please help! GF broke contact, found old dating profile

[pholy]

Hi, this is my first time posting. I have been dating this woman for about a year. She has trust issues (her ex husband cheated on her and it was traumatic). Top that off with me telling her early on that i had issues with cheating,etc. Well, during our relationship, she found a website i went to for just chatting/flirting etc. I never dated or met anyone from it, but she was upset since she discovered it. We patched things up, but this theme of not trusting has never gone away.

Well, yesterday she found another profile of mine from another site i dont even visit and i didnt know how to cancel the memebership. I got an email from there the other day and logged in to see who it was from - again just curious, not looking to cheat. She emailed me today and said she found it, she cant trust me, and is breaking up, no discussion. Now i know that yes i should have told her about the site, But also she is projecting this cheating thing all over me and i havent even cheated. she's going thru the whole internet looking for some reason. We are in different countries at the moment and she has been really unstable not being able to see me, told me she cant take missing me and what if we just didnt see each other anymore.

We had another issue with my staring at women, which i wasnt aware i did, but since she told me ive tried to be aware of it. We also had an issue about her being jealous of me having/meeting friends, especially female ones. I lost most of my close friends because of it.

I just dont know what to do. she blocked my calls, my email. I even thought about getting on a plane and going there, but im in the middle of classes and if i miss one day im screwed and she knows that. I am freaking out here. I just want her to know i didnt cheat but yes i should have told her about the site. any advice how to handle this? letter? go there? just wait?

thank you

[eightball61]

This may have been an old profile but because she caught you once doing something wrong then to her you are continuing this trend. Yes, she is hurt right now and I don't blame her. I mean she gave you the chance once. Yes you don't know how to erase the membership but you still logged on. We all learn from mistakes and you'll learn from this to. Sorry but you messed up.

[pholy]

thanks for your input. I can understand her point of view. I would raise an eyebrow too, but dont u think we could at least talk about it? i mean is seems she isnt interested in knowing the truth which is i wasnt looking for women. she wants to believe it almost. Its like there is no discussion - just unilateral decision..i dont know.

[PrincessB]

Wow. A whole lot of drama! I feel for you because you're pretty helpless to prove your innocence being in separate countries. Had you not logged on you could have sent her the log in information so she could look at your activity history. Almost all sites have them you just have to find it.

I do have a few questions because your innocence is in question when you logged on "because they sent you a notification". My bf was on dating and unfortunately sites before we got together and from our experience I know you would have an idea what the e-mail was before you even logged on. Let's be honest. The site wasn't notifying you of any vital information. How could you have logged on in the first place without intent if you'd forgotten the information? You would have had to know the log in handle and password. Very suspicious and I could see how she would feel the way she does.

All you can really do is tell her the truth. If you were on those sites while you were involved you have to be honest and take the flak. That could result in losing her but you should have thought of that before. If you HAVE NOT been on those sites (at all. That means not even log in even if you "did nothing wrong") then there are big trust issues at play that endanger your LDR.

Her trust issues are hers. Not yours to fix. There is nothing you can really do if she's obsessive. This is very unhealthy and will interfere with any chance of achieving a sustainable level of intimacy. She probably searching on the internet for dirt because her search has produced dirt. That's a bad break because its going to be difficult of salvaging things if she already has trust issues.

I am strong and have an incredible amount of trust in my partner but even I struggled to deal with the knowledge that he was on those sites. The sites of course, I have no qualms of people using dating sites that are single. I hacked into his profiles and looked at his activity history then tried to contact him. He's lucky for what I found or he would have been single.

What I did was horrible and I came clean. It got ugly but I didn't go looking for it. He used my PDA to look at his e-mail and he forgot to log out. When I got an alert for a new message I opened it up thinking it was for me. Boy was I ever wrong! He is no longer permitted to use my PDA to look at his e-mail and I've NEVER snooped through his things since. We talked about it, forgave each other, and moved on.

[pholy]

well, i guess in honesty, sometimes i get an email from someone on the site, but just being a curious human being, i would go and look. doesnt mean i want that person or am cheating. to her, that is cheating. Ive come a long way and stuggled with these things, but am doing better now than ever. I did want to find a way to end the emails, but i have been on the sometimes, just as a diversion, not looking. i know thats not an excuse. what gets me is she wont even entertain the possibility that i am telling the truth, almost as is she WANTS it to be true so she can get out and not suffer from jealousy/susupicion anymore. i dont know. i think i was pretty good to her overall and deserved more than an email breakup with no way to reply by phone or email since she blocked both. thats just shitty in my opinion. but......yes i am a drama addict perhaps

[eightball61]

......yes i am a drama addict perhaps


& thats why you are where you are today. She's done the right thing after giving you a chance. She heard you out once which means she has no obligation to here your suckers lines a second time.

