i need to improve myself NOW

[Xfoxyblondex]

ok so ive been with my boyfriend for 7months and i've always had a hard time with lying. i lied to him big time in the beginnign of the relationship and got caught.. i told him i wouldnt do it anymore and i did gaain and again i got caught.. now recently i got caught again and he told me he was going to break up with me..i cried hysterically and im vowing to him to change.. i have problems i know this and i definitley have changed my ways of lying.. but he doesnt see this.. i dont blame him but i cant help getting upset everytime he doesnt believe me.. what should i do? i keep handling our problems ALL wrong... :confused:

[eightball61]

The good thing here is that you see you need to make a change. You are so used of lieing that you continue to do it. Try seeking some counseling alone or together so you both can learn how to work together rather than apart. He has been a good sport in tollerating this but keep the lieing up is only going to send him away. If you want to keep him then your mind should click to whats best...If you are not ready for this longterm relationship then end it now.

[Rich]

You need to ask yourself why you feel the need to lie.

That's what you need to get to the bottom of. Why do you do it?

Do you not trust how your BF will handle the truth? Have you done it once and he reacted in a bad way, so now it's easier to lie?

Lying just shows a lack of respect towards your boyfriend and relationship.

I find it hard to accept that you can't control it. Let's look at this. Right at the moment that you have the opportunity to either tell the truth about something, or lie, you're making the conscious decision to lie.

At that exact moment in your head, you're asking yourself, do I lie right now or do I tell the truth and you're picking to lie. It's as simple as that. You need to ask yourself, what is it that is making you lie right at that moment. What are you afraid of that you're lying?

You can control your lying if you wanted to, you just don't want to do it. It's a cop out to say that you can't control your lying. That's a crock.

I would say it was different and that you needed help if it was a subconscious decision on your part to lie, but it isn't. Right at that moment of either telling the truth or lying, you're choosing to lie. It's as simple as that.

So just choose to not lie and just tell the truth.

Look at it this way. If you feel that you're going to get in trouble anyway, then you might as well just tell the truth. The truth is always the way. Plus lying just makes you have to lie more to cover up the original lie. You always have to remember what you said to who.

Trust me, telling the truth will make you feel so much better because you'll have mental ease. You won't always have to think who you said what to.

Give it a shot, but stop lying to yourself that you can't control your lying because you can if you REALLY wanted to.

Rich

[MissCheivious]

I agree with Rich on this one. You can change if you want to. Being honest isn't a hard thing to do. In fact, it's what we're suppose to do and usually if we have to do a certain thing, as humans, we rebel. You need to look at yourself and figure out why you lie to people. Are you trying to impress them because you don't think you're interesting? Are you doing things that you know your b/f wouldn't approve of? Why do you expect someone to love you unconditionally if you can't be honest? These are all tough questions but you need to ask yourself this everytime you're tempted to lie. You know the feeling you get when someone lies to you and if you truly love someone, you wouldn't want to do that to them. It's not an overnight process, you'll have to examine yourself mentally on a daily basis and identify when you start lying and stop it. You can't do this for your b/f, you have to do this for yourself. Remember that there are a few times in life that you can find someone who loves you for you and that you click with. You don't want to mess that up and sometimes, when you're lucky, you find a great person to share your life with and that makes you see all the ways you've lived before aren't good enough for them and you'll want to change. To keep up that change, you have do want to do that for yourself. Be honest with yourself and don't get mad when people don't trust you. You'll have to earn that trust back and remember that it's not a given in life that someone loves you no matter what. Good luck.

[Xfoxyblondex]

thanks so much for all the great advice.. i WANT to change for myself and so that's what ill do.. i think your all right in what you have to say and i appreciate your help.. when i get tempted next time the best thing to do is just stop myself and really thinka bout what im about to do.. i hope everything turns out great thanks again :rolleyes:

[eightball61]

What made you not try to stop yourself before?

[Xfoxyblondex]

i always thought my lies were no big deal and that they were just small little ones. now i finally realize what kind of damage it did and how badly it hurt him..it dsounds ridiculous but its the truth.. i never saw my lies as a horribel thing until he came into my life.. and forem habit it was really hard to let go of them.. plus like i said they seemed so small to me.. but i do understand now the impact they have on a relationship and im afraid its too late :(

[eightball61]

Its a tough habit to get over. My goal is to get you think about why you have done it to keep you on track to stop it. You see the wrong doing and you now it now needs to stop. He is a good guy to continue to take you back but you know what will eventually happen if you continue. You can ask for his help or support but this one comes all from you.

