Husband has addiction etc.

[danilburk]

It was 2005 the first time I discovered that he had been making profiles on internet dating websites. Some of them reading that he was unhappily married and looking for "something else" and others portraying himself as a "single man looking for a busty woman." But, the one that really dropped my jaw was the one he had made on a site. Obviously I confronted him about the issue and asked him why he did it. His answer was that he had made those profiles when we were having some issues a few months prior to that and that it was no biggie. He says he hadn't even accessed them since we reconciled. Now that is all fine but, what about the page?? He pretty much avoided the question and wrote it off to "just messing around" and says he doesn't even recall making the profile. Okay, so I leave it at that. Besides, I really didn't have any reason not to believe him. A few months later I have this nagging feeling that he is hiding something from me. So, I decided to log-in to his email accounts and low and behold there were emails from numerous different dating sites. I confront him about it and this time he gets angry. He says I shouldn't be spying on him in the first place and that it isn't really cheating because it's the Internet and the Internet is "virtual" so it's not like he did anything wrong. He
swears that he has never and would never meet up with anyone. So, if that be true why is he only searching for people in our local area?? To make a long story short this has went on ever since.
Not to mention a few extremely weird incidents. Like one time we hop in our truck to go somewhere and I look down and I see a wallet. A man's wallet.... now without thinking I held it up and said oh honey you must have dropped your wallet. Stupid move! He snatched that thing outta my hand so fast my head almost spun. When I asked him who it belonged to he said he thought it was my brothers... wrong! My brother would have immediately noticed his wallet missing. He quickly changed his story when I said, "I'll call him real quick to tell him we got it." He wouldn't let me look at it either. I asked him why and he wouldn't give me an answer. I never saw it again.
Just this year I found an email between him and a guy saying that they could meet up somewhere public so there would be no pressure. Then I recently found some text messages between him and a contact saved in his phone as "Old dude." In one of the messages he says to this person, "you still wanna meet up tonight or u want to do it another time?" Followed with another saying, "On my way." He claims he doesn't know who this person is or how they got his number. He claims he was only conversing with them to find out more about whom they were and that he never met them in person. I saved the number and called it and it belonged to a guy named Wade. Wade hung up on me when I asked him about how he knew my husband and wouldn't respond to any text messages I sent. I also installed spyware on his PC to see exactly what he was doing. I then discovered that he was watching & straight and looking at personals ads on craigslist. Also responding to ads posted by couples looking for biual men to have a threesome with. When confronted with this evidence he claims that he already knew I had spyware on his computer and was simply "giving me something to look at." I am not buying it. I can't deal with his lies anymore. What's even worse is that he acts like I am making such a big deal out of nothing. Like I am dramatic and over reacting. I am pretty laid back as far as the goes. I understand that it's just something that a lot of men and even women do. But, the "" or "biual" part is what bothers me. The fact that he is so adamant on lying about it makes me think that the problem is much more deeply rooted than I thought.
I have tried to be forgiving and understanding of his needs. But, if he can't even be honest with me about what is really going on then I don't see our marriage going much further than this. On top of dealing with his addiction in the past 2 years I have lost my 9 year old son, my mother, and my 16 year old brother. I really needed his support and love to get thru these things. He couldn't even quit looking at personals ads or long enuf to help me get thru these trying times. I continue to find things on a daily basis. What should I do and how can I get him to see that what he is doing is wrong and how much he has hurt me?

[smackie9]

You can't I'm afraid. This is a secret life that he has hidden from you and his own family for many years. This is who he is and this is his life style. He can't hide it anymore. You don't need him around for financial support...find yourself a good lawyer.

[PrincessB]

It is unfortunate when men are engaging in such wrongful activities that they prey on our weakness by trying to convince us we're crazy.

While I don't advocate spying or infringing on the privacy of a partner, it is necessary when you have reason. YOU HAVE REASON. You also should not be so quick to trust his insistence that he is not meeting up with others because the content of your OP suggests that he has on more than one occasion. The proof is black and white. What more do you need? He is being unfaithful even if he isn't physically unfaithful and that is a huge problem.

Is he addicted to ? It sounds more like he is actively soliciting to cheat. There is a big difference between a man looking at videos or magazines and actively communicating outside of our marriage.

