Not sure what to think

[bomber]

Im not really sure what to think or do lately, My fiance and i got engaged a day before her birthday in august and since then the relationship has started to drop off it seems. We used to texted all the time before and during her work and she would come stay with me when ever she had a couple of days off as we don't live together. Here lately she has almost stopped texting me especialy when shes at work and yesterday she avoiding saying i love you even though i said it twice and all she said was i know you do. I have tried to talk to her and find out whats bugging her but all she says is nothing shes worried about moving. Im pretty sure shes not cheating as the 3 social websites she has all say shes engaged to me, unless its some one at work. Last time i tried talking to her we spent over an hour laying in my bed and she only said 3 things and bit her lip and i could tell she was thinking. Now that shes getting her own place she has started to rub that in a little by saying its her place and that i can come stay there. We did talk a little about moving in together and she stated she wanted me to find a job first which is fine by me the only problem is if we move in together it will be about 40 miles away from where i live now and it would be to hard to travel back and forth to get to work. So any advise would help greatly....

[eightball61]

I'm sure with the big move on her own she has alot to think about however I think the job is a top concern. You both are now engage, she going out on her own, she's becoming her own, ect. With this change it makes people think about now and the future. Right now she has you, engaged, with no job. To her that means no future, no goals, and no ambition. Times are tough right now and I don't know your position but if she wants ambition then give it to her or else you will lose.

[Mozez Manduu]

I agree with EightBall... a job should be your first priority. Most women are not looking for a man to take care of; if anything, she has hopes that you will be her support structure, if needed.

Personal Opinion: A man should be financially superior to a woman... or at the very least, her equal. This isn't about chauvinism or control; its simply about a man's ability to provide for his family.

Also, as a 'Possible' problem, consider the fact that while unemployed, you have your days and nights to yourself. You can stay up as late as you like, Text and Chat till the sun goes down; and your only responsiblity is doing what you want when you want. She, on the other hand, as several obligations because of her job. (Now this is just a Theory); but she could be feeling a bit resentful because you want what is left of her time, while you have all the time in the world.

Other than that, I will always argue; Communication, Communication, Communication. Which is sounds like you are attempting; but if you are not getting anywhere with that, then be more direct: "Honey WE NEED TO TALK... I AM CONCERNED." Often the hardnest part of communicating with someone is their fear of hurting your feelings. So its up to you to make her feel comfortable in saying anything to you; no matter how much it may hurt or offend you; so long as she is honest. AND... You need to be ready for the truth... whatever it may be. Its okay if your feelings get hurt; but its not okay, if you make her feel she can never be open with you again. This is where we truly grow as humans; especially when the advise comes from someone who loves you.

[bomber]

Thanks for the advise, I have been busting my butt looking for work to better myself and i know she deserves better than a bum. I guess i have been thinking a little to much into all this but i will have to sit down with her and talk.

[eightball61]

I agree with EightBall... a job should be your first priority. Most women are not looking for a man to take care of; if anything, she has hopes that you will be her support structure, if needed.

Personal Opinion: A man should be financially superior to a woman... or at the very least, her equal. This isn't about chauvinism or control; its simply about a man's ability to provide for his family.

Also, as a 'Possible' problem, consider the fact that while unemployed, you have your days and nights to yourself. You can stay up as late as you like, Text and Chat till the sun goes down; and your only responsiblity is doing what you want when you want. She, on the other hand, as several obligations because of her job. (Now this is just a Theory); but she could be feeling a bit resentful because you want what is left of her time, while you have all the time in the world.

Other than that, I will always argue; Communication, Communication, Communication. Which is sounds like you are attempting; but if you are not getting anywhere with that, then be more direct: "Honey WE NEED TO TALK... I AM CONCERNED." Often the hardnest part of communicating with someone is their fear of hurting your feelings. So its up to you to make her feel comfortable in saying anything to you; no matter how much it may hurt or offend you; so long as she is honest. AND... You need to be ready for the truth... whatever it may be. Its okay if your feelings get hurt; but its not okay, if you make her feel she can never be open with you again. This is where we truly grow as humans; especially when the advise comes from someone who loves you.


Great inpout here too!

[PrincessB]

Yeah. I agree with all of the above. Very well put.

The "We need to talk" is difficult because she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings but I would agree with everyone here that you are engaged and unemployed and that's a huge problem.

