Trust

[Spoiled21]

First of all, I want to say "Hi!" to everyone. This is my first time at this site. This is really long, but I could really use some input...

Here's my problem:

I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years now. About 8 months into our relationship, I found out he had been smoking pot practically every day. I had no idea he was doing this. I had asked him about it before this, but he swore and promised me he wasn't. He told me that if he did, he would tell me. We worked it out (he would tell me every time he smoked) and continued dating. I caught him a couple times after that lying about it and got really upset. Finally, he seemed to get the point. If he lied to me again, it was over. It's been a year or more now since I've caught him lying to me about anything. Unfortunately, I still don't trust him. His friends smoke all the time and he swears and promises he hasn't smoked without telling me, but I just can't trust him. In August, I went away to school, while he stayed home and now I see him about every two weeks and I never see his friends so they can't rat him out for me. This past week I realized how much this is eating at me. Every single time he goes out I question whether he's smoking or not. I asked him to do a drug test for me because it will help regain my trust towards him if he passes. He's totally against it and mad at me for even considering doing that.

Is it unreasonable for me to do this to my boyfriend if it will make me feel better? :(

[eightball61]

If you need it done for you sake of the trust then mention it. To be honest though I don't think the relationship will continue. The reason why is that this will cause a huge fight and things will just end. In a relationship I have always said if you can't trust then you move on. If you want to be with him then you will have to learn to trust him.


I know its hard from the lieing in the past and him being with his friends but you have to learn to trust. You allready made the statement that he will be done for good if caught again. I suggest you just keep that words and try to build from there. Those are his friends and its really not your place to choose his friends but he needs to figure a way to compromise also.

[Rich]

Typically pot addicts don't stop. Especially if they're hanging out with people that are still doing it.

Do you really think that after promising you that he was going to quit and then twice busting him, that he stopped cold turkey with you away at school with no way of checking on him?

Tell me yes and I have a bridge to sell you.

Trust your heart and leave him. Unless of course you want a druggie for a BF. Just know that if he is still doing pot, that he'll probably graduate to more powerful and addictive drugs.

If you're asking me, that's not the type of person that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with if I had the choice. There's nothing forcing you to stay with this guy. There are plenty of nice drug free guys out there.

Move on.

Rich
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[AlexCrystal]

I agree with RICH...although it's just not that easy to walk away from a two year or so relationship.
You can guarantee that he is still smoking pot...I mean, why wouldn't he? He's lied about it more than once...you know that deep down inside he is still doing it....and odds are he isn't going to stop anytime soon.

So..here are your two choices (in my opinion)

1. accept the fact he smokes pot.
2. break things off (because you know he smokes it...even if he says he doesn't). If he can lie about this...what else is he lying about?

Either decision you make will be hard, but you can't continue to live in limbo. Make a decision and stick to your guns about it. Good luck.

[Spoiled21]

Well, I just wrote a really long detailed reply for you guys, but my internet shut down on me. :mad: So, let me try this again in a shorter version.

I wanted to thank everyone for their input. I definitely hear what everyone has to say, but I still have some questions for you...

Is pot smoking that terrible? I honestly dont know why I hate pot, other than the fact that he lied to and hurt me. It seems the practically everyone smokes these days, except me and my best friend. Maybe it's the area I grew up in, but I'm not just talking about my group of friends, I mean my whole high school, my whole dorm practically. Am I overreacting to his social smoking with his buddies?

Should I give him the drug test? He very reluctantly agreed to take the test. (He feels I am trying to control him and I'm acting like his mom and he's upset that I don't believe him...) If he fails, it's over. If not, then I owe him a big apology and my trust will be restored. But, will that cause too many problems...

Should I just learn to trust him and accept him for who he is? If so, how do you learn to trust someone again? That may seem stupid, but I just don't know...

Thanks again, this has really been bringing me down lately, and you guys are definitely helping. Your responses are greatly appreciated! :)

[AlexCrystal]

1. It's not that pot smoking is so terrible... but it's illegal and I find that most people that get wrapped up into it become losers that don't do much with their life. Also, no matter what, it sounds like you don't like it...so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about pot...if you don't like it or don't like being with someone that does it...then that's your business and don't settle for less.

2. Don't waste your time with the drug test. So he passes it the one time you give it....doesn't mean he will remain drug free.

3. I wouldn't necessarily trust him at this point...he needs to earn that back. As far as accepting him as he is....only accept him if you can begin to trust him and he quits smoking....or accept him if you both agree that he can smoke and be open about it.

hope this helps.

[eightball61]

(He feels I am trying to control him and I'm acting like his mom and he's upset that I don't believe him...)



