perplexing break up -- now what?

[Jamilah22]

well, I have not posted on this forum in a while, whether for myself or others, but I was thinking of the last time I actually got some good advice, and these forums are something else, I'll tell you.

Well here's the story:

I had a TA at college (I am 21, so is he) for all of last semester (fall 2008). I began developing a crush on him and wanted to get to know him. He mentioned near the end of class that he wanted me to take his class next semester, too. Well, on the last day of class I threw caution to the wind and gave him my number. He called a few days later. We went out for some drinks and it went verrrrrry well. Saw each other one more time before xmas break, which also went great, and then I went home (I live in NY, go to college in VA) for a month. We spoke every day over break, it was so nice to have that contact and feel close even though we were so far.

once back at school we started seeing each other a lot, almost every day or at least talking every day. Then after not even four full weeks of real dating, he comes to me out of the blue and breaks up with me. I am looking at text messages from him from as little as one week earlier where he was all smiles, which does not align AT ALL with how he was feeling only six days later. I am so perplexed by this.

(when he dumped me) He said there are things about my personality that agitate things he does not like about himself. I am so confused by his explantion of things. ...

He went from saying I AM definitely gf material, that he wants me (but not in the right way), that he is attracted me (emotionally, physically, ually) but something is missing, that I am all these great things, but that I am not good for where he is in his life and that his head is a mess and he does not want to lose me but that "he has taken a lot of people down with him, and he is scared to death to do that to me" ... he also admitted to having big trust issues, which I suspected a hint of, but ...

I asked at one point "so you do not want to be in a relationship with anyone, or with me" and he responded "a little bit of both".

I am doing bad though. I want to call him so badly, but I think it is a poor idea bc I think it will only lead to me getting hurt I believe.

He says he does want to remain friends and I believe he means it bc he is friends with a few of his ex'es. when dumping me he asked if I thought I could do that and I said "no bc I would have trouble distingusing what I wanted him to be with me (a bf) and what he really was (someone who simply does not want me anymore)". I feel like after only a few weeks, it just is not fair that he won't give me the same chance he has given other girls. Am I so unlikeable? Why them, and not me? I mean everyone has their baggage and no one is without flaws, why won't he accept the not so wonderful little quirks about me, that I have accepted of him? He said I do not feel like "home" to him and that our relationship would have ended badly no matter when it ended and that he had internalized a lot of the times when he felt angry or resentful towards me. I do not know what I did though! I mean sure I complain sometimes and he saw me get a bit upset once after something one of my roommates did but, heck, expressing anger or upset is a heck of a lot healthier than internalizing it, no? He says this has happened to him before with other girls, but why? Is he scared of being neglected or unloved? bc I really care about him!

Side note: he also told me that he stopped taking his antidepressants four days before he dumped me. He actually started crying at one point during our break up saying to himself "I am such an asshole, I am such a piece of shit" (about himself). I started comforting him then realized what I was doing and stopped, I mean this is the same guy who just dumped me!

I really miss him and need to know if there is still hope for us, should I call? I feel like his head might be clearer now and I really just want to have another talk where I am not crying and he is not feeling so emotionally disheveled.

Thanks to all who read this whole thing. sry it is so long!

[eightball61]

well, I have not posted on this forum in a while, whether for myself or others, but I was thinking of the last time I actually got some good advice, and these forums are something else, I'll tell you.

Well here's the story:

I had a TA at college (I am 21, so is he) for all of last semester (fall 2008). I began developing a crush on him and wanted to get to know him. He mentioned near the end of class that he wanted me to take his class next semester, too. Well, on the last day of class I threw caution to the wind and gave him my number. He called a few days later. We went out for some drinks and it went verrrrrry well. Saw each other one more time before xmas break, which also went great, and then I went home (I live in NY, go to college in VA) for a month. We spoke every day over break, it was so nice to have that contact and feel close even though we were so far.

once back at school we started seeing each other a lot, almost every day or at least talking every day. Then after not even four full weeks of real dating, he comes to me out of the blue and breaks up with me. I am looking at text messages from him from as little as one week earlier where he was all smiles, which does not align AT ALL with how he was feeling only six days later. I am so perplexed by this.

