To break up or not?

[DieBig]

Yet another relationship problem post. To break up or not to break up. This isn’t really the type of thing I can talk to my friends in regards to but I feel desperate for advice as this relationship is extremely important to me so here goes nothing.

We have been together for a little over a year, the first was our anniversary. Very much in love, very rarely argue, living together for 6 months, starting serious talks about marriage, my family loves her and her family is pretty fond of me. She is 25 I am 22. When she is sober we have the perfect relationship. She is extremely beautiful, intelligent, and really does consciously go out of her way in every way she possibly can to make me happy.


The only problem is she completely changes when she is drunk. First off she only goes downtown about 2x per month and I will usually go with her. I don’t drink at all. Its always the same scenario, she will get drunk then while I am driving us back home I am the biggest asshole in the world, didn’t spend enough money on her or buy all of her friends their drinks, can’t f*ck her like her ex, am extremely selfish and so on and so on. Then comes the physical stuff. She will start kicking at my head or trying to bash my head with whatever she can find. I’ve had to get stitches three times now as a result of this a total of 23 stitches. She will usually pass out soon after and I will get her up to the condo. She will wake up, eat, then start throwing stuff and screaming. We have had the police called on us now twice.

The thing is though that’s making this such a hard decision for me is that she is ok with two issues that would be a huge problem for any other woman.


1) My line of work, I work in the private military sector. I work extremely hazardous and you could say aggressive short term contracts. I have come home injured a multitude of times and she has always been there for me and I have no doubt in my mind that she will continue to be there for me. She is ok with my line of work and is ok with any mental issues I have resulting from work.
2) I compete nationally in bodybuilding contests. I am 5’10 and 285 pounds lean. Obviously there is a large amount of drug abuse in this area. I don’t think I will find another girl ok with me injecting HGH 3x per day, insulin 3x per day, and 5-10 grams per week of AAS.

These two things are the biggest parts of my life by far, far more important to me than any relationship could ever be so giving something up for a future relationship is completely out of the question.

Do I deal with her getting extremely out of line while intoxicated as a trade off for these two aspects, which happen to be huge in my case, or do I continue looking for something that I very well might never come across again in my life?

[eightball61]

Not that shes a drunk but she does have issues that should keep her away drom drinks period. Next time you drive her out drive her to an AA meeting first. Abuse is never good in any form she needs help so its either you stand your ground or allow it...just how weak are you?

[mutt11]

First, I don't think you'll "never" find anyone who can live with what you do, but I admit, pickings are probably slim on that front. However, you seem like a decent guy so it's possible someone can see past the injections ;P

However, I'm not entirely convinced this is a dead-end relationship. It seems like you guys generally have a decent, respectable relationship and that this drinking is really more of an issue that needs to be dealt with, hopefully together. No one comes into a relationship perfect, and never will be, but there are extremes. I wouldn't tolerate her behavior, but I wouldn't necessarily pack up just yet.

Have you had a true heart-to-heart conversation with her about her drinking habits? Not in a way that's controlling or "parenting" but that you genuinely care that it has such a negative impact on her. Hopefully you guys have established a decent communication system by now and you are able to approach each other about things that are stressful. Of course, I wouldn't suggest doing it while she's in one of her morning after rampages.

I use to drink a lot, and while I don't get violent, it would make me sick. When fiance and I got together, he really wasn't into drinking but still would go out with me and be my DD. He never tried to make me stop or even asked me to, but would say things along the lines of how disheartening it was to see me sick. I guess it's the mannerism. He wasn't as much trying to guilt me out of it, but just "putting it out there". If that makes sense. In short, he communicated his opinion. In time, I started to respect it and, among other reasons, stopped drinking almost all together.

However, drinking is truly a social aspect. When you stop drinking, you often stop hanging out with the same friends. Of course you can still go out, but if you're not a drinker, it's hard to understand how hard it is to say no to just one. Mine was a very learned behavior, and I had to learn to readjust myself into the circle as a more or less non-drinker when I was once the person who DID buy the round of shots.

These are just aspects to keep in mind when you discuss it with her. Like injecting yourself is your "thing", this is hers. It's how she relates to her friends. She will need to understand first why it's not healthy for her, or the relationship, and then develop a new identity for herself that doesn't conflict with her current identity.

I'm not sure I'd put up with the violence directed at you. Words are brutal but can be ignored. The physical violence, well, she wouldn't tolerate that from you, would she? So I think I'd gently but firmly put my foot down on that one, and refuse to subject yourself to it any longer. Perhaps explain you don't feel you can tolerate the abuse anymore and therefore, when she is rampaging, you will be sleeping in the other bedroom with the door locked until it's subsided for the time. Hopefully in the right tone, that will help indicate to her that her behavior has crossed the line too many times.