View Full Version : Approach is everything right ?
tommy
03-09-2005, 05:36 AM
Hello everyone.
I need some gentle advice on how to approach this one girl. Well she works for the same company as I do however I have not had any conversations with her to date not even a casual hello or hi. Every time I see this girl my pulse/heart races and the thought of approaching her gives me the butterflies. I have had now two GF in my life and in both occasions both of them made the first move and now I feel in this case it has to me.
Please don't bother suggesting I that I just walk over to her when she's around and introducing myself because I'm not forward or aggressive when it comes to women more passive then anything else. Anyhow I think she REALLY good looking and would love to make her mine but I don't know if I should risk the chance of embarrassing myself in front of my co-workers or hers. I am kind of scared about this possibility right now.
So this is what I been thinking. I thought of buying some long stem roses (not red for the first time) and with a card dropping over to see her with flowers in one hand and telling her "these are for you" with the card reading "I don't know your name or who you are but I just wanted to give these flowers to you and hope you like them. Signed my name".
Kind of corny huh ? Yea I know but its just a way for me to break the ice. I feel sort of confortable with this approach as opposed to approaching her when shes around her friends or co-workers. Rarely I see her by herself.
Suggestions or advice appreciated....
westsidehig
03-09-2005, 10:25 AM
I really dont know about the flower thing though, its kinda moving too fast... Anyways i was thinking maybe you and i can help eachother out with our " problem ". My scenerio takes place in a gym though...
Iam not going to make any more plans or think about how iam going to start the conversation, Iam just going to let it flow. I always tell myself tomorrow i will talk to her, tomorrow comes and goes and i kick my self in the ass for not saying anything. I think it just makes it worse and worse for us in the end. Who know maybe the girl wants nothing to do with us and were getting all worked up and stressed out for nothing. But yea dude, dont waste anymore time and talk to her tomorrow!
nate_naturals@hotmail.com
Good luck
eightball61
03-09-2005, 01:19 PM
Please don't bother suggesting I that I just walk over to her when she's around and introducing myself because I'm not forward or aggressive when it comes to women more passive then anything else. .
Thats my suggestion :D In life you have to learn to take a risk. If you are thinking about taking a risk with the roses then you are agressive enough to go up to her and say "hello". This is not a corney situation at all but if you dont approach her then she will have no clue to your feelings and nothing will ever be done.
Personally I do think its best you do go up to her and just say "hi". Saying that can open up for a lot of things. Right now you dont know much and she may be dating someone which would mean you wasted your money on the roses. You can take the course you want to but saying "hi" to me is the best start to any conversation.
CalistaClap
03-09-2005, 02:42 PM
If you've never spoken to her before, then sending flowers will be too much all at once.
You have to at least do something to she knows who you are.
You say that you can't go up and introduce yourself, then get someone to introduce you to her. She first has to find out who you are before you can start making the moves.
PS: There's a saying: No guts, no glory
If you want, play up the secret admirer angle. Girls dig that crap.
Send some roses, not red at first, with a note that she makes your heart race. Sign it secret admirer, with just your first name initial.
A week later, send a teddy bear and another note that your heart is racing even more today than last week. Sign it the same way.
Keep it going for as long as you want to before signing your name to the final gift with the note of who you are and your phone number to call if she's interested.
Go for it. Life is meant to have some fun.
Rich
tommy
03-10-2005, 03:17 AM
Ok well this is a sort of an update. To everyone including westsidehig.
I believes that she has notice my glances of interest on pretty everytime I get to see her. On Valentine's day she was sitting at her desk and I passed by the open door and our eyes locked for a brief second or two. Its just my belief that I think there's an outside shot. My issue is that I am not the most confident person and I rarely ever have gone up to a girl just to say hi/hello. I know I'm not going to give away this chance to explore this possibility even only to get rejected. It will be done.
