I was kind of in the wrong but....

[flyink]

The other day looked at my GFs instant messages history and came across a conversation between her and a guy from her college class. They were talking about Liking each other and she thought he was very attractive...
I talked to her about ( not in anger but confusion) and she said she says stuff like that to guys she knows likes her to BE NICE....Then went in to a trust thing and how she hurt that i did what i did. I have plenty of trust, most of her friends are men. The thing is i feel hurt aswell Do to the fact it see like its a What he doesnt know doesnt hurt him type of thing...I know looking at her messages was wrong but i wasnt doing it out of trust im canr reassure you of that....im he most trustful person youll ever meet.

thank,
k
sorry about the poor grammer and everything

[eightball61]

I talked to her about ( not in anger but confusion) and she said she says stuff like that to guys she knows likes her to BE NICE...


You're a sucker if you bought that one....lol Come on!!!She expressed feelings as well & is now turning the tables onto you that you shouldn't have even looked. What's mean if she was to say to him "That was such a sweet compliment and my boyfriend does think the same of me as well". To me this would be ok and she shutting the door letting him know she taken but with her responding back this doesn't shut the door. It seems to me she's liking the attention and she this may be because she's not getting it in the relationship. Try complimenting her more however if this continues then she's clearly not ready to settle and if you hang on then you'll end up with a broken heart.

[Rich]

Ask her how'd she feel if she found that on your cell phone, or IM?

As 8Ball said, she turned the tables on you. Got you off point on the text and on the defensive about looking at her IM's.

Just turn it back around and say that if she wasn't doing anything to be shameful or sorry about, then she shouldn't have a problem with you seeing her IMs or her seeing yours.

Keep this in mind and that is that you're probably not going to marry this girl, so keep banging her as much as you can until it ends. Like a surfer riding a wave. You know another wave (girl) is coming along after this one, so enjoy this ride for what it's worth.

[smackie9]

Young and in college.......it's kinda hard to be THAT committed when temptation is everywhere. This shit is happening everywhere, with everyone, so stop thinking relationships are perfect. There will always be a little outside flirting, and admiring but no touching. I say take off the blinders and accept it. Think about the times you flashed a flirtatious smile to a hot babe in passing and the dirty thoughts that fly through your mind when you see a nice rack in a tank top and tight jeans.

[flyink]

eightball61- I do give her compliments and attention, but i dont over due it.

rich- She want to marry me so this is why im alittle confused.

smackie9- I understand what your sayin but, thinking and saying are different.. I wouldnt say a womans very attractive because i respect my GF.



The next day she acted like nothing happen but im still having trouble ignoring it just because im not sure about it.

[flyink]

eightball61- I do give her compliments and attention, but i dont over due it.

rich- She want to marry me so this is why im alittle confused.

smackie9- I understand what your sayin but, thinking and saying are different.. I wouldnt say a womans very attractive because i respect my GF.



The next day she acted like nothing happen but im still having trouble ignoring it just because im not sure about it.

[Howard]

maybe she's virtual cheating,talking to guys via text messaging/IMs,Have you talked to her about this?

[flyink]

eightball61-i give her alot of compliment and attention but i dont over do it.

rich-she want to marry me,that why im so confused.

smackie9- i understand what your saying,but thinking and saying are different. I wouldnt tell a girl shes very attractive because i respect my GF.

howard- i havent but if i start a trust arguement.... i just worried it will continue do to her changing her password.... i guess if i dont see i wont care but i dont know.

[smackie9]

You can't change her attitude about this bc she feels it's no big deal. If it's a big to you that just means you both are not on the same page. It is what it is, so dump her and find someone who "respects" the same way you do.

[Howard]

[quote]howard- i havent but if i start a trust arguement.... i just worried it will continue do to her changing her password.... i guess if i dont see i wont care but i dont know.[quote]


Then if she changes her password,then don't deal with her anaymore.

[Rich]

When you want to marry someone your heart is SO into that person and wanting to always be wit hthem that the thought of being with another person doesn't even come into your mind.

If your GF is having these "other" conversations then she doesn't know what true love is or what wanting to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with them really means.

Words are just that, words. Her actions speak more to her true feelings about you. Some people are good liars.

[Howard]

When you want to marry someone your heart is SO into that person and wanting to always be with them that the thought of being with another person doesn't even come into your mind.