I wouldn't expect my man to make the same or more for salary but he better have ambition and have goals. If she is more financially stable (she is employed so obviously is) then she may be concerned about the future repercussions of marriage with you on her stability. There are plenty: If you have ever claimed bankruptcy that will adversely affect her. If you have bad credit it will affect her. If you have creditors after you they will be legally entitled to go after her. She may want to have kids and have goals and you will hold her back.

I don't want to sound harsh or inconsiderate but you're not ready for a commitment and even if she loves you, she knows that you will be a burden on her. If you are not exercising a full time commitment to getting a job this could be causing her to second guess her decision to accept your proposal.

If you are fully committing 12 hours a day to finding a job and coming up short then she could be concerned about your ability to provide or contribute to the family she desires with you. She may be wondering why you're texting her when you should be out looking for a job!

The only way to fix this situation may be for you to step up and show her you're marriage material by getting a job and becoming more responsible. You will lose her if you don't step up. If you would like advice on how to better your employability please feel free to PM me.

[bomber]

Yes i have been looking hard for work, And yes that is my priority right now. The texting her part only happens after 8 pm as thats when she is heading to work and while im filling out applications online. I do think its funny how we as a nation have put true love off to the side in turn for love of the wallet and bank accounts. I mean yes i know i have to support my family and im really making an effort i have resumes in 2 different states as well as going out and getting applications. I have to say i really hate small towns for the lack of jobs :)

[Mozez Manduu]

if you are fully committing 12 hours a day to finding a job and coming up short then she could be concerned about your ability to provide or contribute to the family she desires with you.

Excellent Point!!!

[RelSol1]

It sounds like you have some insecurities of your own to deal with. What are you doing to make her feel special? What are you doing to show her that you are the one she should be with? What are you doing to make her feel secure?

It's one thing to not have a job, it's another to not have a plan.

Brandon Grittini

[bomber]

To make her feel special i try to out of my way to show her that i love her. I send her a text every morning telling her good morning hunny and i ask her how her nite at work went, I aslo tell her i love her once or twice a day and when were together i try to show her that i love her. but as i found out today she thinks i tell her i love her to much twice a day at most and i asked her why she doesn't text me when shes at work at nite and she told me its cause her breaks are specail for her and doesn't want to waste her time talking to me????????? WTF isn't that some S%@t. I just helped her move into her own apartment and stayed the nite with her and cleaned her apartment from top to bottom and all with out a thank you from her??? But she did make sure to tell her dad and mom thanks for helping.

[bomber]

I have tried talking to her and it seems like all im getting is a run around. she has been really clingy to her cell phone lately and erases her text once or twice a day Twice like last nite she woke up around 3am and went into the living room only to take her cell with her (she thought i was asleep) i have invited her out twice now on a date only for her to say no.

[PrincessB]

Yes i have been looking hard for work, And yes that is my priority right now. The texting her part only happens after 8 pm as thats when she is heading to work and while im filling out applications online. I do think its funny how we as a nation have put true love off to the side in turn for love of the wallet and bank accounts. I mean yes i know i have to support my family and im really making an effort i have resumes in 2 different states as well as going out and getting applications. I have to say i really hate small towns for the lack of jobs :)

This is not a matter of true love being put aside for the love of a wallet and bank accounts. In fact, this statement reveals much of why your fiance may be so distant with you. You just don't get it.

Bankruptcy can/will affect your ability to get hired. Bad credit will become her bad credit. Do you know why that would be bad for a relationship? Aside from infidelity, finances are the number one reason marriages don't last. The statistics alone are enough reason to postpone wedding plans.

Your bad credit/ finances could mean never owning a home, a high probability of living paycheck to paycheck, a low quality of life. Women need security beyond finances in a partner. Unfortunately, money is security. I doubt she expects you to bring home six figures but right now you aren't bringing home a pot that she can do her business in. Right now you are a liability and that may not seem fair but you should keep any idealistic notions of love in your dreams. Love isn't a fairytale and it isn't going to put dinner on the table. She is probably more concerned about her ability to provide you both with life's basic essentials and there is nothing shallow about that.

As the above poster stated "Its one thing to not have a job, its another to not have a plan"

At this point you have neither.

She is looking into the future and quite honestly it is rather bleak with your lack of ambition. You may have resumes in two states, you may be applying online, and filling out applications in person; It's obviously not enough. You need to do more and your gf knows that. Your ability to overcome your unemployment and provide/contribute in the future will be a deciding factor in whether this relationship has a chance.

Want some advice? PM me. I train and develop people for a living. I will only help coach you if you are committed and serious.