So I'm just going to think it over and decide my approach carefully that will save any embarrassment and still allow me to work in the same office even if she rejects me. Will let everyone know on the next post.
I wish you good luck.
There's no reason to be hesitant about asking this girl out. When we give away power over us, that's when we become hesitant to do things. Don't give her power over you.
Just remember that no one is better than anyone else and she is no better than you. We're all people here on earth, so there's no reason to feel inferior to this girl or to be afraid of her. We all have our foibles and issues to deal with. You have yours and she has hers. Trust me. She has insecurities as well.
If you approach it from that angle, then there shouldn't be any reason to feel afraid to approach this girl.
Also, try to put things into context here. We're not talking about a life and death issue. You will not die if she turns you down. People won't die if she turns you down. So, being that it is not a life and death issue that we're talking about and it's just about asking a girl out, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Life will go on if she turns you down. And if she does turn you down, you will not have been the first man to ever have been denied a date by a woman. So there's no reason to feel ashamed. We've all been shot down one time or another. :-)
Some more than others. lol
Just know that if you have a 50/50 hit ratio, then the chances of you getting a date increase with the more girls that you ask out.
If you ask out only two girls, then you get one date. If you ask out 10 girls, then you'd have 5 dates. Think bulk and have no fear.
Rich
eightball61
03-13-2005, 03:08 PM
I like Rich's post here and he is right about life moving on if she rejects you. It is all up to you on how long you want to wait to ask her but remember the longer you wait the more you stand a chance you may lose out on her.
tommy
03-16-2005, 02:53 AM
Hey everyone.
Latest update... sent her a dozen long stem yellow roses with all the fixin's today with an anonomous note. Didn't see her get them and find out afterwards she has a b/f for 3yrs now. Krikey !!! My boss who's been with company for several years tells me this after my confession of my today's good deed.
I think its like an old wise Chinese prophet saying that "it's only when you stop trying can someone call you a failure".
Cheers
eightball61
03-16-2005, 01:07 PM
Hey everyone.
Latest update... sent her a dozen long stem yellow roses with all the fixin's today with an anonomous note.
Your goal should be to get her to know who you are. If you keep sending stuff anonomously I beleive you would be wasting your money. You have allready done what was said a good deed and now you next move should be on the confessioning to her on who sent the roses. What you need to do is grow with her rather than apart. This girl is someone you like and want to get to know. We know nothing about her like you....for all we may know she may have a boyfriend :eek: You need to make that next step and see what she may have in store for you.
tommy
03-16-2005, 08:03 PM
Eightball you are right. It was just a gesture on my part of sort. A kind of an ice breaker for me when I do converse with her. She's doesn't come in everyday and I usually see her maybe two or three times a week. So we'll see when I see her again. I'll say this I'm not the most aggressive person when it comes to girls with b/f. For me its like going up against a wall and you can't win and I usually don't try. But with this girl something keeps motivating me to keep trying.
Anyhow thanks for the follow up. Well see whats the future holds. Maybe my destiny ? Hope so.
eightball61
03-17-2005, 12:57 PM
But with this girl something keeps motivating me to keep trying.
.
If this girl gives you the motivation you say she does then you shall now be motivated enough to approach her after this ice-breaker.
All's fair in love and war. Don't let the fact that she has a boyfriend stop you from trying.
The fact that she "notices" you says something about the current state of her relationship with her BF.
Go for it.
Rich
eightball61
03-17-2005, 04:26 PM
Don't let the fact that she has a boyfriend stop you from trying.
Well we dont know that yet but I think it be fair he backs off if she does have a boyfriend. I am sure you wouldn't like someone passing the move or hitting on your wife Rich if they new she was married to you.
I thought that he wrote that he found out from his boss that she has a boyfriend of 3 years. Did I miss something?
