Treating my wife.

[Devil]

Hi guys,

Since my last post, we worked things out. Now, we're really in love with each other. Everytime we find time, we hug, and cuddle and look into each others eyes. I really care about her a lot, love her a lot, and her welfare is on my mind at all times.

She's now 21, and I'm 26 (yes, we're young). Not sure if you're aware, but we were in a good relationship 2-3 years before getting married. Here's my issue: me!

Lately I get the feeling that I'm doing something wrong in treating her well and respectfully - although I don't notice it, I've noticed it on her and I want to correct it before I lose my chance. A few examples:

1) She breaks a plate, and she immediately starts saying sorry to me. Maybe I was an a-hole before, but I felt so bad that she immediately felt bad about breaking a plate rather than making sure she's fine. I rushed towards her to make sure she's fine (cuz the plate broke right in her hands I think), but instead she was worried on what I would think of her breaking the plate, or if I'd be upset.

2) She asked me to turn the A/C cool to heat and I kept arguing the it is on heat (I toss and turn a lot when it's on heat). Either way, in the end, I did something so she didn't have to worry.. when I got back, somehow we got talking on how if I were her, I'd say "Go do it" and she would. And she also made a point that I'd say it rudely. Now, I'm very aware that I use words like please and thank you everytime. But she still got the idea that I the underlying notion was rude and I didn't mean the please and thank yous. Either way, I learnt that I'm demanding and rude.

3) I can't remember these well, but there's been times when she showed me how something was done in a specific way it was due to my likeness. I again feel bad for that, because it seemed to me that even tho she doesn't like it, she did something for me and didn't even mention it.

These are the things that make me feel like the most horrible person on Earth, and I need to change because she doesn't deserve it. She's such a sweetheart.

A little about me and what my actions usually are:
I'm a diehard lover. If I love someone, I give them my all.. especially care. I'm sensitive (and ofcourse I don't show it). I'm also stubborn and detail oriented who loves cleanliness (she's not so keen on cleanliness)

Either way, something really went wrong 1.5 yrs ago when she started partying a lot, etc. I found out that she kissed another guy and things went bad from there on with me not trusting her and stuff. But later, she realized it was not right and I am 90% there in terms of knowing that I can trust her. Meanwhile, she's a careless 21 yr old. And me being a guy, am careful. I've worked real hard over the past year in trying to get her out of the party circuit, distanced her from her detrimental friends and encouraged her to make good friendships with people I thought had merit.

She has a lot of talent and skill, but obviously being surrounded by the wrong people (including a girlfriend she knew for about 6 yrs) was not good for her. She didn't get to finish her high school, or take on new challenges, university, act on her talents, etc because she wasted all her time with this partying stuff. Then she has this bad habit of sleeping a lot, which keeps her away from homework, housework. I want her to finish her school, get in some university, etc (most of her friends are almost done uni). I had to say we cannot be together if she's not going to leave this lifestyle (because truly, I want to be with someone who is reaching for the stars and not just wasting their time). It worked! She is away from it all, goes to school regularly, tries to keep up with homework and housework (although sleep comes in somewhere there, lol but she's working on it I think). But every day or so, I have to tell her to stop wasting time and finish up her homework soon so she can make dinner and we can sit down to eat, and then sleep early so she is not late for school the next day.

How can I mend myself? Please ask if there's any questions as my hands are tired typing all this, lol

[Rich]

Dude, it's just life. Things are how they are. Just keep making yourself better. Keep being AWARE. Be aware of how your words come out. Be aware of you actions and how they come across. Just keep trying to be a good person, husband and lover.

Just know that you cannot dictate or live your wife's life for her. You cannot force things down her throat to accept or live by. She'll wind up resenting you and going for someone else.

She needs to grow up and mature on her own. Some people are quick at it and some aren't. That the problem with age differences between couples. The older one has been there and one that and have learned from the experience. The younger one has still to learn and experience. Of course the older one tries to impart wisdom to hasten the learning process, or to avoid the unpleasantness, but ultimately it's up to the younger one to accept the counsel, or learn by experiencing.

Ask yourself if you were open to guidance and counsel when you were that age. Were you stubborn and said, I don't need you to tell me, I know what I'm doing?

Well, she's the same way. People grow and mature at there own pace. You just need to love and accept her for who she is, or not love and accept her for who she is. You can't control her though.

Great relationships are 50/50. Yours isn't. Might it get there? Maybe. That's up to you to determine.

[eightball61]

If you notice an issue then it's most likely an issue. In most long-term relationship or marriages couples settle and the bicker at each other in which could be the case here however you see the issue which is a good thing. The next step is the hardest and that's trying to correct it. She's already adjusted to who you are. Even if you approach her to see how she feels she may just tell you everything is ok because her reactions are her natural instinct to these things. Since you see the issue though try to make goals to better yourself. Sometimes thoughts will push you to the old direction so you'll need to over power how you reacted before to better things. You can't change who you are but you can adust yourself to be to react differently.

[Helper]

What do you mean mend yourself?

There aint nothing wrong with you. Just be happy, make sure you have a high self-esteem and enjoy yourself with her