Fiance's Temper problem.

[VforVamina]

So, here is the basic jazz of my situation. I won't get too detailed about it just yet.

Me and my fiance had known each other for about eight years, dated on and off, and finally got together about four years ago. I asked her to marry me about a year or so after that.

Well shes moved in with me and there is a lot of joy between us.

However there are some problems. A lot of it stems from my mind set and the way I feel about life and stuff, the fact that I am the most liberal conservative you'll ever meet, I know it makes no sense but just hear me out.

The general problem I think, and the one that causes the most problems for me inside, is her temper.

She doesn't have a destroy stuff temper, but an angry snappy temper. I know a lot of women have these, but this one is slightly unnatural.

She tends to go off the deep end for no reason sometimes, just right out of the blue. A bad temper runs in her family so I blame that for most of it.

But simple things like me asking a plain question like "Where are my socks" results in an explosion that is completely unnecessary. Now I am kind of sheepish around her, I find it hard to yell back because she can DISH it but in no way shape or form take it.

She practically breaks down and if I tell her shes being unreasonable she breaks down even if I'm nice about it.

So I guess, for this problem, which is one of our many problems, I need to know. Is there anyway to respond to her yells and freakouts.

Please don't give me the line of "this is how women normally act" though. I've heard that one a million times. I've seen other women with there lovers and they don't get quite this bad.

I know there are men with the same problem and have been given ways to handle it but I just don't know how, I need a bit of that type of advise.

[Rich]

Why do you need to handle being disrespected and treated like that? Why should you accept that kind of behavior.

what your fiance needs to learn is that acting that way is unacceptable, nor conducive to having a successful and happy long term relationship. Whether it's with you or with any other guy, that type of behavior just won't work.

Your fiance needs to get professional help to learn how to deal with anger and discover why she acts the way that she does. If she wants to have a happy long lasting marriage then she needs to get a handle on that.

Alot of guys will tolerate that type of crap for awhile when the is really good (guys are predictable like that), but dwindles over time in a relationship and when it does, then the guy decides putting up with that crap is no longer worth it and moves on.

She needs help and your cowtowing to her and walking on egg shells not wanting to rock the boat won't help things. Actually it'll cause resentment from you towards her which will help to ruin the relationship.

Having a bad temper with a hair trigger is never a good thing. Imagine her being pregnant and her hormones really messing with her. Could you live with here then?

This problem is hers, not yours.

[eightball61]

The temper issue may or may nor be genetic however it's up to you on whether you can continue this into a life long commitment. Can you? Obviously not if you're here to seek alternatives....

Unfortunately, this is who she is and professional guidance may be the key for her however it's only going to help her see another outlook life. There will be always instances where her anger pops up again because this is who she is. The question you have to ask yourself "is this what I want???" Remember, a ring, marriage, nor even a kid will fix these issues. Be mindful now.....I wish you the best of luck.

[VforVamina]

The temper issue may or may nor be genetic however it's up to you on whether you can continue this into a life long commitment. Can you? Obviously not if you're here to seek alternatives....

Unfortunately, this is who she is and professional guidance may be the key for her however it's only going to help her see another outlook life. There will be always instances where her anger pops up again because this is who she is. The question you have to ask yourself "is this what I want???" Remember, a ring, marriage, nor even a kid will fix these issues. Be mindful now.....I wish you the best of luck.

I guess in the long run all I want is to make this thing work. I don't give up on anything and I know she loves me.

The good side of her is the best thing in the world, but I I know there has got to be some way to let her know she is being unreasonable and childish without it leading to more problems.

I mean, would secretly recording her when she is acting like this and showing it to her help?

I can't give up on this, but I've got to settle this down. I've seen way worse people completely change and turn things around, I just need to know what the heck they did.

My mom used to be exactly like my fiance, and now shes the sweetest person ever and she never snaps. Granted she was humbled by two near death experiences in one year. I don't want things to get this extreme.

[smackie9]

She sounds Manic-depressant. I grew up with a manic mother. You wouldn't want to inflict this onto your kids either. This disorder untreated leads to things like alcoholism. So this is it....you must get her diagnosed and take it from there. If she doesn't co-operate, don't destroy your life and your future children's lives being married to this person.

[eightball61]

I mean, would secretly recording her when she is acting like this and showing it to her help? Nope...It may seem right and make sense to you however if you want to dodge a huge fight this isn't the way to go(my suggestion).

I can't give up on this, but I've got to settle this down. I've seen way worse people completely change and turn things around, I just need to know what the heck they did.

My mom used to be exactly like my fiance, and now shes the sweetest person ever and she never snaps. Granted she was humbled by two near death experiences in one year. I don't want things to get this extreme.


Sometimes it a maturity thing...Some people outgrow while some don't.









Like you said, you just want to make this work & I don't blame you man but you need to look what may best benefit you. Where not saingfor you to enditwith her but trying toget you to think outside of the box with an outsiders opinion as well. Remember, you want to settle and now someone out there is better but how long are you willing to look??? Ask yourself with this current GF....Can I see a future with her? Kids? Am I regretting anything now? Am I just sticking along because I want to settle?

Really, do a pro's and con's about your relationship...If you find you have alot of con's then that should give you an idea about your future with her...lol


The questions here seem simple to answer yes or no but you need to think about these. Again if you find you're making too much con's about her then its not worth the struggle because divorce can be ugly, heartbreaking, and you'll lose out on what you work on in life.


Remember, we learn life by the decisions we make. No decision here by you will be wrong...Either route you'll learn and adjust.

[adoodle]

Sounds to me like she may have an underlying personality or mental disorder along the lines of bi-polar or borderline personality. You should be very careful here before getting into a marriage or staying together as these things tend to only get worse.
I feel it would be fair for you to ask her to get a doctors exam for the anger and maybe ask she looks into anger management and not put it off as "some female thing".
Think about a lifetime of this with her !!! or if you have kids, how she will be to them !!! If she does not at least get a serious evaluation you should maybe not marry because it does not sound like her temper will get better.

[MattHelm]

I totally agree with everyone who suggests she get the help of a mental health professional. If she refuses, or lays a guilt trip on you, i.e, starts to cry, says you think she's "crazy", then I suggest you reconsider this relationship.

You can only control yourself, you can't control other people. While she may have continued this behavior because it has been tolerated all these years and it has served her needs, she may also have a real mental condition. So if you choose not to accept this behavior and she chooses to continue it or not seek help, then I hope you will change your belief that you "don't give up on anything" and then change your marriage plans. Your job in life is to be happy, not walk on eggshells.

Good Luck.
-MH

[PrincessB]

I come from a family with anger and stress issues. Its funny how people don't believe how we're related because I made the decision to not allow genetics to be an excuse and chose to be different.

Are you ready to have kids with this woman? Seriously now, you may have feelings for the girl and may be a wonderful woman but this is a serious problem. Don't let fantasies of happily ever after to confuse you; Marriage is not going to fix this and I would advise you to post pone making anything legal with this girl until this serious problem is fixed.

She needs help and the greatest gift you can give her is the nudge towards getting that help and the worst you could do to this girl is marry her and accept this behavior. If she doesn't want/accept help then you are welcome to spend the rest of your life on eggshells or you can make the difficult but necessary decision to move on and do the right thing. Staying in an abusive relationship is not giving up or a failure. You would be failing yourself and her by staying.

[ehawk2188]

Your fiancee may need therapy. That helps a lot with situations like this.