[missy1985]

basically you just shouldn't lie....end of!
i'm sure you wouldn't like it if you were being constnatly lied to, you would find it hard to believe when you were actually being told the truth too.

L x

[Rich]

Foxyblonde-

Good luck with your decision to tell the truth. We wish you all the best.

There's a good saying in regards to relationships and life and it goes like this. THINK BEFORE YOU SAY.

In general, before responding to anything, take a second and think. This goes for arguments too. Before just lashing out and saying something hurtful, think about what you're about to say and it's ramifications.

Not saying any of this is easy, it just takes practice.

Once again, good luck.

Rich

<< Moderator Edit: URL removed. Put your homepage url in your profile, not in each post. >>

[gabo234]

Hi everyone. I'm the boyfriend...I thought it would be better if I didnt post so that the answers were more directed towards whatever she is trying to accomplish...but I'm just as much in need of help and advice as she is.

What I don't understand, and pretty much refuse to believe, is the fact that on the last chance given to her to straighten up the lieing, I told her that if she lied once more, I would end the relationship. Its been several months since this, and we talked the other night, and she came clean with a lot of lies that happened since then...most of them ridiculous lies that would not get anyone mad(one example being what she ate on a particular day :confused: ) and others were just lies to just lie...nothing that would even stimulate the emotion of anger or anything of the sort(like telling me that she told things to people that she never did)...

The first time that she was lieing to me, I actually understood why she lied, because the issues were actually sensitive to both of us, but I still felt there was no need to lie. In the begining of our relationship, I was hotheaded like crazy and very impatient, which was my initial mistake, but I changed that a long time ago. I always figured that she lied to me because of this temper, and that she was afraid to tell me the truth for fear of my reactions. It was understandable, but considering the fact that I am no longer like that, and the fact that the things she lies about now arent even cover-ups...they're just pure lies for pleasure, I am completely stuck on what to do. Last time she swore to me she wouldnt lie again, and I honestly believed it. She proved a lot of things to me that I felt uneasy about, and for a while I felt remotely comfortable with her and a certain trust being rebuilt.

However, now I feel as though she has taken it too far, and is just saying anything to remain in this relationship. I have never felt so torn about a decision I've had to make like I am now. We have shared so many good memories, built relationships with each others families, and have survived together so much...but it has only been seven months. Another rough part is that she lives in California and I live in Florida...so for the most part, all we have is phone calls and the webcam. The only satisfaction of this relationship is communication, and for both us this has been awesome...but without believing a word she says, what is there really? Can anyone please help me and tell me if I am making a decision on emotion and frustration or anger, or is this really just ridiculous for me to remain in this relationship?

[MissCheivious]

Well......this is tricky. You have a long distance relationship and basically all that that consists of is talking and lying is talking. Hmmmm....I don't buy that she lied to you because of your out of control temper. If you're not doing anything wrong, you have no reason to lie. There's never a good reason to lie to someone you love especially if it's about trivial things like what you ate. Honestly, some people just lie to lie. I have no idea why but I've had many friends that did that. For the most part, it's to cover up the fact that they don't find themselves interesting and think they have to make up things for people to like them, etc. It becomes such a way of life that they don't know how to stop. It CAN be stopped but it's not an overnight process. Only you can decide if your relationship is worth all this. Who's to say the lying won't begin again and this time, on a big level. You're the only one who can decide when enough is enough. IMO, people don't change. We are who we are. We can slip up and lose our way but for the most part, we don't change. I'm not saying that's it's impossible but take into consideration that it's more than likely to happen again. The best way I can tell you how to make a choice as big as this is to look at your life. Is there a void in it without her? It's a given that you'll miss her and stuff but I'm talking about a real void. You'll always think about what might've been but if you can't see yourself without this person, or if you have ALOT of faith in her, I say go for it. The second you catch her in a lie again, end it. No question, no arguements, nothing. That's the last LAST chance. That's all you can do. Ultimately, it's up to you. Faith can work wonders with some people. She's won half the battle, she's admitted the problem and wants to change. There will be stumbles so be prepared for that. Whatever you choose, I wish you both the best of luck. :)

