If he's not ready...he's not ready and you can't force that. I think he wasn't totally honest with you about his true feelings about your relationship prior to the move. That's a shame. He used you.

IMO...you might not know your BF as well as you think that you do. If you do stay...I would wait on the marriage part until you know him better. Don't let your biological clock cloud your judgement and force you into something that won't last.

Rich

[smackie9]

Don't waste your time. Leave. If he follows you, it was meant to be. If not, then move on and find a more mature man.