This is what I meant in my post. If he has agreed to take the test then just drop the whole subject and try to move on and work together. If you can't trust him then why be with him? Not in all cases but if he agreed to the test to me that says that he is willing to prove that he is not lieing.

The problem is if he takes the test what will that do? I mean he will still hang with his friends and you will still have the same assumption that he is still smoking. This comes to the conclusion as if you can't trust then you move on but you better learn to trust for your future relationships or you will be wodering why they are going to hell. The only time not to trust is if you have HARD EVIDENCE that a person is in the wrong. If you just have an assumption then that does no good. Think about this one before you make a decision.

[Spoiled21]

I'd really love to make this work and I'd like to be able to trust him again, but how do you learn to trust someone again? I honestly don't know...

This isn't the first time I've been hurt by trust. My dad is an alcoholic and comes in and out of my life whenever he pleases. He's made so many promises to me and I don't think he's kept one. I'm old enough now to realize this, but it still hurts. I guess this is why it hurt me so much that my boyfriend lied to me. He knew how much my dad had hurt me and then he went and did it and now I find it hard to trust again because of my deadbeat dad.

I just need some input on how to trust someone again.

Thanks again you guys....

[Rich]

Is smoking pot wrong?

Well, let's see. Other than that it's illegal, KILLS BRAIN CELLS, is an addiction that controls and will probably prevent your BF from landing and keeping any type of well paying job, well you decide.

Hey, it's your life. If you want to accept his behaviour, then please do.

And no, everyone doesn't do it.

Rich

[eightball61]

but how do you learn to trust someone again? I honestly don't know...



Thats something I can not answer because I dont think even the smartest people on earth can figure that out. Trust is very hard to gain once lost. The mind will always trigger all the bad thoughts over and over which makes it hard to move on. Eventually people just end up moving on after time because its to hard to trust.

Trust as I pointed out here and in other post is very important. If you can't trust then you will just drive your partner that much further away from you. You goal together in a relationship is work together. Many people do have jealousy or insecurity issues but they have to learn to work with it or things will just end in the relationship. My relationship almost ended a over a year ago because of my issues. I still have them and so doesn't my girlfriend but we have been able to work together with it rather than work against eachother.

[bdtraders]

I agree...

You can work through most issues with one word..Communication. If there is no communication is a relationship then it wont work. Eightball is right on when he says things can work out like his did, even mine did when i followed his and others advice on here. My GF and I were almost washed up, basicll yon my part until i put my foot down, made a stand and poured out my feelings. Shes really changed. One of the things i told her is that we dont communicate much anymore, recently she bought a book with hundreds of questions to spark communication between a couple. We do one each night. She also bought a devotional book that asks questions we have to answer as a couple to each other that talks about everyting, our fears, likes and dislikes. I can see that shes making steps and its even changing me for the better as well, i look back and see that yes she had her faults i hates but my major fault was my lack of communication. Talk to him tell him how you feel, and if it dosent change like i was told, then at least you gave it your all andcan nver say you didnt try everything.

[Spoiled21]

First of all, I believe smoking pot is wrong as well. I wasn't saying that everyone smokes. I am 19 yrs old, went to school in a very wealthy neighborhood and now am living in the dorm at college. I'm just telling you MY experiences with the people around me. I realize that not everyone smokes pot. I'm one of those people. Also, my boyfriend is 20 yrs old going to college full-time and working part-time at a great job where he makes good money right now, so it hasn't seemed to affect his life too bad and he's been smoking since he was probably 14. I'm not saying it hasn't affected him at all or that it will never affect him, I'm just saying...

Next, I just wanted to say thanks for your inputs on the trust issue. I'm definitely going to try to trust him. We've been together for two and a half years and neither of us are ready to walk away. We've both worked so hard at this and we've been able to make it work so far. Communication is definitely important! We'll see what happens...

If anyone else has any input on trusting people again, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

[eightball61]

I'm definitely going to try to trust him.
!


See how that new approach works and work it from there. Its hard to judge exactly how to control the mind on the who trust thing because its your thoughts that control that section of the brain. My only advice is if you try to stick it out then keep things positive and try to work out together the challenges life brings you both. He lied before which makes things the way they are now but if you want to be with him then you have to trust him.

[valueprep]

Straight out, the best relationship advice I can give you in this particular instant is that if he flat out refuses to oblige you in your request then move on!
I know it's probably not the answer you wanted to hear but all too often lack of respect in a relationship is usually a deal breaker.
Furthermore, if you seemingly want to progress individually, you simply can't when someone is on illicit substances in an intimate relationship with you. Look for relationships that are devoid of chemicals because they undrermine the very fabric that ties it together.

I wish you all the best,
Sincerely,
Brian Maloney,
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