This man is putting your health at risk and if you have children you have a responsibility to them to protect them from the dangers he is subjecting you to. It is unlikely that you will gain satisfaction by confronting your husband and you may be better off hiring a lawyer to help clean up this mess. It may be your best/only option. How can you salvage a marriage when he is not willing to take responsibility for his actions? He is not owning anything and if you don't look out for yourself then nobody is going to.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but you would be selfish if you have children to stay and at that point you would also be partly to blame. Don't worry about him taking the kids because with his lifestyle it will be nearly impossible for him to screw you over.

If you do not have children then it is much easier to leave. This is your life you're talking about and that is far more valuable than finances which can be replaced.

[eightball61]

Male Take Here....

Does he have an issue? Yes!!!however this is something many men go
through that girlfriends or spouses don't know about.


Men are visual creatures and when it comes times to they care about the satisfaction of getting off rather than the meaning or intamacy behind it. Heartbreaking yes but its the truth. Most men may hide it or disagree but deep down if they have the chance to get off they will.

He may or may not be Bi or but again its the satisfaction of role-playing and getting off. Yes, it's sick to you but thats the difference between the average man and women. Most men will not admit but they will get off to just about anything and this is probably why he took all routes.

[eightball61]

Male Take Here....

Does he have an issue? Yes!!!however this is something many men go
through that girlfriends or spouses don't know about.


Men are visual creatures and when it comes times to they care about the satisfaction of getting off rather than the meaning or intamacy behind it. Heartbreaking yes but its the truth. Most men may hide it or disagree but deep down if they have the chance to get off they will.

He may or may not be Bi or but again its the satisfaction of role-playing and getting off. Yes, it's sick to you but thats the difference between the average man and women. Most men will not admit but they will get off to just about anything and this is probably why he took all routes.

continued...


You did good by find out what was going on. Yes it was overlooked several times but you need to see the reality at some points. You originally ignored because you didn't want to know the truth. The truth hurts for everyone but putting it on the back burner always makes it worse.

You asked what you can do and there is not much you can do to be honest. This is his trait and deep down he has a lot of fantasys. These fantasys include you but he gets off talking to others about it rather than performing it.

I don't have real advice except a males view. I will say though if you can accept this then you move on because you'll forever be going crazy and wondering what he is doing and life is too short for that.

[PrincessB]

While I agree with you Eightball that many men are into and hide it the OP has found evidence that this is beyond a fantasy. Boys will be boys but what her husband is doing endangers the whole family.

[danilburk]

First I would like to thank all of you for your helpful insight. To answer your question about children Princess, yes. We have a four almost five year old daughter that we both absolutely adore. He is a really good father and he is a wonderful husband aside from the above problem. And eightball thnx for your perspective from a male pov. It was helpful. I wouldn't say that the role playing is necessarily "sick" to me. It's the fact that I dont really know what is going on that sickens me the most. If he were having issues and needing to explore his uality I would understand. (I wouldn't stick around while he did it) but, I would understand. I told him that also. That if that was what he needed plz just tell me and I promised him I would never say a word to any of his family friends, etc. But for him to please not make me susceptible to catching any diseases.

[eightball61]

Boys will be boys but what her husband is doing endangers the whole family.


I agree and this is why my first words to come out was he does have an issue. I will admit I went a little of course here but when do I not go off course...lol

[eightball61]

First I would like to thank all of you for your helpful insight. To answer your question about children Princess, yes. We have a four almost five year old daughter that we both absolutely adore. He is a really good father and he is a wonderful husband aside from the above problem. And eightball thnx for your perspective from a male pov. It was helpful. I wouldn't say that the role playing is necessarily "sick" to me. It's the fact that I dont really know what is going on that sickens me the most. If he were having issues and needing to explore his uality I would understand. (I wouldn't stick around while he did it) but, I would understand. I told him that also. That if that was what he needed plz just tell me and I promised him I would never say a word to any of his family friends, etc. But for him to please not make me susceptible to catching any diseases.

You're being nothing but fair to him. I agree it sucks not knowing because it could be just a fantasy or something more. Since you're open and you've talked to him about his choices then you need to secure the fact that these are just fantasy's if he decides to stay. You on the other hand should set boundry's if you feel you can't handle it. If he can't respect the boundry's for you and your family then that leads to no other choice but that is your choice.

[PrincessB]

At the very least if you stay you must accept that you will then be contributing to the endangerment of the health of your family if he continues to seek out ual relationships outside of your marriage. The evidence you have uncovered strongly supports a suspicion that he has been unfaithful and you cannot trust him at this point to be honest about his activities. In fact, you would be rather careless to take his word for it.

It is your decision to stay and work it out knowing you will never fully be able to trust your husband and should be tested for STDs regularly.