Iamsoconfused
03-06-2005, 06:49 PM
This is going to be long and so I apologize. I really need advice and help, so please if you read this, respond if you can. Thank you so much. I will give all of the background information on this whole situation, and then I will explain what is “wrong.”
I ‘dated’ a guy named “S” from May until December of 2003, off and on. The reason why I say ‘dated’ is because I could not technically date then, not until October of that year. By the way, I am 16 (Please don’t judge this situation on my age). Anyways, I dated him off and on for about 7 months. To me, he was my first love, but he was also the first boy that really hurt me. We were both immature at the time and had no real life experienced behind us. But, I was drawn to this boy; he was the “bad boy” and I was the complete opposite. I was so drawn to him, mainly at first for that reason; he was so different from me, and I loved it.
I never in a million years thought that this boy would like me. I was just your average person who tried to make it day through day. I wasn’t a “bad” kid; in fact, I was probably half way toward the opposite of that. But, regardless of all of that, he liked me. He choose to like me. Think at what a 14-year-old girl, like I was then, felt. I felt like the most special girl in the entire world. He asked me out and everyone wondered what the heck I was doing, dating this kid. He was immature like any normal 14 year old, but worse, he did a lot of bad things (immature things), and well quite frankly he was a jerk. But that didn’t affect me, because I was his girlfriend.
I am sure you all are probably thinking: “Wow, you picked a real prize.” But, he was the first boy I actually was half way toward dating. Every other boy at this point that I went “out” with, it was the typical eat lunch together and just having the novelty of saying “he or she is my girlfriend/boyfriend” when you really can’t be boyfriend and girlfriend/dating, if you aren’t really dating; you are not even seeing each other outside of school. If that makes sense.
With “S” though, we did in a way date. I would lie to my Mom and during the summer (I was home alone) I would go over to his house. After school, I would go to his house. He would do the same when my Mom would be away for a while. I was not allowed to date at this point in my life, no 14 year old should be able to date, but I didn’t care because I loved him. Some people I am sure think that a 14-year-old girl has no clue about love, but looking back on it, despite the bad feelings I had toward him for quite some time, I know I did indeed love him.
So anyways, I would sneak over there and such for all of those months; my Mom never knew. Back then, her and I had a horrible relationship, so I really didn’t care if she would approve or not. He was the first boy I ever kissed, he was the first boy that ever really hugged me – in a different way other than the normal hug, if that makes any sense, he was the first boy that I did anything with (No, we never had ). He was my first for everything, including my first heartbreaks.
Even though I liked him so much, he treated me like a jerk. At that time, he was probably the most immature person I knew. He was more self-involved then, and wanted me more for the novelty of having me. He never really wanted to talk to me on the phone, he would talk to me online sometimes, and he never really told me how “he felt.” I wondered if he even felt anything. He was not the type of person to ever share his feelings; he was trying to be some big bad hard ass. It worked I guess. We broke up about 3 times; I did it twice and he did it once. The first time we broke up, I just got fed up with everything and I broke up with him. The second time, it was in a way mutual, but more of him than me.
Speaking of that second break up, I messed up a lot in my life during the few months until we would date again. I hung out with the wrong people, I did stuff with a few other guys to just try and ease the pain – I know that is not an “excuse” and was wrong, and I drank some. At that point in my life, I couldn’t deal with anything that ever happened, especially not that. After not being together for 3 months or so, he wanted to date again. At this point however, I was already dating someone else; I was actually allowed to date at this point.
“S” and I ended very badly. Things were said and it was just complete and utter drama. He hated me and quite frankly, I felt the same. I hated him for wasting my time, I hated him for hurting me, I hated him for “using” me, I hated him for everything. I look back to that time, and I realize just how immature and dramatic it all was; to be so clueless about life…
I started dating “J” in November of 2003. He is a year older than me and completely different than “S”. He is more emotional and tends to show his emotions way more than “S” did; a little too much really. He is very romantic and shows it. I was so drawn to him because he was so different than “S” and at that point in my life, that is what I needed. I fell for him very fast, faster than I probably should have allowed myself to. But I was on cloud 9, more than I should have been; I fell so hard shortly after.
“S” came back into my life the next month. He came back fast and hard. He told me that he wanted to be with me again. Real (dating) relationships were new to me and I didn’t even know what to do. But, instead of staying with “J” I went back to an old habit; “S”. I really broke “J”’s heart, and he hated me for it. We didn’t date that long, but I really think it hurt him. So, I started dating “S” and shortly after, I realized I had made a mistake. Actually, I didn’t know what I really wanted. I decided to end things with “S” and try to get “J” to take me back. I felt that what was missing was “J”
“J” hated me for so long and would not even talk to me. He would not really talk to me for 2 weeks, even though I tried so hard to get him to. Finally, on December 20th of 2003, he talked to me. He told me that he realized that being a jerk was not going to make him not like me any less or forget about it. He decided that we could go to a movie the next day and see how things went. I prayed so hard that he would decided to be with me again. He did decide to be with me again. Since December 21st of 2003, we have been together (Except for the 2 little less than a day “Break-ups” :rolleyes: .. I will explain those in a bit).
At first, I didn’t want to get too close. But, that feeling shortly ended. We became the “perfect” couple, the one everyone wanted to be. It felt good, but at the same time; I think that was the downfall. Everyone said we were perfect and for a bit, I thought so too. It’s a hard thing to realize; that everything is not “perfect.” From December to May we were doing pretty well. Of course, we had some rough spots; but what relationship doesn’t? In May, everything changed. My Dad passed away and in a way, a bit of our relationship left with him. I became depressed and just so unattached to “J”. I didn’t even want to see him for so long. Finally, I came out of it and we tried to basically rebuild us again; as everything sort of came crashing down at this point.
