long-term about to end...

[aaa817]

Im distraught and don't know where to turn so where better than the internet, right??!?!?!?!!

long story short:
dating my gf since 09/2004 and we had a 1yr break between 08/2007-09/2008. We got back together, immediately fell back in love, moved in together in 11/2008. Everything was going great, we were happy, enjoying each other's company, etc. etc. of all that happy, mushy couples' stuff. I make at least 5x more than her so the agreement when we moved in was that I would pay for ALL the bills of the house but she would take care of all the household chores and pay for groceries. It was working great, until the last few months. In May, she got hit with a bill from her school that essentially took all her grocery money so she could no longer contribute to the household financially. I picked up the slack, and dont mind it, and never once complained about it, but it has taken a toll on her well-being. She is feeling more and more guilt, to the point she avoids coming home until after I am asleep, to avoid even seeing me. She cries herself to sleep 3-4x per week and openly admits she is miserable and depressed. We have great communication together and talk about our problems, but she just keeps saying they are all internal, that I am such an "amazing, perfect and awesome man and she's lucky to have found me" but then goes on to say she is "poisoning and ruining the relationship because of her guilt".

Can anyone suggest how I go about helping her, if I can? We took a break last week and she slept at a friends from Thurs-Sun. We talked via phone each day but I gave her space. She came home and we were happy again, for a day, then her guilt kicked in again when I helped her with some bills and gas money. She is moving to her mom's condo tonight and is planning on staying there for an extended period of time, to help clear her head. We are both young (26 and she is 23) and inexperienced at dealing with such difficult issues. We feel we are on the verge of destruction but we both want to salvage this relationship.

side note: our life is non-existent and has been for some time now. Partially due to inexperience, neither of us being with anyone else ever before, and my problems satisfying her and her problems of being patient while I learn. Its become less than 1x/month.


thanks in advance and my apologies for the long story.

[smackie9]

She doesn't want to be a "kept" woman. I can see her point, that she is losing her independence, self esteem, and self respect. Maybe it's best she lives with her mom, so she can regain her finances. Let her work at getting back on her feet on her own.

As for you about .....start reading. There are books on the subject to help out. There are a few videos on youtube that show (with visual aids) how to do G-spot stimulation. Also, learn how to openly communicate with your partner. Ask them what they like, what they don't like, what they might want to try, any fantasies, etc.

[aaa817]

She doesn't want to be a "kept" woman. I can see her point, that she is losing her independence, self esteem, and self respect. Maybe it's best she lives with her mom, so she can regain her finances. Let her work at getting back on her feet on her own.

As for you about .....start reading. There are books on the subject to help out. There are a few videos on youtube that show (with visual aids) how to do G-spot stimulation. Also, learn how to openly communicate with your partner. Ask them what they like, what they don't like, what they might want to try, any fantasies, etc.

in reply to ur first answer, thats what im doing, were "together" but not living together currently, so we'll see how it goes.

in reply to the part, i have read, studied, and tried numerous methods. I have even got a prescription for a mild dose anti-depressant which is supposed to supress , and it works, for about 2-3 addtl minutes. The problem isnt communication, its now patience. Its been 5 years together, how do u re-stimulate a DEAD life? How do u convince ur partner it will get better when it might not, ever, which she knows? I feel kinda lost about the aspect. Ive tried the muscle thingy to help, ive tried stopped/starting while urinating, and I am now starting to try to the sweeze-n-hold technique.... all of these help, but they also interrupt , which i guess isnt bad if its lasting longer... even in 3-5min doses.

[jhauser]

I can understand where you are coming from. I will say that I feel her issue goes beyond just feeling guilty about you helping with the bills.

If she truly is feeling depressed then this is a battle she will always have to deal with, however she has to find it herself. The only thing you can do is make sure you are always there to support her, give her confidence and compliment her when she looks good. Women who feel depressed often lack confidence in themselves for one reason or another. They tend to go in and out of "funks" and they do not even know the reasons why. However, there may indeed be several causes. Weight (almost all women suffer from this no matter how much they weigh), financial independece (as you stated), needing a true friend she can count on and hang out with, etc. It's normally not just the one thing, but everything.

What also helps with depression is finding something in life to accomplish. I am not saying for her to join a marathon and run 26 miles, but any little bit can help. For instance if she never felt she could fix a flat tire- she could tell herself that she will do it. And once it is accomplished she will feel like she found a part of herself that she never knew was there before. And it doesn't have to be a flat tire. It could be working out (with a set goal in mind), drawing or painting something from real life, even making a sweater. Whatever it is that she feels like she could never do and decided that she will do it. The reason this helps with depression is because many people are afraid to fail. Whether it is in a relationship, an activity or life in general. And once a person starts getting over that feeling of failure and takes on tasks to finish then they begin to feel more confident in their abilities and less reliant on that fear of failure.

