NowAndThen
08-28-2009, 06:08 PM
My Relationship Issues
Lack of Intimacy
The initiation and display of intimacy seem to be largely placed on my shoulders. I feel I have expressed my needs in specific terms on multiple occasions. While some specific terms were agreed upon, they have not been seen in action. The agreement, then the subsequent disregard, of these needs frustrates me and leads me to feeling as though I am just being placated. Expression of intimacy needs is often met with an “answer within an answer” or an excuse of why the needs aren’t being considered or why follow through on agreements is not being met. This reduces my desire to further discuss these needs. I have found myself not wanting to try to address these needs at all anymore. The effect of not having these needs met has changed my overall opinion of the relationship and I feel that I am being taken advantage of. I believe I actively and happily pursue and meet the needs of my partner, but my partner only addresses my needs in the “11th hour” as an “oh shit, if I don’t do something, I am not going to get my needs met”. My feelings about my needs have tuned from frustration to apathy, as a side effect, my feelings in general toward the relationship have turned apathetic. This seems to only further distance my partner from me, which is not my goal, my goal is to have my needs met, but in a state of apathy toward my own needs I adopt a feeling of apathy toward their needs as well.
Lack of Family Involvement
Once again I feel all of the “doing” to create a family environment for our shared children is placed on my shoulders. While I attempt to best fill a role with in my partners childs life, a minimal effort is given to my children. Attempts at discussing this issue brings with it defensive walls from my partner including more “answers in answers”. A common answer is, “well I didn’t ask you to.” I don’t think this answer is very fair in regards to involvement with the children or family. My passive work toward building a family environment and pursuit in strengthening the relationship I have with their child, is not a excuse for them not to pursue active healthy relationships with my children. I am now left spending more time with my partner’s child then with my partner. I feel more like a stand in parent charity then a partner in a relationship.
Lack of Forgiveness
It seems one of the common forms of answers I get from my partner is “yeah but you…” Even, if the end of the statement has nothing to do with the issue at hand, it diverts attention from the issue I have brought to light. This makes discussion of one thing at a time near impossible. I don’t want to neglect my partners need to discuss any issue, but it only seems they have something to bring up in a moment where they want to side step the issue at hand.
Lack of Understanding or Consideration
The above items all lead into a re-identification of my needs. Where one need operates at a sublevel, other needs kick in to make up for the deficit. This doesn’t mean an equal need fulfilled by another person, but this does mean that different needs come to a higher ranking. A lack of the above needs means that I focus on the needs that I can address on my own, such as spending quality time with the children and hanging out with friends to gain a break into the adult world. This trade off of needs has been met with similar attacks, where I feel I can’t be “okay” with myself doing what they want and I they can’t be okay with me doing what I want.
In the end, I am left feeling alone in a relationship or feeling apathetic toward the relationship in order to cope.
I am sure I love this person and I don't want to bail out, but that crossroads seems to be coming up on me faster than I would like. Any help out there?
Lack of Intimacy
The initiation and display of intimacy seem to be largely placed on my shoulders. I feel I have expressed my needs in specific terms on multiple occasions. While some specific terms were agreed upon, they have not been seen in action. The agreement, then the subsequent disregard, of these needs frustrates me and leads me to feeling as though I am just being placated. Expression of intimacy needs is often met with an “answer within an answer” or an excuse of why the needs aren’t being considered or why follow through on agreements is not being met. This reduces my desire to further discuss these needs. I have found myself not wanting to try to address these needs at all anymore. The effect of not having these needs met has changed my overall opinion of the relationship and I feel that I am being taken advantage of. I believe I actively and happily pursue and meet the needs of my partner, but my partner only addresses my needs in the “11th hour” as an “oh shit, if I don’t do something, I am not going to get my needs met”. My feelings about my needs have tuned from frustration to apathy, as a side effect, my feelings in general toward the relationship have turned apathetic. This seems to only further distance my partner from me, which is not my goal, my goal is to have my needs met, but in a state of apathy toward my own needs I adopt a feeling of apathy toward their needs as well.
Lack of Family Involvement
Once again I feel all of the “doing” to create a family environment for our shared children is placed on my shoulders. While I attempt to best fill a role with in my partners childs life, a minimal effort is given to my children. Attempts at discussing this issue brings with it defensive walls from my partner including more “answers in answers”. A common answer is, “well I didn’t ask you to.” I don’t think this answer is very fair in regards to involvement with the children or family. My passive work toward building a family environment and pursuit in strengthening the relationship I have with their child, is not a excuse for them not to pursue active healthy relationships with my children. I am now left spending more time with my partner’s child then with my partner. I feel more like a stand in parent charity then a partner in a relationship.
Lack of Forgiveness
It seems one of the common forms of answers I get from my partner is “yeah but you…” Even, if the end of the statement has nothing to do with the issue at hand, it diverts attention from the issue I have brought to light. This makes discussion of one thing at a time near impossible. I don’t want to neglect my partners need to discuss any issue, but it only seems they have something to bring up in a moment where they want to side step the issue at hand.
Lack of Understanding or Consideration
The above items all lead into a re-identification of my needs. Where one need operates at a sublevel, other needs kick in to make up for the deficit. This doesn’t mean an equal need fulfilled by another person, but this does mean that different needs come to a higher ranking. A lack of the above needs means that I focus on the needs that I can address on my own, such as spending quality time with the children and hanging out with friends to gain a break into the adult world. This trade off of needs has been met with similar attacks, where I feel I can’t be “okay” with myself doing what they want and I they can’t be okay with me doing what I want.
In the end, I am left feeling alone in a relationship or feeling apathetic toward the relationship in order to cope.
I am sure I love this person and I don't want to bail out, but that crossroads seems to be coming up on me faster than I would like. Any help out there?