CONTINUED ON NEXT POST
I ‘dated’ a guy named “S” from May until December of 2003, off and on. The reason why I say ‘dated’ is because I could not technically date then, not until October of that year. By the way, I am 16 (Please don’t judge this situation on my age). Anyways, I dated him off and on for about 7 months. To me, he was my first love, but he was also the first boy that really hurt me. We were both immature at the time and had no real life experienced behind us. But, I was drawn to this boy; he was the “bad boy” and I was the complete opposite. I was so drawn to him, mainly at first for that reason; he was so different from me, and I loved it.
I never in a million years thought that this boy would like me. I was just your average person who tried to make it day through day. I wasn’t a “bad” kid; in fact, I was probably half way toward the opposite of that. But, regardless of all of that, he liked me. He choose to like me. Think at what a 14-year-old girl, like I was then, felt. I felt like the most special girl in the entire world. He asked me out and everyone wondered what the heck I was doing, dating this kid. He was immature like any normal 14 year old, but worse, he did a lot of bad things (immature things), and well quite frankly he was a jerk. But that didn’t affect me, because I was his girlfriend.
I am sure you all are probably thinking: “Wow, you picked a real prize.” But, he was the first boy I actually was half way toward dating. Every other boy at this point that I went “out” with, it was the typical eat lunch together and just having the novelty of saying “he or she is my girlfriend/boyfriend” when you really can’t be boyfriend and girlfriend/dating, if you aren’t really dating; you are not even seeing each other outside of school. If that makes sense.
With “S” though, we did in a way date. I would lie to my Mom and during the summer (I was home alone) I would go over to his house. After school, I would go to his house. He would do the same when my Mom would be away for a while. I was not allowed to date at this point in my life, no 14 year old should be able to date, but I didn’t care because I loved him. Some people I am sure think that a 14-year-old girl has no clue about love, but looking back on it, despite the bad feelings I had toward him for quite some time, I know I did indeed love him.
So anyways, I would sneak over there and such for all of those months; my Mom never knew. Back then, her and I had a horrible relationship, so I really didn’t care if she would approve or not. He was the first boy I ever kissed, he was the first boy that ever really hugged me – in a different way other than the normal hug, if that makes any sense, he was the first boy that I did anything with (No, we never had ). He was my first for everything, including my first heartbreaks.
Even though I liked him so much, he treated me like a jerk. At that time, he was probably the most immature person I knew. He was more self-involved then, and wanted me more for the novelty of having me. He never really wanted to talk to me on the phone, he would talk to me online sometimes, and he never really told me how “he felt.” I wondered if he even felt anything. He was not the type of person to ever share his feelings; he was trying to be some big bad hard ass. It worked I guess. We broke up about 3 times; I did it twice and he did it once. The first time we broke up, I just got fed up with everything and I broke up with him. The second time, it was in a way mutual, but more of him than me.
Speaking of that second break up, I messed up a lot in my life during the few months until we would date again. I hung out with the wrong people, I did stuff with a few other guys to just try and ease the pain – I know that is not an “excuse” and was wrong, and I drank some. At that point in my life, I couldn’t deal with anything that ever happened, especially not that. After not being together for 3 months or so, he wanted to date again. At this point however, I was already dating someone else; I was actually allowed to date at this point.
“S” and I ended very badly. Things were said and it was just complete and utter drama. He hated me and quite frankly, I felt the same. I hated him for wasting my time, I hated him for hurting me, I hated him for “using” me, I hated him for everything. I look back to that time, and I realize just how immature and dramatic it all was; to be so clueless about life…
I started dating “J” in November of 2003. He is a year older than me and completely different than “S”. He is more emotional and tends to show his emotions way more than “S” did; a little too much really. He is very romantic and shows it. I was so drawn to him because he was so different than “S” and at that point in my life, that is what I needed. I fell for him very fast, faster than I probably should have allowed myself to. But I was on cloud 9, more than I should have been; I fell so hard shortly after.
“S” came back into my life the next month. He came back fast and hard. He told me that he wanted to be with me again. Real (dating) relationships were new to me and I didn’t even know what to do. But, instead of staying with “J” I went back to an old habit; “S”. I really broke “J”’s heart, and he hated me for it. We didn’t date that long, but I really think it hurt him. So, I started dating “S” and shortly after, I realized I had made a mistake. Actually, I didn’t know what I really wanted. I decided to end things with “S” and try to get “J” to take me back. I felt that what was missing was “J”
“J” hated me for so long and would not even talk to me. He would not really talk to me for 2 weeks, even though I tried so hard to get him to. Finally, on December 20th of 2003, he talked to me. He told me that he realized that being a jerk was not going to make him not like me any less or forget about it. He decided that we could go to a movie the next day and see how things went. I prayed so hard that he would decided to be with me again. He did decide to be with me again. Since December 21st of 2003, we have been together (Except for the 2 little less than a day “Break-ups” :rolleyes: .. I will explain those in a bit).
At first, I didn’t want to get too close. But, that feeling shortly ended. We became the “perfect” couple, the one everyone wanted to be. It felt good, but at the same time; I think that was the downfall. Everyone said we were perfect and for a bit, I thought so too. It’s a hard thing to realize; that everything is not “perfect.” From December to May we were doing pretty well. Of course, we had some rough spots; but what relationship doesn’t? In May, everything changed. My Dad passed away and in a way, a bit of our relationship left with him. I became depressed and just so unattached to “J”. I didn’t even want to see him for so long. Finally, I came out of it and we tried to basically rebuild us again; as everything sort of came crashing down at this point.
CONTINUED ON NEXT POST