""""Didn't see her get them and find out afterwards she has a b/f for 3yrs now. Krikey !!! My boss who's been with company for several years tells me this after my confession of my today's good deed. """"
8ball....I know that I skip read....but you scared me. LOL
eightball61
03-17-2005, 05:05 PM
""""Didn't see her get them and find out afterwards she has a b/f for 3yrs now. Krikey !!! My boss who's been with company for several years tells me this after my confession of my today's good deed. """"
8ball....I know that I skip read....but you scared me. LOL
lol ok you one on this one but my points change....Where this girl has a boyfriend I am against he continue to move forth. Personally, I wouldn't like someone trying to get with my girlfriend or wife knowing that they are taken...its just respect
The guy with the girl never likes any other guy hitting on their woman, but oh well.
Once a girl is married and has that ring on, then she's off limits. IMO anyway.
But if a girl is just dating or engaged and actively flirts or shows interest, then she's fair game. I believe in always giving it a shot as you never know. But if the girls shoots down the advance, then back off and don't press.
As the old axiom goes, it never hurts to ask or try.
Rich
eightball61
03-17-2005, 07:32 PM
As the old axiom goes, it never hurts to ask or try.
Rich
You are right with this phrase Rich, but I have to say on this one I disagree with you on. She may be considered fair game but she is also taken. This is where cheating happens in many cases. Many people flirt then feed into the flirt and then more happens out of it and at least one person will get hurt by it.
Its not a innocent as it may seem. I may be going over my head here but just stating the facts of the situation based on my thoughts. To me the only time someone is fair game is when they are single or just dating someone else but with open terms to date around.
bdtraders
03-17-2005, 10:20 PM
IMO if a guy and girl are dating, live apart and havnt said they are " commited' to each other then they both are fair game.
If a guy and girl are commited (which to me happens when the "love" word enters the relationship as a form of enderment to each other) then they become off limits.
Thus going forward from that point they are both off the market. Harmless flirting is fine but i belive to also have harmless flirting both parties must know if the other person is in a commited relationship or not. For instance my SO works with a few guys and they have met me and she jokingly flirts with them, but they know me and respect me and her and they have their own SO that i know also.
So if this girl is in a relationship with her BF for 3 years it sounds like a commitment to me, and out of respect you should just tell her "hey i am the one that sent the flowers becuase i wanted to get to know you better, then i heard you have a BF of 3 years so i want to apologize and hope i didnt cause any waves, and just food for thought if you and him ever dont make it, feel free to look me up"
In other words make your intentions know, and that the flowers were from you and that you like her but you respect the relationship shes in and will back off. If she persues you after that, then make sure she breaks up with him.
once again just my opinion
IMO the only people that are required to respect a relationship are the two people in it. In all honesty, back when I was on the prowl, I really couldn't give a crap about another guy and what relationship he had with a girl.
If I saw a girl in a bar or where ever and I was attracted to her, I would make a play, boyfriend or not. Once I actually made out with a girl in a another room at a party with her boyfriend in the next room. Probably would have tried for a BJ, but some people came into the room and then they left shortly thereafter.
The point being, that the only time cheating happens is when one of the persons in the relationship decides to do it. It doesn't happen because someone asks them to. When someone cheats it's because they're not satisfied in their relationship in some form or another. THAT'S WHY PEOPLE CHEAT.
And as for the comment about will power and flirting leading to other things, IMO that doesn't fly. If one person in a relationship doesn't have the will power to not flirt or to stop something from starting, then they will always be lacking that and cheating will be bound to happen at some point. You just don't develop will power overnight.
So, is it the person outside of the relationship that flirted with the committed person who is the problem, or is it the person who is committed flirts and cheats who is the problem?
If a relationship is really solid, then when one partner is approached or or hit upon, then they just matter of factly and politely decline or say " no thanks". I say politely because it's a compliment for someone to think that you're nice enough to approach and ask out and it should be viewed that way.
I think that to view the person that hits on a person in a committed relationship as the cause of the relationship problem (cheating), is wrong. It's the relationship that is the problem that would want for someone to cheat on it.
