Girl in need of help

[anin]

Hey guys, I would like to know your opinion on this one.

I'm a female, 23 yo and I've been in a relationship for 4 years now, living together for 3 years. I do love him dearly, and I know that he loves me too, but there are somethings that I just dont know if can hadle anymore. The thing is that my boyfriend is ADDICTED to computer games. Since the begining of the relationship I told him many times that he needed to compromise, to spend some more time with me. Whenever I say those things to him he changes for a while, spends much more time with me, treats me really nice and all, but then he changes back to the way he was only after a few months. A while ago he told me that he had decided to quite role playing games, what made me really happy, and he didnt touch one for like 4 months.

Just recently he got a new job and we moved to another city. He said that he needed something to relaxing to do after work and asked me if it would be alright if he bought a new role play game. I said: "well, as long as you spend time with me its cool". Guess what... a couple of weeks later all the time I was spending with him was 20 min for dinner and maybe half an hour before we went to bed. He comes back from work, eats and then goes directly to the computer. Last weekend we didnt do anything at all together. He spent the weekend on the comp killing dragons. I have so little time with him everyday, that I started feeling lonely, abandoned, ignored. I dont have any friends here in this city, we have lived here for only a month or so, and i am not studying right now (classes only start in the fall) so its hard to meet new people.

Another thing that has been bothering me is that I have to do all the house work by my own. He knows that I used to have maids when I lived with my parents (before we moved in together) and have everything done for me but still he doesnt do anything to help me out. I had to learn everything by myself. Even when I was studying full-time at the university and he was unemployed he didnt do any home service. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishing... actually, now I remember that sometimes he used to clean his computer table, thats all.

Also, we have been together for so long and he hasnt asked me to marry him yet. He often talks about our future together but we are not even engaged yet and its been 4 years...

We had a fight last night. I told him that I was feeling lonely, ignored and that he needed a bit of self-control. I told him that he shouldnt be spending so much time on the comp when he knows that i am sitting on the couch by myself and missing him. He said: "I have a hobby that I enjoy and you cant expect me to spend time with you everyday. I do whatever I want to do." That really hurt me because if he would say something like that to me, I would do my best to make him feel good and give him a big hug. I also told him that I hate my life at this moment. All I do is house work, read and watch tv. I dont have friends in this new place and I have a boyfriend that doesnt spend quality time with me. He said: "you dont need to do any house work, ill do everything by myself from now on" and I said "I am not asking you to do everything by your own, specially because I know you work 9 hours a day, I am just saying that a bit of help would be nice, or at least some quality time together". He is mad at me right now and says that he doesnt know if he is good enough for me, that he doesnt know if he can change. What do you guys think about all this? All my friends say that he is a nice guy but that I deserve some1 better, some1 passionate, and that if he hasnt changed in 4 years, he never will. :( Am I blind of love and accepting things I shouldnt accept? What do you guys think about all this? Any comment will be of great help. Thanks a lot for those who actually read everything, I appreciate.

[mmsharon]

anin, hope you are slightly better today.

I think your boyfriend is a nice guy, except he is totally obsessed with computer games. At least he doesn't cheat on you on your back. So that's a relief.

Guys when they are addicted to the game, they tend to talk rot. So ignore them. :)

Is he spending all the hours on games the moment he is back home from work? And only stop playing when he's on bed? Didn't even spend an hour with you?

Before he is home, u can paste a post-it on his monitor and write something like :



Spend some time with me when u
are done with the game.
Love u lots. Waiting for you.



This will act as a reminder for him.

You can also remind him if he forgets by sitting beside him and enjoy the game with him. I know it's kinda boring. But since he is addicted to it, it's one way to get his attention to you.

If he's still addicted, i think it's really time to sit and have a good talk. In the long run, it will only drift the both of you if the addiction isn't lessen.

I am sure there will be other advise coming in. All the best!

[Rich]

It's time that you took the bull by the horns and had a serious talk with your BF.

Explain your feelings about the gaming and your future together. Tell him that he's made promises in the past but that ultimatley he went right back to his old habit of game playing and that crap has to stop!

Tell him that it's time to either shit or get off the pot in regards to your future together. That either there's a definate plan with dates or that your gone.

There's nothing wrong with taking control and seeing where your future lies.

As for his gaming...you can hope that he grows out of it and matures or you can set limits to how much he plays, when he plays and then make him stick to it. But then you're playing like a mommy to him and that's bullshit. You shouldn't have to do that.

You can also do something together, which from what it sounds like, you don't do much together. I'd recommend joining a coed bowling league or a darts league at your local pub.

Or you can take a class together in something that interests you both. If you come back and say that you don't have the same interests, then I'd question as to how you think your marriage would work over the long term.

Figure out how to spend some time together. Go skiing. Take up roller blading, kayaking or volleyball.

There's so much to do together but you first have to have the WANT to do things together. Doesn't sound like he has that.

As for the cooking and cleaning and him not helping. That's your fault. Stop doing it!!!! Divide up the chores and make him do some. Put your foot down. It's as simple as that.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[eightball61]

You are in the right and he should compromise. Sure he has a hobby and its actually quite healthy for the both of you to have hobbies. When being in a relationship for growth though you have to learn to manage time. Sure he works and like to relax but you are in the same boat as he is and its not making it fair at all.

Instead of argueing or getting into a fight about this try making a to-do list for chores. Seperate everything to what you think is equal. Durning dinner discuss to him what needs to be done and leave this on the fridge. If he can't learn it this way then just stop doing his laundry, making meal, ect for him. Agueing has proven not to get you anywheres so this needs to be delt with just giving up.

As for the computer though this is another biggie he needs to compromise with. Ita a hobby to him but he can also relax with you. Denicate and hour to an hour-n-a-half each night where he can't go on. If he doesn't get it then unplug that computer or turn off the circut brakers and spend time with just candles. You both can relax with this time but it sux you may have to do it with force it if doesn't click to him. Hope this helps some..

[luvme4ever]

hehe. this is cute, cuz you yell at your bf for playing game.. as for me, i yell at my brother for playing game. Well here's my advice. let him play all the game he wants. you, go find something to keep your mind occuppied. just treat him the way he treated u. He'll eventually will feel lonely, and will find his own way back to you and put the game away for good.

[Sezario20]

I think you should accedentally break the computer one day while cleaning ;)

[bdtraders]

Luvme4ever said it best, treat him the way hes treating you. Why are you ALLOWING him to just sit there and play games, stop doing his laundry, eat before he gets home. When he gets on the computer, leave, go window shopping, watch tv, read a book, find a hobby for you. You have had your talk and that didnt work for to long, so now ignore him, make yourself like you could care less. Get his mind working on something other then the game, the more he notices you are pulling away he will do one of two things,
1. he will start paying more attention to you becuase he thinks your getting it elseware.
2. he will continue to ignore you and play games and this will tell you he dosent really love you.

Dont put up with his crap. You have feelings and either he nurtures those feelings or someone else does. Simple as that.

[Howard]

I think you should accedentally break the computer one day while cleaning ;)


No,That's not gonna help one bit. :rolleyes:
most likely that'll release her fustration out.