[Xfoxyblondex]

so everybody knows, my boyfriend broke up with me.. ive been taking it very hard and i cants eem to let go. ive decided to seek help by going to a counseling program we have at my school.. i hear they do a very good job with problems and im in desperate need...i know what ive done is wrong and i dont think ill ever be able to forgive myself.. i hurt him so bad to where he doesnt even like me anymore..i cants top crying and i have absolutely no feeling..i cant think and my life seems pointless..i want things to get better because hes my frist love.. and i believe he'll be my only..ive never had something make me feel so horrible about myself and i truly want to make a complete turn around.. ive been telling him constantly that im ready to start over and ima new persona nd etc etc etc... but i think the only way we can ever have what we had is for me to go to counseling and sort my problems out so i can make sure im ont he right track and im not lying to myself..youve all helped out..and i thank u for giving your opinions at such a rough time for us.. i still love him and im ready to walk to the end of the world and back just to be his girl again.. i hope he can see what im tyrign to do to change myself.. and i hope we can still be together.. because im nothing without him... :(

[eightball61]

I am sorry to hear about what happened but try to use this to build on to the future. I used counseling programs at my school and it worked out good. You have to be really open minded to having someone else be there and help you. He was good to take you back a few times but you knew this was going to come.

You can't contro what happened in the past but you can learn from it and build yourself to be better than what you were before. We all make mistakes but we learn from them. Before you date for a while try doing the counseling and working on things for you. Try to be more open and write in a journal about your dailey thoughts. You have been accoustomed to lieing and that has put you in a bad situation. You have t change it and nows the time.


Gobo:

As I stated to foxy in the post time will come before you give up. You have been patient and giving her chances. Its heartbraking but there is only so much you can do to help. This is a problem that she sees and now has to fix it....to bad its to late though but she can fix for future relationships though.

[Rich]

Foxy-

Your lying sounds like it's a compulsive thing. Do you have any other compulsions? Hopefully your therapy will help.

The first part is to recognize that you have a problem and that you WANT to correct it. Since you've done that, hopefully the rest will fall into place. Hopefully your therapist will find that trigger that makes you lie and can correct it.



GABO---After giving so many chances, I would have ended it as well. Being in a relationship where you can't trust what your partner is telling you, sucks.



Foxy- Go get the help you need because you will need to correct this problem if you ever want to have a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship.

[gabo234]

Alright...after a lot of conversation and research, we've decided to try again. I feel that we're actually talking more open about it and she seems to really want to get to the bottom of it. I feel that her lying deals with childhood issues and MAJOR self-esteem problems. After talking last night, I feel as though we are actually getting somewhere, and she seems to be more receptive and open to realizing that it is a problem and we have to fix it.

She is in school right now, and already taken the first step to get into the counceling program. I understand that she has a problem with lying, but I honestly feel that it can and will be changed. I also realize that it can not be a sudden magical change, and that there might be times of slip ups, but I love her so much that I am willing to help get through this.

She's such a good person and such a beautiful girl, it amazes me how she can have such low self-esteem. However, I know that once we get her to understand how special she is, and that everyone has great qualities that make them unique and amazing, she will realize that there is no need to act or aspire to be someone that you are not.

If anyone knows of anywhere that we can get help on building confidence or how, we would appreciate the help.

To be honest, the trust is still not there on my part...it will be something she has to prove to me over time, but if it can restore what we've had, I'm willing to fight the good fight, and get through all of this. Once again, thanks to anyone who can help and to all those that have helped. :)

[eightball61]

The trust side if thing will take a while to accomplish. IF you both are really all about making it work again and try to build for the future then you can seek couples counseling and see how that works. You both have to work together on this one. She has a lot more work to do on her end but she will need to have your support and help to stay on track through this whole thing.

I can't determine what may happen in the future but if you find it to hard to trust then you know what you may have to do. At least you can look back and see that you did give it one last chance. She has been accoustomed to lieing and that has settled in her mind that its an ok thing to do. She now sees her problem which is a big step and now its time to try to work on things and see what happens.

[MissCheivious]

I'm glad to hear about the counseling and that you guys are going to try to work it out. It won't be easy but I think together, you both can do it. Good luck to you both. :)

[Xfoxyblondex]

hey u guys as u know gaboa nd i are tyrign it out again. hes such a blessign to have in my life. no one would stick up with me for this long. good news though im already feeling small changes. little steps right? already im just feeling better about myself and my self esteem seems to be raising little by little.. im going back to my roots.. dancin in my room and singing and just being happy. i realize its going to take a lot longer but i just thought id catch everybody up on how i was doing and how things are going so far. again thanks so muchf or everyones help and gabo- u know i love you.. keep your head up and stay strong :)

[eightball61]

I hope you both can work on the routes and please keep us posted.