As in life it's always easier to blame someone else for our relationship problems and that shouldn't be. If a relationship truly is solid on all levels, then the whole world could hit on your partner and nothing would come of it.
Married women equal off limits unless they hit upon you first.
Engaged women equal sort of off limits unless there's mutual interest.
Single or just dating women equal fair game.
IMO.
Rich
eightball61
03-18-2005, 01:42 PM
Married women equal off limits unless they hit upon you first.
Engaged women equal sort of off limits unless there's mutual interest.
Single or just dating women equal fair game.
& this is all matter of personal opinion...not a fact. This is why we see different. I understand what you are saying and accept it but doesn't mean I still agree with it. To me any person that is in a relationships in not fair game. The title "single" to me means fair game and the title "taken" means off hands.
Agreed...all just personal opinion.
Is "Taken" a title?
Could also mean...taken away. ;-)
eightball61
03-18-2005, 03:32 PM
Its a title to me.....lol :p
I just wanted to add another thought on this subject of whether or not people in relationships should be hit on and that is this.
People aren't objects and they are not owned like cars or jewelery. Cars or jewelery can be stolen, people can not (kidnapping aside). I'm talking emotionally stolen.
All people in relationships need to ALWAYS remember that your partner is a living, breathing, thinking and feeling human being that is searching for happiness and fulfillment.
With that in mind you should always make yourself THE MOST desireable person to your mate. If more people were to remember that and constantly better themselves instead of getting stale, content and complacent, then more relationships would last.
When you have a world full of males and females each searching for fulfillment and happiness in the opposite , then you'll ALWAYS have competition.
People aren't cars where there are laws to protect property and ownership. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that there's a sign on your partner that says "off limits". Nor is there an inherent knowledge for others to know that your partner is off limits.
Life is survival of the fitest and people want what they want. To think otherwise just leads to frustration and anger.
If you don't want to lose your partner, then don't cage them up and hide them from the world to prevent someone else from "stealing" them. Instead, give them the freedom to chose, but make yourself THE most desireable person in the world that they'd want to be with. Always make yourself better in anyway that you can. If you do that, then there are no worries. There is no jealousy. There is no hatred. There are no fits of rage that end in violence.
If everyone just focused on making themselves better, then we'd have a world of better people who just love, trust and care. Don't worry about the intentions of another. Worry about yours.
Rich
eightball61
03-18-2005, 04:03 PM
That is a very good thoughful post there Rich. I do agree with many of the things you add in here. I do agree that alot of things are built on compition do to the single people of the world. I have told my GF that I trust her but I dont trust the world. I wish I could lock her in a cage but I know that wouldn;t help any and it would just push her away from me rather than closer.
I agree with the fact on giving freedom and this is where we may differ but I believe a partner should have the freedom to go out but also not be secrective about with who or where. Giving a person to much space can also setup for a bad situation where the person may come back to say " well you aloud me to go out and do whatever". On many boards that I have been on I have seen many women say they dont want a controlling man but they want someone that will be there for them and hold them back if something doesn't seem right.
I don't mind if my partner wants to go out with the ladies or has males as friends. The only time I question things is when a new male comes into the picture and there is more communication than should be.
This is a very touchy topic in all areas because everything matters just from opinion or experience. We all see jealousy or incesurity in different ways. Some people are just open and allow thier partner to do what whatever, while others are more strict, or just not allow thier partners to breathe.
Giving someone freedom is not giving them the ok to cheat. They don't equate.
And I love on forums where people say that they "allowed this" or "allowed that". Like THEY control the other person. No one controls anyone. Nor should they need or want to.
It all comes down to perception. If a person is secure in who they are, who their partner is, what they have together and they also view their partner as an equal, then there's no jealousy or cheating. It's when you're insecure and view your partner like a posession, then all these negative controling issues come into play.