Yes,marriage is a "want" and not a "need to",it's something we all encounter in life but finding the right girl to marry is something that takes time.

[Karma]

When a person gets caught cheating its usually not the first time they've cheated just the first time they actually got caught. I would think she gave off some signs of cheating if you went as far as reading her messages. In your heart of hearts you know that this girl is not ready for marriage. If that's something you are looking for within the next year (or b4 she graduates) maybe you should hold off on that thought with her.

I say keep your options open because you never know what may happen. You now have the upper hand because you know what type of woman you are dealing with. This ordeal can either break you or make you all stronger. Don't feel guilty about going thru her phone because you obviously had a reason (which proved right) to do so.

Good Luck!

[smackie9]

Checking one's messages behind their back is violation of trust. A simple request and a talk is more tactful. If I suspected anything with the old man, it would be with a strong confrontation instead. In other words, snooping is a crappy way to deal with the issue. It's no different if the cops had your house bugged without you knowing it. How would you like it?

[flyink]

The thing is Ive founded messages like this before (but ignored them because the other person was from a different state, and it seemed like they were just kidding). And in my head i still remember the time she told me how she cheated on one of her ex BFs but said she would never cheat on me. In my heart i believe her but in my head it just thinks of the worst possible things. Im thinking more often that this is a problem with me and not about her. i could be making a big deal out of nothing.

[Howard]

How's everything going Fly?

[smackie9]

She admitted to cheating on her ex's? Dude! why are you still with her? The signs are all there, especially with your gut feeling. Now I see where her attitude is at. She thinks it's ok as long as it doesn't become physical. Sounds to me she's just continuing with her old habits....keeping her options open in a round about way.

[Karma]

As I said before I will say it again. If fly had a gut feeling his girl was cheating & he felt going thru her phone was necessary then he should not feel guilty about it because he ended up being correct. Now the thing about going thru a persons stuff, hiring a PI ect is what you do next. Once you've gone looking for trouble u have to be willing to leave or else snooping makes no sense. You would've been better off not knowing and assuming.

I wouldn't care about my s/o going through my phone bc I don't have anything to hide.

[flyink]

I guess im to forgiving but im not sure thats a flaw or not....Everything between us at the moment is great(im just ignoring thoughts in my head). Im was thinking the other night and all this might be due to me maybe being jealous as well as worried about everything else...Ive never considered myself a jealous person so im not sure.

[smackie9]

If you have to "check up on" your bf/gf, then you lack trust and respect for one's privacy.

So Fly I'm not buying the "I trust her lots". It does bother you that she has other guys attention. And you WERE looking for something or you would not have gone through her messages.

Anyway like I said before, she's young and in college and by the look of things she isn't into a completely committed relationship. She's enjoying this time of her life. She sure isn't looking for a husband. So you should be looking for someone on the same commitment level as you. That's what dating is all about. You do some test driving til you find the right one. And right now she ain't it.

[Howard]

If you have to "check up on" your bf/gf, then you lack trust and respect for one's privacy.


Would that also refer to after being "broken up"?:confused:

[smackie9]

If anything you were just looking for answers.....and then closure.

[Howard]

How is everything going these days? :)

[Liquid Essence]

I understand how you feel. When I had a gf a while back, I used to get kinda upset and pissed when she said this guy was hot or that guy was hot, even if she was joking. But, later on, I learned that no matter what, whether ur married or in a relationship, when u see someone outside who looks pretty good, ur gonna find him/her attractive. U cant control it. its how the human mind is. But just because u find somebody else attractive other than ur other half is not a bad thing. Its only normal. Remember, you would not have dated this person if u did not trust her. just cuz she thinks somebody else is attractive doesnt necessarily mean shes gonna cheat on u. If shes serious with u, and has self cntrol, then she wont. again, its only a normal human emotion.

And you said that that guy likes her too? Dont worry about that man. If she truly loves u, or likes u, she wont cheat. And if she does, then shes not the right person for u and judging by how u say u wouldnt cheat and respect, I would say ur a good man and you can do better my friend if she did cheat =) so just see how things go. Keep us updated. =)

[flyink]

everythings good, this problem is a thing of the past for her and i now.... forgive and forget....