Regarding : Have you talked about your fantasies with each other? What honestly turns you on and find out what works for her? By opening discussing this with each other you may find that she is turned on by something that she may feel embarrased about but once you know it she may allow herself to open up more to you ually. For instance, if she was turned on by wearing no panties out in public- she may feel embarrased to tell you that for what you may think of her, and she may feel embarrased to do that in the first place. But if you are honest with each other, perhaps she will once, or at least create a fantasy scenario around it where she will get more turned on.

Also, what was said eariler is dead on. Make sure you continue to read up on the internet and find new areas that please her. Be open during and tell her what you like and encourage her to do the same. You may find that she is not telling you what isn't feeling good out of respect for you, but if you let her tell you what she likes and dislikes then you can better target the "likes" areas of her body (which are different for every woman).

Communication seems to be the key aspect when it comes to - so never lose that and just assume you are doing everything to her liking.

[smackie9]

Most women don't measure their relationship based on the like men do. Sure it's an important part but, the lack of is due to the lack of heart. Women have to be mentally stimulated in order to want . That is why there is no pill available. She might be shutting down bc of all her problems, or she has fallen out of love with you. When someone is at that crossroad, they usually don't know how to handle the situation. Most get scared, say they want space and try to distance themselves. Once they distance themselves and adjust to being alone, it easier to end the relationship.

[aaa817]

Most women don't measure their relationship based on the like men do. Sure it's an important part but, the lack of is due to the lack of heart. Women have to be mentally stimulated in order to want . That is why there is no pill available. She might be shutting down bc of all her problems, or she has fallen out of love with you. When someone is at that crossroad, they usually don't know how to handle the situation. Most get scared, say they want space and try to distance themselves. Once they distance themselves and adjust to being alone, it easier to end the relationship.

well put, thank u. That is VERY informative and helpful and I'm gonna let hear read that as well. Well put!

[smackie9]

Why TY! :) I hope this will give both of you a different approach on how to deal with your situation. Please keep us updated on your progress. Best of Luck.

[aaa817]

relationship is over, for the time being. After all was said and done, and talking to my father, i determined that her guilt was felt because her loss of being in love. Also, my lack of "manliness" may have come in to play. Im always the dependable, sweet, guy which is great for a marriage, but not in your 20's when u want wild, passionate guy. So now I have to learn the "man" language so to speak.

[PrincessB]

Loss of manliness? I'm not quite sure that I understand. Manhood isn't measured upon how long he lasts in bed and quite honestly, did she put in an equal amount of effort to stoke the fire? You didn't mention any of her efforts. It can't be up to one person to reignite the fire while the partner waits for something to happen.

I find too often that young women exert too little effort and have unrealistic expectations of . Thus resulting in dissatisfaction.

Let's talk about your manliness for a minute. You had a gf that was nearly totally dependent and took good care of her. You gave her money for gas and helped her with her bills and from the sound of it you did not harbor resentment toward her when you did. That is manliness. You stepped up and did everything you could to make it work. Maturity. You were there for her as she battles through her depression (which most likely has nothing to do with you). You sought out information on how to better satisfy her (both demonstrate commitment and communication).

You did all that you could but it wasn't enough. That isn't a failure on your part. She was weak (that's not a slight at her. She is going through a difficult time.), dependent, and ultimately not ready/mature for the level of intimacy that you are.

Remain patient and the next time you open yourself to love be sure that the person is the right compliment to you before committing. No matter how much you love/care for a girl.

It takes much more than love for a relationship to work.

[aaa817]

Loss of manliness? I'm not quite sure that I understand. Manhood isn't measured upon how long he lasts in bed and quite honestly, did she put in an equal amount of effort to stoke the fire? You didn't mention any of her efforts. It can't be up to one person to reignite the fire while the partner waits for something to happen.

I find too often that young women exert too little effort and have unrealistic expectations of . Thus resulting in dissatisfaction.

Let's talk about your manliness for a minute. You had a gf that was nearly totally dependent and took good care of her. You gave her money for gas and helped her with her bills and from the sound of it you did not harbor resentment toward her when you did. That is manliness. You stepped up and did everything you could to make it work. Maturity. You were there for her as she battles through her depression (which most likely has nothing to do with you). You sought out information on how to better satisfy her (both demonstrate commitment and communication).

You did all that you could but it wasn't enough. That isn't a failure on your part. She was weak (that's not a slight at her. She is going through a difficult time.), dependent, and ultimately not ready/mature for the level of intimacy that you are.

Remain patient and the next time you open yourself to love be sure that the person is the right compliment to you before committing. No matter how much you love/care for a girl.

It takes much more than love for a relationship to work.

I still feel as if she is the right partner, but it just isnt the right time. She does have a lot of growing to do as a person and as a responsible partner. She was never the overly-active teenager, nor did she have that party attitude, now that she has weighed the least ever and in excellent shape, she gained EXTERNAL confidence BUT lost her independence and feeling she could do things on her own, which is understandable. I am not holding my breath but merely leaving the door open, just a crack, so if she cares to open it, it wont be locked.

[PrincessB]

Please see my post in your other thread.

[aaa817]

Please see my post in your other thread.

instead of responding in both, cuz thats confusing, ill just keep responding in the other one.