There is no "allowing" anyone to do anything because everyone is free to do anything that they want. People who say that they allow their partner to do things just don't have a clue and don't have as great a relationship as they think that they do. Controlling someone else can only last so long. Then they tire of it and yearn to be free. Then there's goes the cheating.
I know that I'm rambling on here, but the main jist is that freedom, trust, respect, honesty, openness and self security are all important ingredients to having a happy and long lasting relationship. When these ingredients are lacking, then the relationship is a constant battle with periods of clam between the storms (fights).
Trust in who you are. Trust in who your partner is. Trust in your relationship and what you have together. If you can't do that you need find a way to do it. If you still can't do that, then move on and find someone that you can do it with.
eightball61
03-18-2005, 04:37 PM
Giving someone freedom is not giving them the ok to cheat. They don't equate.
.
I agree with your outlook on trust in the last part of your post but this qoute I question :D I mean I see your point but everyone needs a little security and guidence. Cheating or emotional cheating can happen anytime with all freedom or no freedom. Cheating is something that I nor you can control our partners not to do. I stated that in my post before more women want some kind of security but not to be totally held back and this is just something I have gathered in the past few years being on relationship boards. I know its not a general fact and more of an opinion but we all think differently and act differently.....& it really shows in this post...lol
I'm not quite sure that I agree that a good number of women like to be controlled or somewhat told what they can and cannot do.
I feel that all women like having the security of a strong, loving and intelligent man beside them that will always be there to protect them. But not so sure on the telling them what to do part.
What I will tell you though, is that a good number of women like to be controlled or dominated in the bedroom. They like to be tied up and /or play the subservient / slave role. It's sort of like a rape fantasy or something that a lot of women have. Don't know why that is or anything like that, but I've found that to be true. More with women that have been ually repressed growing up or that aren't as experienced.
I feel that more women liked to be controlled in that manner then in being told who they can go out with and when.
Please, ladies, what are your thoughts on this.
Rich
eightball61
03-18-2005, 06:31 PM
I feel that more women liked to be controlled in that manner then in being told who they can go out with and when.
Thats is very true and I am not saying they like the control. They want a man there to protect and be secure about different things. No one likes to be controlled by another person. Its all boils down to feel secure and have a partner that you can share that with along with trust.
As I said before though we can't control a person to cheat or not because that comes from what that individual does but we can control potential hazards of like hanging out with new persons of the opposite or taking a trip with persons of the opposite .
We really have stretched this post out because of differences involved but in this situation my opinion hasn't changed that if a person is taken by marriage or a relationship then its best to leave it all be. Flirting can be innocent but also needs to be controlled do to respect of the people in the relationship. I don't encourage for someone to keep going for a goal when another person is in a good relationship because it can play in the head of the other and send mixed signals.
When being in a committed relationship, its impossible to go a lifetime without each partner getting hit on or flirted on but it can be all controlled if they dont feed into the gestures. Its sweet to get flowers from an admirer but I wouldn't suggest things to go beyond that.
tommy
03-19-2005, 05:41 PM
Hello to all and all to one.
Well I went up to her which totally shocked myself considering I've never done this ever before. Well the conversation went fine but in the end she in love with someone else and is not looking either. So at least I had the chance to talk with her and find out for myself. At least now I'll be able to put a name to her face.
Thanks to all replies and words of support. It was a great experience.
eightball61
03-19-2005, 06:00 PM
Good to hear that you had the courage to talk to her. She told you what you needed to hear and just be proud of yourself that you still made the attempt. Just like the ol' saying "you win some & you lose some". Keep you head up though and next time you see a girl you like don't hold back again. Find out what you need to know and if they are happily taken then move on till you find the right match for ya ;) Take care and keep in touch :D
Great job. See, it wasn't that bad. You're still alive and the world is still rotating on it's proper axis.
Keep that in mind for the next time. A girl is just another human being. Nothing to be afraid of.
Good job.
Rich
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