hmmm
06-29-2009, 11:27 PM
Hello all
Long one so bear with!
Im having some issues with my bloke.. regarding the dreaded .. Weve been together for 9 months now and for the first few months it was never really an issue. Id see him 3 or 4 times a week and i never questioned how much he'd look at it when I wasnt with him. We were having a casual chat about it about 4 months ago and I got the impression he does it pretty much every night that I dont see him. After a few days of thinking about it I realised that i wasnt too happy about it as we were having pretty much every time we met anyway, so I asked him if he could try and cut down, better still just stop. I explained how I thought it was ok to do normally but when your in a relationship its not really necissary and a bit wrong etc etc. He said he understood and could see what I mean and that he'd stop. So I didnt bring it up for a few weeks thinking it was all sorted.
We had some kind of issue a few weeks on and the issue cropped up again, he told me reluctantly he was still doing it and I got a bit upset on the phone, I told him it hurts me when he does it and I want him to be all mine kind of thing and not fantasize over other women. He promised me he wouldnt do it ever again, swore on his sons life, really went to town on reassuring me, 'just let me in, trust me again' etc.
So, we had this moment between us and it got reslolved.
Nearly a week on I didnt think for a second he was doing it, I casually asked him 'so hows the free life going?' and I got a stumbling answer back of 'erm yes its ok'. Obviously I picked up on the doubt and asked him more, 2 HOURS later of him lying, swearing on his sons life he was telling the truth, getting aggitated and visibly uncomfortable the more he lied, he then confesses to doing it twice since he made the promise to me on the phone a week before, and the last time he did it was the day before, which was only the day after we had had last.
I was looking at him lying and how he was acting and it was cringworthy, he was riddled with guilt but just didnt admit it. Even when he did he was justifying it, 'yes I looked at it but it was only google images of women and not hardcore '. He didnt seem to have any remorse for it. I had to make out to him that 'i didnt mind him doing it' just to get him to confess.
So anyway, I asked him to leave and told him i didnt want to speak to him again. It was more the lies that put me off him. Anyway.. I get calls and texts from him saying how sorry he was and we met up a couple of days later. He tells me the was more of an issue than he thought and that he would do anything to have me back and swore to me it wouldnt happen again. The issue dragged for about 4 days, I was unsure what to think or believe. I did in the back of my mind think he may have just been saying it all and had no intenetion of sticking to it as he didnt last time.. but I went with my heart and gave it another go. We had a long chat on the 4th day that dragged on to the early hours, he promised me he would never ask for another chance, he didnt want to it up again but just wanted one chance. So I did.. On the condition that I had his laptop (that lived in his room) at my house til I feel I can trust him again. He didnt hesistate at the idea and gave it straight over. Even bought a book on ' addiction'. Well, i made him buy it!
This is about 2 & 1/2 months ago now and ive still got the laptop here. A new issue about it seems to have risen. His dad has a computer in their front room which he has been using for eBay etc. Ive had a few little doubts thinking 'he might' but if ive brought it up hes always reassured me. We spent the night together on Friday, had a few drinks, I asked him if he has looked at any since that last time months ago. He told me he hadnt. I noticed a slight hesistation so I asked a few more times. He then says that he was looking on Yahoo news and come accross an article on Mel B from the Spice Girls doing some Berlesque show. He told me he opened the page and there was two pictures of her with it all out. He couldnt help but get turned on, he sat with his dad watching TV for a few hours then 'sorted himself out' later that night before going to sleep. I was a bit put out by it but thought, well he didnt exaclty hunt for it so ok. I asked him if that was it and he promised me and swore on his boys life again that he was telling the truth. Very believable so I believed him!
Weve just spent the weekend together and its been in the back of my mind still a bit. I brought it up with him yesterday again and wanted to know more. I think he forgot what he had told me on Friday and the story changed to 'I seen her pictures on Yahoo then 10 minutes later I popped upstairs to **** and then I come back down to chat to my dad before going to bed.' Because of this story change I then didnt believe he had only looked at the two pictures on the website so I looked it up on Yahoo myself to see what he seen. The article had no photos of her in any show but did mention it within text. He reluctantly stuck to the story of seeing pictures on Yahoo when he'd seen it. So, I then say, OK i'll message Yahoo and ask them if they have taken off any photos since putting the article up...... He then admits he did a Google search of it after reading the article, and may have got confused whether he seem it on Yahoo or Google. After about half an hour of more confusion and potential lies he then says also that he 'may have' changed the text he was looking up a few times to just 'Burlesque show' rather than looking up 'Mel B in particular' but he 'couldnt remember'.