(when he dumped me) He said there are things about my personality that agitate things he does not like about himself. I am so confused by his explantion of things. ...

He went from saying I AM definitely gf material, that he wants me (but not in the right way), that he is attracted me (emotionally, physically, ually) but something is missing, that I am all these great things, but that I am not good for where he is in his life and that his head is a mess and he does not want to lose me but that "he has taken a lot of people down with him, and he is scared to death to do that to me" ... he also admitted to having big trust issues, which I suspected a hint of, but ...

I asked at one point "so you do not want to be in a relationship with anyone, or with me" and he responded "a little bit of both".

I am doing bad though. I want to call him so badly, but I think it is a poor idea bc I think it will only lead to me getting hurt I believe.

He says he does want to remain friends and I believe he means it bc he is friends with a few of his ex'es. when dumping me he asked if I thought I could do that and I said "no bc I would have trouble distingusing what I wanted him to be with me (a bf) and what he really was (someone who simply does not want me anymore)". I feel like after only a few weeks, it just is not fair that he won't give me the same chance he has given other girls. Am I so unlikeable? Why them, and not me? I mean everyone has their baggage and no one is without flaws, why won't he accept the not so wonderful little quirks about me, that I have accepted of him? He said I do not feel like "home" to him and that our relationship would have ended badly no matter when it ended and that he had internalized a lot of the times when he felt angry or resentful towards me. I do not know what I did though! I mean sure I complain sometimes and he saw me get a bit upset once after something one of my roommates did but, heck, expressing anger or upset is a heck of a lot healthier than internalizing it, no? He says this has happened to him before with other girls, but why? Is he scared of being neglected or unloved? bc I really care about him!

Side note: he also told me that he stopped taking his antidepressants four days before he dumped me. He actually started crying at one point during our break up saying to himself "I am such an asshole, I am such a piece of shit" (about himself). I started comforting him then realized what I was doing and stopped, I mean this is the same guy who just dumped me!

I really miss him and need to know if there is still hope for us, should I call? I feel like his head might be clearer now and I really just want to have another talk where I am not crying and he is not feeling so emotionally disheveled.

Thanks to all who read this whole thing. sry it is so long!



Personal question, did you give your virginity away to him?

As i recall you were still a virgin this time last year and I'm wondering if he was the guy and if so then this could be why you're very emotionaly attached to him. Don't think of it as a hit because these things happen. To me, I think you got played here and you're still suckered into the situation while he is trying to break apart from you. I could be wrong about him and I do hope I am but his actions kind of remind me of people I used to know/hang wit.

[Jamilah22]

No, no, it is fine, none taken.

He is not the one whom I lost my virginity to, but we were ually active. Not just fr the sake of it, it was meaningful (well at least to me, and at beginning, to him too).

I sincerely doubt his rejection of me is related to pure ual gratification. He really is not that type. I mean granted I did not know his life story, but enough about him to know he is not that type, simply put. Very sensitive/has never cheated/loyal/etc ... Not saying all guys who possess those qualities are pure as the hard driven snow, but is just isn't this guys type of deal.

I want to reach out to at least see if he is ok, you know, managing things a little better, but I am nervous that may come off one way or another, you know?

[smackie9]

Sometimes the chemistry isn't there. Maybe at first there were qualities that attracted him to you, but once into a relationship, things, feelings wise didn't progress for him. Reach out for him to see if he's ok? That's just an excuse. The real reason is you can't let go and you are living on a hope that he made a mistake. No there is no mistake. He was being honest with you and you need to accept it. He could have been an asshole about and just stopped calling you. At least he told you straight out. Been there done that, now let it go. And never take it personally. It's no one's fault he feels the way he does. It's just the way dating goes sometimes.