[freespiritinva]

It sounds like she will never get over her trust issues. There comes a point in time where you need to ask yourself if this is someone you truly wish to be with and spend the rest of your life with. At times, women thinking that their "other half" is cheating on them because of the past doesn't really go away. The only other thing I know to tell you, is that not all the time are us ladies so apt to ending a relationship over nothing.

[pholy]

& thats why you are where you are today. She's done the right thing after giving you a chance. She heard you out once which means she has no obligation to here your suckers lines a second time.

8ball: my post was about "what can do/i messsed up", etc...not "please tell me what a shi*head I am". I already know that. I was looking for perhaps some helpful advice. I guess you don't believe in second chances or ever made the same mistake twice, huh. Thanks for your help.

PrincessB and Freespirt: I did get to talk to her and as i thought a lot of damage has been done. As mentioned, ive been struggling with this for a long time and in just the last year realizing how ive sabatoged so many relationships with this need for attention/approval. I am talking to therapist and I even mentioned if she would like to talk to one with me to sort through this. We talked for 5 hours yesterday and eventually she agreed not to give up. I talked to her today and she says she is really angry and she knows herself that once she feels that, it will be like that for good. I am starting to realize how much i *ucked up.

[PrincessB]

well, i guess in honesty, sometimes i get an email from someone on the site, but just being a curious human being, i would go and look. doesnt mean i want that person or am cheating. to her, that is cheating. Ive come a long way and stuggled with these things, but am doing better now than ever. I did want to find a way to end the emails, but i have been on the sometimes, just as a diversion, not looking. i know thats not an excuse. what gets me is she wont even entertain the possibility that i am telling the truth, almost as is she WANTS it to be true so she can get out and not suffer from jealousy/susupicion anymore. i dont know. i think i was pretty good to her overall and deserved more than an email breakup with no way to reply by phone or email since she blocked both. thats just shitty in my opinion. but......yes i am a drama addict perhaps

Had your situation been different, I would have agreed that an e-mail break was inappropriate. However, you have stated you currently live in separate countries and her discoveries may have resulted in a determination that a phone call or explanation were not necessary.

This is a lesson learned for the both of you. For yourself, you must realize that there is an element of betrayal in being dishonest regarding your dating profiles. You told her that you do not go on them but you have admitted here that you do in fact "check up" on messages that should be of no interest to you.

Your behavior and dishonesty only served to exacerbate your ex's issues with trust. In the future you may want to consider enlisting assistance in deleting such profiles when engaged in a LTR. There is a way to delete such profiles and I am of the belief that a determination to rid yourself of such things would have produced an ability to do so. I doubt your ex is convinced that you did everything possible to delete these profiles and I have to agree with her. You admit being interested in the e-mails that you received and whether or not you actually responded, there was always an underlying curiosity for you there. Something that you should not have been indulging while involved in a committed relationship. Whether you believe you committed any wrong by refraining from contacting women on the dating site is irrelevant. You maintained a profile on a dating site, kept it secret, and then you were caught. When you were questioned you outright lied to her.

A LDR requires a high degree of trust, clearly understood boundaries, honesty, and flexibility. You did not demonstrate respect for such things.

I am sorry to say but I would have broken up with you if you were my man. Your ex may have decided that your relationship was always a sham (she has many issues clouding her judgment) and that your dishonesty waived any considerations such as a phone call. I personally believe a phone call would have been most appropriate but I understand that it would be difficult for her to believe you were faithful. It is not out of the realm of possibility when you act sketchy over a profile you shouldn't even have had active.

[pholy]

Indeed, I am starting to see what this looks like from her's and from the outside. I really messed up. I guess my definition of cheating was having with someone, which I can now see if pretty narrow definition. Worst was lying about it cause i was afraid to lose her. I just wanted to to not judge us based on this but the whole - I am not just a dishonest piece of **, I am a good BF in other ways, but in this important way, I failed. She did talk to me and she says she is really mad and doesnt think she can get over it. I am serious when I say I am working on this, and have been, dealing with these issues. But maybe its too little too late. I would do anything not to lose her, but i know once trust is broken, and the fact I am here and she is there, it must be even easier way to solve for her. She said I am OK as a BF, but I am not good husband material. I would have to agree, although I want to be. She decided just last week she told me to UP her needs to looking for husband and wants more than BF. Beating myself up about this I don't think is going to help and the low esteem is what makes me need so much attention (and the resultant behaviors) in the first place. It's not looking too good. thank you all for a women's perspective, I need some cold water in the face and that's what i got. thank you.