In a relationship by myself

[deznick06]

I would really appreciate advice and opinions on this situation because there are children involved in this situation and I want to make sure that I will be doing the right thing.

My boyfriend (and the father of my children) have been living together for a year and a half now. We have been having some really bad arguements and haven't had much progress after the fights. My feelings are....we've been living together for almost 2 years, we have two beautiful little girls, we need to decide whether we need to take this relationship to the next level (meaning marriage) or go our separate ways. However, the fights we've been having lately seems like we're not ready for marriage yet until we can fix some of our relationship issues.

I think our biggest issue is that we don't really have much in common anymore, except for our children. Now me, not wanting to see our relationship crash and burn, try to actively do things to bring us closer together. I try to get interested in some of his activities. For example, he LOVES his saltwater aquarium. I can't stand that thing because he spends more time on the aquarium than he does with our relationship. I try to involve myself with it, until one day all the fish in the tank died and I found out that he went on an aquarium forum telling all of his "fish bretheren" how I "sabotaged" his tank. He also let his sister (which he talks to more than he talks to me and tells me that's because 'they have more in common') accuse me of purposely trying to poison his fish tank...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! There, I feel better now. I feel like I'm living in the fricking Twilight Zone. See why I say we're not ready for marriage???But I'm also not going to be in this 'convenient living situation' for another year.

And then there's our children. How can we set an example for them and we are still behaving like children? I'm 23 and he'll be 29 in November! I'm at my wits end with this. Something's going to have to give SOON because I don't want to pack up the girls and they'll only get to see him on a designated weekend...but this is not the way a healthy relationship should be! I'm wanting to be progressive and he's fine with the way things are! HELP ME PLEASE!!!

[IamMe]

Poor you, poor him... poor fish!

I know you didn't mean to kill the fish but salt water tanks take a lot of work and are pretty fickle. It's better to just involve yourself by watching him mess with the tank and compliment him on how great it looks rather than be hands on. Too many hands in the pot or something like that. Those fish aren't cheap and if it's something he can feel your resentment over than yeah - I can kinda see why he feels that way.
If you want to really get your feet wet in that hobby you can get a small 2 gallon tank for clowns or miniature seahorses - aka sea ponies (very cute too, less than an inch long). You can ask him for advice on it.

You need to honestly talk to him about this. Tell him why you got involved and how you are trying to find some activity you can both do. It's called bonding and reinforcing those bonds. If you can work at your relationship and take time for you two as a couple things will work out. It's better for your girls to see how a good relationship works. Children repeat the patterns of the parents so if you want you kids to have a happy relationship in the future you need to do your best to be in one yourself. Look up websites on how to repair relationships and don't be afraid to show him, let him know you still want to be his lover, not just his 'wife' or mother of his kids.

Relationships truly are living beings, if one part is starved of what it needs it will die.

[smackie9]

What kind of example are you setting for your children by being in a loveless relationship? You, him and the kids will adjust to the separation. As long as he shares custody and still shows a strong presence in their lives there shouldn't be a problem. Some couples do a shared time thing where the kids spend a half a week at one parent's and at the other's for the rest of the week. This way there is no need for child support and the time with the kids is shared equally. There will be no need for the courts to be involved over money. You will just need a signed agreement.

[eightball61]

If your both at the end then it's either call it quits or try one last thing called couples counseling.

[jenrobsdad]

Gosh your story has a familiar ring! Does he have Borderline Personality Disorder? My gf and I had a discussion over the weekend on a camping trip what do we really have in common. If I did a real search I would say probably not much. She however feels we have tons. Here is what I would do.... Was there a place that you two enjoyed when you first met? Ask him to take you there. Get a sitter and take some time for you and him. If he says no, then sit down with him and ask what would he like to do to get away for a while with just you two. If you two still love each other than make sure you get away. Sometimes kids will occupy a relationship and it will become stagnant. Make time for each of you, try something new together. Most importantly keep your lines of communication open. Once that ends the relationship will end and it's tough getting that back!