[Howard]

everythings good, this problem is a thing of the past for her and i now.... forgive and forget....




So you decided to get back together with her?

[flyink]

i realized that im a confusing typer.... we didnt break up at all....But we had another fight today (due to me being stressed out about buying a house) and she said she thought about leaving me after it.. what do u all think about this, shes been tell one of my best friends that she befriended about all our fights....i understand talking to her mom or one of her girlfriend.

[eightball61]

You both are already on the rocky edge. Fights can do one of two things...It can push the partner away or if they are opened minded it will help the relationship. It depends on how the fighting is being carried out though and from here it appears its pushing the relationship away. You both don't have a clear understanding and yes communicating can help work things out but you both are not effective in communicating at this point. Argue if it makes you feel better but if you don't want to push her away further it might be best to just try to let go and try to restore what was lost. Only time will tell if she wants to continue this relationship or not but at least you can look back and to see that you tried to save it.

[Howard]

i realized that im a confusing typer.... we didnt break up at all....But we had another fight today (due to me being stressed out about buying a house) and she said she thought about leaving me after it.. what do u all think about this, shes been tell one of my best friends that she befriended about all our fights....i understand talking to her mom or one of her girlfriend.




fights can either pull apart or it could either bring a couple closer together but only you can save the relationship.

[eightball61]

fights can either pull apart or it could either bring a couple closer together but only you can save the relationship.

Howard,
He can't save this relationship himself.....It takes 50-50 for any relationship to work. When one does more than the other then thats when issues come.

[Howard]

Howard,
He can't save this relationship himself.....It takes 50-50 for any relationship to work. When one does more than the other then thats when issues come.



right,and that's when fights start to happen,you disagree on almost everything.

[smackie9]

She thought about leaving the relationship after the fight? She's been thinking about it for awhile my friend. That kind of threat wasn't a passing thought.

[Howard]

How's everything coming along?

[flyink]

going good....hasnt been rocky for awhile .........but we will see.....thanks for everyone imput

[Howard]

going good....hasnt been rocky for awhile .........but we will see.....thanks for everyone imput



What things have improved?

[flyink]

COMMUNICATION...... The reason it changed for her and myself is abit weird. She is bi so she talked to me about letting her go out with a girl that she like in class. I thought it over for a long time and i decided it would be fine but i put some guideline down that she agreed to... so far nothing but good has come from it... pretty strange aint it

[Howard]

COMMUNICATION...... The reason it changed for her and myself is abit weird. She is bi so she talked to me about letting her go out with a girl that she like in class. I thought it over for a long time and i decided it would be fine but i put some guideline down that she agreed to... so far nothing but good has come from it... pretty strange aint it



Are you fine with her being bi,Does it bother you somewhat that she's different than you?

[flyink]

100% fine with it. i would rather her have a girlfriend the BE WITH other guys (not that she doesnt or will...... I hope). it just put my mind at ease knowing that its not another guy.

[Howard]

100% fine with it. i would rather her have a girlfriend the BE WITH other guys (not that she doesnt or will...... I hope). it just put my mind at ease knowing that its not another guy.



That's good,at least you're accepting her the way she is.

[Spaaron]

This girl sounds really troublesome......maybe you should consider of letting go seriously unless you have some tactic or able to keep her with you.

[Howard]

So,she'd rather be with more girls than guys?

[flyink]

well when shes not in school or with me she with her girlfriend instead of her guy friends most of the time and if she is hanging with a guy it one i know. its a i trust her but not the guy thing when i dont know them. so i havent had to worry about it. and it been about three weeks since any type of arguement. plus she seems even more happy with me these days.

[Howard]

well when shes not in school or with me she with her girlfriend instead of her guy friends most of the time and if she is hanging with a guy it one i know. its a i trust her but not the guy thing when i dont know them. so i havent had to worry about it. and it been about three weeks since any type of arguement. plus she seems even more happy with me these days.

So,she seems pretty happy with who she hangs out with?

[flyink]

yeah and i do too.... they all are trustworthy people...

[Howard]

yeah and i do too.... they all are trustworthy people...




has she introduced you to her girlfriends?

[flyink]

yeah.. we all are friends and hang out together.

[Howard]

yeah.. we all are friends and hang out together.




That's great,at least you're all friends.