..Well the reason he and i justified the issue in the first place was because he was only interested in seeing what one of the ex spice girls was doing.. and then he ends up looking at any burlesque show pictures then going up for a wank.. So surely thats going back to the thing?! He thinks not for some reason he cant explain, i ask if HE thinks hes done anything wrong and after getting defensive and moody for no reason, he then says no.
So anyway, this whole new confession put a mega doubt in my head and I thought, this i need to know the truth once and for all, me having his laptop obviously doesnt prevent him from doing it, and hes still lying so what more??
So I told him I want him to do a lie detector! I looked it up on a website, they travel to you, they ask 3 questions you would like to know and a load of other questions to get the readings right. I told him if it comes back saying hes lying he will pay, if not then we both will pay. Fair enough. He gets all shifty and nervous about it, starts acting how he did when i confronted him months before about it. I read out the info on the website and he picked up on the '98% accurate bit' saying that he might fall into this 2%. I told him I will get the person to ask the same question 3 times then just incase. He gets all edgey again and goes quiet. I said to him, if we have to go through all of this humiuliation and it turns out your lying then your out on your and were done, but if theres anything you want to tell me now before then yes i might get in a piss but we can talk about it. He just stays quiet. I looked at him and said you want to tell me something dont you.. He hesistates then says no theres nothing. He said at one point "if.. no.. when it comes back that im telling the truth..." Might have been a slip of the tongue i know but i cant help thinking the worst!
He does tend to lie to me about things, not just this, because (i quote) 'He doesnt want to hurt me'. His nutty ex had confessed her love to him about 5 months ago and he only told me that the other day when I asked him to tell me anything else hes lied about. Hes swore blind for months she hasnt ever said anything like that. Theres lots of things he tells me porkies about and every time he promises he wont again, and then he does, I dont know why. But this thing has become a mega issue, and he acts really really dodgey about it. Today hes had a whole change of heart saying 'ok lets do it book it now i want to do it', a big change from last nights behaviour!
I just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar issue with this or what you think about my situation.. If youve managed to read through all of it! (sorry!) Any advice is appreciated! I dont want to float along like a twit and not realise if im being a complete mug!
Long one so bear with!
Im having some issues with my bloke.. regarding the dreaded .. Weve been together for 9 months now and for the first few months it was never really an issue. Id see him 3 or 4 times a week and i never questioned how much he'd look at it when I wasnt with him. We were having a casual chat about it about 4 months ago and I got the impression he does it pretty much every night that I dont see him. After a few days of thinking about it I realised that i wasnt too happy about it as we were having pretty much every time we met anyway, so I asked him if he could try and cut down, better still just stop. I explained how I thought it was ok to do normally but when your in a relationship its not really necissary and a bit wrong etc etc. He said he understood and could see what I mean and that he'd stop. So I didnt bring it up for a few weeks thinking it was all sorted.
We had some kind of issue a few weeks on and the issue cropped up again, he told me reluctantly he was still doing it and I got a bit upset on the phone, I told him it hurts me when he does it and I want him to be all mine kind of thing and not fantasize over other women. He promised me he wouldnt do it ever again, swore on his sons life, really went to town on reassuring me, 'just let me in, trust me again' etc.
So, we had this moment between us and it got reslolved.
Nearly a week on I didnt think for a second he was doing it, I casually asked him 'so hows the free life going?' and I got a stumbling answer back of 'erm yes its ok'. Obviously I picked up on the doubt and asked him more, 2 HOURS later of him lying, swearing on his sons life he was telling the truth, getting aggitated and visibly uncomfortable the more he lied, he then confesses to doing it twice since he made the promise to me on the phone a week before, and the last time he did it was the day before, which was only the day after we had had last.
I was looking at him lying and how he was acting and it was cringworthy, he was riddled with guilt but just didnt admit it. Even when he did he was justifying it, 'yes I looked at it but it was only google images of women and not hardcore '. He didnt seem to have any remorse for it. I had to make out to him that 'i didnt mind him doing it' just to get him to confess.