[smackie9]

Sometimes the chemistry isn't there. Maybe at first there were qualities that attracted him to you, but once into a relationship, things, feelings wise didn't progress for him. Reach out for him to see if he's ok? That's just an excuse. The real reason is you can't let go and you are living on a hope that he made a mistake. No there is no mistake. He was being honest with you and you need to accept it. He could have been an asshole about it and just stopped calling you. At least he told you straight out. I've been there myself, just let it go. And never take it personally. It's no one's fault he feels the way he does. It's just the way dating goes sometimes.

[eightball61]

I want to reach out to at least see if he is ok,

He's a big boy and I'm sure he's ok. Remember you both only had not even 4 weeks of real dating. You seem to be taking it like you've been dating for 4 years. Sure you didn't see this coming and you'r left confuse but this stuff does happen. Sometimes you get the closer you want to hear and sometimes you don't and in this case you didn't. Whether if you got played or not may remain a is unknown so the best you can do is charish the good times that you had with him.

[Jamilah22]

and that is why I like these forums.

You're right, both of you.

Well thanks for keeping me in check. If I feel like I am beginning to get wishy washy again I will just reread these comments some.

Thanks for being straight up with me. He does not need me to hold his hand, and he does not need me to be there to listen either. You're right, sometimes things just do not continue the way you want them to, have to take the good with the bad though in life.

[Rich]

Why are you so attached to someone who obviously doesn't have his life together and has issues (taking anti-depressents)?

What's sooooooo great about this guy? Please do tell because from the little that you have written about him here, he doesn't sound like the catch of a lifetime to me.

Think about what you're saying. You're wondering why he hasn't strung you along for a longer amount of time and then dumped you??? You're disappointed that he gave other girls a longer chance than you're getting.

Think about where those girls are now. They're all Ex's. Yeah, so he dated them longer, but those relationships are all ended. Why be envious of that?

I guess he could have let your feelings for him get deeper and deeper and then dumped you and crush you even more, but he ended it quicker with you. Be grateful.

My question is, why be in a relationship that's only going to be dysfunctional and lot of work? Doesn't sound like fun to me. Relationships right now in your life should be care free and fun. There should be no drama, pressure, head games or long term responsibilities. Just date, have fun and enjoy your life. Enjoy this time in your life to just date and have fun.

Marriage, making a living, raising kids, paying bills and all that "grown up" suck the life out of you stuff is right around the corner, so enjoy this time to have fun. Right now if a relationship is a lot of work, then drop it and move on.

[eightball61]

and that is why I like these forums.

You're right, both of you.

Well thanks for keeping me in check. If I feel like I am beginning to get wishy washy again I will just reread these comments some.

Thanks for being straight up with me. He does not need me to hold his hand, and he does not need me to be there to listen either. You're right, sometimes things just do not continue the way you want them to, have to take the good with the bad though in life.

& we'll alway be here so don't become a stranger to us :)

[Jamilah22]

Why are you so attached to someone who obviously doesn't have his life together and has issues (taking anti-depressents)?

---I'm not "so much" attached, rather, "appropriately so". I liked him a lot, it hurt. So he was on anti-dep's, that does not matter to me. He has his reasons for wanting, or no longer wanting, to take them.

What's sooooooo great about this guy? Please do tell because from the little that you have written about him here, he doesn't sound like the catch of a lifetime to me.

---I don't know who would be the catch of a lifetime, it was just the connection between us, well before it faded.

Think about what you're saying. You're wondering why he hasn't strung you along for a longer amount of time and then dumped you??? You're disappointed that he gave other girls a longer chance than you're getting.

Think about where those girls are now. They're all Ex's. Yeah, so he dated them longer, but those relationships are all ended. Why be envious of that?

---I do see what you are saying here, and it makes sense. It would have hurt more if he got to a point where he was flat out faking it to stay together for whatever reason. It still makes me feel shitty bc I felt like my actions or something ABOUT me contributed to it negatively. meah.

