Quarrels?

[ginns]

How do you and your partner resolve quarrels?

At times i find it hard to communicate to my boy friends, because, he's just raging with anger. When I am no longer angry with the matter, he still is! I find it hard to communicate. Things which i said are misinterupted, and this triggers him even more. :confused: I have no idea what i said wrong even.

[Dubai]

i just joined this forum looking for an answer to a problem that i was facing, recently i went through the most serious breakdown of communication with my baby.

Its been 6 years and the way we worked it out was that we did 2 things, first of all we took our time solving the problem and allowing time to do some of the healing process, while basically finding out our faults and sincerly i mean sincerely trying to work this problem out. we said to each other, we wont let this beat us, lets work through this, and after almost 4 days of arguing, i cooled down a bit and she did as well, and were back on track.

my personal advice from what i have learnt is that if you do have a breakdown, you have to sincerely want to solve it and allow time to help you in the matter.

good luck

[Butterfly]

This goes out to Ginns and to the most understanding, most amazing man ever; my boyfriend who goes under the nick of "Dubai".

you said that you had some problems with your boyfriend and that its hard for him to let go of some issues. let me give out a little secret of mine, men are like babies, they love the extra attention and would do anything to get it but yet wont ever admit to it since they're "men". In other words spoil him, trust me u'll be the one who's gonna gain from it, both peace in mind and a whole lot of satisfaction.

The other thing is COMUNICATION. it is extremely important to SPEAK with eachother. find out his feels. remember the word is "find out" he wont tell u and dont shower him with questions, he'll just get aggitated. Just give it time. "TIME" like what my boyfriend has explained to u in the message above.

Another important thing to know for whatever relationship you mght be in is this golden rule that someone extremely wise passed down to me: "when ur in a tug of war and you're in one end whilst your partner is in the other remember that if u pull - u win but he gets hurt and vise versa. so COMPRAMISE. "

Those are but a few of things that i have learnt from being in a lovely relationship with a lovely, caring man for the past 6 years. Ps. this is a rule my boyfriend and i have "never allowed to sleep if either one of us is bothered or upset at anything".

life it too short to live it to the max by using both ur brain and heart. be wise and never jump to conclusions and try to look at things from the positive side rather than the negative.

ciao.

[Uncopyrightable]

I think what Butterfly and Dubai had to say is RIGHT ON, in a healthy relationship communication is the key. And communication is a two way street. To force a partner to ‘fish’ for information is juvenile.



Argument, quarrels and misunderstanding are part of any healthy relationship. How they are resolved, if they are resolved, is the barometer of the health of the relationship.



To speak to gins problem:



Anger is never a primary emotion. It is a secondary emotion. Anger covers up or distracts from true feelings. Fear, shame, hurt, confusion or even loss of control.



FEAR. I don’t know what to do, or I’m afraid you wont love me if I do what I want to do.



SHAME. If you really knew what I thought and felt you wouldn’t love me.



HURT. I have been hurt before, I won’t let myself be hurt again.



CONTROL. Read fear, shame and hurt. Rage is a very useful tool. Angry people get what they want, a lot. It is easier to just give in than to face the anger and rage. Angry people never have to worry about understanding anothers point of view, they don’t have to be considerate of others feelings. They don’t even have to have a reason for being angry.



Yes, some people have every reason in the world to be angry and it is THEIR problem to learn to control it and not use it to abuse those around them. Do not allow the rage-oholic and their tactics to work. Look up “battered wives syndrome.”



Rage is a control issue. If you are being controlled you are not free to be yourself. If you are not yourself, who are you?