So anyway, I asked him to leave and told him i didnt want to speak to him again. It was more the lies that put me off him. Anyway.. I get calls and texts from him saying how sorry he was and we met up a couple of days later. He tells me the was more of an issue than he thought and that he would do anything to have me back and swore to me it wouldnt happen again. The issue dragged for about 4 days, I was unsure what to think or believe. I did in the back of my mind think he may have just been saying it all and had no intenetion of sticking to it as he didnt last time.. but I went with my heart and gave it another go. We had a long chat on the 4th day that dragged on to the early hours, he promised me he would never ask for another chance, he didnt want to it up again but just wanted one chance. So I did.. On the condition that I had his laptop (that lived in his room) at my house til I feel I can trust him again. He didnt hesistate at the idea and gave it straight over. Even bought a book on ' addiction'. Well, i made him buy it!
This is about 2 & 1/2 months ago now and ive still got the laptop here. A new issue about it seems to have risen. His dad has a computer in their front room which he has been using for eBay etc. Ive had a few little doubts thinking 'he might' but if ive brought it up hes always reassured me. We spent the night together on Friday, had a few drinks, I asked him if he has looked at any since that last time months ago. He told me he hadnt. I noticed a slight hesistation so I asked a few more times. He then says that he was looking on Yahoo news and come accross an article on Mel B from the Spice Girls doing some Berlesque show. He told me he opened the page and there was two pictures of her with it all out. He couldnt help but get turned on, he sat with his dad watching TV for a few hours then 'sorted himself out' later that night before going to sleep. I was a bit put out by it but thought, well he didnt exaclty hunt for it so ok. I asked him if that was it and he promised me and swore on his boys life again that he was telling the truth. Very believable so I believed him!
Weve just spent the weekend together and its been in the back of my mind still a bit. I brought it up with him yesterday again and wanted to know more. I think he forgot what he had told me on Friday and the story changed to 'I seen her pictures on Yahoo then 10 minutes later I popped upstairs to **** and then I come back down to chat to my dad before going to bed.' Because of this story change I then didnt believe he had only looked at the two pictures on the website so I looked it up on Yahoo myself to see what he seen. The article had no photos of her in any show but did mention it within text. He reluctantly stuck to the story of seeing pictures on Yahoo when he'd seen it. So, I then say, OK i'll message Yahoo and ask them if they have taken off any photos since putting the article up...... He then admits he did a Google search of it after reading the article, and may have got confused whether he seem it on Yahoo or Google. After about half an hour of more confusion and potential lies he then says also that he 'may have' changed the text he was looking up a few times to just 'Burlesque show' rather than looking up 'Mel B in particular' but he 'couldnt remember'.
..Well the reason he and i justified the issue in the first place was because he was only interested in seeing what one of the ex spice girls was doing.. and then he ends up looking at any burlesque show pictures then going up for a wank.. So surely thats going back to the thing?! He thinks not for some reason he cant explain, i ask if HE thinks hes done anything wrong and after getting defensive and moody for no reason, he then says no.
So anyway, this whole new confession put a mega doubt in my head and I thought, this i need to know the truth once and for all, me having his laptop obviously doesnt prevent him from doing it, and hes still lying so what more??
So I told him I want him to do a lie detector! I looked it up on a website, they travel to you, they ask 3 questions you would like to know and a load of other questions to get the readings right. I told him if it comes back saying hes lying he will pay, if not then we both will pay. Fair enough. He gets all shifty and nervous about it, starts acting how he did when i confronted him months before about it. I read out the info on the website and he picked up on the '98% accurate bit' saying that he might fall into this 2%. I told him I will get the person to ask the same question 3 times then just incase. He gets all edgey again and goes quiet. I said to him, if we have to go through all of this humiuliation and it turns out your lying then your out on your and were done, but if theres anything you want to tell me now before then yes i might get in a piss but we can talk about it. He just stays quiet. I looked at him and said you want to tell me something dont you.. He hesistates then says no theres nothing. He said at one point "if.. no.. when it comes back that im telling the truth..." Might have been a slip of the tongue i know but i cant help thinking the worst!
He does tend to lie to me about things, not just this, because (i quote) 'He doesnt want to hurt me'. His nutty ex had confessed her love to him about 5 months ago and he only told me that the other day when I asked him to tell me anything else hes lied about. Hes swore blind for months she hasnt ever said anything like that. Theres lots of things he tells me porkies about and every time he promises he wont again, and then he does, I dont know why. But this thing has become a mega issue, and he acts really really dodgey about it. Today hes had a whole change of heart saying 'ok lets do it book it now i want to do it', a big change from last nights behaviour!
I just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar issue with this or what you think about my situation.. If youve managed to read through all of it! (sorry!) Any advice is appreciated! I dont want to float along like a twit and not realise if im being a complete mug!