I guess he could have let your feelings for him get deeper and deeper and then dumped you and crush you even more, but he ended it quicker with you. Be grateful.

---- so harsh, sheesh!

My question is, why be in a relationship that's only going to be dysfunctional and lot of work? Doesn't sound like fun to me. Relationships right now in your life should be care free and fun. Right now if a relationship is a lot of work, then drop it and move on.

---Understood.

Also, just to say: I had asked him when he was dumping me if he had met someone new/spoken to a former gf. He said no, multiple times. I asked that simply bc the dumping was abrupt and out of no where, it would have made sense if it were connected to something like an opportunity elsewhere.

Five days after he dumped me I saw him in a bustling dining hall on campus with his ex girlfriend and a group of her friends; girls he had claimed to really dislike bc of something shitty that happened in the past w this ex ing around on him or something and all of them keeping it a secret from him. He had mentioned to me when we were together that he had a lot of anger/resentment for this ex. I figured the only way you are still angry at an ex is bc you still in some way, somewhere inside of you care for this person/or want some part of them still. He effusively refuted this, and swore a buuunch of times in adamantly sincere ways that I was the only girl he was interested in.

Of course all that he had said to let me feel I could trust him in our relationship, and also the fact that he looked me in the eye and lied about an ex while dumping me hurt like hell when I saw them together. I actually felt sick to my stomach, literally. I couldn't believe how I felt physically ill from an emotion, it was so strange, that has never happened to me before.

Anyway, we ended up talking about it that night on the phone, first time we spoke since he dumped me. He admitted that part of the reason he dumped me was bc feelings for his ex resurfaced.

finally, I think it is safe to stay he was never over her, whether he was aware of it or not, therefore was never open to a relationship with me, or anyone else, and by way of that, we NEVER would have worked out. He claims to have meant everything he said to me when we were together, but that his "feelings changed" in our last week together. He says she is making it seem like she wants to be with him again, and obv. he is going for it so that whole "I do not want to be in a relationship right now" was a crock of shit, as per usual.

What an idiot to go back out with some chick who f'ed him over in the past, twice. Meah, world is full of fools. Guess I am one of them, too.

[Jamilah22]

Thanks for your response by the way, Rich.

[smackie9]

Whether he lied to you or not....the news still hits a mighty blow. I have a feeling the only reason the ex started to show any interest in him again was bc he was seeing you. I predict he will be dumped again by her in the very near future.

[Rich]

You're welcome.

When you're dealing with a dysfunctional person (taking meds), there's no logical reasoning that you can expect of them. That's why I was saying that he doesn't sound great and why work hard at this time of your life to have fun and date someone.

Trust me, in the future you should be aware and leary of someone taking mood altering medications because there are reasons why they're taking them. And the reasons why they're taking the meds don't just go away by taking the meds. Meds are a coping mechanism not a fix.

Be realistic that the reason why they're taking the meds will affect you and your relationship at one point or other. Don't just dismiss it. Also, don't believe that you'll be the person to "fix" them, or be the reason why they won't needs meds anymore.

So yeah, it sucks that he did what he did, but learn from it. Relationships are so subjective that you have to often read between the lines and TRUST YOUR GUT about things. If things don't feel right, then address them immediately. Learn about human nature too. What's the body language saying. Watch the eye contact when speaking. When truthful you'll be looked in the eyes. When someone says an untruth, they look away.

Actually when it comes to watching the eyes, if someone looks to the upper right (I might have it backwards as it's been awhile since I learned this) it means that they're making up an answer. The right side of the brain is the creative side. I learned this in a management class one time when we were learning how to properly interview job candidates. See how was lying and who was truthful. Again, might have it backwards but you get my gist.

Pick up a book on body language and it'll help you to not be fooled so much in the future.

Also, think of dating like buying a car. When given the choice,, wouldn't you rather buy a brand new car without issues, rather than buying a car with engine problems (someone taking anti-depressants)? Why take on a headache day one?